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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents in Law overstaying

125 replies

Flash26 · 04/07/2023 17:11

My Parents in Law are visiting us next month from the UK, usually come over twice a year for at least 1 full week, for the last 20 years. Our children are all in their late teens now. We have visited them plenty of times over the years too. They are nice people who I do care about, they help with cooking, cleaning etc. My problem is I feel they stay too long, 3 nights would be fine. They take control of the TV, if I go into other room something would be said, in jest but making sure they get their point across. I work week on week off, usually my work off they would arrive. .It all just disrupts my routine too much and I finding it harder to tolerate. We also give up our bedroom for them as its quite comfortable & has en-suite and we stay in spare room. Over the years I didn’t mind doing this but after having some medical issues this year-I’m not prepared to give up my room. AIBU to say “this time are you ok to stay in spare room”. This sounds terrible but I'm thinking if their not that comfortable in spare room they might not stay for so long on the next visit. My husband understands where I’m coming from, he usually takes some time off work when their over but I know he wouldn’t be able to tell them they are overstaying their welcome. We don’t want to hurt them.

OP posts:
TheWalrusdidbeseech · 04/07/2023 22:20

trulyunruly01 · 04/07/2023 21:26

See, I'd be saying "come for 10 days".
And also "I've found you a lovely holiday home just a few mins away so you can have your independence and stay even longer, we'll see you every two days".

how generous of you. I wouldn't pay for a 10 day rental for my in-laws, that's why we have a guest room in the house. I keep that money for MY holiday!

SallyWD · 04/07/2023 22:33

phoenixrosehere · 04/07/2023 20:42

How is she being mean-spirited by wanting to sleep in her own bed while her in-laws are visiting especially with her having medical issues?

She is asking if she is being unreasonable to have them stay in the spare room instead of giving up her bedroom.

You’re being more mean-spirited than she is as well as other posters. She has already said that they visit several times a year to the in-laws whereas the in-laws visit twice a year for a week and this has been going on for years. She is not stopping her DH from seeing his family and her DH could if he really wanted to either have them come the week she is working and/or take off a week himself to spend time with his parents.

People can love their family but also find things about them annoying.

Show quote history

OK, sorry if I was too harsh. I completely agree she should sleep in her own bed. I also think DH should do the hosting. The in-laws coming while OP is working is a good idea. I was only objecting to the idea that their visits should be limited to 3 days. In my opinion a week is fine, so long as OP doesn't have to do all the hosting and entertaining.

Thepossibility · 04/07/2023 22:55

7 days would drag if they expect you to sit there watching them watch tv after being with them all day. Repeat 7 times. I'd go mad.

LadyJ2023 · 04/07/2023 23:17

A week we are overjoyed when anyone stays at ours whats a week

MistyMountainTop · 04/07/2023 23:35

Why don't you download your TVs remote to your phone and randomly change the channel to something you prefer? They'll just think there's something wrong with the TV

SarahDippity · 04/07/2023 23:47

UK to Ireland is a very short flight.

Can you give them a loan of one of your cars (assuming you’ve two) and encourage them to see a bit of the country? Especially if the children are older, and should be taking a more active role in their entertainment.

The spare room thing is just a given - that is where guests should stay.

AliceMay55 · 05/07/2023 06:09

They are his parents!!

lastminutewednesday · 05/07/2023 06:26

It's a week. They are nice people. Soon enough they won't be able to come due to infirmity or age. Until then suck it up for heavens sake. If it's that bad just go to work whilst they are there.

SunSurfSand · 05/07/2023 06:57

Also I think you absolutely have to give yourself permission to leave the room while they are watching TV and ignore the comments.

'Phew, what a busy day. I'm off to read my book in bed. please help yourself to anything in the kitchen, see you in the morning'

There's nothing rude about taking time for yourself during a week long visit.

Myrighteyeball · 05/07/2023 07:34

OP, I had exactly this problem. I told my husband of course his mum should stay as she wished, that I would be able to spend more than half of my evenings and a full day on the weekends with her, but that I would be working throughout, would otherwise stick to my normal routine and he would be hosting my MIL and arranging five to seven extra meals while she was here (which is similar to what I would do for my parents when they visited). Surprise, surprise, she's not visited for 2 years now... because he hasn't invited her as he doesn't want to take leave and doesn't like the extra responsibility of making a few extra meals and doing the extra bed and laundry. Fine for me to be doing it, funny how the invitations from him dried up when he was bearing the additional work required to host.

This is one of many occasions in the last 2 years where I have stood up for myself and required a more reasonable sharing of labour. In this instance, as in many others, his response has made me think less of him.

Pacificisolated · 05/07/2023 07:56

I think you should accommodate them for seven days due to the expense and distance but use your medical condition as a reason to implement boundaries. Keep your own bedroom and excuse yourself when you need a break from them/their bad TV.

LittleOwl153 · 05/07/2023 08:00

I would suggest they do Wednesday to Wednesday or something similar so that their prime time with you is the weekend. I would expect your husband to take Friday and Monday off work as obviously he and the kids are the focus of their visit.

And no I would not give up your bedroom.

If he's not bothered for them being with you though HE needs to speak up not just dump them on you and disappear to work.

rookiemere · 05/07/2023 08:10

Use your medical issues to reset the visits.

DH emails them in advance to say that they will be in guest bedroom because of this and that you apologise in advance if you seem a bit anti social as you really need to rest up a lot these days.

