To deduct the cost of replacement period pants from DD’s pocket money?

[Handsoffmypants]

Am I being a horrible mother?

My daughter is nearly 13, she has diagnosed ASD and being referred for ADHD, for full disclosure. However despite social communication difficulties, she is fairly ‘normal’ for her age in the sense that she can get a train into the city to go and meet her friends, go around the shops etc, in fact in that sense she’s more independent than my much older daughter.

She has an allowance of £50 per month which she buys all her clothes and make up from (except expensive things like trainers and coats etc).

Her room is a fucking pigsty and there’s always clothes all over the floor, including the clean piles of laundry which I put on her bed for her to put away. She never bothers, they get turfed onto the floor, then every once in a while she puts everything, clean or dirty, back into the laundry basket. Obviously I get pissed off with her about this. Last night was one of those times, laundry basket went from pretty much empty to overflowing with her clean/dirty clothes.

I’ve put on a wash of some of the stuff out of her room, and amongst it was 2 pairs of my period pants, which as anyone who buys them
knows, aren’t cheap.

Now this isn’t the first time she’s nicked my period pants, she has plenty of pairs of her own but because her room is such a jumble of clothes, it’s easier to take mine from my organised drawers than hunt through her clothes for hers. I have told her very clearly in the past that I am not in the slightest bit up for sharing period pants with her, it’s fucking rank and she needs to find her own ones and not take mine. Apart from anything else, I have a separate bin for period pants and put them on their own wash without fabric conditioner, as you’re supposed to, so as not to wreck them - but of course she just chucks hers (mine!) in the main basket and I don’t notice until I’m hanging washing out to dry.

There is a recurring theme btw of her not respecting mine or her sister’s possessions at all, taking what she fancies and then lying about it.

So tonight, after the discovery of two pairs of my period pants being used by her, after fuck knows how many times of telling her not to do that, I’ve reiterated again that she’s an absolute minger for thinking I want to share period pants with her, she can keep those pairs and I will replace mine out of her pocket money. AIBU?

@ChiefWiggumsBoy
My admittedly brief understanding is that we get a small bit of satisfaction from the process and completion of a task (which is dopamine making us feel that). In ADHD, the brain can't produce dopamine in the same way. So while I hate cooking dinner, say, I know that I will feel hungry later so I should cook and eat.

Our trainer showed us a great video of an adult woman who said "I am so unmotivated to cook by having to decide and follow a process that I will basically starve until I eat half a box of dry cereal because that is easy and requires no effort. But equally, once I got so obsessed with perfecting the art of making pasta shapes that all I ate was pasta for every single meal until one day the dopamine quit, and I haven't been able to eat or make pasta since then."

I hope that explains it better?

I suggest you don't read any other threads on AIBU because you sound completely overwrought about an interaction that has nothing to do with you and is probably replicated a million times over the world. Having sharp words with an almost teen, who is being gross, is not something to worry about.

You are being a horrible mother. If you want her to have a tidy room and organised clothes, just go in there and sort it out when she's at school. Then tell her not to get everything out at once. Don't pander to her not letting you, just bloody do it, then it's done.

She has problems with executive functioning, so just start off by sorting the shithole out and go from there. She may have a tantrum but then will like the fact she can actually find her stuff. Been there go the tshirt.

No she shouldn't have to replace your period pants, just wash them and stop being weird about things.

Going forward, instead of putting a neat pile of clothes on her bed for her to completely ignore/forget about, just put the damn things in the wardrobe. It's not giving in, it's actually making life easier for yourself.

Obvioulsy if she's a get everything out and chuck on the floor kind of person, then yes I get your frustration.

If you help her rather than scream at her, you'll get alot further with her and long term she'll respect you more.

Insight, I'm an audhd mum of adult daughters who - one's autistic and the other adhd. My mum was an absolute cunt. Don't be a cunt.

Thanks :)

That sounds interesting and I think I'll look it up for some more reading.

Off on a tangent, what the heck are period pants? I see them discussed here, but I've never seen them, though. Are they not just manky old pants that don't matter if they are stained ? Or is it a particular product, given the OP said about washing?
I'm menopausal, so I've been around a while 😅.

If she took your sanitary towels or tampons
Would you expect her to repay you? If so deduct the money. Personally I wouldn't.

It sounds like the period pants are a particular issue for you, and you can cope with everything else being messy, but that you really don't want to share the pants, so I would focus on that. Why not meet her halfway, and put her period pants somewhere separate in the house, so she knows they'll be there when she needs them? You don't need to put away and organise all her clothes, but given her ADHD, it's a reasonable adjustment that stops her from using your pants.

