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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Different political views

163 replies

NotGotAClue1 · 05/07/2023 19:30

Just that really. My partner and I have VERY different political views on most things and I don’t want to bring things up and feel tense when the news is on because I don’t want to argue. I love him, we have a toddler and he treats us both well, we’re very happy together but some of the things he says really really bother me and don’t sit well at all and I certainly don’t want our child having these views.

A few examples… he makes sweeping statements, he’s anti illegal immigration, thought Rwanda was a good idea, thinks the rnli shouldn’t be involved and he stopped donating to them because of it. He also makes a lot of assumptions. I recently showed him an article about someone who was stabbed to death and I obviously thought how sad but his first reaction was oh it’ll be gang related. He disagrees with children being told they can identity as whatever in schools at a young age etc.

I should mention he was in the police for a long time and served on very deprived London boroughs and has seen and experienced terrible things so I definitely feel what he has seen/ dealt with has skewed him somewhat. I just didn’t realise how far apart we were on things.

Please don’t flippantly say leave him. I love him and will not break our family up over politics, I just wonder if anyone is in relationships with different views and how you navigate it?

OP posts:
DiscoDeborah · 05/07/2023 20:46

Nickknackpattywhack · 05/07/2023 20:11

I don't think there is any way around this, unfortunately.

It's not about 'politics' but about the type of people you are. Quite honestly you don't have the same core values, and if you don't want your DC picking up his views then one of you needs to leave.

I'm sorry.

This!
I actually find it alarming that people get into relationships without really finding out who the other person is.

Someone's views on things like immigration, reproductive rights and the welfare state will tell you a huge amount about who that person is and what is important to them.

That's very early dating info for me. I realise it isn't for others but if you have your own defined political views and values then it should be.

Original poster
NotGotAClue1 · 05/07/2023 20:47

ummWTH · 05/07/2023 20:35

"Please don’t flippantly say leave him."

I don't see why anyone would suggest that. It's ok (normal even) to have different opinions on things.
And I don't know why it needs to be "navigated" either? Surely you can both have a conversation, share different opinions, accept that they're different and then put the kettle on?

I genuinely don't get the big deal and why so many people make it a huge thing about other peoples thoughts not aligning with their own.

Thank you for this ^

I hate how if someone has any views other than left they seem to be instantly branded a far right, racist, hateful person. I don’t like or agree with his views but we sometimes have conversations and listen to each others points.

OP posts:
Nickknackpattywhack · 05/07/2023 20:47

ummWTH · 05/07/2023 20:41

Are you crazy? These are things that don't impact on their daily lives. If he's a loving father and husband then why would it cross your mind to suggest splitting a happy family over literally nothing...thoughts in his head..wtf??
I mean, come on 🤦🏽‍♀️

Show quote history

These are things that don't impact on their daily lives.

Maybe not now, but suppose the DC wanted to self identify as someone/something else. How could they navigate that one?

HamBone · 05/07/2023 20:48

It sounds as if he was highly influenced by what he experienced during his police career-for example, he probably did witness a lot of gang violence. He may have also come into contact with trafficked immigrants and been appalled by their experiences.

The most important thing as parents is that you teach your child to discuss different views rationally, as @DutchCowGirl says. If you’re really concerned about your DP’s views, ask him what his reasoning is and give your reasons why you disagree. If you’re not able to debate without getting personal or he starts spouting hate, you do have a problem.

Fightyouforthatpie · 05/07/2023 20:52

DP were (and are) on opposite sides of the Brexit debate. Since we love each other and explained our reasoning like grown ups we've not fallen out over it. I have a similar situation with my best friend.
If you can respect other people's right to an opinion even if it is not the same as yours, you can make things work out but it has to be both ways and honest. If you are convinced that "people who thing X are bigoted scum" it obviously won't.

ummWTH · 05/07/2023 20:55

"I love him, we have a toddler and he treats us both well, we’re very happy together"

"I love him and will not break our family up over politics"

OP I think these are the things you need to concentrate on. The other stuff isn't important on a real level..as in day to day life. They are just his thoughts. Unless he's a politician they are of no consequence, he's not making laws or anything.

