Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To choose to have my baby in my bed instead of my husband?

147 replies

ibella · 04/07/2023 19:53

I co-slept when my baby was newborn after getting so desperate for sleep that I just had to. I follow the safe sleep guidelines and breast feed exclusively. Husband went into the spare room for a few months. All fine.

Baby is coming up to 6 months and understandably my husband wants to come back but I'm just not ready. I'd love more kids but it's not on the cards. I know this is my last baby, and I love co-sleeping. I feel so bonded to him, I love when he wakes and cries as soon as he sets eyes on me it turns to a smile. He nuzzles into me and falls back asleep. Pops on and off a boob as needed. I just love it, it's such a short and special time and I have my entire life to share a bed with my husband, my baby will only be this little for such a short amount of time. I just want to be close to him while I can be.

My husband is understanding about it, and he's being patient from an intimacy perspective as exclusive breastfeeding absolutely kills my sex drive dead in the water so whatever bed he's in doesn't change that for now. He just wants to be in the same bed again really.

AIBU? Ps I don't want a pile on about the risks, only in western culture do we seem so intent of being separate from our babies.

OP posts:
Chestnutlover · 04/07/2023 20:28

It’s such a short time enjoy your baby. This isn't the 50’s jeeze, the husband can wait. There’s always such a lot of bloody pressure on women ffs. You’re breastfeeding and rearing a baby. I sleep in bed with my son and have a bumper thing and I’m in the middle of dp and son. I don’t switch sides which is harder on my back but you get used to it.

Ibloodymissgluten · 04/07/2023 20:28

doingitalllagain · 04/07/2023 20:14

They can take a backseat for a year, if you're having kids with a decent enough man atleast.

Show quote history

Exactly.

Do you know how many times I’ve been told over the last two decades (three dc, big age gaps),that my marriage will suffer, or that my husband will cheat or leave me?

He’s not a petulant child or some sex starved neanderthal. We decided to co sleep. We both felt it was best for our children.

Careerdilemma · 04/07/2023 20:28

I'm with you OP.. I love my husband but I bloody love cosleeping and have no regrets about doing it. I couldn't sleep without baby beside me anyway.

SweetStrawberrie · 04/07/2023 20:30

honestly, whatever gets you all the most sleep I say.

Me and my DH have slept separately for a few years now and actually it's benefitted our relationship as we are all getting adequate rest.

Youngest is 19 months and still in with me, can't see that changing any time soon as he still wakes up.

LividHot · 04/07/2023 20:30

YANBU

except now mine is three

and I’m getting divorced

but nothing better than the snuggles.

menope · 04/07/2023 20:31

@headcheffer we did similar, around 8 months we set the cot up in the spare room, DS went to bed early evening. Woke at 10/11pm for a feed, I'd get him back down again, then I'd go to bed with my DH, and DS would wake about 3am which I would then feed him in the spare bed and we'd sleep together the rest of the night. DH would then be up early in the morning for work anyway so wouldn't wake us, so this worked really well until he was ready to sleep through.

RagingWoke · 04/07/2023 20:32

YANBU, carry on and enjoy the time with your baby! 6 months is still so little and your DH will be fine in his own bed. The alternative is an upset baby you have to get up and feed/settle over and over again every night, while your dh gets his selfish way and a get of jail free card because you bf and can't do feeds overnight.

I coslept with both dc until 2 years and 18 months respectively. DH had the spare room and was quietly happy he wasn't being woken at night. I knew dc2 was our last and took in every moment, his little snuffles, shimmying over when he wanted to bf, smelling the milky breath, the morning smiles... even the baby farts. He still comes through some nights for a cuddle at 3yo and I love it- DH not so much as he gets kicked while I get cuddles.

Curtains70 · 04/07/2023 20:35

This might be a silly question but co sleeping was never for me so I don't know how it works.

My baby goes to bed at 7pm, if you're co sleeping do you go to bed at 7 with them? When do you do the washing and watch a bit of telly or have a glass of wine? 🤣

Chestnutlover · 04/07/2023 20:36

Sorry op that people are saying these ridiculous comments. Her husband will leave her after she carried his baby for 9 months?! Not to mention continues to give her body to look after the baby…!
You have your whole life to be a wife.
If a man leaves a woman because she’s being a good mum, stuff him. Do what you need to do to be a happy mama, this is a short and very tough time.

MadamWhiteleigh · 04/07/2023 20:37

Ibloodymissgluten · 04/07/2023 20:28

Exactly.

Do you know how many times I’ve been told over the last two decades (three dc, big age gaps),that my marriage will suffer, or that my husband will cheat or leave me?

He’s not a petulant child or some sex starved neanderthal. We decided to co sleep. We both felt it was best for our children.

Show quote history

Yes but your DH was fully in agreement with it. So it’s different to the OP’s situation.

doingitalllagain · 04/07/2023 20:38

Curtains70 · 04/07/2023 20:35

This might be a silly question but co sleeping was never for me so I don't know how it works.

My baby goes to bed at 7pm, if you're co sleeping do you go to bed at 7 with them? When do you do the washing and watch a bit of telly or have a glass of wine? 🤣

I co-sleep. I take him up to bed at 6:30, feed and then he usually does a good chunk of uninterrupted sleep until about 1ish. I leave him and go downstairs, have dinner with my husband and a few hours of tele then go back up and get in next to him for the night. He feeds as he pleases and I doze through it all. Co-sleeping doesn't necessarily mean you can't leave their side.

