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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've been unfaithful and I don't know how tell DH

960 replies

Lostsoul0307 · 03/07/2023 11:48

I know I'm going to be absolutely annihilated for this but please believe me when I say I already feel terrible.

I was at a friends hen party this weekend at a holiday cottage with a group of about 20, on the Friday night a stripper had been hired and it was way more intimate than I was prepared for, he did a bit with whipped cream and a few of us licked off. I would never usually but I was really quite tipsy, there was a bit of crowd pressure and the whole thing was really quite arousing, I know these are lame excuses. I crossed a line and did stuff for way longer than I should.

I know I need to tell DH but I have no idea how to even go about bringing this up, he'll be crushed and I'm so disappointed in myself.

OP posts:
strawberrywhisk · 03/07/2023 13:18

Balloonhearts · 03/07/2023 13:14

It's not fine. No one is saying it is. But what good comes from telling him? She isn't having an affair, it's ONE event in a lifetime together where she had a few too many and did something, yes, pretty grim and classless, but ultimately harmless. She will never see the guy again and lets face it, she was pissed as a fact so wouldn't recognise him if she did.

I'd not destroy a good marriage for this. Not even in the name of honestly. She'll be eaten up by guilt regardless, why hurt him too?

So you'd be happy for your other half to have their mouths around someone elses genitals for 3/4 minutes and be ignorant it happened?

Isengard · 03/07/2023 13:18

Newusernameaug · 03/07/2023 13:10

I used to date a male stripper - this would of happened on practically every job if they allowed it to, some men did, others didn’t.
To all those disbelieving - this is very normal in the male stripping world! They also get unwanted sexual advances all the time including being groped, it’s known in the industry that male strippers are groped far more than women, who are protected from it.

I personally wouldn’t tell my partner the whole hog, but I would say I get guilty for even partaking, as that’s now a line I wouldn’t even cross. I’d say I went under the flag, did have a lick and stopped. He doesn’t need to know the full thing.
I also get the aroused thing - if people didn’t get aroused why would there even be strippers??!!
Just learn from it OP, I’m sure everything will be fine, and despite what some of these other mumsnetters say, you’re perfectly normal!

It's not "normal" at all, I don't know many people who'd do that, even when drunk. Maybe it's some people's thing and fair enough, but it's grim and no amount of drink would or ever has brought out that sort of behaviour in me. 🤷‍♀️

I love how people are reassuring OP she hasn't cheated when she definitely has, and would likely go spare if their partners did the same and tried to hide it.

Juanmartinez · 03/07/2023 13:18

Eew 🤮

IheardYouButDontWantToAnswer · 03/07/2023 13:19

What do you think you will gain by telling your husband? It will certainly ease your conscience, but your husband will be extremely hurt, and your marriage will be in jeopardy. Do NOT tell him. If he finds out, you might have to confess, but keep hoping that he'll never know - and be sure not to get into that situation again.

Been there, done that - luckily, my husband forgave me and we went on to have many more years of marriage.

Dalekjastninerels · 03/07/2023 13:19

PookieHook · 03/07/2023 13:08

So many MNers are going to be put right off the lettuce leaf they sniff for their lunch today

Show quote history

A whole leaf?! That leaf could easily last a week with portion control.😂

Bluebells1970 · 03/07/2023 13:21

I think you'll have to say something to him if you're both going to the wedding that this hen do preceded.... there's a strong chance that this was shared on a group chat or two.

Prepare him at least even it's an "oh god, I think I was so drunk that I joined in with the rest of them". Perhaps leave out the 3 to 4 minutes..... and emphasise how very drunk everyone was so that "recollections may vary".

Denise82 · 03/07/2023 13:22

Lostsoul0307 · 03/07/2023 12:25

I know I need to tell DH I just genuinely don't know how

Just send him the link to this or wait for it to show up on Facebook or in the papers 🤷‍♀️
Seriously though, there is no amount of alcohol or peer pressure that could make me give a stripper a blow job. And yes it's cheating! Strippers aren't some sub human, fair game, not counted as cheating if I fuck one, if you engage in anything sexual its the same as doing it with anyone else, It's cheating end of! Tell your husband before he finds out from someone else, because guess what, women talk and one will have told their partners what everyone got upto and then if your in the same group they will make a jokes of all the ones who sucked off the stripper at that hen. Tell him and let's see if he classes it as cheating.

TimeToMoveIt · 03/07/2023 13:22

Yeah I've heard of this happening before although fortunately never seen it myself. It's fucking gross and I'd certainly want to know if I was with someone who did this

sandyhappypeople · 03/07/2023 13:22

Balloonhearts · 03/07/2023 13:14

It's not fine. No one is saying it is. But what good comes from telling him? She isn't having an affair, it's ONE event in a lifetime together where she had a few too many and did something, yes, pretty grim and classless, but ultimately harmless. She will never see the guy again and lets face it, she was pissed as a fact so wouldn't recognise him if she did.