I remember in my late teens when brexit was going on having blazing rows with my dad about it, I was very much remain and I knew he was going to vote leave. When he died a few years ago I thought back to those stupid arguments, all that wasted time and realised how pointless it was. I knew he wasn't ignorant or racist, I knew that our arguments weren't going to change anything and I knew he was entitled to his own vote..so what was the point of it all? At the end of the day we all need to accept that you are only entitled to your own opinions, we don't get to dictate to others.

DiscoDeborah · 05/07/2023 20:55

@ummWTH for me, these things do impact daily life. They're important and I want to be aligned ethically with the person I'm sharing my life with.

We might not always vote for the same party or share the same views on tactics and how to achieve a goal but we are aligned on the goals.

For me, that's fundamental. You don't agree but don't call people crazy.

ummWTH · 05/07/2023 20:59

"I hate how if someone has any views other than left they seem to be instantly branded a far right, racist, hateful person. I don’t like or agree with his views but we sometimes have conversations and listen to each others points."

This is a really healthy and natural attitude to have, it's great to have conversations and listen to eachothers different points! You both sound like you respect each others right to your own opinions DaffodilSmile

ummWTH · 05/07/2023 21:02

DiscoDeborah · 05/07/2023 20:55

@ummWTH for me, these things do impact daily life. They're important and I want to be aligned ethically with the person I'm sharing my life with.

We might not always vote for the same party or share the same views on tactics and how to achieve a goal but we are aligned on the goals.

For me, that's fundamental. You don't agree but don't call people crazy.

But it is crazy to suggest breaking up a happy family over thoughts in his head sorry, but it's fine to have different opinions. I don't have a problem with you only having relationships with people you align with politically (why would I) but it's not on to try to influence others in that way.

Capitalismwantsyou · 05/07/2023 21:02

I feel sad there are so many posters that cannot tolerate anyone without views that agree with theirs. Not even friends. I think we all need friends with polar opposite views. You might find that they're human and worth caring about after all, even if you completely disagree with them.

the80sweregreat · 05/07/2023 21:05

I feel your pain op
I've lived with a conservative voter for over 30 years, but even he is fed up with a lot of them now

ummWTH · 05/07/2023 21:08

"Maybe not now, but suppose the DC wanted to self identify as someone/something else. How could they navigate that one?"

Well OP said he's a loving dad so presumably he'll let them know they're loved but that he knows they can't "identify" as something they aren't 🤷🏽‍♀️ he loves them for who they are and he doesn't think they need to change a single thing about themselves. (In this purely hypothetical scenario).

I mean, what's to be navigated? The fact that he doesn't accept that people can ID as anything they want does not in any way mean that he isn't a good man or that he doesn't love his children.

ummWTH · 05/07/2023 21:10

Capitalismwantsyou · 05/07/2023 21:02

I feel sad there are so many posters that cannot tolerate anyone without views that agree with theirs. Not even friends. I think we all need friends with polar opposite views. You might find that they're human and worth caring about after all, even if you completely disagree with them.

I'm with you on this!
I'm hoping there are lots of reasonable people out there, but they just aren't as loud about their opinions as those with tunnel vision

10HailMarys · 05/07/2023 21:15

The views you’re describing aren’t just “political views”. They are his core values. He is a racist who would rather see human beings drown than have RNLI save them. That isn’t a political issue; it’s a moral one. You are married to a racist, inhumane bigot. If my partner expressed views like that I would feel sick.

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 21:17

If it would have been a red flag when dating why isn’t it now?

You’re married to a bigot, your child will grow up listening to these gross and nasty views

Let that sink in

NeelyOHara1 · 05/07/2023 21:18

Online nuance doesn't generate the clicks.

