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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

11 year old very upset about sports day

155 replies

Zombieof3 · 04/07/2023 20:48

My 11 year old suffers badly with anxiety. Sports day to her is a day of hell. She spend an hour last year crying in the school toilets as she couldn’t deal with everyone watching.

Tomorrow is sports day, she has already spent the evening sobbing. She hates the idea of everyone watching her and competing, she said she doesn’t feel good enough and it’s too much pressure for her.

She is currently being diagnosed for autism and I know this is very hard for her.

I honestly don’t know what to do, I can’t keep her home and I don’t feel like she should be made to do something that is going to make her unwell.

This isn’t really AIBU post but I was hoping for advice asap as I don’t know what to do. Shall I speak with the school in the morning to explain the situation and ask them not to make her partake and perhaps she can help in other ways?

OP posts:
Anonymouseposter · 04/07/2023 22:36

Sending her to school tomorrow is going to do her a lot more harm than good. She’ll be leaving that school very soon anyway. I would find a way to let her stay home.

XelaM · 04/07/2023 22:38

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 04/07/2023 22:24

"It gives sporty but non-academic children a chance to feel proud of themselves. Some kids find classroom education really challenging every day, sports day is just one day. So there’s one reason it’s not just blanket pointless"

Yes, but the sporty but non academic kids, aren't made to stand up in front of the whole school and recite their times tables, or do say their spellings out loud in front of a crowd.

It's not the same at all.

Academic kids get to shine every day at school. Give one day to the sporty kids. My daughter is not academic and hates practically all subjects except PE, so Sports Day is her favourite day at school. Give kids like that a chance to do well in something at school.

TheaBrandt · 04/07/2023 22:40

No one is stopping sports day. Just don’t force those that detest it to make fools of themselves in front of a large crowd.

purplepandas · 04/07/2023 22:41

I would keep her off. The sensory overload on top of anxiety can be huge. My autistic DD got in steal state about hers, sounds so similar. I think many are not realising the overwhelm ( noise, whistles, shouting, cheering, change to routine, masses of people etc) on top of anxiety

XelaM · 04/07/2023 22:42

TheaBrandt · 04/07/2023 22:40

No one is stopping sports day. Just don’t force those that detest it to make fools of themselves in front of a large crowd.

I actually agree that it should be optional. I think at my daughter's secondary it's optional to sign up for races

TheaBrandt · 04/07/2023 22:44

It’s optional at dds secondary the others cheer on the sporty ones with good grace and do the odd fun non competitive event in groups with mates. Face paints involved (all girl school) . You know - actually fun like it’s supposed to be.

DoryWasMenopausal · 04/07/2023 22:46

Keep her off. Let her relax. I parent a child with additional needs and I wished I’d known sooner and not put her through the plays and nativities where she was visibly distressed, all in the name of ‘because they all have to’ and ‘resilience’!

NancyDrooo · 04/07/2023 22:47

I’m sure if you have a word with school tomorrow they will let her be a helper of some sort instead. Our school have done that before for certain children.

Thegoodbadandugly · 04/07/2023 22:47

badluckorbadvibes · 04/07/2023 21:12

That's not how autism works.

Show quote history

When a child is on the spectrum the worst thing you can do with them is avoidance, if you get to the point that your child will not do something because of the anxiety it is best to work on a gradual approach to the point where they can access what they need to.

BillyNoM8s · 04/07/2023 22:50

I would keep her home or speak to school and see what arrangements they have in place.

I don't think she'll benefit from being forced. I detested sports day. I didn't need encouragement, I just needed the option of not doing it - never happened though sadly so I had to plough on.

Windowcleaning · 04/07/2023 22:51

A gradual approach would be to attend school but as a helper of some sort, rather than a participant.

That locates the anxiety in taking part in sports rather than going to school.

Frame it as a reasonable adjustment for her autism-related anxiety/overload.

Terryer · 04/07/2023 22:51

Up to you what you do about it, but it's quite important that you stress how unimportant sports day is and its supposed to be fun and that absolutely noone will be looking at her. It's not about her. Probably won't help at all and you'll end up taking her out but your attitude seems quite angry about sports day. Try and remember that loads of kids love it. Model calm and equanimity rather than anxiety and anger with a situation that you don't like.

