To choose to have my baby in my bed instead of my husband?

[ibella]

I co-slept when my baby was newborn after getting so desperate for sleep that I just had to. I follow the safe sleep guidelines and breast feed exclusively. Husband went into the spare room for a few months. All fine.

Baby is coming up to 6 months and understandably my husband wants to come back but I'm just not ready. I'd love more kids but it's not on the cards. I know this is my last baby, and I love co-sleeping. I feel so bonded to him, I love when he wakes and cries as soon as he sets eyes on me it turns to a smile. He nuzzles into me and falls back asleep. Pops on and off a boob as needed. I just love it, it's such a short and special time and I have my entire life to share a bed with my husband, my baby will only be this little for such a short amount of time. I just want to be close to him while I can be.

My husband is understanding about it, and he's being patient from an intimacy perspective as exclusive breastfeeding absolutely kills my sex drive dead in the water so whatever bed he's in doesn't change that for now. He just wants to be in the same bed again really.

AIBU? Ps I don't want a pile on about the risks, only in western culture do we seem so intent of being separate from our babies.

OP has said they aren't being intimate. No sex, no sleeping together. She hasn't answered if she is making any effort in the marriage at all. It isn't all about sex, what about normal intimacy like kissing and cuddling and going out on a date? Snuggling up watching something on TV?

There are several saying they coslept for years with multiple DC - well clearly you were still having sex to have had more! Clearly you were making some time for the marriage! Maybe her DH wants to sleep together to try and get some of that back. Maybe if more time was made for the marriage (and by this I don't necessarily mean sex!) he wouldn't be pushing for the sleeping together because he'd feel more secure.

To people saying how all the 'good men' wouldn't be so insecure and be happy with the cosleeping and being entirely pushed out and left in the cold - great! But OPs DH clearly isn't one of them. Doesn't mean he isn't a good man in all other aspects. At the end of the day, her DH has made it clear he isn't happy with her cosleeping and her in another room. If she wants the lifetime of sleeping in the same bed she is going to need to compromise. They could bed share all 3 of them, it simply inconveniences her because she prefers to be able to swap sides. Or she can continue pushing him away knowing he isn't on board and deal with the consequences of that.

Perhaps some of you hardcore cosleepers think good riddance, but it's OPs life and her choice. It's pointless saying her marriage will be fine because yours was. All people and relationships are different. Yours been fine, especially when your DH was actually on board, doesn't mean hers will be.

First thing OP needs to do is have a discussion with her DH about what exactly his issue is with it and work from there.

Probably already suggested since we're 5 pages in but a superking size? I used to have to do the boob swap at night as well and had more than enough room.

I don't think yabu eventhough I understand your husbands upset.
Your nights sound like absolute bliss and I remember being so in love with mine at that age that I couldn't get enough of them.

OP, if you stop cosleeping, will you actually get any sleep? Because it’s all well and good your husband wanting his bed back but if your baby is still feeding in the night he’s not going to be responsible for all the night wakings. You’ll be shattered and there won’t be much intimacy then will there?

^ THIS.

If you only read one thing - read this.

That arrangement would not have been for us at all. Loved co sleeping all together and oh sharing the moments. So I’ll vote yabu as your dh doesn’t sound very involved with the evening and night time routine.

I’m sorry but anyone who’s shagging a colleague when he has an 18 month old baby isn’t really really trying, is he?

I've hit 9 months 😬. Those three months have gone FAST and I now feel he and I are ready. It isn't long so if you're not ready speak to your husband and don't feel selfish.

My baby is 6 month old too has a cot in my room but I also co sleep if he goes into hos cot for a few hours then brilliant but majority of time baby's with me popping on and off for a feed not walking the whole house up my husband is unfortunately on the sofa he gets a good night's sleep undisturbed. 😊 go for it! Iv got 4 children and done it with all of them. Doesn't effect us one bit! X

I still co-sleep with 4 year old DS. He goes to bed in his own room but comes into me every night

Sometimes DH and I are in together for a bit and sometimes not, it depends what time DS wakes up

To be perfectly honest, I prefer sleeping with DS...he's snuggly and adorable and doesn't snore like a tractor! I sleep much better with DS than I do DH

I know it pisses DH off a bit sometimes but it's more his bed he misses, not me and tbh he's not massively bothered either. Neither of us has a high sex drive and we're happy the way we are really so it's not necessarily going to end your marriage

He should bloody man up and accept that you're nourishing his child all night! Tell him to bugger off and continue as you are.

What a horrible thing to write!

'Nourishing' her child doesn't need to equate to her DH being ordered to the spare room regardless of his preference.

Co-sleeping - great. Do it with DH in the bed.

Alternatively have a discussion & agree.

What's not preserving intimacy or a relationship, is telling one's partner they can't share your bed because you decide.

OP I’m with you.
we now have two double beds.
all in all a good nights sleep for evergone
get on IKEA and get you and baby a double bed.
when baby is older you have the option of floating between the two
i was exactly the same. I have zero regrets,
we snuggle loads and she is 3 now.
eventuslly I will be with my bf all night, for now it’s half and half if she wakes aha
sleep is sleep

My husband won't co-sleep with baby in the bed he worries about squashing him

YANBU snuggle away!

Stick your husband on your other side? You'll have to revisit when baby is at rolling off bed territory anyway.

I have a co sleeping 4.5 yo (health issues, fortified allergy night milk) and 17 mo, one on either side. I think the breastfed baby will be ready for her own bed before my older boy though...

My dp is glad to be in our big bed, alone, away from the snoring and the night wakes. I'm happy snuggling the babies. Obviously we're still intimate. We do what we have to in order to survive (the oldest), it won't be forever. He's more then welcome to join us, but I think we'd probably have to bump multiple king sized mattresses together for comfort!

YANBU!! It's the best thing in the world, I'm currently lying next to my 8 month old DS. We got round it by getting rid of the bedframe and putting a single and a double together on the floor (safer for when he starts crawling too...) and now we all sleep together. Could that be an option for you?

That’s what we’ve done for the last year and can’t see it changing. Actually very normal for just mum and baby to sleep together in many parts of the world. I slept so much better (even if it’s fragmented) when my LO is next to me. I do make sure that if I have the energy to spend time with DP tjough - cuddling on sofa etc.

Tbh i slept with both of mine, with DH in bed too, and with the second it became an easy way to stop any intimacy with DH as I no longer wanted it

Can you fit a separate single bed in your room, adjacent to your main bed? Then he has the option of being with you both?

I'm still co sleeping with my 2 year old and I love it, he's also my last baby and so cute and snuggly when he wakes up with me in the morning. My husband is very understanding and we're planning to move the little one into his own bed in the next few months. I've loved every night of sleeping next to my babies. YANBU at all.

Co-sleep as a family. If you don't want to put baby in the middle, you can sleep in the middle and baby can be on the outside against a cot rail, or move your bed so it's against a wall. No need to have an argument over something with such an easy win-win solution.

The father doesn’t breastfeed the baby and the OP has already said it won’t work safely for the three of them to be in bed together. Your comment about a power trip is utterly absurd

I’m not projecting. I’m not commenting on the behaviour of OP’s husband, I’m commenting on all the people on this thread telling OP she’s being unreasonable for choosing to share a bed with her baby and not her husband.
there’s no need to get a king size bed. OP has already explained the reasons it wouldn’t be safe/ comfortable, and OPs partner hasn’t expressed a particular interest in cosleeping with the baby, nor is it necessary/ in the baby’s interest.
I have a king size bed and it would be uncomfortable with 3 of us in it.