AnElegantChaos · 05/07/2023 21:18

ummWTH · 05/07/2023 20:59

"I hate how if someone has any views other than left they seem to be instantly branded a far right, racist, hateful person. I don’t like or agree with his views but we sometimes have conversations and listen to each others points."

This is a really healthy and natural attitude to have, it's great to have conversations and listen to eachothers different points! You both sound like you respect each others right to your own opinions DaffodilSmile

Sending refugees off to Rwanda is a "far right" policy. That's not a difference of opinion, it's a fact. And IMO it's a racist and hateful attitude. Even more so if you've stopped donating to an actual life-saving charity because of it. Because that's someone's general approach to humanity, it's his core belief, so there's fuck all "healthy" about it. Maybe it doesn't impact your day-to-day life just now, but it will seep into your life and you'll start feeling it acutely if that's not your general attitude, which it clearly isn't, and it obviously bothers you already.

It's all very well having friends with polar opposite views, but if that's your partner, why would you want your kids being brought up with that approach to fellow human beings? I'm not suggesting for one moment you split up with him, but to be in a relationship with someone holding such 'passionate' views, it's quite odd you haven't noticed them before.

10HailMarys · 05/07/2023 21:18

Capitalismwantsyou · 05/07/2023 21:02

I feel sad there are so many posters that cannot tolerate anyone without views that agree with theirs. Not even friends. I think we all need friends with polar opposite views. You might find that they're human and worth caring about after all, even if you completely disagree with them.

I can tolerate someone who votes a different way to me. I can’t tolerate someone who believes people should be left to drown because they aren’t British. That is beyond politics.

If I sat by and said “Oh, haha, let’s agree to differ” when someone was spouting hatred, I would consider myself morally bankrupt.

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 21:19

Capitalismwantsyou · 05/07/2023 21:02

I feel sad there are so many posters that cannot tolerate anyone without views that agree with theirs. Not even friends. I think we all need friends with polar opposite views. You might find that they're human and worth caring about after all, even if you completely disagree with them.

I think the issue comes down to respect

Quite frankly I couldn’t respect someone with views like the OPs husband has, as clearly they’re not all that bright

There is a reason the majority of well educated people are more left leaning

Also this isn’t just a case of different opinions, this man is a fucking racist.

AnElegantChaos · 05/07/2023 21:21

I can tolerate someone who votes a different way to me. I can’t tolerate someone who believes people should be left to drown because they aren’t British. That is beyond politics.

100% @10HailMarys

Original poster
NotGotAClue1 · 05/07/2023 21:23

AnElegantChaos · 05/07/2023 21:21

I can tolerate someone who votes a different way to me. I can’t tolerate someone who believes people should be left to drown because they aren’t British. That is beyond politics.

100% @10HailMarys

Is that a reason to leave someone and destroy our family? I feel very conflicted.

OP posts:
AnElegantChaos · 05/07/2023 21:27

@NotGotAClue1 I specifically said " I'm not suggesting for one moment you split up with him". So no, I don't think you should split up your family, because you love him as you say and he's a good dad. But for me, I would find it hard not to be repulsed if my DH started coming out with shit like that, because racist policy is a red line for me. So I just don't see how I could stay with someone like that, personally, so I think you'll find it tough, because it's not just a political view he's spouting.

Nickknackpattywhack · 05/07/2023 21:28

I dated a few guys with different political and religious backgrounds to myself, in fact I got engaged to one of them, but it didn't work out.

I believe you need a meeting of minds, "agreeing to differ" doesn't cut it.

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 21:29

NotGotAClue1 · 05/07/2023 21:23

Is that a reason to leave someone and destroy our family? I feel very conflicted.

Show quote history

Your married to a racist bigoted dick

Why do you not want to leave? What kind of low bar do you have to not be repulsed by him?
Why do you allow your child to be around someone with such hateful views?

Swrigh1234 · 05/07/2023 21:31

How does he feel being married to someone who is in favour of illegal immigration, children being able to identify as any gender and blind to gang violence?