Different political views

[NotGotAClue1]

Just that really. My partner and I have VERY different political views on most things and I don’t want to bring things up and feel tense when the news is on because I don’t want to argue. I love him, we have a toddler and he treats us both well, we’re very happy together but some of the things he says really really bother me and don’t sit well at all and I certainly don’t want our child having these views.

A few examples… he makes sweeping statements, he’s anti illegal immigration, thought Rwanda was a good idea, thinks the rnli shouldn’t be involved and he stopped donating to them because of it. He also makes a lot of assumptions. I recently showed him an article about someone who was stabbed to death and I obviously thought how sad but his first reaction was oh it’ll be gang related. He disagrees with children being told they can identity as whatever in schools at a young age etc.

I should mention he was in the police for a long time and served on very deprived London boroughs and has seen and experienced terrible things so I definitely feel what he has seen/ dealt with has skewed him somewhat. I just didn’t realise how far apart we were on things.

Please don’t flippantly say leave him. I love him and will not break our family up over politics, I just wonder if anyone is in relationships with different views and how you navigate it?

Only a very small number of people get that bitter, I don't come across people like that very often at all.

It used to be the case that people got increasingly conservative/right wing but that seems to be breaking down looking at polling.

Would you say the same for some others in this thread?

Point stands though whether you fit the description or not. Anyone who gives up a good relationship over politics is a fool.

It is a very right wing policy because it denies the human rights of those seeking asylum. It is extreme to deny human rights.

The fact the Tories have shifted so far to the right is just a symptom of their electoral desperation. The Tory party now is nothing like the Tory party under Major - look at the fact they have been seeking to ban protest etc.

I think anyone who gives up politics over a relationship is also a fool. You need a shared vision.

The Rwanda plan is a mainstream Tory policy. It’s a bit extreme to say it’s far right and racist and completely condemn someone for supporting it.
It is far right and racist.

The current crop of Tory leaders and front benchers are a long way from moderate conservatives and centre right.

The party has lurched to the right and is taking on UKIP and BNP type rhetoric, combined with a worrying contempt for average people. They're happy to fuel culture wars, erode working conditions, pit average people against average people, all whilst lining their own pockets.

Have you seen the book that some of them released, Britannia Unchained, where they outline absolutely disgusting views about British citizens, promoting a recklessly extreme model of free market capitalism, that it's wrong to talk about sharing the pie etc.

If people lurch to the right, they can't get annoyed when people comment on it.

Don't talk about politics, money, and religion with him. Well, £££ might be tricky if he's your DH

If anything, hearing his political views might help you solidify yours better.

You are two different individuals. You won't agree on absolutely everything. Normal.

DLTB (don't leave the bastard 😋)

He has explained his reasoning to me before. He’s not just thinking sod them if they’re foreign, let them drown because they deserve to die. Of course not. He thinks there needs to be a solution to stop people coming on boats and if they know they will be picked up by the rnli then he thinks there is less of a deterrent.

He is not an unintelligent man. He works within the security sector and knows people who work on the frontline at the hotels etc. where they are temporarily housed here so he hears a different side to what the media reports.

But for many, including me, it would not be possible for it to be a good relationship if I disagreed with them on something so fundamental.

I can live and let live, but I could not love a person who wants the RNLI to leave refugees to drown, I just couldn't.

I agree with this

Me too

Good luck with that.

Me too

He has explained his reasoning to me before. He’s not just thinking sod them if they’re foreign, let them drown because they deserve to die. Of course not. He thinks there needs to be a solution to stop people coming on boats and if they know they will be picked up by the rnli then he thinks there is less of a deterrent

In your situation my big question would be:

Most reasonable people, whether they're right or left of centre, would rather people didn't feel that dangerous channel crossings were the answer. Whilst the relevant international arrangements are put in place to reduce and prevent crossings, and whilst appropriate and safe routes to seek asylum are established, what do you think should happen to those people who make the journey?

That to me is a values question.
If he said they should be rescued then his view is a political view and I'd probably think "we disagree on policy and solutions, but our fundamental values are aligned".
If he said that they should be left to drown, then that would be an issue of fundamentally incompatible values for me.

For me I couldn't look at someone the same way if they told me they think it's acceptable to watch people die to teach them a lesson and act as a warning to others.

But where you end up with that is that he (apparently after thinking about it, rather than unthinkingly) thinks that people drowning - losing their lives - is an acceptable consequence of the fact we don't have many/almost any safe and legal routes by which to claim asylum.

He thinks we should know there are people who may or will die and in spite of the fact we have the means to attempt to save them we should let them drown.

As someone said above: hat's not politics, that's values - and it clashes with mine so fundamentally that I don't think I could cope with that.

I don't understand what you think I need luck with?

OP, so how many people does your “not unintelligent” husband think need to die to be a deterrent for others? Does he give you a number? When you say he is ex-Met and now works in security, is he a bouncer? Obviously, nothing wrong with that, just curious whether he has a chip on his shoulder from something.

I'm in a very happy relationship with someone.
We debate, we challenge, we disagree sometimes.

We also march and campaign together at protests and picket lines.

When I cried over Roe v Wade he got it, he got why. He supported a local campaign that was vital for the safety of women and girls.

We raised money for refugees in Calais together.

He supports my fights and I his.

It's important to me and to him. It's part of who we are and we couldn't have that with someone who was fundamentally different in their values and ethics.

It wouldn't work because why would I respect and trust someone as my life partner who thought some people didn't deserve to live or be saved or who shouldn't be able to live an authentic life.
Who thought that women should be forced into unwanted pregnancy and birth.

How do I know they have my back if something terrible happened?

Now it's not important for everyone but it is for lots of people.

I never actually said the OP should leave her partner. But I'm horrified that she didn't know that's who he was.

No he’s not a bouncer. He’s in a highly paid management position.

I am horrified by his comments and 6 months into the relationship, I’d have left. But 5 years in and a young family - that’s not so easy.

Also listen to what @Natty13 says. He’s not going to get better and you’ll get ever lonelier in your relationship.

My partner and I have very different political views. I seriously considered ending the relationship early on when this became apparent. In the end I decided to stay because what we had was too good to throw it away. We navigate this by avoiding to discuss politics. And if something comes up, eg in the news, then we both say our piece and move on. We’re happy but I totally understand your problem. It was a close call for me as well. Sounds like you have already decided not to leave him, so I think the only way is not to talk (too much) about politics.

From a humanitarian point of view it would be good to stop so many people dying on boats to get to the uk so perhaps he sees it like that?

Why on earth did you have a child with him? Politics can't possibly not have come up all the time you were together, if it's now such a big issue.

Personally no, I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone with wildly different politics to myself. In the words of Skin, everything is political. I can tolerate someone having differing views, but not views that I find morally repugnant.

Why do you think your views are superior to his?
Just make it a rule in your house not to discuss political issues.
Then just get on with your lives

I’m not sure why people are struggling to grasp that his views weren’t so apparent to me until more recently. He’s always been ‘tough on crime’ but on that I agree. It’s the immigration issue that is my main concern.

I think his views are based on ‘othering’ people. The way to change things is to help him see the humanity of, e.g., asylum seekers (they are not ‘illegal immigrants’ btw). Comparisons with Jewish refugees in the 1930s may help, or TV dramas like Years And Years. Plus, even, if you don’t want political arguments, make sure you’re armed with some facts so you can gently correct him when he comes out with anti-immigrant propaganda.

if after this he STILL doesn’t take their humanity into account, then that says something about who he is and you have to consider if you can live with someone who shows such a lack of compassion and what the impact on your DC might be.