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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

11 year old very upset about sports day

155 replies

Zombieof3 · 04/07/2023 20:48

My 11 year old suffers badly with anxiety. Sports day to her is a day of hell. She spend an hour last year crying in the school toilets as she couldn’t deal with everyone watching.

Tomorrow is sports day, she has already spent the evening sobbing. She hates the idea of everyone watching her and competing, she said she doesn’t feel good enough and it’s too much pressure for her.

She is currently being diagnosed for autism and I know this is very hard for her.

I honestly don’t know what to do, I can’t keep her home and I don’t feel like she should be made to do something that is going to make her unwell.

This isn’t really AIBU post but I was hoping for advice asap as I don’t know what to do. Shall I speak with the school in the morning to explain the situation and ask them not to make her partake and perhaps she can help in other ways?

OP posts:
Terryer · 05/07/2023 11:44

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 11:31

Of course people judge! Especially at sports day

Show quote history

So what if they do? Who cares? Seriously? Who cares if some random competitive dad momentarily judges your kid?

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 11:46

Terryer · 05/07/2023 11:44

So what if they do? Who cares? Seriously? Who cares if some random competitive dad momentarily judges your kid?

Show quote history

Most children will care if their peers judge them, mock them, tease them

Im not talking about parents, who rarely attend secondary sports days

IBetGordonRamsayDoesntHaveTheseProblems · 05/07/2023 11:54

XelaM · 05/07/2023 09:43

I have never been to a Sports Day where anyone was laughing at kids being slow 🤷‍♀️ Normally people clap and cheer on those who come last (as well as those who come first). I think posters are being very dramatic about something that is just a bit of fun.

Why can't you accept that other people have had very different experiences to your own?

Sports. Day. Isn't. Fun. For. Everyone.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/07/2023 12:07

So what if they do? Who cares? Seriously? Who cares if some random competitive dad momentarily judges your kid?

Err OP's DAUGHTER cares.

The whole point of this thread.

And tbh it doesn't matter if no body judges her- it's entirely about HER perception of the situation.

I have never been to a Sports Day where anyone was laughing at kids being slow 🤷‍♀️ Normally people clap and cheer on those who come last (as well as those who come first). I think posters are being very dramatic about something that is just a bit of fun.
^
of course that is entirely YOUR perception not OP's daughter's .

Bit of a mental leap I know.
^

Magenta82 · 05/07/2023 12:07

There is absolutely no benefit in forcing her to go in. It's her last year of primary school and most secondary school sports days are optional. Give her a one of mental health day.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/07/2023 12:17

My kids adore Sport Days.

But no one makes them sing in the choir or take a part in the School Play.

Keep her off school.

5128gap · 05/07/2023 12:18

As a child who hated sports day, I can say with confidence the annual humiliation of crossing the finish line yards after my classmates to a round of polite applause from kindly parents (no doubt grateful in some cases my embarrassment spared their own child) has not made me a more resilient person.
The looks of disappointment on my team mates faces when they realised they were lumbered with me didn't increase my confidence or make me a better person. (perhaps tolerating me was designed as a lesson for them..?)
I at no point felt the important thing was to take part. It was an objectively unimportant waste of time that could have been better spent reading a good book. I at no point felt proud of myself for performing something pointless badly, just because I'd (been forced) to have a go.
Rather than achieve anything constructive, the whole experience left me alienated from physical activity, and it wasn't until well into adulthood that I could move past it and find a way to keep myself fit and healthy that I didn't assume I'd make a fool of myself attempting.

Original poster
Zombieof3 · 05/07/2023 12:42

Thank you everyone.

I have sent my daughter into school, but I spoke with the assistant head and her teacher and explained how this has impacted her. They are allowing my dd to sit out of sports day as I stated if they would not allow this, then I will be collecting her from school early.

My DD was very worried going into school today but to be fair to her, she got up and went. She is well aware that she can run from all of her fears but I do not see the benefit of forcing her to take part when it’s having such an impact on her health. Perhaps I’m soft but who knows?

im still learning about ASD, my son is diagnosed and is in a school that is designed for ASD kids, he is much easier to deal with as he rarely masks his ASD. It’s been harder for my daughter and myself as we both are undergoing assessments for ASD, mines a bit different to hers as hers is taking place within the school and the Senco, whereas mine is carried out in mental health clinic of the hospital. It’s really difficult as I don’t really know what should be done in situations like this, I hated sports day for the same reasons but I was forced to do it, I don’t want my daughter resenting sports and school like I did for many years.

OP posts:
Terryer · 05/07/2023 14:21

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 11:46

Most children will care if their peers judge them, mock them, tease them

Im not talking about parents, who rarely attend secondary sports days

Show quote history

I've been to both a state and private secondary sports day and neither were compulsory for every student. Presumably the OPs dd is at primary.

So much drama on here about a 25m sack race. Honestly I don't know how some of you make it through the day.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/07/2023 14:24

So much drama on here about a 25m sack race. Honestly I don't know how some of you make it through the day.

No not drama. You clearly can't make the mental leap to seeing another point view. Only yours.

But cheers for the snark.

firemanHam · 05/07/2023 14:28

It's so difficult isn't it, my DD is only 4 but exactly the same. Academically amazing but not sporty, & absolutely feels the pressure of everyone watching etc. I've had these thoughts myself as we don't teach her to shy away from things & I've told her before that in life you'll always have to do things you don't want to but I do find Sports Day sort of outdated. I did do it as a kid but didn't really like it. The kids who were sporty clearly loved it. Worst thing was my DD had to do a sports day last year at only 3, hated it & then kept saying how rubbish she was at it & it did affect her for a couple weeks in the way she would talk about herself. She's sensitive anyway & I'm always trying to big her up/make her more confident so that really didn't help. I do think it should be optional, I.e the ones who don't want to partake shouldn't be made to but should help out setting up equipment, doing the timings, making drinks, etc. I feel for you OP it's really tough to know what to do/suggest.

