11 year old very upset about sports day

[Zombieof3]

My 11 year old suffers badly with anxiety. Sports day to her is a day of hell. She spend an hour last year crying in the school toilets as she couldn’t deal with everyone watching.

Tomorrow is sports day, she has already spent the evening sobbing. She hates the idea of everyone watching her and competing, she said she doesn’t feel good enough and it’s too much pressure for her.

She is currently being diagnosed for autism and I know this is very hard for her.

I honestly don’t know what to do, I can’t keep her home and I don’t feel like she should be made to do something that is going to make her unwell.

This isn’t really AIBU post but I was hoping for advice asap as I don’t know what to do. Shall I speak with the school in the morning to explain the situation and ask them not to make her partake and perhaps she can help in other ways?

School feel that every child physically able to do sports day, should partake, which is what the head told me last week.

Im going to speak with the school in the morning as it isn’t just sports but also the noise, too many people, too much pressure. It’s all a bit too much for her. I would rather encourage her to face her fears and attend school than making her sick by forcing her to do sports day, it’s a difficult one because I feel confronting our anxiety is a good way to combat it, but there is more too it than the anxiety of not doing well.

School in general is a major struggle for her but she gets up and goes, sometimes she needs extra encouragement but sports day is a lot worse. I’ve never seen her so distraught and it’s hard to then force her to take part.

it is a very competitive school which probably doesn’t help, I’ll be speaking with the school in the morning 😊

I would just keep her off school and tell the school why.

But she isn’t physically able to do it. Her health problems mean she can’t do it and the head needs to understand that.

if school aren’t willing to make reasonable adjustments then I would keep her home and tell school why.

You absolutely can keep a likely autistic child home and allow her to skip sports day.

bring Autistic and learning to deal with the accompanying anxiety is a lifelong process. You can’t expect a child who has never had any assistance to have the tools to just push through this.

The school is not going to help and let her sit out. I can tell you from experience advocating for my own child that they will not understand the complexities of dealing with autistic girls, especially ones who get diagnosed as pre-teens. You have to be the one to protect her and in this case that means missing one pointless day of school.

School feel that every child physically able to do sports day, should partake, which is what the head told me last week.

Oh god, how awful

I wouldn't force her. Similarly, I used to have horrendous anxiety about swimming lessons at school, I'd dread it for days and feel sick and shaky over it. I still remember that dread now over 20 years later!

Especially given her autism, speak to the school and see what else they can do for her.

That’s a very difficult concept for a child that struggles with anxiety to understand. There is also the extra pressure of her teammates to do well. Sure, as adults we understand but I can tell you now that most the kids there will feel like they’re being watched by more than just their parents, regardless, whether that is true or not

Sports day isn't fun for everyone.

I don't actually remember which races I was in - but I do remember coming last in all of them, and how that felt. Public humiliation, in front of absolutely everyone.

The parents might not notice or remember which kids come last, but the other kids certainly will and will make hurtful remarks about it, and the kid who always comes last will forever associate exercise with public humiliation.

Personally I'd prefer my child to have a positive or at least ambivalent relationship with exercise, rather than the very negative relationship that school sports created for me.

what a stupid school. I’d tell your daughter that school attendance is really important but given that you don’t give a hoot about sports day, she can have the day off

Hi, yes I do suffer with anxiety.

Is she primary? If it’s going to be the last sports day she’ll have to do, id just keep her off.

OP in the kindest way try and read some resources on autism and anxiety. Repost this on the ND board. Forcing a ND child to ‘confront their fears’ is not going to help, it usually encourages masking and mental health issues. Graded exposure is used for irrational fears. Having a brain structure that’s ultra sensitive and being forced into situations which are overwhelming and painful is not helpful. If you feel she could
manage a modified version then great otherwise just keep her off. I agree with pp that forced sports participation at school usually leads to complete avoidance in later life!

Very grateful to my parents for letting me be unwell every sports day.

She actually does have hyper mobility which is diagnosed, I don’t know much about it though.

Being forced to attend sports day drove me from all sport and exercise and now I'm unfit but cannot face the thought of doing anything remotely sporty as it brings back horrible memories of being jeered at by fellow pupils (I wasn't even that bad in hindsight!) So as much as facing your fears is good, in this instance long term health may suffer. I would just skip it and not make a big deal. Maybe the car won't start tomorrow.

