Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To choose to have my baby in my bed instead of my husband?

147 replies

ibella · 04/07/2023 19:53

I co-slept when my baby was newborn after getting so desperate for sleep that I just had to. I follow the safe sleep guidelines and breast feed exclusively. Husband went into the spare room for a few months. All fine.

Baby is coming up to 6 months and understandably my husband wants to come back but I'm just not ready. I'd love more kids but it's not on the cards. I know this is my last baby, and I love co-sleeping. I feel so bonded to him, I love when he wakes and cries as soon as he sets eyes on me it turns to a smile. He nuzzles into me and falls back asleep. Pops on and off a boob as needed. I just love it, it's such a short and special time and I have my entire life to share a bed with my husband, my baby will only be this little for such a short amount of time. I just want to be close to him while I can be.

My husband is understanding about it, and he's being patient from an intimacy perspective as exclusive breastfeeding absolutely kills my sex drive dead in the water so whatever bed he's in doesn't change that for now. He just wants to be in the same bed again really.

AIBU? Ps I don't want a pile on about the risks, only in western culture do we seem so intent of being separate from our babies.

OP posts:
waterydrink · 04/07/2023 20:08

I safely co-slept with my partner and baby/toddler for a long time. He also got to experience everything you've described. Whe. Our intimacy returned we didn't need the bedroom for it.

I feel your relationship may suffer a little

sunshineandtea · 04/07/2023 20:09

We had a super king.
Sometimes there would be 2 adults, 2 kids, a cat and a dog at the same time!

CurlewKate · 04/07/2023 20:10

Is the bed big enough for it to be a family bed? That's why we did- and we all slept well and happily.

JMSA · 04/07/2023 20:10

I'm sorry, but no good can come of this from a relationship point of view. It's an absolute nonsense.

Superfoodie123 · 04/07/2023 20:12

No judgement I did it with my first and again now with my second. It's bliss. I'm lucky I have a secure husband though who's fully aware of his snoring

Flickersy · 04/07/2023 20:13

The relationship between a couple is the very foundation of the family. It's the keystone, the most important thing holding the family together and must be prioritised.

That's not to say you neglect your relationship with your kids of course, but if you don't look after the foundations of your family - the relationship with your partner - the family will fall apart.

There is definitely a compromise to be had here. Could you invest in a bed-side cot so you can continue to co-sleep while your husband can come back to his bed?

doingitalllagain · 04/07/2023 20:13

I think if you're in a healthy relationship then sex/intimacy can take a backseat for a year post partum without it being an issue/you not nurturing your relationship. I don't think he'd be well within his rights to leave because a women, temporarily, didn't want sex because of the hormones coarsing through her body due to her exclusively breastfeeding their infant (which is pretty hard graft!)

A year is nothing, in the grand scheme of things. You can have intimacy in other ways that aren't sexual. You can co-sleep with your baby and keep your husband.

Superfoodie123 · 04/07/2023 20:13

P.s our relationship didn't suffer the first time apart from the usual new baby stress we were solid and had sex regularly

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 04/07/2023 20:14

Marriages need nurturing just the same as dc...

DeedlessIndeed · 04/07/2023 20:14

I feel secure enough in my relationship to think a few months is fine.

But I'm also of the opinion that relationships require maintenance and work, and I'd be concerned that there would be a longer term effect of prolonged separation (obviously different if both parties want to sleep in separate rooms)

3 in a bed sounds the ideal solution!

Kindofcrunchy · 04/07/2023 20:14

He should bloody man up and accept that you're nourishing his child all night! Tell him to bugger off and continue as you are. Co-sleeping is obviously working well for you and babies are only little for such a short time. I'm enjoying it with my 5mo too, can't imagine her being away from me yet. Ignore the negative posters!

doingitalllagain · 04/07/2023 20:14

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 04/07/2023 20:14

Marriages need nurturing just the same as dc...

They can take a backseat for a year, if you're having kids with a decent enough man atleast.

Pigeonnoir · 04/07/2023 20:16

My DH has not been in our bed since I had my first ds . I still have my 3 year old in now . We plan to move him out in the summer and dh will come back . He has his own bed . We have all had much more sleep because of this . I also have space for the other children should they need to come in (wet bed , scared , poorly etc )
Don't feel guilty do what's right for you , I don't think people openly talk about it but I bet there's more people than you think in same boat .

