To choose to have my baby in my bed instead of my husband?

[ibella]

I co-slept when my baby was newborn after getting so desperate for sleep that I just had to. I follow the safe sleep guidelines and breast feed exclusively. Husband went into the spare room for a few months. All fine.

Baby is coming up to 6 months and understandably my husband wants to come back but I'm just not ready. I'd love more kids but it's not on the cards. I know this is my last baby, and I love co-sleeping. I feel so bonded to him, I love when he wakes and cries as soon as he sets eyes on me it turns to a smile. He nuzzles into me and falls back asleep. Pops on and off a boob as needed. I just love it, it's such a short and special time and I have my entire life to share a bed with my husband, my baby will only be this little for such a short amount of time. I just want to be close to him while I can be.

My husband is understanding about it, and he's being patient from an intimacy perspective as exclusive breastfeeding absolutely kills my sex drive dead in the water so whatever bed he's in doesn't change that for now. He just wants to be in the same bed again really.

AIBU? Ps I don't want a pile on about the risks, only in western culture do we seem so intent of being separate from our babies.

Something that some people don't seem to realise is that sex doesn't have to be at night in bed. I know that might be a little mind blowing....

Why isn't this a decision that you and DH are making together? It's his baby as well, and his bedroom, come to that.
I don't get why this is just Mum's choice to make.
( and we coslept with both the children till they were 3-4 .They had their own beds ,went to bed there and came into our bed when they first woke.Sometimes one of us would go sleep in the child's bed but mostly we all stayed together. Perfectly possible)

As a dad memories of nights spent with my 6 month old son sleeping on my chest as my wife slept beside me are some of my most precious.
She still fed him but he slept longer between feeds with me.
I didn't get a whole lot of sleep at times but hey, I had my son sleeping on my chest so what did I care?
Such precious times

I’m always saddened by the people who think husbands and their sexual needs ought to be prioritised over a child’s need. Usually but not always, men saying that shit.

There are plenty of ways to ensure an intimate and close relationship without lying next to someone in bed.

Having my OH sleep on a sofa bed downstairs has saved our relationship (he snores badly) and I just so happened to cosleep too although we did try all three in the same room for a while.

If your relationship won’t survive a couple
of years of focussing on being a parent then it wasn’t ever going to survive anyway.

I don't think it's a gender thing. Marriages going on the rocks after a baby is very common - you're both tired and ratty, you don't have much time or energy to be romantic and intimate (which doesn't just mean sex) together. You start to argue and disconnect from one another. It's important for both men and women to be mindful of that.

He’s probably at risk of feeling pretty pushed out. Now before I’m lynched for putting a man’s feelings before a baby’s ‘needs’, I’m not. But it’s a balancing act if you want things to work out.

I did this... DH was understanding for 6 months... a bit tetchy by a year.. shagging work colleague by 18months and divorced me for unreasonable behaviour by 2 years. It was absolutely deserved and I was an idiot. I was completely blinkered. Transferred all affection from him to the kids. I was so in love with them that I just couldn't be bothered to make any effort with him.

He tried, he really tried.
I have since remarried and intentionally did not have kids with new DH... we have remained happy. I am also v thankful that ex DH is a very special and close friend plus a fabulous dad - once I let him .

It was a kind of insane baby-love. V weird. Don't do it OP. Make time to be a couple.

Well according to some people on here the fathers should just put up and shut up. Have no relationship for at least a year, not get the lovely snuggly baby cuddles because they're just for Mum so he should be in the spare room where he belongs.

Boggles my mind, we made any decisions like that together.

Also a PP upthread said the husband was selfish for putting his needs before the child's needs, absolute nonsense! By the OPs own admission she enjoys the co sleeping and wants to enjoy the time alone with the baby for snuggly cuddles. So this has little to do with the child's needs and more to do with OPs needs (which is absolutely fine by the way) but I don't see the need to crucify the husband because he wants to share a bed with his wife!

