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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents in Law overstaying

125 replies

Flash26 · 04/07/2023 17:11

My Parents in Law are visiting us next month from the UK, usually come over twice a year for at least 1 full week, for the last 20 years. Our children are all in their late teens now. We have visited them plenty of times over the years too. They are nice people who I do care about, they help with cooking, cleaning etc. My problem is I feel they stay too long, 3 nights would be fine. They take control of the TV, if I go into other room something would be said, in jest but making sure they get their point across. I work week on week off, usually my work off they would arrive. .It all just disrupts my routine too much and I finding it harder to tolerate. We also give up our bedroom for them as its quite comfortable & has en-suite and we stay in spare room. Over the years I didn’t mind doing this but after having some medical issues this year-I’m not prepared to give up my room. AIBU to say “this time are you ok to stay in spare room”. This sounds terrible but I'm thinking if their not that comfortable in spare room they might not stay for so long on the next visit. My husband understands where I’m coming from, he usually takes some time off work when their over but I know he wouldn’t be able to tell them they are overstaying their welcome. We don’t want to hurt them.

OP posts:
jannier · 04/07/2023 19:34

Give them spare room, tell oh to take more time off and get on with it 2 weeks from 52 isn't that bad and they must be getting on now realistically how many more years can be done.

SunnyLion · 04/07/2023 19:47

A week is far too long if your husband isn't the one spending time with them.
Why are you doing it alone?
Nothing wrong with them sleeping in the spare room!

Door12345 · 04/07/2023 19:47

Why isn't your husband off work for the duration of their stay ? Surely he can take a week off twice a year , seems strange that he doesn't already do this

justanothermanicmonday1 · 04/07/2023 20:00

I wouldn't be asking them if they would mind the spare room, I'd politely say "we are going to have you stay in the spare room on this occasion, I'll ensure your stay is just as comfortable, I know you'll understand. Thanks"

TheWalrusdidbeseech · 04/07/2023 20:04

Door12345 · 04/07/2023 19:47

Why isn't your husband off work for the duration of their stay ? Surely he can take a week off twice a year , seems strange that he doesn't already do this

why would he need to? His parents should be able to cope 1 or 2 days on their own. They like to watch tv apparently 😂
he usually takes some time off work when their over, he's not disappearing for a week.

The OP could ask that the in-laws come on the week she works however, and not the week she's off.

Coralsunset · 04/07/2023 20:05

Definitely tell (don’t ask) them they will be staying in spare room.

Also, tell DH that from now on, they need to be with you on your work week, and he can schedule time off to entertain them.

Stop being a martyr and stand up for yourself.

CC4712 · 04/07/2023 20:07

justanothermanicmonday1 · 04/07/2023 20:00

I wouldn't be asking them if they would mind the spare room, I'd politely say "we are going to have you stay in the spare room on this occasion, I'll ensure your stay is just as comfortable, I know you'll understand. Thanks"

How ridiculous! What if they say 'well, its not as comfortable??? What then? How exactly @justanothermanicmonday1 would you ensure their stay is just as comfortable??? 🙄

Just say 'You are in the spare room this visit, here is the TV, fan etc'. Given that the OP has been ill, I'm sure anyone with 2 brain cells can work out that its more suitable for her to stay in her own room?

CurlewKate · 04/07/2023 20:08

It really is threads like this that makes me realise I'm glad I don't know many Mumsnetters in real life! Such

Countdown2023 · 04/07/2023 20:15

I really wish we hadn’t given up our bedroom to parents/in laws. It bloody irks me now each time we ‘move out’ when they visit. I am trying to ‘wean’ them into DC old rooms now that DC have moved out.

DD has her own home now and we are in spare bedroom which I am happier with.

phoenixrosehere · 04/07/2023 20:17

TheWalrusdidbeseech · 04/07/2023 18:55

yeah, that's what I said, THEY watching tv while being guests IS rude.

I said that if the OP doesn't want to give up her bed, she doesn't have to. She didn't say that she had to purchase a medical bed and was needing to keep it.
A bed is a bed.

I did hear someone advise to buy beds too narrow and too short, a great way to stop guests from lingering too long, maybe their guest bed is similar? 😂

Show quote history

Sorry, read that bit wrong.

I wish a bed was a bed. We usually book a hotel when visiting DH’s parents because the bed is so bad that DH has had to recover from it afterwards which isn’t surprising since it’s a 30 yo+ spring mattress and it’s less stressful for us with an ND child.

When they stay with us, DH does the hosting and by day 3, he’s anxious for them to go home, they’re here usually for about 5 days but they spend most of it talking about people he doesn’t know and moaning about his sister and her DH. He‘a happy to see them as do the children but he’s glad they only stay with us twice a year.

SallyWD · 04/07/2023 20:19

Honestly don't be so mean spirited! They come for 7 days, twice a year. That's nothing! My in laws come for 3 weeks at a time. They're your husband's parents. Do you really begrudge them/him those 7 days? I find a week flies by. It's fine to keep your own bedroom or take yourself off now and then while he entertains then but it would be very ungracious to make them feel unwelcome.

saraclara · 04/07/2023 20:20

Door12345 · 04/07/2023 19:47

Why isn't your husband off work for the duration of their stay ? Surely he can take a week off twice a year , seems strange that he doesn't already do this

Presumably OP wouldn't be too thrilled with that, as it would eat into his leave and make taking a family holiday difficult.

MzHz · 04/07/2023 20:22

Just be brave and explain, it needs to be x week to fit in with everything and because of my medical issues you’ll be in the spare room. Over the phone in advance will be way easier than when they’re there.

