To choose to have my baby in my bed instead of my husband?

[ibella]

I co-slept when my baby was newborn after getting so desperate for sleep that I just had to. I follow the safe sleep guidelines and breast feed exclusively. Husband went into the spare room for a few months. All fine.

Baby is coming up to 6 months and understandably my husband wants to come back but I'm just not ready. I'd love more kids but it's not on the cards. I know this is my last baby, and I love co-sleeping. I feel so bonded to him, I love when he wakes and cries as soon as he sets eyes on me it turns to a smile. He nuzzles into me and falls back asleep. Pops on and off a boob as needed. I just love it, it's such a short and special time and I have my entire life to share a bed with my husband, my baby will only be this little for such a short amount of time. I just want to be close to him while I can be.

My husband is understanding about it, and he's being patient from an intimacy perspective as exclusive breastfeeding absolutely kills my sex drive dead in the water so whatever bed he's in doesn't change that for now. He just wants to be in the same bed again really.

AIBU? Ps I don't want a pile on about the risks, only in western culture do we seem so intent of being separate from our babies.

100% YANBU

I still have my 7 and 5 year old in with me sometimes, DH in one of their beds!

Is your DH sleeping somewhere uncomfortable? DH was on the (admittedly) large sofa for a long while and in the end we put a queen bed in my first son's room for me and baby to co-sleep in, letting DH have a bed again.

My girl is 4 years old in a couple of weeks and I still sleep in her bed with her :) I love sleeping with her my fella is in our bedroom and he loves it haha plus her bed and bedroom is much nicer than ours x

Not unreasonable at all - you sound like a wonderful mother.

I wonder as baby gets a little bit older if you’d be comfortable having DH back in bed with you both. I found in the cuddle c position that it was safe having DH the other side of baby (when they switched sides) and we just had separate duvets for a while.

all the best

Nothing wrong with co sleeping but why does that mean your husband is forced to sleep elsewhere. Why can't he sleep with you too. Doesn't most cosleeping involve both parents

YANBU to want to cosleep
YABU to expect your husband to sleep in the spare room indefinitely

Compromise

We have a super king and hubby still stays in the spare room. Baby is 8 months fully co slept til 6 months then moved him into his own room in the cot but he is back in with me normally before midnight at the moment as teething and feeding for comfort it would appear. Hubby will just go to the other room. Our bed is huge but he just doesn’t feel comfortable with baby with us both. I figure it’s only for a short amount of time and soon it won’t happen. YANBU as it won’t be forever

YANBU

Your baby is precious. There’s a reason they smile when they see you in the morning. Keep going, it does wonders for secure attachment.

This time will pass so quickly.

I bed share too but husband is in with us (baby between me and the bed guard and away from husband). This is my second and we’ve done it since his first night of being born.

Countries that advocate co sleeping (like Japan) have the lowest SIDS rates in the world

Yes it's lovely. If you can get an extra long bed guard for the side baby is on. I did this

YANBU I loved co sleeping when they were little 😊 it's only for a short time til they're bigger enjoy it.

If you kick your DH out of his bed and won't let him back even though he has waited for 6 months I'd be worrying you are doing irreparable damage to your marriage. No man will wait forever.

Another vote for absolutely not unreasonable- if chose either of my kids to sleep with over my husband!!
I co slept with my eldest and my youngest and miss them both terribly at night. They are so lovely and cosy to sleep with and I love the occasional time we get to bed share still.
Husband takes up too much room, snores and fidgets 🙄 if we had another bedroom I'd defo have my own room!

I agree with this. I’m not saying whether should or should not continue as you are- neither is necessarily right or wrong- BUT I think you need to discuss it with your husband and come to an agreed position. I think it’s a shame that you don’t seem that bothered about what he thinks? Maybe you do, it’s just not that obvious from what you’ve written.

It’s easy to start to place distance between you and your partner without intending to, especially when you have a young baby. You are both in this marriage, you are both parents to this child, both of your opinions are important here- not just yours. If you start taking unilateral decisions without any discussion or consideration for his thoughts or feelings you risk causing him to feel pushed out or irrelevant.

I’ve seen a friend do this- got so wrapped up in “nurturing her baby/bonding with baby” that she seemed to forget she had a husband who had thoughts and feelings on their marriage/life together and child-rearing. It was one of the factors that caused them issues (not the only thing) and she herself admits that her pushing him out as she was so wrapped up in loving being a mum/having a lovely baby l (and couldn’t really see past that and making it “perfect” for her) was a big factor in him distancing himself and not being involved. He later said he felt whatever he thought/suggested/wanted would be deemed irrelevant and that if what he did was not her way, it was therefore wrong- so “what was the point?” in giving an opinion/getting involved. This then upset my friend as she felt he didn’t care/wasn’t interested and became a bit resentful. It was quite sad, it’s taken them a while to work it through and I’m not sure how it’ll go longer term.

I’m not suggesting you do whatever he wants or that he’s justified in not doing his share of childcare/life admin/household chores etc if he doesn’t “get his way” (before I’m jumped on). All I’m saying is that if you are a partnership, maybe consider his viewpoint as well as yours. If he is happy, there is no issue. If he isn’t, presumably you’d want to understand his point of view and explain yours to try and come to a mutually agreeable position?

I'm finding this "woman, nurture your relationship" stuff deeply depressing. Why is it down to the woman? Don't men need to nurture their relationships? And their children?

YANBU. You're right - only in Western culture do we put our babies to sleep in separate rooms as soon as possible in order to 'nurture' our partners' sex drives. And we're all so brainwashed that we defend it to the hilt.

It is up to both partners in the couple. But since it's the OP (the woman) who's here asking for advice then the comments will be addressed to her...

I can't believe the posters who seem to think that once a baby arrives the husband can be relegated to bottom of the heap

Nor me. I'm stunned that the vast majority of people on this thread think that it's perfectly reasonable to reject their DH both sexually and emotionally in favour of co-sleeping with (just) their child. Not just for a month or two, but in some cases on this thread, YEARS!

A child thrives best where its parents have a secure and loving connection. And a couple should be able to share a bed, with or without their child.

Can you not have a cot at the side of the bed with your baby in it?

@Creative34

baby is precious but so is her marriage!

The man in this case isn't being given the chance. It's been made clear that he belongs in the spare room.
Sharing a bed, with or without sex, is about intimacy. If a partner is thrown out of that bed for so long, there's an element of intimacy that is lost.

Jesus wept. Some of the advice on here! 😵‍💫 YANBU OP, your marriage will be absolutely fine. You can and should prioritise your baby, your husband will cope.

This!

Good God the bar for men is so low. The idea that he would justified in looking elsewhere is truly grotesque. Why on earth are we saying that men shouldn't put someone else's needs first for a limited period of time? Women do it, day in, day out.

His wife just grew him a whole human. She's now nurturing that whole human.

He's a grown up, he can fully rationalise a year without sex, sleeping in the spare room. Compared to his wife's effort it pales by comparison. Enjoy this time OP, it will go by so quickly. I'm sure your husband will cope.

She never suggested her marriage was in trouble, only you did

The comments on this thread 🙄🙄🙄🙄. Just shows how the feelings and wellbeing of women and children will always come second to the desires of a man, and women will be asked to make that sacrifice regardless of the circumstances in the name of “nurturing the marriage” 🤮🤮🤮🤮

we got a king size and sleep in it all together. I don't change sides though, just feed from one side both boobs.

This

@Creative34

it might not be in trouble now no.