Icannoteven · 05/07/2023 14:59

Let her sit it out.

I forced my 9 year old to do sports day today. She has mobility issues and suffers constantly with joint pain. She has been worried about sports day all week as she can barely run. I stupidly thought that encouraging her to be brave and partipate and try her best was the best thing to do.

I realised I had made a mistake during the long jump when I overheard two dads making fun of her and laughing. Grown adult men making fun of a child with additional needs.

Next year I will be kind and let her sit it out.

If you aren’t good at sport, sports day is just an extra opportunity to be made fun of or be treated like a nuisance.

IBetGordonRamsayDoesntHaveTheseProblems · 05/07/2023 15:47

Sounds like a good solution OP, I hope your DD had a good day

XelaM · 05/07/2023 16:17

Wow that's horrible @Icannoteven ! People are real idiots nowadays.

My daughter told me this morning how the last few times she hacked out with her friend (young teenagers on ponies) some drivers were zooming past them with millimetres to spare, one grown man showed them the middle finger as he zoomed past and one shouted the C word at them out of his car window 🙄Wtf is wrong with people?!

Nanny0gg · 05/07/2023 16:19

Oblomov23 · 04/07/2023 20:56

What have you already done / tried to help her with her chronic anxiety?
No one is looking at her. And even if she isn't very good it doesn't even matter. We can't all be good at everything. What techniques have you used to help her cope with her anxiety. What apps does she use?

I used to think that way,

But how many children have to 'perform' in maths or geography or history in front of the whole school?

Some really aren't good at or comfortable with sports, and all this 'take part and you'll get a point for your team' malarky isn't good enough to force them

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/07/2023 16:29

Terryer · 05/07/2023 14:21

I've been to both a state and private secondary sports day and neither were compulsory for every student. Presumably the OPs dd is at primary.

So much drama on here about a 25m sack race. Honestly I don't know how some of you make it through the day.

Show quote history

Ohhh of course, its just a 25m sack race... how silly, I must have imagined the 100m, 200m 500m 1500m, long jump, high jump, relay race, wheelbarrow race, three legged race, egg and spoon race...

Or, possibly, your experience is not identical to everyone elses experience. Fancy that.

And yet despite NOT taking part in most sports days, and obviously being totally dramatic and lacking resilience, I didn't grow up to be a useless wet lettuce either!

Amazing stuff.

Terryer · 05/07/2023 16:30

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/07/2023 16:29

Ohhh of course, its just a 25m sack race... how silly, I must have imagined the 100m, 200m 500m 1500m, long jump, high jump, relay race, wheelbarrow race, three legged race, egg and spoon race...

Or, possibly, your experience is not identical to everyone elses experience. Fancy that.

And yet despite NOT taking part in most sports days, and obviously being totally dramatic and lacking resilience, I didn't grow up to be a useless wet lettuce either!

Amazing stuff.

Show quote history

Wow what an impressive primacy school you must have been to!

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/07/2023 16:50

Obviously some of that was secondary school... we also did archery at primary school, and cross country running and swimming, but not for sports day.

Still strange how your primary school only did a sack race. How weird, how on earth are you a functioning adult with only the sack race to teach you resilience and fortitude etc etc.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/07/2023 16:57

Still strange how your primary school only did a sack race. How weird, how on earth are you a functioning adult with only the sack race to teach you resilience and fortitude etc etc.

Must account for serious lack of awareness.

Terryer · 05/07/2023 17:04

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/07/2023 16:50

Obviously some of that was secondary school... we also did archery at primary school, and cross country running and swimming, but not for sports day.

Still strange how your primary school only did a sack race. How weird, how on earth are you a functioning adult with only the sack race to teach you resilience and fortitude etc etc.

I said sports day not compulsory at any secondary school I know and I'm pretty sure there can't be many out there that make non sporty kids do the high jump for the amusement of other kids, so yes, you are being unnecessarily dramatic.

Primary school sports day is so inconsequential as to be almost irrelevant, perhaps learn that not everyone is fascinated by your kid running 25m? Everyone is just watching their own kid.

IBetGordonRamsayDoesntHaveTheseProblems · 05/07/2023 17:15

Primary school sports day is so inconsequential as to be almost irrelevant, perhaps learn that not everyone is fascinated by your kid running 25m? Everyone is just watching their own kid.

It doesn't feel like that when you're 11.

11 year olds are also usually less worried about the parents watching them and more worried about their peers watching them. Their peers are fascinated by who can run fastest.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/07/2023 17:16

Primary school sports day is so inconsequential as to be almost irrelevant, perhaps learn that not everyone is fascinated by your kid running 25m? Everyone is just watching their own kid.

OMG. Beyond Tedious

You sound like a un un empathetic, grumpy adult not an ANXIOUS 11YR OLD so how the F do you know how consequential is it to them? @Terryer

My kids who love sport, found Sports Day VERY consequential.

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/07/2023 18:42

Yup, totally lacking in empathy and zero ability to imagine experiences beyond your own - doesn't matter if everyone elses eyes are on someone else. For the kid who finds sports day horrific in every way, it is awful and does lasting damage, which is why I am posting on threads about sports day when its been over 25 years since I was at school! (*And yes, it was compulsory for the 1st and 2nd year of secondary. Including long or high jump!)

Terryer · 05/07/2023 18:48

At least I'm not hung up on something that happened at school 30 years ago. Lasting damage fgs.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/07/2023 18:53

At least I'm not hung up on something that happened at school 30 years ago. Lasting damage fgs.

How very well done of you👏🏼

Honestly