35965a · 04/07/2023 20:22

The length of visit wouldn’t bother me as much however I wouldn’t be giving my room up for anyone, I don’t care. Spare room or hotel. Also your husband leaving most of the entertaining to you is wrong, if his parents are here for the week he should be taking most if not all of the time off.

MzHz · 04/07/2023 20:23

Id never give up my room/bed for anyone. Neither would my h thankfully.

DisforDarkChocolate · 04/07/2023 20:24

You definitely need to arrange the next visit for your work week and your husband needs to be off for the whole week so he knows what it's like.

I'd go nuts staying with family for a while week.

TheWalrusdidbeseech · 04/07/2023 20:26

Countdown2023 · 04/07/2023 20:15

I really wish we hadn’t given up our bedroom to parents/in laws. It bloody irks me now each time we ‘move out’ when they visit. I am trying to ‘wean’ them into DC old rooms now that DC have moved out.

DD has her own home now and we are in spare bedroom which I am happier with.

I don't think there's one rule fits all, it all depends on each individual house.

Some people have an en-suite in the master, others leave the en-suite for the guest room. Some people have their desk in the spare room, and it would be so much more inconvenient to give it to guests.

It means nothing to be given the spare room, or the master.

But as the owner of the place, you can put guests where you like. I know on MN some posters will have CF families who will move them out of their own room, but normal people will go where you put their luggage and left towels etc 😂

frazzledasarock · 04/07/2023 20:26

Id never give up my room. And I’d swap my working week so they’d have to amuse themselves or their child DH would need to adjust his working pattern to host them.

saraclara · 04/07/2023 20:27

Anyway, they get the spare room, and if there's something you want to watch on the TV, you say so.
During the day plan to meet friends for coffee to break up the time, let the PILs know that you have plans and suggest some things they could do.

I've just come back from spending two weeks with two different relatives(a week each) in another country. They were lovely hosts, but we each did our own things throughout. Both sets were retired, but have busy lives and commitments. So they carried on with their normal lives, I did my own thing, and we came together for days out or meals out, walks, and during the evenings.
We had conversations about the TV to establish what people wanted to watch. They were kind enough to ask if there was anything I wanted to watch, and I got to watch some new things that they like.

Hmmmbetterchangethis · 04/07/2023 20:29

@Natty13 reading your comment reminded me about the first time my DH had a specific pair of his relatives visit.

He has his own room which he gave up for them to sleep in.
He told them with a great flourish that he had put ‘brand new fresh sheets’ on the bed for them (at my insistence). They weren’t brand new, they were just washed.
He really did feel this was the height of special treatment, as he would usually sleep in sheets his mum had slept in and vice versa when she stayed here!!!! 🤢

Curseofthenation · 04/07/2023 20:42

I think YABU as they only visit for 2 weeks in a whole year. However, I would never have offered out my own bedroom when a perfectly good spare room is available. You don't need to give any reasons for the switch, just tell them in advance so that it isn't awkward when they arrive.

I would say that your DH really needs to be taking off at least 2 days during their visits (so x4 in total). Can they arrange to visit during school holidays? If so, surely your DH can organise some days out/activities for his parents and DC to do together on the days he doesn't take off. You can stay at home while they go on a day out or two so that you have a break from a house full of people.

Another random thought, could they stay from Thursday to Wednesday in the future? That way your DH is off during the middle of their visit rather than only at the beginning. It might make it more manageable for you as you'll also be working for part of their visit.

phoenixrosehere · 04/07/2023 20:42

SallyWD · 04/07/2023 20:19

Honestly don't be so mean spirited! They come for 7 days, twice a year. That's nothing! My in laws come for 3 weeks at a time. They're your husband's parents. Do you really begrudge them/him those 7 days? I find a week flies by. It's fine to keep your own bedroom or take yourself off now and then while he entertains then but it would be very ungracious to make them feel unwelcome.

How is she being mean-spirited by wanting to sleep in her own bed while her in-laws are visiting especially with her having medical issues?

She is asking if she is being unreasonable to have them stay in the spare room instead of giving up her bedroom.

You’re being more mean-spirited than she is as well as other posters. She has already said that they visit several times a year to the in-laws whereas the in-laws visit twice a year for a week and this has been going on for years. She is not stopping her DH from seeing his family and her DH could if he really wanted to either have them come the week she is working and/or take off a week himself to spend time with his parents.

People can love their family but also find things about them annoying.

jeaux90 · 04/07/2023 20:54

Stay in your own room FGS

FOJN · 04/07/2023 21:16

Sounds like you have been carrying the hosting burden of their visit for yeats and now you're fed up. It's time to hand over the hosting to your husband.

In future the need to come on your work week and your husband can take time off.

A spare room is often referred to as a guest room, they are guests so that's their room. Do not explain the change and do not apologise. Your medical issues are none of their business unless you want to tell them, it's your house so you can decide to stay in your own room.

Ignore any comments about where you spend time in your own house. If you ignored them for the week they might have a point but otherwise their remarks are just rude.

Tell your husband he has to sort dinner for at least 3 nights of their stay and he has to make plans to entertain them at the weekend.

It's no good feeling resentful if you are not prepared to enforce some very reasonable boundaries. You do not have to martyr yourself in the process of hosting family visitors.

trulyunruly01 · 04/07/2023 21:26

See, I'd be saying "come for 10 days".
And also "I've found you a lovely holiday home just a few mins away so you can have your independence and stay even longer, we'll see you every two days".