DreamItDoIt · 05/07/2023 08:23

Rwhat @Myrighteyeball said. Stand up for yourself, tell your DP that, whilst you live his parents, he needs to take over the hosting. Make him take the lead and do the organising. Do nothing and watch what happens, be busy with other things.

DreamItDoIt · 05/07/2023 08:28

And why are so many women in this thread telling the OP to 'suck it up' and get on with it?

Why is it HER responsibility, they are HIS parents. Is it because she's a woman and should 'be kind' and skivvy around everyone? It's clear he does very little to welcome HIS parents and no I dont care if he has a 'big' job, stop making excuses for useless, thoughtless men.

bucketoflego · 05/07/2023 08:31

AIBU to say “this time are you ok to stay in spare room” don't phrase it that way. It isn't a question it is a statement of fact they will be staying in the spare room so tell them that. Otherwise they could say no. Your statement will be that this time round they are staying in the spare room due to some medical issues you are having and you need your en-suite. This also gives you a reason to leave and seek sanctuary in your bedroom too.

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time. Having guests even helpful ones can feel exhausting when they are in your space. Dh's parents used to travel to see us after Ds1 was born and they stayed in a lovely BnB because my lovely MIL said it is overwhelming having a baby without people in your house too.

Mischance · 05/07/2023 08:32

I hope your children, when they have set up their own homes, will be a bit more welcoming to you but ..... hold on .... what will they have learnt from your example? .......

phoenixrosehere · 05/07/2023 08:37

lastminutewednesday · 05/07/2023 06:26

It's a week. They are nice people. Soon enough they won't be able to come due to infirmity or age. Until then suck it up for heavens sake. If it's that bad just go to work whilst they are there.

So are you really ignoring that OP has “sucked it up” for 20 years, and during this time has traveled to see them several times a year with her DH and children while the in-laws visit twice a year and this is the first time she wants them to stay in the spare room because she has medical issues?

Also, why is it on her to schedule them when their own son should be and could take off more than one day to spend time with them instead of leaving OP on her off week to host them while he is at work?

phoenixrosehere · 05/07/2023 08:41

bucketoflego · 05/07/2023 08:31

AIBU to say “this time are you ok to stay in spare room” don't phrase it that way. It isn't a question it is a statement of fact they will be staying in the spare room so tell them that. Otherwise they could say no. Your statement will be that this time round they are staying in the spare room due to some medical issues you are having and you need your en-suite. This also gives you a reason to leave and seek sanctuary in your bedroom too.

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time. Having guests even helpful ones can feel exhausting when they are in your space. Dh's parents used to travel to see us after Ds1 was born and they stayed in a lovely BnB because my lovely MIL said it is overwhelming having a baby without people in your house too.

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time. Having guests even helpful ones can feel exhausting when they are in your space.

I don’t either but it seems to me many posters simply skimmed it and didn’t actually read the details OP wrote and assumed she was the type of DIL trying to prevent her DH from seeing his family when that isn’t the case at all.

DreamItDoIt · 05/07/2023 08:42

Yea @Mischance hopefully her children will understand that it's joint 'workload',
Not just the woman's responsibility to do all the grunt work. Perhaps her children can take on the fact that taking the bulk of the responsibility for your own parents balances the load. Hopefully the OP will show that being walked all over, expected to give up her bedroom even though she has medical conditions is not the way to treat someone who you are supposed to be in a relationship/partnership with.

Maddy70 · 05/07/2023 08:45

You are being awful. A week is fine just say you are having a few medical issues so you heed to keep your bedroom and they will be in the spare room. That bit is fine

Nigelladamascena · 05/07/2023 08:53

HavfrueDenizKisi · 04/07/2023 18:43

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha OP.

My in laws come over to the UK from Australia. They're usually with us for 2 months.

So a week is fucking nothing. Plus, you said, they are helpful. So please suck it up and get a grip.

I agree, a week is no time at all.

My PIL stay with us, every year, from late July to the middle of September. I work from home so I am the one who has to host. My DH will take a couple of weeks off.

Mischance · 05/07/2023 09:11

In this rush to set "boundaries" has kindness flown out of the window?

These are not cruel, unpleasant manipulative people who gave the OP's DH a miserable childhood - they are just parents who wish to visit their son. Is that such a crime?

They presumably did not ask for the OP and her DH to give up their bed, so there is no problem about changing that decision. I am sure they did not demand to have that room.

Having guests is disruptive - that is just how life is. "It all just disrupts my routine too much and I finding it harder to tolerate." It is undoubtedly true that as we age we get more set in our ways and find disruption more difficult - but you seem to have started young!

A week is a short time to be asked to switch on your kindness gene - you will be them one day: your children will have flown, you love seeing your GC, but you feel unwelcome - that will hurt.

CurlewKate · 05/07/2023 09:31

Absolutely fine to say "As you know, I've had medical issues which mean I need to say in the master bedroom this trip- we've set up the spare bedroom for you."

Absolutely not fine to say, as I suspect the OP was hoping to "Actually, 7 days is too long- you're only welcome for 3."

Incidentally- how much extra work do two nice, helpful house guests make once you've made up the bed? All this stuff about "grunt work"! Mumsnetters are awful
Sometimes!

DreamItDoIt · 05/07/2023 10:24

If it's nit that much extra work why isn't the DH doing it. It's not just about the work, it's the 'expectation' - OP has alluded to this - she is expected to sit and watch tv with them, I am willing to bet she is making all the tea, doing the meal planning etc. it's completely different to 'normal' life,

This thread shows just how much women are brainwashed into taking responsibility. Why are so few posters not asking why the DH is stepping up for his parents?