I have planned sports days for years in secondary schools and what concerns me is that you're having to ask what to do for your DC. There should be clear support in place every day for pupils experiencing anxiety but especially when changes in routine are happening. Our sports day is the final week of term but we've already contacted parents and told pupils about plans so that our SEMH or ASD pupils have plenty of pre-warning. All staff know which rooms they can remove a pupil to who is struggling with the day so they can have some time out and our activities are optional so no one has to worry about running/throwing/jumping in front of large groups of people etc. The school your DC is at should have some sort of provision in place for pupils who don't cope with these sorts of off-timetable activities.

Call the school and speak to the SENDCo in the morning. Explain your DC needs reasonable adjustments to the day and what they can put in place for her.

Does your DD have any individual education plan (IEP) and is on the SEN register? If not, I'd be pushing for that as the IEP can be written to state adjustments need to be made in situations like sports days to help manage anxiety levels.

She is year 6, not secondary. Sorry I didn’t make that clearer

Forcing her to take part won’t cure her anxiety overnight 🙄Can’t believe some of the posts.
On the scale of important things in life, a school sports day isn’t up there so I would keep her at home. Supporting her with anxiety is obviously important but on this occasion I wouldn’t force it, especially with the ?autism.

Just keep her home.

I hated Sports Day as a child. I’ve joint hyper mobility and flat footed, slow runner and always came last. In primary school a particularly mean boy gave me the nickname “snail”. After a lot of tears my parents eventually let me stay home for them after that.

I’m now a well rounded adult, who goes to the gym and is healthy with a career in finance. Sports Days aren’t worth the stress, they’re meant to be fun. Don’t put her through it if she doesn’t have to.

Poor girl. I have dyspraxia and hated sports day. Our form tutor was a pe teacher and really competitive. One year one of the teachers took pity on me and let me help put the high jump pole back when it got knocked off and let me have 2 form points for participation, but generally it was awful. Sports days should be fun these days and not super competitive and putting children off sport for life.

I will never understand mandatory sports day. In my secondary school it was completely optional. Everyone who wanted to compete could, everyone who didn't want to didn't have to.

In the morning all the heats took place and the competing kids did them without an audience, even parents weren't allowed at the heats. Then lunch, then all the finals took place in the afternoon. Non-competing kids did lessons like normal in the morning, then all came out to spectate the finals in the afternoon. I have very fond memories both of competing, and of the absolute skive the day was if you chose not to compete.

Your poor daughter. I'd keep her off personally. Convenient D&V.

I was overweight in school, and as a result, the slowest runner in my year (I was as slow as a physically disabled pupil who needed aids to walk - so, it was pretty bad). I tried really hard, attended P.E lessons, and whilst my fitness increased I was always shit at the running.

We had to do the 1.5 mile run infront of the rest of the high school on sports day. As in, they do all sit at the edge of the track, and watch you, taking turns by year. I felt sick to my stomach all day, was worried the night before, knew it was going to be bad (but didn't know it would be as bad as it was). I wasn't very popular either.

What I was surprised to find, was that when I was on my last lap (completely alone with the other pupil mentioned) and clearly struggling, but trying my best, so many people cheered me on by name, and all cheered for me when I finished. They were incredibly kind and encouraging, and it made me think twice about the people I thought would be horrible to me.

One of my friends who was also overweight in school and struggled with fitness, didn't take part on the day - I think she got a sick note. I'm glad I took part, given a person with a very limiting disability also did it, and it would have been so much harder for her, even with her aid, there was no excuse for me to not take part.

That being said, never in my life have I ever needed to complete a run infront of people since (despite quite enjoying a little jog now!) so, if she's attending P.E lessons, doing exercise otherwise, I don't think it's the worse thing in the world to let her sit it out.

I might be missing it, but did you say why she can’t have the day of school?

I would be letting her stay home tbh. Can you work from home, or is the issue that you will be out at work?

Our sports day is super fun and inclusive (with some competitive races for children who want to participate). It can be done! Some schools are doing it really well.