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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not work full time?

951 replies

Lazym · 04/07/2023 11:03

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
15
Original poster
Lazym · 04/07/2023 15:43

RecycleMePlease · 04/07/2023 12:20

I hate this.

Women, spend years working part time around everyone else's needs, be on call for whenever you're needed, do the majority of the scut-work, then once the kids are a bit older and life can finally get a bit easier for you it's time that you go full time to work (plus continue doing all the other things you've always done).

Fuck that.

Women need to start making contracts at the beginning of these relationships. An understanding that if you're going to be the bottom of the heap priority-wise, putting everyone else first, then it's fair enough that eventually you get some time off.

OP, YANBU. You have worked around everyone else for years, I don't think a couple more years working part-time in a job you enjoy is an unreasonable request.

Thank you for seeing my pov.

OP posts:
TrixieFatell · 04/07/2023 15:43

I dont think you are being unreasonable but you won't get much support because as a society we don't like to acknowledge all the invisible labour and mental load that women do.

I come at this from the pov that I "work" part time. I actually work full time but only 24 hours of that is paid employment. The rest is what keeps my home going, I do the majority of childcare, housework and all the family admin. My husband once asked about whether I would work full time once my eldest started secondary school in a few years, we sat down and added up costs for cleaners etc and for us it suits us better for me to be part time. It suits him that I work part time too. It might change as life goes on, I do want one day to specialize in my area of work and most of those are full time positions. Plus my husband works a very physical job and as he gets older his body is straying to feel it so he might not be able to work as he does now.

However I am financially secure, I have a pension, I own the house though he would obviously have some claim to it, I have a good salary that means I am able to contribute a fair share and a partner who is supportive.

So for you I think you need to protect yourself and your future more. You've worked hard raising your family and supporting your partner to work, but now need to think of yourself.

Lentilweaver · 04/07/2023 15:45

Glad you came back to the thread. Many of us are not questioning the value of part-time work. It's just not having your name on the mortgage and not being married is unwise. You could probably get some good advice in the Money Matters forum.

Your partner doesn't sound very nice, and therefore people are worried for you.

Original poster
Lazym · 04/07/2023 15:49

ColdHandsHotHead · 04/07/2023 12:29

You could get a second part time job?

I've given this thought today, it's a possibility.

OP posts:
Traffic321Cha0s · 04/07/2023 15:50

You paid a one off cost of "£200 for prom"

My council tax is £140 a month

Do you realise how much everything costs for all the household bills, car, insurances ?

What about treats like days out, holidays, birthdays, Xmas

Can you ask your employer for more hours ?

speluncean · 04/07/2023 15:51

You're so terribly vulnerable. He could literally put you out tonight and you'd have to keep yourself on your part time wages.

Luxell934 · 04/07/2023 15:53

Not sure how 16 hours a week in a supermarket would allow you to pay for everything for the children and 30% of the bills. Do you get UC top up?

Is your partner a high earner? If not it could be that he needs you to go back to work to help pay for the bills.

Original poster
Lazym · 04/07/2023 15:54

SayHi · 04/07/2023 13:01

I could never work PT knowing my partner was taking the financial burden.

What happens if he loses his job or he ends the relationship?

As a single parent I’ve always worked FT and so I don’t buy childcare excuse.
Yes when they were very young it’s different but they’re old enough now that you cannot use that as an excuse.

My sister went through an almost identical situation where she was working FT and her DP refused to work more than PT and I said to her at the time that I would end my relationship over it because I felt he was so selfish.

I'm sorry but the childcare isn't an excuse. As I put in my original post he's very money obsessed and whenever we've ever had this "discussion" about me working full time (when the kids were a lot younger) as soon as I mentioned paying for childcare he'd always go silent.

OP posts:
Sissynova · 04/07/2023 15:56

It's always the poor sod paying all the bills who is "money obsessed" isn't it?

DrSbaitso · 04/07/2023 15:57

Lazym · 04/07/2023 15:31

Not at all, when I was responding to the original reply I thought they were referring to why do we have children but not married, I thought it wasn't that uncommon these days.

Show quote history

It's not. And therefore, nor are women who find themselves completely over a barrel with no protection and think it's modern and empowering.

Maybe the law needs to be updated, I don't know, but that's how it stands right now. I'm guessing you don't have a cohabitation agreement either?

Unicorntearsofgin · 04/07/2023 15:59

I’d be taking on more hours to ensure you have some savings and more for your pension as I’d be concerned about the lack of security you have.

StormShadow · 04/07/2023 16:02

Lentilweaver · 04/07/2023 15:45

Glad you came back to the thread. Many of us are not questioning the value of part-time work. It's just not having your name on the mortgage and not being married is unwise. You could probably get some good advice in the Money Matters forum.

Your partner doesn't sound very nice, and therefore people are worried for you.

Yes, exactly.

There are lots of good points to be made about societal failure to value the work women do in the same way as men's, fairness etc. But the vulnerability of your position OP is much more important than any of them.

Creepyrosemary · 04/07/2023 16:02

If he throws you out when the youngest is 18 you'll have no pension, no house or equity, no savings, no career and a low paid part time job.

I think you should look into that. Get some financial advice and look at what you need to earn to save for a pension and maybe invest a small studioflat somewhere. You can let it out for extra income but if you end up alone you can live there.

Creepyrosemary · 04/07/2023 16:03

Do you have computer skills or are you willing to take an online course? Secretary work might pay more and plenty work 4 days a week. That will still give you a day off.