I actually don't think the OP is being unreasonable but I don't think the husband is being particularly unreasonable either.

Do what you need to do. You and baby are getting sleep in the current situation so don't change it whilst the baby is so young.

Bite the bullet and buy a single mattress and some comfy bedding and he can sleep in the same room as you or in another room, beats the sofa. We did that, it also comes in handy when you put baby in a cot in their own room, you can sleep on that.

Oh I just read that he's in a bed. Och well then crack on

Hubby and I didnt always share if he was on a 5am work shift but we do have a king and single in main bedroom. He has rls so it got to point we both be grouchy no sleep. Then kids came along shared with me till 3 months and now in own beds. Dont let your relationship go cold tho you still have to work at it like jump into each others bed even for cuddles for a while each night. Luckily for me after every birth till about 4-5 months after I had no interest in sex at all. Never felt pressured or anything and we still enjoyed our cuddles every night

The comments on this thread 🙄🙄🙄🙄. Just shows how the feelings and wellbeing of women and children will always come second to the desires of a man, and women will be asked to make that sacrifice regardless of the circumstances in the name of “nurturing the marriage” 🤮🤮🤮🤮

You are projecting. OP said her husband was being patient, not pestering her. She didn't say he asked her to put baby in another room. Nor did she mention he wanted sex, just that he wanted to sleep with her again.

We co slept for 4yrs (2 children) and both were exclusively breastfed. But funnily enough dh also loved waking up in bed with that little screwed up face, or his beard being pulled and that lovely baby smell. Those things aren't exclusive to women. Fathers can enjoy their babies too.

A kingsize bed can accommodate all of them safely and let dh share the lovelyness.

I was the one who said nurture the marriage. It doesn’t mean she necessarily has to change the sleeping arrangements. It could mean listening to her DH, hearing his concerns and feelings, and him hers, and thinking together of ways to address them, that works for all.

It's not fair if DH doesn't have somewhere comfortable to sleep

I've only read the first page of this thread but to all the doomsayers, how do you think marriages survive in (the huge) parts of the world where cosleeping is the norm?? There's more to intimacy than sharing a bed.

The Dad does have somewhere comfortable to sleep, it's not about that or sex.
It's about the amazing bond made between parent and baby sleeping together and the Dad is being excluded from that to the detriment of both father and child in the future.

YANBU. Keep this precious time with your baby. A decent father and husband will understand the importance of this for both you and the baby

They also wonder why their partners don’t pull their weight looking after the children.. because from the very beginning they are pushed out!

You just answered your own question. If it’s a cultural norm, it’s different. I imagine both go into it expecting that’s how it will be which is very different here usually.

DH should also get an opinion and shouldn’t be stuck in the spare room full time after 6 months if he doesn’t want to be.

...also that.

Advice was different when I had my babies, so they started the night in their cot. But my DH was the one who got up when they woke for a feed, and brought them to our bed where they fed and then fell asleep next to me. In the morning we both got to wake and snuggle with our babies.

I can't imagine banishing him to another room and need for six months/a year/longer.

and some people don’t seem to realise that paying some attention to the marriage isn’t all about sex.

Why does the baby need to go without its father's comforting presence in bed during the night?

I can't help feeling that a lot of mothers on this thread are on a power trip.

Where on earth are you getting it that he doesn't?! OP says spare room, and later clarifies he has a bed because people had started to make up that he was on the sofa..

Yanbu re co sleeping. But also warn you not to neglect your marriage and just make assumptions your DH is OK with everything.

Feed your baby by popping them across your chest on their front so they can switch boobs without you switching which side you’re lying on.

DH is on my left, DS always on my right, feeds either boob without me having to turn over.

Breastfeeding’s never affected my sex drive so no advice on that. I guess just make sure you’re both talking about how you’re feeling. But cosleeping with your husband and baby is lovely, try it! It’s easier for to be creative on feeding positions than anything else.