I'd not destroy a good marriage for this. Not even in the name of honestly. She'll be eaten up by guilt regardless, why hurt him too?

She's already hurt him, he just doesn't know it yet, would you prefer to be told by your OH that they made a drunken mistake getting carried away, or told by someone else after the fact that she happily noshed off a stripper then lied about it for months.. I know which I'd prefer.

Besides, nobody is that naive to think 20 people on a hen do are able to all keep that a secret? Imagine if someone told him at the wedding that they're all going to be at??

Spreadbed · 03/07/2023 13:22

Sorry but this is definitely cheating, I can’t believe those saying it isn’t. You gave him oral sex - hidden by a flag which I assume you knowingly went behind for privacy?

You need to tell him so that he can make an informed decision on whether he wants to stay in the relationship.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 03/07/2023 13:23

half expect this to be market research for a new Listerine campaign.

„Had something regrettable in your throat ? Try new Listerine cock-be-gone…“

AriettyClock22 · 03/07/2023 13:23

I don't think I could class it in the same ball park as an affair or even a one night stand. It was drunken stupidity gone way too far in a room full of other people. You didn't slope off and shag him. You were idiotic and part of what sounds like a baying mob. It's really bad drunken behaviour and I'd be livid if I was your dh but I don't see what good can come from telling him. It's not like you're going to see the guy or his penis again.

It does carry a risk of STI's though so I'd get that looked at.

Also the poster who said she must be shit at blow jobs has seriously ruined my day 😂

PoshHorseyBird · 03/07/2023 13:23

You need to tell him, it would be far worse if he found out from someone else. Plus look at it this way...if your DH had gone on a stag do and given oral sex to a female stripper, how would you have felt? Would you not have considered that cheating?

beeskipa · 03/07/2023 13:24

If this is true, I'd go and get tested OP.

I'm shocked at the number of people saying they'd not tell your DH. You've put him and yourself at risk of STIs and sucked another guy off. I'm pretty openminded but that's a step too far.

NoPorkies · 03/07/2023 13:24

You will soon be the talk of the town and not in a good way

Crumpleton · 03/07/2023 13:25

You'd find it forgivable if your DH gave a female oral sex right?

Growlybear83 · 03/07/2023 13:25

Balloonhearts · 03/07/2023 13:14

It's not fine. No one is saying it is. But what good comes from telling him? She isn't having an affair, it's ONE event in a lifetime together where she had a few too many and did something, yes, pretty grim and classless, but ultimately harmless. She will never see the guy again and lets face it, she was pissed as a fact so wouldn't recognise him if she did.

I'd not destroy a good marriage for this. Not even in the name of honestly. She'll be eaten up by guilt regardless, why hurt him too?

But how can it possibly be a good marriage of the OP can suck a complete stranger's penis on a night out? Does no-one take their marriage vows seriously any more?

BubziOwl · 03/07/2023 13:26

I freely admit that I always find myself biased towards women when reading threads about relationship issues. But come on now. If a woman posted a thread here saying her husband licked a stripper's fanny for four minutes, would there really be people saying it doesn't count as cheating?!

isthismylifenow · 03/07/2023 13:26

Has he replied yet OP?

Blossomtoes · 03/07/2023 13:27

skippy67 · 03/07/2023 12:18

Your DH doesn't need to know. Say nothing.

This. You were stupid. Let your guilt be your punishment. If you told him it would be for your benefit, not his.

ChorltonWheelie · 03/07/2023 13:29

Oh dear OP, good luck

RedRosette2023 · 03/07/2023 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

alfredborne · 03/07/2023 13:29

I absolutely believe this happened.

I was a bridesmaid and didn't go to the hen weekend for a number of reasons. The hen came back and showed me videos and photos of them doing exactly this to the man that was the "model" in the life drawing class they'd booked.

She told me he had BO and his hygiene in general left a lot to be desired, and (he) was aroused - no surprise considering he was getting a bunch of young women to lick cream off his dick. He apparently tried to arrange to meet up with 1 of the women later that day.

The hen also did this with him. This was a few years ago and I was disgusted then and still am 🤢

FrenchandSaunders · 03/07/2023 13:30

I was at a hen do with butlers in the buff a couple of years ago …. that was bad enough with their spotty arses. I’d have left if someone started noshing them off 😮

randomchap · 03/07/2023 13:32

What reaction are you expecting? Forgiveness?