To deduct the cost of replacement period pants from DD’s pocket money?

[Handsoffmypants]

Am I being a horrible mother?

My daughter is nearly 13, she has diagnosed ASD and being referred for ADHD, for full disclosure. However despite social communication difficulties, she is fairly ‘normal’ for her age in the sense that she can get a train into the city to go and meet her friends, go around the shops etc, in fact in that sense she’s more independent than my much older daughter.

She has an allowance of £50 per month which she buys all her clothes and make up from (except expensive things like trainers and coats etc).

Her room is a fucking pigsty and there’s always clothes all over the floor, including the clean piles of laundry which I put on her bed for her to put away. She never bothers, they get turfed onto the floor, then every once in a while she puts everything, clean or dirty, back into the laundry basket. Obviously I get pissed off with her about this. Last night was one of those times, laundry basket went from pretty much empty to overflowing with her clean/dirty clothes.

I’ve put on a wash of some of the stuff out of her room, and amongst it was 2 pairs of my period pants, which as anyone who buys them
knows, aren’t cheap.

Now this isn’t the first time she’s nicked my period pants, she has plenty of pairs of her own but because her room is such a jumble of clothes, it’s easier to take mine from my organised drawers than hunt through her clothes for hers. I have told her very clearly in the past that I am not in the slightest bit up for sharing period pants with her, it’s fucking rank and she needs to find her own ones and not take mine. Apart from anything else, I have a separate bin for period pants and put them on their own wash without fabric conditioner, as you’re supposed to, so as not to wreck them - but of course she just chucks hers (mine!) in the main basket and I don’t notice until I’m hanging washing out to dry.

There is a recurring theme btw of her not respecting mine or her sister’s possessions at all, taking what she fancies and then lying about it.

So tonight, after the discovery of two pairs of my period pants being used by her, after fuck knows how many times of telling her not to do that, I’ve reiterated again that she’s an absolute minger for thinking I want to share period pants with her, she can keep those pairs and I will replace mine out of her pocket money. AIBU?

Does she have a "back up" for when she can't find her own p.pants? I mean, I have quite a few pairs, but I like to rinse before I wash them, and wash them on a seperate wash, so sometimes end up running out, so have a pack of sanitary towels for those occasions. I can see if she couldn't find hers (even if this is purely her own fault) she may panic and think taking yours is her only option. Maybe getting her a pack of sanitary towels, so she has a plan B in the event she can't find her own, will give her another option before taking yours? It isn't great that she's taking yours, and I wouldn't be at all happy either, but she does have additional needs, and is probably embarrassed, knows she'll get told off for not being able to find her own, and in the spur of the moment, taking yours is a quick fix to the conundrum, and then she potentially hides them in said pig sty, as again, is trying to escape/prolong the inevitable backlash for taking yours.

I think calling your kid a fucking minger is unreasonable, and mean

I saw something online the other day where you can make a little cat flap on your internal doors by having the corner fold back in a little triangle, or a little scoop taken out of the bottom, so they slither under 😀

but yes, she should pay for the replacement of your pants from her pocket money

WTF is the relevancy to the post I was ACTUALLY responding to?

But ok, I'll bite. Are autistic children just allowed to take things that don't belong to them because they are autistic, or does it behove us as parents to try and guide them to not do that even if it might be harder to do so? Sure, no one is saying that different tactics might need to be employed.

@ChiefWiggumsBoy clearly a lot of us here are ND.

No one is saying the girl should be left to crack on as is. Just that calling her rank, disgusting and lazy is unconstructive.

I have a NT 12 year old who often needs a kick up the bum to tidy her room. Occasionally it has got so bad she doesn’t know where to start so I sit in her room and physically direct her - I don’t do it for her, just show her where everything goes. And it’s non-negotiable, no phone, tv etc until it’s done.

What works for an NT child often doesn't work with an ND child (or adult come to that).

I agree with your plan to make her pay for new period pants. But this:

"I have offered many times to help her organise her clothes properly, but she just goes apeshit and won’t let me help her."

This is coming from my experience being your daughter: She does not want your help because she feels judged by you. I understand how frustrating all of this is for you, but it's evident from your tone that you are judging her character (and finding it lacking), because she isn't able to keep her space clean and organized. I don't mean this in a "judgy" way (because as an adult, I really do get how bad all of this is for you). But she is also getting that you judge her. I know that you really want to help her. The best way to that is to recognize this aspect of the situation and figure out how you can stop doing that.

@Bennyjoon for a NT child that is a good way of helping them do their room.
But for ND....I would have just laid down in the middle of it. That just wouldn't have worked.

@Confrontayshunme

ADHD people absolutely need a hit of dopamine to help them complete a task. That is precisely why laundry is so daunting. It is an every day horrible grind you have to do forever 24/7 with no reward whatsoever. They find doing a non rewarding task as painful as a neurotypical person finds nails on a chalkboard with bagpipes playing

Genuine question as I don't know a lot about ADHD - what's different here for someone without ADHD? I hate doing dishes, I hate doing most household tasks but I do them because it's nasty to live in filth. I don't feel rewarded or happy when it's done, I feel tired and annoyed because I know less than 24 hours later I'll have to do it again.

Do you really talk to your own daughter this way?
i.e did you actually say to her that's its 'fucking rank' and call her a 'minger' ? If so I think that's disgusting.