Peony654 · 04/07/2023 20:16

MadamWhiteleigh · 04/07/2023 20:01

You must remember to nurture your marriage along with your bond to your child.

This. I’ve seen friends have their relationships ended by this situation. DH has the right to want intimacy that comes from sharing a bed, I think you need to work towards baby being in a cot

Happygot · 04/07/2023 20:16

My 5 year old DD still sleeps in my bed one night a week while my DH sleeps in the spare room…as it’s the night he drinks so he gets chucked out. Have to admit I love those nights, love the cuddles annd waking up to see her little face - and she doesn’t snore or go for a wee a million times a night, and takes up less room. So no YANBU. It’s such a cliche but they are only small once and soon they won’t want to sleep in your bed anymore. Not sure what this says about my marriage 😂

Mysteriousgirl2 · 04/07/2023 20:17

Flickersy · 04/07/2023 20:13

The relationship between a couple is the very foundation of the family. It's the keystone, the most important thing holding the family together and must be prioritised.

That's not to say you neglect your relationship with your kids of course, but if you don't look after the foundations of your family - the relationship with your partner - the family will fall apart.

There is definitely a compromise to be had here. Could you invest in a bed-side cot so you can continue to co-sleep while your husband can come back to his bed?

Strongly disagree. My mum would always choose my dad over us. None of her 3DC have much of a relationship with her nowadays. She got it so wrong.

I will always prioritise my own children. If a husband can’t appreciate the importance of cosleeping and breastfeeding to a new mother (if that is what she wants), just because he wants to get his leg over, he can jog on.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/07/2023 20:19

Just remember that your marriage is important too and you want it to still be there when your baby grows up.

menope · 04/07/2023 20:21

I can't relate to this as I CRAVED being back in bed with just my DH, it was a means to an end. Baby is still young so I wouldn't be worrying too much yet, but would make sure you are spending time together in other ways if possible, not so much now but by the time baby is one, however that looks to you, but just wouldn't put your relationship on the back burner too much (and it may be that you're not at all with cosleeping, but I remember feeling really detached from DH at that time and I struggled with that).

Goggin57 · 04/07/2023 20:21

JMSA · 04/07/2023 20:10

I'm sorry, but no good can come of this from a relationship point of view. It's an absolute nonsense.

I agree with this.

gogomoto · 04/07/2023 20:23

Why can't you all sleep in bed, I managed it with a 2 year old, a new baby and husband, standard sized double

menope · 04/07/2023 20:24

@Mysteriousgirl2 there's a balance, there is no reason children need to come first 100% of the time (not talking about this situation, babies are a bit different!) in my experience that just raises entitled kids less equipped for the real world! (I say that as someone raised by a mum like that, obviously my parents divorced eventually).

Lemoncurdslice · 04/07/2023 20:25

YANBU I coslept with all of mine for the first 1-2 years and as required after that. Sometimes my DH slept in the spare room, not always. Anyway, it’s only a season of life, it will end and your bed will be just for you as a couple again. I don’t regret it for an instant and our marriage is still thriving.

Arabels · 04/07/2023 20:25

Curtains70 · 04/07/2023 20:05

I understand where you're coming from. Be careful though you may not necessarily have the rest of your life to sleep with your husband if he feels pushed out. Is there some sort of compromise you can come up with?

Yeah my DH moved to the spare room and never came back. Our relationship was always weakest on the sex front but there was more emotional intimacy when we slept together (not a euphemism). We loved each other and splitting up was heartbreaking. Not sure I’d do the same again-although at the time I couldn’t imagine pushing DS away, I’m under no illusions that parental separation is a better outcome for him.

readbooksdrinktea · 04/07/2023 20:26

MadamWhiteleigh · 04/07/2023 20:01

You must remember to nurture your marriage along with your bond to your child.

This. It's no problem sleeping in separate rooms if you keep this in mind.

headcheffer · 04/07/2023 20:28

I feel you OP. Lately I've been in the spare room with my seven month old, as they've been going through a rough patch and it gets us all more sleep. However, I know my DH misses us being in bed together (my sex drive takes a hit when breastfeeding too so it's not about that). Baby is sleeping better for now (touch wood) so im about to start settling them at bedtime and then starting my night in the main bedroom and I'll go in to baby when she wakes for a feed and co sleep with her for the rest of the night. Would that be an option for you?

Swipe left for the next trending thread