Parents in Law overstaying

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My Parents in Law are visiting us next month from the UK, usually come over twice a year for at least 1 full week, for the last 20 years. Our children are all in their late teens now. We have visited them plenty of times over the years too. They are nice people who I do care about, they help with cooking, cleaning etc. My problem is I feel they stay too long, 3 nights would be fine. They take control of the TV, if I go into other room something would be said, in jest but making sure they get their point across. I work week on week off, usually my work off they would arrive. .It all just disrupts my routine too much and I finding it harder to tolerate. We also give up our bedroom for them as its quite comfortable & has en-suite and we stay in spare room. Over the years I didn’t mind doing this but after having some medical issues this year-I’m not prepared to give up my room. AIBU to say “this time are you ok to stay in spare room”. This sounds terrible but I'm thinking if their not that comfortable in spare room they might not stay for so long on the next visit. My husband understands where I’m coming from, he usually takes some time off work when their over but I know he wouldn’t be able to tell them they are overstaying their welcome. We don’t want to hurt them.

"This thread shows just how much women are brainwashed into taking responsibility. Why are so few posters not asking why the DH is stepping up for his parents?"

Loads of people are. I agree. I am questioning the Mumsnet narrative that guests of any sort are a huge burden, a massive inconvenience and should be avoided at all costs.

And "she is expected to sit and watch TV with them." Fuck me- how could anyone bear the strain.

Why haven't you mentioned her DP @CurlewKate? Because it clear from the OO that it's her that is expected, despite it being his parents. I wonder if he sits and watches tv and dies 'what's' expected when her parents visit.

Visitors can be a burden when the load isn't shared. It's 2023 not 1950.

My DH will take a couple of weeks off.

Your DH chooses to take a couple of weeks off, her DH takes off one day and uses the weekend while having them come when OP is off for the week. He could take the five days off if he really wanted to and host while OP is at work. He finds the time off to go visit them which they do several times a year yet can’t when they visit him.

They’re also coming from Ireland and if OP is in the UK they aren’t exactly coming from far away are they.

It is nowhere near the same as family flying in from the other half of the world and staying for weeks.

phoenixrosehere I agree, op's husband should take time off. My husband takes 2 weeks off but I still host for the other 4 weeks plus.

Also, I never said my PIL were coming from the other half of the world, that was another PP. My PIL are coming from some where relatively 'local'.

There is no hint in the OP that the husband is not stepping up - he takes time off work to be a part of the visit. He understands that it is disruptive to routines. The OP's grumble does not seem to be about her OH but about the fact of the in-laws coming for a week.

I had similar experience. But really a week is not that long. And after 20 years , surely they know their way around the locality . Get them on your car insurance, suggest a new place they can stop for lunch and have a light dinner for them. This was my Wednesday! to break up the week. Comments about leaving the room , reply with a tinkly laugh 😃. Another ploy was leaving extra early for airport as it will be busy. Take them to the pub one night and maybe they'll be quiet the next day. 😉 Obviously this is sort of lighthearted but my ILs were not nice people but tedious and hard work .
On the bed thing , it is absolutely OK for them to have spare room especially as DCs are gone , whole bathroom to themselves. And to be fair , they would probably hate to think that it bothered you .
On DH day off , he has to entertain them . Out of the house.

@DreamItDoIt "Why haven't you mentioned her DP?"

Because I have no idea how much time he takes off, how much time he can take off, whether they will need his leave later in the year, whether they have agreed that the PIL should come during her non work week so as not to use up any leave....

What I am saying is that it is ridiculous how Mumsnet seems to regard having nice, friendly, cooperative, helpful visitors as an enormous, onerous burden. The actual word "burden" is being used throughout this thread. It's insane!

Welcoming family visiting is a normal part of life and, as long as they are not actively unpleasant or rude, is nothing to get steamed up about. My in-laws and parents have sadly died, but visits from them were just a matter of course. Of course they want to see their children and GC.

If they are coming from a distance that requires a flight then stating for a week makes sense.

Having visitors does disrupt the normal routine, but so be it.

I am questioning the Mumsnet narrative that guests of any sort are a huge burden, a massive inconvenience and should be avoided at all costs.

I don't think it's a 'Mumsnet narrative' at all. I think it's just that different people find different things in life stressful. Some people find it a lot more difficult than others to be around people all the time - you might not find it particularly arduous, and that's great, but for some people it would be mentally draining.

The OP has patiently and dutifully had her in-laws to stay twice a year, for at least a week each time, for the past 20 years. Each time she's given them her own bedroom and en-suite bathroom and decamped to the spare room herself. She's spent evening after evening with them over 20 years watching crap on telly with them every night for a week and they make pointed comments if she dares to spend an hour in another room. She's also given up her week off each time while her DH, their son, mostly leaves her to it. She's been more than kind and more than accommodating, for twenty fucking years! She's hardly the worst DIL in the world for wanting a slightly shorter stay this time. It's not like she's saying she never wants to see them again!

A week is a long time to be out of your bedroom and routine.

Thankfully my parents live an hour up the road so we can go up and down in a day, but I remember when they were still able to travel to us and they would deliberately extend their visits to longer than invited and it did grate.

My cousin flies over to visit her DM and stays for a week every time. Daunt complains to my DM that she is there too long, Dcousin complains she finds the visits wearing. Why she doesn't go more often for a few long weekends is beyond me.

In this case I think offering the ILs the less comfortable bedroom might encourage shorter visits.

Also I would feel weird sleeping in someone else's bed, particularly if they were there. Did it once as our friends kindly decamped to their campervan, but it felt so awkward I wouldn't do it again.

I think that we need to remember that one day this will be us.

We will be that parent or parent in law, that our children don't want to have visit.

So true. I always think that when I read these posts.

I totally agree. I also think people like the op have absolutely no idea what real nightmare in-laws are like. Hers sound like a dream and she doesn't know how lucky she is.

Sorry, meant to quote @LacieLane.

If she's got to fly maybe more frequently isn't affordable

Yep

This.

My DM was just here for 5 weeks. We don't have a spare room (although living room has two very comfortable couches). For medical reasons I could not sleep on the couch this time, and we did not want a 70 year old to sleep out there, so DH gave up his bed.

Because she is our children's grandmother.

My PIL make zero effort with their GC, and it is to their detriment. We would be delighted to have a disruption to our routine if they came, but they have zero interest.

Flying from Ireland to the UK is almost always cheaper than catching a train between cities within the UK!

Is lot of people wish they could condense seeing their in laws to two weeks of a year.

No everyone can afford either

A general comment not aimed at the op....I wonder how many partners have the same issues with their in-laws but don't say. Surely the issue is just they don't do it the way you always have and therefore your own are normal easy going and in-laws are hard work. Not that they have horns.

My late ILs lived 200 miles away from us, four hour drive. They never came to stay for less than a week. They didn’t think it was worth their while to just come for a weekend. Yes it did annoy me but it was three times a year at most We visited them more often.

I didn't say that they could did I? I didn't comment on the affordability of either! Sheesh.