As for telling her to 'find her own' period pants and buy her own clothes from a £50 a month allowance, I think that's unreasonable for a 13 year old without special needs, nevermind one who has a diagnosed disability. She sounds like a normal 13 year old in terms of the messy room and approach to laundry. She's still a child.

As a child, she shouldn't have to buy essentials from her own pocket money and she shouldn't be punished monetarily for her lack of laundry skills/taking other people's clothes which tbh is just normal teenage behaviour imo. I think you should inflict other consequences that don't involve her having less money to buy the clothes that you refuse to buy for her.

She also shouldn't have to listen to her mother swearing at her and calling her names. I honestly cringed reading your OP if that's how you talk about/to your child. You talk about her like an equal/a younger sister rather than your daughter which is concerning. Technically she's classed as a dependent and that's without her diagnosis! Although I don't think any mother should call her daughter horrible names no matter what age they are.

I can only hope that you've made this up and all the posters agreeing with you know that you are joking, and are commenting ironically.

I cannot imagine ever, ever being mean enough to post something like this ablit my own daughter and discuss her with strangers on an Internet forum

I try not to get too involved with DD’s room (14) since it is her space and she is old enough to decide how it is arranged, even if I despise it. I do however expect that she can find her belongings, including knowing what is clean and dirty, and that the floor is generally accessible to be cleaned, me to walk through, etc. If a similar situation arose to yours, I would have zero hesitation in expecting her to pay for a replacement pair.

Also I’d move yours to a new location and if her sister has some make sure she doesn’t know where they are either. The money is a natural consequence but a change in her behavior pattern will take time. Set the situation up to encourage that change.

I can't make myself do it is the thing.

I've had a stressful time and my reserves and ability to do that stuff is just gone.

I think if a child truly has autism then allowances need to be made. It’s obvious her child is struggling with organisation (which is actually pretty normal for a 12 yr old anyway) so instead of speaking about her likes a piece of shit, maybe take a look at how she can teach her better to be independent and responsible.
right now I’m so glad I had a lovely kind mum who was understanding, warm and friendly towards me.

But ok, I'll bite. Are autistic children just allowed to take things that don't belong to them because they are autistic, or does it behove us as parents to try and guide them to not do that even if it might be harder to do so? Sure, no one is saying that different tactics might need to be employed

I have autism and I find the low expectations on this thread actually quite insulting.

Abilities will obviously vary but I trust OP to know her own daughter and her capabilities rather than that she's just some evil ogre bullying a disabled child.

And I was an absolute minger of a teen (and well into my twenties) but I woulnd't have dreamed of helping myself to my mum's stuff.

Don’t be so far fetched. A mum of a teenage girl has got frustrated at her DD stealing her pants when she has her own is neither shocking nor worrying.

we’ve all got different emotional thresholds but if you feel so sick, shocked & worried about a pòst on Mumsnet about a mum shouting at her teenager, it’s maybe time you had a break from here!

just because you would never said a bad word ever about your child on an anonymous forum, it doesn’t mean others can’t/don’t! Every 2nd thread on this site is grumbling about someone.

This is probably the most useful post on this thread. I really hope the OP takes note of it, and comes to understand that her daughter isn’t ‘rank’ or ‘fucking lazy’, she’s just got a different brain.

I really feel for this girl, there is definitely a strong undercurrent of shaming in the OP’s posts

Does every interaction we have with our children have to be constructive though?

I mean, in general, some of the worst behaviour I ever displayed to my parents I only changed when they really had a go at me and made it clear how upsetting and unreasonable I was being. Having a gentle conversation about respect and decency would just not have had the same effect, I was a hard-faced little cow at that age.

Sometimes I think it is beneficial for children to see that they have upset us, and why. Even if later on we have a more civilised conversation.

(I get this might not work from a ND perspective. Just musing in general)

If you’re not concerned with the way OP has spoken about her daughter then wow You’re beyond help.

My DS 15 is diagnosed ASD and ADHD, and is far more organised and tidy in his bedroom than my DD (who has dyslexia and probably ADHD but not official). DS is easily distracted and really hard to keep on task, but when he knows the 'rules' he's fine. He chose to have his own washbin in his room and he is pretty good at keeping things where they belong. DD is a complete slob and has piles of stuff everywhere.....

All children / people are different. Just because a child has a diagnosis, or a label, doesn't mean they have to fit a certain profile. Don't assume that an ADHD person can't have a tidy room!

OPs DD clearly needs to work with OP about what is acceptable and what can be done to make everyone happy. If that means reducing her allowance to pay for things then fair enough. It can't all be blamed on her diagnosis - OP knows better than anyone else what is reasonable to expect from her DD.

My mum was and still is lovely. But we had our arguments as most mums and daughters do.

I'm not sure what you actually object to other than OP swearing. Well, in the nicest possible way, get a grip.

OP wouldn't be "shaming her for needing period pants" but for stealing.

This. Saying that ASD is an excuse for poor behaviour and should be universally tolerated to others detriment is a massive disservice to many people with ASD.

I’d be concerned that going forward if DD is not told that this is unacceptable in no uncertain terms then they’re going to find themselves in deeper water later on. Taking other people’s things might be given a pass while in a family home (despite the annoyance/friction it might cause) but if it extends beyond that then it will be met with a very different response.

I’m definitely more robust than feeling shocked and sick and worried for a little girl.