GodspeedJune · 04/07/2023 20:39

From 4 months old it’s safe for baby to sleep between parents as long as neither have been smoking or drinking. At around then my baby started rolling so it was safer in that sense too. Could you get a bigger bed? We have a superking and it’s big enough for 2 adults and baby with room to spare.

VivaVivaa · 04/07/2023 20:39

I hated the all night boob parties and found co sleeping really uncomfortably. But at 6 months, if it’s maximising your sleep and you enjoy it then crack on.

maddiemookins16mum · 04/07/2023 20:40

MadamWhiteleigh · 04/07/2023 20:01

You must remember to nurture your marriage along with your bond to your child.

100% this.

Curtains70 · 04/07/2023 20:42

doingitalllagain · 04/07/2023 20:38

I co-sleep. I take him up to bed at 6:30, feed and then he usually does a good chunk of uninterrupted sleep until about 1ish. I leave him and go downstairs, have dinner with my husband and a few hours of tele then go back up and get in next to him for the night. He feeds as he pleases and I doze through it all. Co-sleeping doesn't necessarily mean you can't leave their side.

Show quote history

So do you leave him in your bed when you go downstairs? Does he not move around?

I'm not trying to be funny or anything, I'm genuinely curious how it works.

SimonsCow · 04/07/2023 20:42

YANBU- you’ve got to do what you need to to get everyone maximum sleep! I still co-sleep with DD at 2 years old BUT I do put her to sleep early in the evening and get into bed with her when DH and I go to bed. We also have sex (in the bed in the spare room that he sleeps in) regularly.

I think it’s fine if your DH is happy enough with it and he has a comfortable bed. Obviously don’t do anything you don’t want to but would you consider a bit of intimacy? Start off slow and you may surprise yourself how much you enjoy it. 6 months is a loooong time to go without sex in anyone’s book.

Theoldgreygoose · 04/07/2023 20:42

ModerationInEverything · 04/07/2023 20:05

I think this is good advice. Of course you want to enjoy your baby, but do take care not to neglect your marriage. It is so easy to do without noticing until it's too late.

Show quote history

I also think it is good advice. I can't believe the posters who seem to think that once a baby arrives the husband can be relegated to bottom of the heap - and then they wonder why men have affairs! I'm not condoning that btw, but I can see why it happens.

Ibloodymissgluten · 04/07/2023 20:43

Curtains70 · 04/07/2023 20:35

This might be a silly question but co sleeping was never for me so I don't know how it works.

My baby goes to bed at 7pm, if you're co sleeping do you go to bed at 7 with them? When do you do the washing and watch a bit of telly or have a glass of wine? 🤣

Mine have always gone to bed at about 9 ish. Later bedtimes as I’m a sahm so they don’t have to be up early for nursery etc.

Then I spend time in bed next to them reading on my phone or watching crap on youtube. If dh isn't talking the opportunity to work over time in his office when everyone is in bed, he will be on the other side of her on his phone too sending me the occasional annoying link 😂.

It’s my favourite part of the day in all honesty.

doingitalllagain · 04/07/2023 20:44

*So do you leave him in your bed when you go downstairs? Does he not move around?

I'm not trying to be funny or anything, I'm genuinely curious how it works.
*
Yes, I leave him in the middle of a king bed with a baby monitor pointing right at him. He's never rolled close enough to be anywhere near the edge but I'm watching him on the camera regardless.

ClementWeatherToday · 04/07/2023 20:46

All going in together doesn't really work as it's only safe if I'm in between him and baby.

I'm pretty sure that this rule only applies to babies younger than six months, then they can cosleep with anyone (or in between you). Join The Beyond Sleep Training Project on Facebook to check, they know all of the research on safe cosleeping.

Stompythedinosaur · 04/07/2023 20:46

I think that babies of that age are ok to sleep between parents in the co-sleeping guidelines (I suppose, unless they have changed in the last few years).

But a decent man will be able to cope with prioritising the baby for a few months. All the focus on "nurturing the relationship" smacks of "you must let your partner shag you at all costs lest he strays", which is misogynistic rubbish.

Moancup · 04/07/2023 20:46

YANBU. DS is approaching a year and is still in with me while DP is in the spare room. DP is very happy with the set up as he gets an unbroken night’s sleep. I mainly have DS in the cot next to the bed as he’s liable to wriggle himself out of bed. But I love being able to easily lift him in for a feed, and stay in for a cuddle if that’s what he needs.

I fully thought he’d be in a cot in his own room by six months, but no, DS skipped that page in the baby books.

NortieTortie · 04/07/2023 20:47

It's worth mentioning mattresses are different in the western world and we also record deaths differently. I'll leave it at that though cause it's none of my business and being sleep deprived has its dangers too.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. Husband wants his bed and closeness with his spouse back; you want quality sleep and to enjoy your baby.

Could you compromise and put baby down for a while to snuggle with your husband for half an hour or so each night before you both go to sleep? Or he can come in and cuddle with you both before going in the spare room?

midlifecd · 04/07/2023 20:47

I go slept until my youngest was 3! You do you!

VegMam · 04/07/2023 20:48

YANBU and your DH is putting his own desires above the needs of his baby.

Swipe left for the next trending thread