Different political views

[NotGotAClue1]

Just that really. My partner and I have VERY different political views on most things and I don’t want to bring things up and feel tense when the news is on because I don’t want to argue. I love him, we have a toddler and he treats us both well, we’re very happy together but some of the things he says really really bother me and don’t sit well at all and I certainly don’t want our child having these views.

A few examples… he makes sweeping statements, he’s anti illegal immigration, thought Rwanda was a good idea, thinks the rnli shouldn’t be involved and he stopped donating to them because of it. He also makes a lot of assumptions. I recently showed him an article about someone who was stabbed to death and I obviously thought how sad but his first reaction was oh it’ll be gang related. He disagrees with children being told they can identity as whatever in schools at a young age etc.

I should mention he was in the police for a long time and served on very deprived London boroughs and has seen and experienced terrible things so I definitely feel what he has seen/ dealt with has skewed him somewhat. I just didn’t realise how far apart we were on things.

Please don’t flippantly say leave him. I love him and will not break our family up over politics, I just wonder if anyone is in relationships with different views and how you navigate it?

He isn’t being branded far-right, racist and hateful because he isn’t left-wing. He’s being branded far-right, racist and hateful because he is a vocal and enthusiastic supporter of far-right, racist and hateful views. I’ve got friends and colleagues who are Tory voters - one of whom actually works for a Tory MP. Clearly they aren’t left-wing. But I wouldn’t brand them far-right, racist and hateful.

It’s not being to the right of centre that gets someone branded as far-right, racist and hateful. It’s being far-right, racist and hateful. By all means fail to condemn such behaviour, but don’t kid yourself that he’s not far-right, racist and hateful because he is. You cannot possibly argue that someone who thinks it’s wrong for a life saving charity to save the lives of drowning people because they are foreign refugees rather than British people is anything other than far-right. It is an far-right, racist view to believe that people should be left to drown because they are from another country. That is simply a fact.

Ah so you know OP’s husband? What racist stuff did he say in front of you?

This proves my earlier point.

Me and DH used to walk in to vote together and one of us would very cheerily say “Have fun canceling my vote!’ And the standard response was “right back at ya”.

It’s only a big deal if you let it take over your life and if you’d let politics ruin an otherwise good and loving relationship you are a fool in my opinion.

There are lot of hysterics on MN. This is the standard response.

The OP has listed racist views

Thinking people should be left to die purely due to their nationality is a pretty clear line tbh

I mean @Failingjuggler is clearly a bit overexcited but are we honestly saying that the Rwanda project was not a racist policy?

I don't have a problem with people who have different views to me, so long as they're coming from a humane and intelligent perspective and we can have a good conversation and meet in the middle. My ex-husband, who was Tory when we met has managed to do a u-turn on a lot of issues.

But it depends on the person. Some people are more interested/ affected/ passionate about politics than others.

I could not be with a person who didn’t share my political views. It would be like standing on shifting sands. Who’s got your back or upholds or reinforces your values at times of political turmoil/war etc.

If you can respect other people's right to an opinion even if it is not the same as yours, you can make things work out but it has to be both ways and honest.
So many divisions in society occur when we only mix with people who are in our bubble and dismiss those with different views as ignorant or simply wrong. I think your DC will have a head start in diplomacy.

Do you not see the difference between a different view and being hateful or bigoted?

Not to mention stupid

the Rwanda plan was not only racist it was stupid since it would cost more per person than processing their claims here!

Left to die? Are you even on the right thread?

One thing that stood out to me @NotGotAClue1 is you said you 'showed him an article' - stop doing that and ask him to avoid politics too.

If you disagree on politics but don't want to split you either have to be able to discuss dispassionately or agree to not discuss.

Personally I would struggle to be in a relationship with someone who was very far from my own views, but many couples manage it.

It’s ok for people to have different views!!
It is also ok to agree to disagree about some things.
If he is a kind, loving , responsible husband and father, and you love him, focus on the things that you have in common!

The OP's DH said the RNLI should not rescue refugees in the sea - i.e. they think the RNLI should leave them to die by drowning.

No some people are so wrapped up in things that they turn into bitter people which then becomes a self perpetuating cycle of dismissing those who have a different opinion > being lonely > doubling down that anyone who doesn’t think like them is wrong > isolating themselves with their ideals > hating anyone who doesn’t think like them > getting more bitter > etc

I don’t think I’m bitter or lonely🤔

The issue to me here is values, not politics.

I have friends and family with a range of political views and that's not a problem either. I can disagree with them on fiscal issues or taxation, or international aid budgets, or what good policy looks like without thinking they're bad people. I can also say that on some topics some centre right people have views I could support even though that's not my tribe, because I don't believe in black and white left=good and right=bad.

I couldn't have a romantic relationship with someone who believes in racist policies, who thinks it's acceptable to try and prevent deaths at sea based on the heritage of the person. That is beyond politics to me and would tell me something about the sort of person they and their values.

You can agree to disagree with your DH on politics. It's not uncommon for couples to vote for different parties. At some point his values are going to become an issue though.

@NotGotAClue1 you have to decide where your red lines are.

Can you both agree that you don't talk politics at home and around your children? If he can be mature enough to accept that your views differ so much it's not healthy to discuss it then fine, you can probably make it work.

In my experience, he won't be able to keep his trap shut, even if you can but that's maybe not the case for you.

edit
I couldn't have a romantic relationship with someone who believes in racist policies, who thinks it's acceptable to try and prevent charities stopping deaths at sea based on the heritage of the person. That is beyond politics to me and would tell me something about the sort of person they and their values.

That was an unfortunate overwriting that massively changed the meaning.

Why don't you do both of you a favour and separate? You are clearly a superior being. Does he know you despise him?

The Rwanda plan is a mainstream Tory policy. It’s a bit extreme to say it’s far right and racist and completely condemn someone for supporting it. I do wonder whether the bigots are the people who can’t be friends with people with different opinions to them.

Op, only you know whether his opinions are based on solid reasoning, albeit different from yours. When you ask him why he doesn’t support the RNLI getting involved with the crossings, does he want people to just ‘drown’ or does he have more thoughtful reasoning?

Hun, you can be right wing without thinking people deserve to drown to the point you stop donating to a charity who rescues them.

Stay with him, don't rock the boat, be a quiet little woman who doesn't say anything while the big man gives his opinions (cos that's the only way to avoid arguments tbh). You'll be on here in 30 odd years wondering why your DC spouse doesn't want to be round you or their FIL much because they find him sharing these views disgusting. Men like that always get louder at sharing their political thoughts as the years go on.

This is the conversation that happens time and time again on these threads and people always throw out the lines about not being able to handle different points of view but it's not that. As you say, it's core values that define who we are and what we stand for.

I don't vet my friends based on who they vote for but I have ended friendships over outward racism or homophobia.