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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

11 year old very upset about sports day

155 replies

Zombieof3 · 04/07/2023 20:48

My 11 year old suffers badly with anxiety. Sports day to her is a day of hell. She spend an hour last year crying in the school toilets as she couldn’t deal with everyone watching.

Tomorrow is sports day, she has already spent the evening sobbing. She hates the idea of everyone watching her and competing, she said she doesn’t feel good enough and it’s too much pressure for her.

She is currently being diagnosed for autism and I know this is very hard for her.

I honestly don’t know what to do, I can’t keep her home and I don’t feel like she should be made to do something that is going to make her unwell.

This isn’t really AIBU post but I was hoping for advice asap as I don’t know what to do. Shall I speak with the school in the morning to explain the situation and ask them not to make her partake and perhaps she can help in other ways?

OP posts:
Oblomov23 · 04/07/2023 20:56

What have you already done / tried to help her with her chronic anxiety?
No one is looking at her. And even if she isn't very good it doesn't even matter. We can't all be good at everything. What techniques have you used to help her cope with her anxiety. What apps does she use?

AnnaMagnani · 04/07/2023 20:57

Is she actually sporty?

If she is not sporty, going to come last in everything, spend the wholeday either bored, humiliated or anxious then I would let her have a convenient episode of d&v.

wonderstuff · 04/07/2023 21:00

I would reach out to the school. At our secondary we have an ELSA team, they looked after a number of children during our sports day today, many just being there and cheering on their team was fantastic, a couple were only out for an hour because they were uncomfortable. I would have thought it was unusual for everyone to have to compete at secondary.

Weal · 04/07/2023 21:03

We all have things we get worried about and/or hate doing. Most of us not to the extent of the anxiety your daughter is experiencing, but we all do have things that cause us stress and anxiety.

If possible I think it’s best to focus on helping her manage the anxiety and try to over come it. Rather than going down the avoidance route as that can be a slippery slope to avoiding anything that provokes anxiety. Having said that only you know if this is something she can cope with or something that is going to be too much for her.

are there many things she gets very highly anxious about like this or does she generally cope well and sports day is a one off extra difficult situation?

MIBnightmare · 04/07/2023 21:10

Weal · 04/07/2023 21:03

We all have things we get worried about and/or hate doing. Most of us not to the extent of the anxiety your daughter is experiencing, but we all do have things that cause us stress and anxiety.

If possible I think it’s best to focus on helping her manage the anxiety and try to over come it. Rather than going down the avoidance route as that can be a slippery slope to avoiding anything that provokes anxiety. Having said that only you know if this is something she can cope with or something that is going to be too much for her.

are there many things she gets very highly anxious about like this or does she generally cope well and sports day is a one off extra difficult situation?

Absolutely agree. Helping her with anxiety will be a much better way forward than avoidance. All that does is make her world smaller.. as avoidance cuts out experience that she may even come to enjoy. (Not sports day obvs. but making avoidance acceptable. ) Children all need a degree of resilience and this is only learned through challenging yourself in difficult situations to one or other degree.

As a matter of interest OP do you also suffer with anxiety ? There is a reason for my question. Not just pure nosiness.

Thegoodbadandugly · 04/07/2023 21:11

Try and help your child with their anxiety if you work on the anxiety then it will help your child participate in future.

MrsSucculent · 04/07/2023 21:11

Why can’t you keep her home? I’d speak to school and explain, perhaps they can give her an alternative role like official photographer (my school did this with a child who was not able to participate)

badluckorbadvibes · 04/07/2023 21:12

Why can't you keep her home?

Why are school not making an alternative arrangement for her?

badluckorbadvibes · 04/07/2023 21:12

Thegoodbadandugly · 04/07/2023 21:11

Try and help your child with their anxiety if you work on the anxiety then it will help your child participate in future.

That's not how autism works.

NuffSaidSam · 04/07/2023 21:14

I'd keep her home.

Or send her with a note saying she can't participate due to being unwell.

CiderJolly · 04/07/2023 21:14

I would just let her have the day off and don’t make a big deal of it.

Adults don’t have to do sports day so why are kids made to?

FoodFann · 04/07/2023 21:14

I think in this circumstance she shouldn’t be forced to take part - it is cruel to make her ill. See if the school can make other provisions for her, and if not, call in sick.

Birdkin · 04/07/2023 21:15

MrsSucculent · 04/07/2023 21:11

Why can’t you keep her home? I’d speak to school and explain, perhaps they can give her an alternative role like official photographer (my school did this with a child who was not able to participate)

Yes one of the pupils I work with is going to be taking photos/helping me. He’s got ASC and has been worrying about it for months, facing anxieties is good but for some kids everything is anxiety inducing. So I’d rather he was focusing on facing his coming to school anxiety and avoiding sports day than trying to face both and not even making it in.