SayHi · 04/07/2023 16:04

Lazym · 04/07/2023 15:54

I'm sorry but the childcare isn't an excuse. As I put in my original post he's very money obsessed and whenever we've ever had this "discussion" about me working full time (when the kids were a lot younger) as soon as I mentioned paying for childcare he'd always go silent.

Show quote history

You don’t need to pay for childcare anymore though, so you are using it as an excuse.

Original poster
Lazym · 04/07/2023 16:05

RoomOfRequirement · 04/07/2023 13:38

Missing the point but where do you live that 16 hours a week in a supermarket is enough to pay 30% of bills, half food shopping and all of the kids expenses?!

Jealous af

Show quote history

This includes child benefit and the mortgage is not very high.

OP posts:
SayHi · 04/07/2023 16:07

Are you actually happy in this relationship?

In the gentlest way, you don’t seem to be and you’ve been very negative about him even though you’ve been fortunate enough to only need to work PT for years.

You keep saying he’s obsessed with money.
If you were the main earner then you would be too.
His wage is what keeps the roof over yours and your DCs head and that is a big burden to take on.

He is telling you that money is tight and you need to work extra hours and you just keep saying how obsessed with money he is - of course he’s going to be careful with money and you would be too if the tables were turned.

DrSbaitso · 04/07/2023 16:10

SayHi · 04/07/2023 16:07

Are you actually happy in this relationship?

In the gentlest way, you don’t seem to be and you’ve been very negative about him even though you’ve been fortunate enough to only need to work PT for years.

You keep saying he’s obsessed with money.
If you were the main earner then you would be too.
His wage is what keeps the roof over yours and your DCs head and that is a big burden to take on.

He is telling you that money is tight and you need to work extra hours and you just keep saying how obsessed with money he is - of course he’s going to be careful with money and you would be too if the tables were turned.

There's being careful with money, and there's building a life with a woman, having kids with her and expecting her to bring in money AND keep all home fires burning, while refusing to pay for childcare and ensuring you have all the financial power and home security while she has none.

That's not being sensible with money, that's a loveless ingrate.

Original poster
Lazym · 04/07/2023 16:11

Lentilweaver · 04/07/2023 14:05

OP, I guess you are overwhelmed and have left the thread. If you do come back, at least take a look at the CAB advice linked by another poster upthread.

I think the only two choices you have are to get married or work full time, because your DH appears to be getting resentful or even preparing to leave, if you don't even share bank acccounts. I hope I am wrong.

I haven't left I had to go out. Just going through now, would like to reply to everyone but there's quite a few!

OP posts:
ThroughGraceAlone · 04/07/2023 16:11

Hmm I'm always sceptical of a man not willing to marry a girl he's raising kids with and presumably loves..

Traffic321Cha0s · 04/07/2023 16:11

Look www.gov.uk
Find a job
Enter name of town or county or postcode
View jobs

You can also view jobs on your local; job centre, council, NHS, websites

Welcome to GOV.UK

GOV.UK - The place to find government services and information - simpler, clearer, faster.

http://www.gov.uk

Sissynova · 04/07/2023 16:14

Lazym · 04/07/2023 16:05

This includes child benefit and the mortgage is not very high.

Show quote history

You can’t count child benefit as your money though. You are together, you haven’t earned it any more than him.

Original poster
Lazym · 04/07/2023 16:14

AgnesX · 04/07/2023 14:18

You're getting a bit of a hard time (wondering if some of the more virulent posters are of the male species or just bloody minded handmaiden wannabes). I'd lay any money that you manage the home and kids and your partner doesn't lift a finger.

I'm happy to disabused of that preconception.

I wouldn't say he does absolutely nothing but the only thing he does really is cut the grass

OP posts:
FluffyFlannery · 04/07/2023 16:15

Why can’t your partner support you? Does your household need the extra money?

worldstillturns · 04/07/2023 16:20

OP, this man was not even willing to put you on his mortgage. Why not? You are the mother of his children fgs! Does he not want that security for his own children at least? What is wrong with him? How have you lived like this all these years???

Whose line is the "We don't need to be married as it's not the Victorian era?" Let me guess...

So basically, he's been perfectly happy for you to get up at 2.30am (!!!) for years in order to work around the kids and do everything else so that he didn't have to. This has massively benefitted him. Look, he has children - but also a home, presumably a pension and he has sailed on through the years, working full time. No housework, kids issues to factor in because you have facilitated all that.

You also have kids. However, no career progression, no home, no pension, no savings.

Diabolical! OP, why did you do all this for a man who won't share finances either you or give you the security of a joint share in your home. This is the very minimum you should expect! Why even have children with a man who won't give you - the mother of his children - that security?

He has taken advantage of your best years so that he could progress in his career, pay of his mortgage etc while you take on the unpaid labour of HIS children and HIS house. What a surprise - now the kids are more independent he wants his money out if you in other ways - ie. 'You've done the hard bit with my kids - thanks for that, now get yourself out to work.' Unbelievable!

And no, he won't adjust his behaviour to take on any more housework or commitments to the kids. He takes all this for granted because he has been facilitated by you for almost 2 decades.

You need to insist he puts you on the mortgage. This is beyond ridiculous. Insist on joint finances. Insist he takes on more outside of his job if you return to work full time. Don't settle for any less. I say this as someone who doesn't work at all (SAHM with teens) but I'm financially protected and my husband wouldn't have it any other way (nor would I).