Friend a total CF and disrespected my house

[Bubbly8382]

Hi

Still fizzing about this and would like some perspective before I either bin this friendship or create further distance.

long and short of it I have a pal who I’ve known over 20+ years and haven’t seen since way before the pandemic.

Ask if they can come up to visit me in me for a couple of days, obviously not a problem.

Its a long trip to mine, 12 hour drive, and they decided to commute by car.

Things started off fine but a few things made my blood absolutely boil.

1. Friend smokes, I don’t and my partner is trying to quit. No issue with them smoking outside, but Friend stood in door way with all internal doors open so smoke drifted back into house making it stink.

2. Friend kept walking about the house belching loudly, when I said ‘excuse me maybe?’ They just laughed and continued doing it.

3. We had a take away one night, fish and chips, so oily wrappers. I have a suede leather sofa (you can see where I’m going) They were given a tray but decided to put the wrapper on the couch, staining it with oil, obviously I was quite upset about it, and I just got a feeble apology and no offer to help clean it, just continued to sit there eating loudly and burping away.

4. Last but by far the worst……
   Friend advised they would be leaving the early hours to get home, again not a problem, and agreed for 5am…… Friend decides to get up at 3am, crash around like a herd of elephants, crashed around the kitchen getting food

(For context the sleeping area in my home is the opposite end from the kitchen on the same floor, but you can close the internal doors and then no one is disturbed)

I obviously angrily got up and made a sarcastic comment along the lines of ‘You’d make a shit ninja’ to which they laughed and said ‘I wasn’t that loud’

My partner and I had work that day, needless to say we were exhausted with our 3am wake up!

Im livid, and I never want them to stay again or at the moment see them again!

AIBU??

The OP clearly and repeatedly says friend in her first post rather than friends. The lack of an s indicates a singular friend. Hope that helps for next time you are faced with this confusing situation.

👏🏻

I knew it’d be a man.

OP I’m with you. He’s rude and selfish and has no respect. I’d let this friend fuck all the way off and never return.

(The shit ninja thing is hilarious and I’m stealing that line at some point)

The use of "they" indicates more than one guest. Hope that helps you.

His behaviour sounds awful. Has he changed since you last saw him because it strikes me that his behaviour is not just a difference in personality i.e. some people are just a bit loud, some friends are fine belching in front of each other.

I don't know why you'd have the greasy chip paper in the living room? Surely even if eating off your knees, you plate up in the kitchen? Even if they didn't put the greasy paper on the sofa, it would have been on your floor or whatever ... when it just needs to go straight in the bin.

The smoking thing I think was on you to say can you go all the way outside and shut the door - yeah he sounds ill-mannered but it just sounds like he wasn't welcome.

I don't think you need to decide who is at fault, just let this particular friendship gently float down the river.

Had you never stayed with each other before? Sometimes friends you see in pubs or for lunch etc are compatible in that setting but domestically a mismatch. As you live so far apart, that's quite hard to overcome now!

I don't know whether people really think this is OK behaviour when you're a guest in someone's house, or they're just being goady. This person was extremely rude. Nobody I know would behave like that. But OP has had a stream of "I wouldn't be bothered by that" and the predictable "you don't seem to like your friend".
Suggesting that it's OP's fault that the guest got grease on the sofa, because she should have provided a table to eat at, is ridiculous. Everyone in my family can sit on the sofa to eat without dropping greasy wrappers on it.
This person is just an oaf!

I can't explain why and I know I'm BU but I do think it makes a difference that it's a man and not a woman. When I thought it was a woman I thought you just didn't like your friend and were trying to find reasons to dislike them. But once you said it was a man, I could imagine him being careless out of selfishness.

Purely form personal experience, I've never known a woman burp intentionally loudly, but I have lots of men.
I've definitely known more men be inconsiderate about waking people up with a racket (my dad when i was young springs to mind)
And I've definitely known more men cause careless damage to furniture...

So YANBU...

The belching could be a medical problem, and they might have laughed out of embarrassment rather than amusement.

The other things: rather inconsiderate, but I think you might have forestalled them to some extent. The sofa incident was certainly thoughtless of them, but probably you should have arranged to eat something like this at the kitchen table - spillages could happen even with a tray. The smoking at the door- well, I wouldn't have much liked it, but it's not the same as smoking indoors, and you could have asked them not to; the fact that your dh is trying to quit would be a good reason on its own. The loudness in the morning: you could have asked them to keep it down (people often don't realize how loud they are being, especially when in a hurry), rather than making a sarcastic remark.

Fair enough not to invite them to stay again; but I think that having your 'blood boil' is an overreaction.

I think the fact the friend invited himself doesn’t help with the annoyance. He asked to come and stay then acted inconsiderately whilst there. I do wonder how they behave at home.

Maybe just realise that you are two very different people... stick to video calls!!

I would be cross about the smoking. DH is a smoker and he only smokes at the bottom of the garden or away from the house. Yes some cigarette smells will cling to his clothes etc but I would be furious if someone was smoking in my house.
That said, I would have made them get out and shut the door.

I feel like such replies are written by people who need English lessons. I have no real desire to wade into gender politics, and this is nothing to do with gender identification. I have been using "they" for a singular person of undisclosed gender as a grammatical feature since the time it was considered a travesty for boys to wear pink or girls to wear trousers.