FoodFann · 04/07/2023 21:15

@CiderJolly totally agree

Moonlaserbearwolf · 04/07/2023 21:15

Does she get this anxious about other things? Wondering if sports day is particularly competitive at her school?
I think you need to tackle this with school rather than letting her miss it - that would be avoiding the issue and could make things worse in the long run.
What events is she doing? It’s true that people tend to watch the track events, but she would be much less ‘watched’ if she was doing field. My 9yr old did the long jump and nerf throw this year and was only watched by a few people. It was more nerve wracking when she did the 100m sprint as everyone was cheering them on. Can you have a last minute word with the school and see if anything can be done?

QuitChewingMyPlectrum · 04/07/2023 21:15

@badluckorbadvibes you beat me to it!
Speak to school, you may find they'll find her something else to do.

IBetGordonRamsayDoesntHaveTheseProblems · 04/07/2023 21:16

AnnaMagnani · 04/07/2023 20:57

Is she actually sporty?

If she is not sporty, going to come last in everything, spend the wholeday either bored, humiliated or anxious then I would let her have a convenient episode of d&v.

This. I was the least sporty kid in my school year. The humiliation, constant sense of failure regardless of if I tried or not, and general misery of school sports put me off sports for life.

I'm now in my 30s, rather unfit, have never seen the inside of a gym, and shudder at the sight of a netball.

For unsporty kids, school sports tend to set them up for a poor lifelong relationship with exercise.

TheaBrandt · 04/07/2023 21:16

Its supposed to be fun! Definitely bin it.

KnitMePurlMe · 04/07/2023 21:17

I used to be a KS2 teacher, never made kids participate who didn’t want to but someone needed to bring that to my attention - if parents didn’t tell me I wouldn’t know 🤷‍♀️

Mrsweasleysclock · 04/07/2023 21:18

I would ask the school to excuse her from participating in the sports day activities and instead suggest she help out in other ways, maybe helping to hand out water or set up etc.

I would spend the summer holidays trying to get to the root of her anxiety and figuring out ways to manage/overcome it so the same hopefully doesn't happen again next year.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 04/07/2023 21:18

Keep her off ffs.

All these people saying 'make her learn to cope', I doubt these people would do something that made them so upset if they didn't have to.

I hated sports day. It was utter humiliation. It didn't make me a stronger person to be forced to take part and I still remember being laughed at coming last.

It made me empathetic to my DD who also used to get upset and anxious. Luckily primary school allowed her to keep scores on the clipboard etc.

It's optional in her high school luckily, but students that don't participate still go and watch the races etc.

People who don't understand how hellish this can be for some kids, will just never ever get it.

Original poster
Zombieof3 · 04/07/2023 21:20

Oblomov23 · 04/07/2023 20:56

What have you already done / tried to help her with her chronic anxiety?
No one is looking at her. And even if she isn't very good it doesn't even matter. We can't all be good at everything. What techniques have you used to help her cope with her anxiety. What apps does she use?

We have done quite a bit of work with anxiety, including well-being sessions in and out of school. We took an online course together for mindfulness aimed at kids which has been quite good for her, but, unfortunately sports day is a massive trigger for her.

We often talk about the things she is anxious about and do some pros and cons, this doesn’t work for sports day as she honestly cannot think of one pro.

Unfortunately, kids don’t see it that way, especially those with massive social anxiety. Big groups of people, loud noises etc are all too much for her. She can’t deal with the sensory overload and then on top of it, her school are very competitive for sports, which is great for those sporty kids, but very difficult for a child that struggles with this

OP posts:
XelaM · 04/07/2023 21:20

Sports Day is just a bit of fun. No one is judging anyone. I couldn't tell you who came last in what race at my daughter's Sports Day a few days ago as I was only interested in how my own daughter did. Just like all other parents. 🤷‍♀️

BungleandGeorge · 04/07/2023 21:21

MIBnightmare · 04/07/2023 21:10

Absolutely agree. Helping her with anxiety will be a much better way forward than avoidance. All that does is make her world smaller.. as avoidance cuts out experience that she may even come to enjoy. (Not sports day obvs. but making avoidance acceptable. ) Children all need a degree of resilience and this is only learned through challenging yourself in difficult situations to one or other degree.

As a matter of interest OP do you also suffer with anxiety ? There is a reason for my question. Not just pure nosiness.

Show quote history

this Isn’t good advice for a child who is neurodivergent. It’s presuming that they are irrationally scared of something when actually they probably hate sports day because it is potentially very difficult for them eg high rate of co-occurring dyspraxia, hypermobility and socially quite difficult. It’s a bit like saying you should be electrocuted regularly to rid you of the fear of being electrocuted!

XelaM · 04/07/2023 21:22

Actually, only a few parents come for secondary school Sports Day as it's usually during working hours and it's just meant to be a bit of fun.