She needs to do her own washing, with your support.

Everything will immediately become easier.

You know what? This would probably be good advice without the insults.

Did someone call you a cunt before you found your own coping mechanisms? Or were you perfect from day 1 of parenthood?

YANBU and I wouldn’t be happy sharing pants either but on the other hand, if you were both using pads or tampons and she needed to grab something discreetly you probably wouldn’t begrudge her. I would treat this as a slightly separate issue to the messy room and see if period pants are definitely the right choice for her given her ASD and if they are finding a different system that works for her with regards to keeping clean ones in circulation. Can you subtly track her time of month and give gentle reminders? Do you use the same brand of is there something sensory that makes yours more preferable aside from being clean and easy to find?

Sanitary towels and tampons are not items that are washed and reused. And OP has said she has plenty of those to help herself to.

Just because you're comfortable sharing period pants, doesn't mean OP has to be.

@Foxesandsquirrels I’m inclined to agree.

My dd is 16 and diagnosed with ASD when she was 11. It was a huge curveball and I made too many accommodations over the years to the point that her behaviour needs some interventions now. Yes she has a disability and struggles with some things but it’s still our job as parents to prepare children for life without us. We need to enable them to manage things for themselves.

There is a tendency to blame autism on everything but they are still teen girls.

Have u looked at what adhd is? Its all about being able to have executive functioning to be able to organise plan and do tasks ie putting clothes away! U seem surprised thay she is struggling. I have adhd currently waiting for a diagnosis after my daughter was diagnosed with autism at 2, I can have every will in the world at wanting to do my housework it still doesn't always happen! She is not choosing to not do anything, it's literally the condition, I'm not saying it's excuse not to do the work I'm saying she needs the tools and strategies to be able to do and complete the tasks. I just feel from reading ur post u don't really have idea what adhd actually is and how it effects the person who has it.

its alien to me because in my world we don’t speak to our children this way especially not a disabled child. Maybe it’s normal in your world so you’re immune to it but for me it was disturbing reading OPs first post.
and btw I had an abusive father who would call me all sorts so I know first hand the damage it causes.

Period pants are pants that absorb blood, so you don't need to use sanitary towels or tampons. My tween much much prefers them to towels. I do to, but I think for someone navigating starting their periods and school, they're much more comfortable and discrete. She pretty much rejected the towels and exclusively used the pants, as soon as she started her period.

What a lovely response. Thank you for such a balanced and supportive post. My girl also used to knick my granny pants so I bought her some of her own. She says they make her feel safe. 😁

I have ADHD and have never taken other people’s personal items when they have expressly told me they are uncomfortable with it. I am naturally disorganised, but I have learned to clean/tidy/plan etc because not doing so is worse in the long run.

Consequences are fine IMO. ADHD is no excuse for shitty behaviour and the sooner she learns that the better her life will be.

No they're knickers that kind of have a built in sanitary towel. They're helpful paired with a mooncup in my case, they wouldn't last five minutes on their own!

I wish people would read the thread properly - washing the pants won't help.

The pants were not put in to the correct wash basket, therefore were washed in with everything else, and fabric conditioner was used.

This compromises the effectiveness of the pants. Re washing the pants won't change that. That is why they need replacing.

I don’t think yabu about deducting the cost of the period pants.

But I don’t think you’re being realistic about your dd’s struggles. Having an uneven profile of abilities goes with the territory so being able to get a train to meet her friends doesn’t predict a similar level of competence in other areas the way it would for a NT child.

Puberty, and menstruation, and in fact any time hormones fluctuate, play havoc with asd and adhd. Executive function in particular crashes.

I have a ds, who could not put his laundry away either. We’ve switched to stacked baskets (same shape as linked but plastic) with one section for each category of clothes and a week’s worth of clothes only. No issues since with dressing, finding clothes, putting them away, keeping them tidy. Do I understand why drawers and wardrobes were such a problem? No! But I do appreciate losing that stress and battle from our life.

With my dd (undiagnosed) we have a laundry basket and a wear again basket. That has made a massive difference to the state of her room.

telling her she’s ring a horrible mother isn’t horrible?

*she’s being

agreed

Well abuse and telling a kid they're being disgusting when they're being disgusting is not the same. And I don't think disabled people should get a pass for bad behaviour just because they're disabled. 'Disturbed'? I stand by my previous comment.