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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents in Law overstaying

125 replies

Flash26 · 04/07/2023 17:11

My Parents in Law are visiting us next month from the UK, usually come over twice a year for at least 1 full week, for the last 20 years. Our children are all in their late teens now. We have visited them plenty of times over the years too. They are nice people who I do care about, they help with cooking, cleaning etc. My problem is I feel they stay too long, 3 nights would be fine. They take control of the TV, if I go into other room something would be said, in jest but making sure they get their point across. I work week on week off, usually my work off they would arrive. .It all just disrupts my routine too much and I finding it harder to tolerate. We also give up our bedroom for them as its quite comfortable & has en-suite and we stay in spare room. Over the years I didn’t mind doing this but after having some medical issues this year-I’m not prepared to give up my room. AIBU to say “this time are you ok to stay in spare room”. This sounds terrible but I'm thinking if their not that comfortable in spare room they might not stay for so long on the next visit. My husband understands where I’m coming from, he usually takes some time off work when their over but I know he wouldn’t be able to tell them they are overstaying their welcome. We don’t want to hurt them.

OP posts:

crazyaboutcats · 04/07/2023 17:15

Where are they visiting too?

I'm in N America and any family come for a min of 3 weeks. Since medical issues I've found it too much and am asking that any future ones are limited to 10 days at ours and help

Original poster

Flash26 · 04/07/2023 17:17

From UK to Ireland,

OP posts:

Luxell934 · 04/07/2023 17:17

Where do you live? If it's long distance from the UK then wanting them to only stay for 3 nights seems unfair.

coronation2023 · 04/07/2023 17:23

Doesn't your husband want to see them for a week ?

Why is your opinion so much more important than anyone else's ?

Original poster

Flash26 · 04/07/2023 17:23

Ireland, they always come for at least 7 nights and I know it can be expensive for them, they really enjoy seeing us all but I’m starting to dread it now, it was different when the kids were younger.

OP posts:

CurlewKate · 04/07/2023 17:25

Oh ffs. It's your DP's parents. It's a week. I suppose you could try saying "I'm sorry- a week is too long. You can stay 3 days." That'd probably solve the problem for you- they'll never come again!

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 17:25

The time is fine. Being the spouse far from family is bad enough without time constraints. However, you need to organise it differently. No leaving your room. Find something everyone wants to watch on TV. Leave the room if you want and just live with the comments. Boundaries!

doingthehokeykokey · 04/07/2023 17:26

I think you’re being a bit miserable about it really. How old are they?

Original poster

Flash26 · 04/07/2023 17:26

He thinks the same, it’s harder for me as I’m the one here with them most of the time! Kids big now & hubby usually take a day off work, Fri or Mon as he doesn’t work weekends.

OP posts:

SunSurfSand · 04/07/2023 17:26

Have them come on your week at work.

Say you have medical issues this year and will be keeping your bedroom.

But a week is reasonable, if they are nice people then I think you need to suck it up with some boundaries in place.

saraclara · 04/07/2023 17:27

They're flying to see you from Ireland! A week is perfectly reasonable. You don't have to see them at all for another six months. There are any number of MNers who'll envy you that.

Would you have your own family for a week if you only saw them twice a year?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2023 17:28

SunSurfSand · 04/07/2023 17:26

Have them come on your week at work.

Say you have medical issues this year and will be keeping your bedroom.

But a week is reasonable, if they are nice people then I think you need to suck it up with some boundaries in place.

This.

LacieLane · 04/07/2023 17:30

Can you not mix it up a bit, now that the DC’s are older. A holiday house that you can all stay in. A hotel. Maybe even just this year, so next feels easier.

Takes the responsibility off you to host and changes the dynamic.

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 04/07/2023 17:32

YANBU. A week is far too long and I would not host them in my house for so long.

crazyaboutcats · 04/07/2023 17:37

Flash26 · 04/07/2023 17:17

From UK to Ireland,

I think considering they have to fly a week is fair enough. Are they covering the cost or you? Much less ay if them. Also if they were to some for shorter it would then reasonably be more often. Really a week is not that long, particularly as they help, and only twice per year.

Id agree with what others have said and pick weeks when you are working, their can get on with it or your DH can take off, and keep your bedroom.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 04/07/2023 17:43

Do you go and visit them?

Nanny0gg · 04/07/2023 17:43

Flash26 · 04/07/2023 17:26

He thinks the same, it’s harder for me as I’m the one here with them most of the time! Kids big now & hubby usually take a day off work, Fri or Mon as he doesn’t work weekends.

They're his parents! Why does he take so little time to spend with them?

saraclara · 04/07/2023 17:44

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 04/07/2023 17:32

YANBU. A week is far too long and I would not host them in my house for so long.

Would you host your own family for a week if they flew over from another country?

Aprilx · 04/07/2023 17:47

Well your husband should be the one that is mainly “entertaining” them and you shouldn’t have ever given up your bedroom. But you are being unreasonable about the length of the stay, a week when people have travelled from another country is fair.

Takenoprisoner · 04/07/2023 17:48

Keep your bedroom. So you can escape into it. And ignore their comments if you leave the room. They can't expect you to spend every waking moment with them if they're staying for a week.

And yes a week is too much, but at least keep your own room.

Natty13 · 04/07/2023 17:50

saraclara · 04/07/2023 17:44

Would you host your own family for a week if they flew over from another country?

Show quote history

I host my parents, DH hosts his. Once in the early days he did ask about towels or bedding or something for his aunt who was going to be visiting. As if the hosting fairy would have magically sorted it all. I pointed out that he didn't make up the beds etc for my family visiting so why would I do it for his?? He's very paranoid of being seen as a stereotypical lazy man expecting the woman to sort stuff though so he has always done it all himself every time since.

ValerieDoonican · 04/07/2023 17:50

I think the issue is partly your dh not taking much time off so the burden of hosting falls amost completely on you. As you have had health problems, it is a good opportunity to reclaim your week off, by having dh take the time off and you going in to work during their visit. And reclaim your room if you an, but at least reclaim a bit of peace by "needing to go to bed earlier these days".

Them taking over the tv remote is really rude though. I'm amazed so many parents/pils seem to do this !

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2023 17:51

You don't have to give them your bedroom, but the way you're going on about them staying for just one week is ridiculous.

They are nice people who I do care about, they help with cooking, cleaning etc.

You say this and yet you would still begrudge your husband being able to see his parents for one lousy week.

Natty13 · 04/07/2023 17:52

The length of time would be easier if you kept your own room, and aren't being expected to entertain them while your DH works.

I would never have someone sleep in my bed, you need your own room to retire to. You need space to decompress and unwind and not live in each others pockets 24/7. We are both from different countries and have had years of successful visits because we make sure the visits aren't too draining!

memyselfi · 04/07/2023 17:53

I really think you'd dh should be off work for the duration of their stay .

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