I do agree when there are multiple people of known gender, and an article uses "they", that gets confusing. But otherwise, do you people not read, in general?! What about a murder mystery when they're talking about an unknown culprit? Etc, so many possible applications

there are different types of friends - I’ve heard it described as the 4 minute friends (that you pass the time of day with), the 4 hour friends (coffee/drinks/gym), the 4 day friends (weekend breaks/ house guests) and 4ever friends (that you can marry or move in with)

It sounds like he’s a 4 hour friend, but not a 4 day friend. Sometimes it’s not easy to put someone back in the right category if the ick is too strong. But sometimes it’s just relevant information about the limits of that friendship.

I have a very dear 4 hour friend who means the world to me, and we’ve been friends for decades. It took a couple of years to recover our friendship from a foray into the 4 day category - we are not compatible in a shared space. Doesn’t make either of us bad people, or mean we shouldn’t be friends. We just need to know our limits, and enjoy each others company for what it is.

What about a murder mystery when they're talking about an unknown culprit? Etc, so many possible applications
In that case the reader knows that the writer knows that the identity of the subject is unknown. That shared known unknown ensures the text continues to flow.

In the case of this OP the reader knows that the OP does know and is deliberately obscuring it for no reason. That makes it jarring and awkward to read.

My suggestion; if you are fond of this person in spite of his bad manners and disrespectful behavior just organize to meet in a bar/pub/restaurant. If he suggests that he wants to stay at yours just say that it is not convenient. Maybe you have grown apart and you are not tolerating his behavior anymore.If this is the case just let the friendship fizzle out .Nothing wrong with that,people grow /change and move on.

This is a brilliant way of looking at it. I am going to use this going forward, thank you for sharing.

Is this your friend 🤔

I think they sound rude and disgusting .
Just ignore there calls and txts . If you do co tinier the friendship I’d be honest wheh they say to visit you again . That they will have to book a hotel as they trashed your house the last time and your passed the age of sharing your space too and need your sleep for work.
I hate ignorant people . I know it’s difficult as a guest to stay in someone’s home but, they just sound awful with no respect .
who does this

As a smoker turned vaper, when at someone else's I have always assumed I should go properly outside with it as a default - if the host then says "you can stand in the doorway" or whatever then I take them up on it.

Burps and farts don't bother me, not everyone excuses themselves in informal settings like a mate's house, they might even joke about it.

She should've helped clean the sofa, or taken more care, but I wouldn't eat chippy on a fabric like that in the first place. She might've done it absentmindedly as she has a less stain-y sofa at home.

Getting up 2 hours before leaving isn't unreasonable, and whatever noise she was making would sound louder due to a lack of the usual daytime noise in the background. I think it's sad that what must be a rare visit between friends ended on such a sour note.

Maybe next time you should travel 12 hours to stay with your friend at her's and show her how it's done?

All smokers I know though are respectful of not smoking in my house.

The guest didn't smoke inside the house. They stood outside the door but the smell of smoke drifted back into the house.

The OP, of course, could have resolved this problem by just telling the guest that this was happening and asking them to move a bit further outside. The OP's partner is also a smoker (although trying to give up) so she could simply have said 'If you want to smoke, best to nip to the end of the garden, that's where DP used to smoke before he gave up.'

The burping is gross, but this is a friend the OP has known for two decades and is comfortable enough to have staying in the house, so it seems surprising to me that she wasn't already aware of her friend's manners/lack of embarrassment, and although I hate people burping around me, I would assume that someone who kept doing it couldn't help it and I certainly wouldn't draw attention to it.

The chip wrapper thing was careless, but serving fish and chips, in the wrapper, while sitting on a cream suede sofa is asking for trouble and the guest clearly didn't mark the sofa on purpose.

The noise thing is neither here nor there, really. If someone has to get up in the early hours, they can't somehow move around in total silence. There will be some sound.

OP, there is no such thing as the perfect houseguest and generally, when it's someone they like, a host will be able to overlook these sorts of very minor inconveniences. Your fury seems really disproportionate here.

I'd have said "would you mind smoking outside and shutting the door behind you, I just hate the smoke blowing back inside the house thanks 🙏"

"Sorry, don't mean to be annoying but my sofa will stain so please use the tray and be careful thanks 🙏"

And "you're incredibly windy, have you been to the GP about that, is it controllable? ... and if it was, it's one of those noises like nails on a blackboard for me so would you mind trying to be a little more discreet with it around me thanks 🙏"

The leaving at 5 getting up at 3 - id just have closed the doors and whispered "sorry we have to work in the morning, doors keep it down when shut, safe journey" and gone back to bed

TBF this sounded like my friend until the 'getting up early part'... my friend (who somehow claims she has insomnia) could sleep through the apocalypse and has never been on time to ANYTHING EVER.

Thing is I have know my friend for nearly 20 years, non of this surprises me because she has ALWAYS been like that. If shes your friend of 20 years you must know that right?

Despite my friends 'strong' personality she has a lot of friends because shes a very social butterfly who desperately thrives on others so will always be there for anyone no matter what someones going through.

Its a weird form of symbiotic friendship we form and we are all aware of where we fit in such friendships though. Like I HATE people loudly burping/farting constantly and being late to everything, chain smoking at the door irritates my breathing and walking around my house with their arse out bothers my DH but it isn't really a friendship ruiner when its someone who has stood by us before.

I wouldn’t. I’d have said “You’re a sewer rat and have outstayed your welcome. Time for you to head back to your shop doorway or council estate.