Terryer · 04/07/2023 22:56

TheaBrandt · 04/07/2023 22:40

No one is stopping sports day. Just don’t force those that detest it to make fools of themselves in front of a large crowd.

I also agree that it should be optional but I don't agree that kids make fools of themselves. Someone has to come last! It really shouldn't be such a big deal.

Wheelz46 · 04/07/2023 23:02

My youngest has severe social anxiety, coupled with selective mutism and his trigger is a school setting.

Anyone telling you that your child needs to just face up to it, clearly has no experience of social anxiety.

As it happens, my son is okay in participating in the sports events but struggles massively with stage performances. The teachers always encourage everyone to have a speaking part in the plays but understand that is just something he wouldn't be able to do at present. So they usually have him in charge of the music or the props.

I would perhaps suggest to school to see if your child could be in charge of making sure the equipment is all out or something similar.

We have had a child physchologist involved and have been strongly advised not to try and force them into something that they clearly are not ready to do as it can hinder any progress made or make their situation worse.

Terryer · 04/07/2023 23:04

Anyone telling you that your child needs to just face up to it, clearly has no experience of social anxiety

Treatment for anxiety always involves gentle exposure to the trigger.

FannyFifer · 04/07/2023 23:05

Just keep her off school, what is the point of having her crying & in a state. Have a nice day with her instead if you can.

Wheelz46 · 04/07/2023 23:10

@Terryer yes but a sports day with all eyes on the participants is not a gentle exposure. Baby steps for sure!

Terryer · 04/07/2023 23:23

Wheelz46 · 04/07/2023 23:10

@Terryer yes but a sports day with all eyes on the participants is not a gentle exposure. Baby steps for sure!

I agree and I.dont think the OP should.force her in.

Screamingabdabz · 04/07/2023 23:39

Part of managing is anxiety is surely being able to say no and being able to walk away from the thing that makes you fearful? No way would I be sending her in. Just let her stay at home. Sports day is unnecessary torture for some kids - I wish people would get their heads around that and accept it as fact.

IBetGordonRamsayDoesntHaveTheseProblems · 04/07/2023 23:47

Terryer · 04/07/2023 22:56

I also agree that it should be optional but I don't agree that kids make fools of themselves. Someone has to come last! It really shouldn't be such a big deal.

Show quote history

There's a huge difference between someone having to come last, and the same kid coming last every time they're put in a race, even when they really are trying.

The kids who aren't built for athletic achievement will already be acutely aware of it - always being caught during a game of 'It' and never being able to catch the others for instance.

But those kids don't need their athletic failures demonstrated in excruciating detail, simultaneously, to their friends, classmates, teachers, friends parents, own parents, possibly grandparents, and generally almost everyone they see on a regular basis.

Anyone comparing it to spelling tests can come back when copies of spelling tests, with scores, and all the errors highlighted, are published and distributed to the entire school community, along with a ranking of which children are best and worst at spelling.

ColdHandsHotHead · 04/07/2023 23:58

Terryer · 04/07/2023 23:04

Anyone telling you that your child needs to just face up to it, clearly has no experience of social anxiety

Treatment for anxiety always involves gentle exposure to the trigger.

There’s nothing gentle about the humiliation of sports day.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 04/07/2023 23:59

Just don't make he go in. She's being diagnosed for autism. Let her skip a day it won't kill her. The school year is nearly over anyway!

Avondale89 · 05/07/2023 00:07

I’d definitely keep her off. She’s in year 6 and it’s her last sports day in primary school, why does it matter if she misses it? She must be going through a lot dealing with her diagnosis and I can’t see what she’s going to gain from being forced to participate. Is there no one who can look after her if you’re not able to tomorrow? I hope she’s ok whatever happens.

BathroomOnTheRight · 05/07/2023 00:17

I don't understand why you can't just keep her home. I would. Give her a sick day.

Escapetofrance · 05/07/2023 00:20

Keep her off school. It’s not a big deal unless you make it one.