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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that kids dad wants to move them into gf parents home

125 replies

killwithkindness123 · 03/07/2023 08:00

Our kids are 4 & 5. Was with their dad 20 yrs before he left me last Sept and got a 24 yr old pregnant within 4-5 weeks of walking away. It's all been really difficult on me to say the least, dealing with being a single mum and having my world shattered along with the fact he moved on so suddenly with another woman 14 yrs my junior. Baby is due any day now and he's been asked to move in with her parents when the baby comes... Until this point he moved out of our home into his parents and has had the kids every other weekend there and they have just adapted to this and hearing dad has a new gf and new baby coming.

Their dad is now requesting when he has the kids they need to stay with him at his new gf parents house. I'm obviously not pleased as he's now integrating them into that family as well as the new baby and staying somewhere they've never been before or know. The original agreement was he'd be at his mums with the kids every other weekend (she's lives a stone throw away from the new gfs home) until kids adjusted etc but now he's changed his mind as he obviously doesn't want to be away from this new baby which I can understand but I personally think me and the kids have went through so much change from the moment he walked away that he's now creating another big change yet again we aren't even separated a yr yet! Am I wrong for thinking it's too much? I'm also just really devastated over the whole thing and the breakup of my long term relationship. We were first loves from 17 and obviously I'm finding it hard adjusting to this new life and finding it hard and lonely while watching him live this whole new life and moving on to another relationship immediately while he's ripped my world from under me.

Hes told me a few times of his regrets and we were going to fix things until this new pregnancy was announced. According to him he still very much misses me and the kids and the life he had at home with us... But obviously actions speak louder than words

OP posts:
speluncean · 03/07/2023 08:03

I'm so sorry he did this to you. I can understand you're devastated.

However, as long as there are no safeguarding concerns, you can't stop him doing this.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/07/2023 08:04

As awful as you must feel about it you really cant dictate what he does during his time with the kids. As long as they have a bed and their needs are catered to there is not much you can do.

liveforsummer · 03/07/2023 08:07

It makes sense to stay where their dad is living and their new sibling is. It's a family home they are going to not anywhere unsafe. Will probably be better for them to feel included in the new family rather than kept aside. YABU from the outside although I understand why and would likely feel the same in your shoes initially

Original poster
killwithkindness123 · 03/07/2023 08:13

thankyou... Im not trying to be unreasonable and obviously I understand I've no say in what the kids do when dad has his time with them and I won't step in to stop it. I fully accept this new baby is their sibling etc.. Im not one of these bitter mums who would make life hell for my ex. I've very much went along with everything for him and my children's sake. He's had zero conflict from me in regards to that.

It just doesn't stop it hurting any less or that I think its a lot to happen very suddenly.

OP posts:
Weal · 03/07/2023 08:14

speluncean · 03/07/2023 08:03

I'm so sorry he did this to you. I can understand you're devastated.

However, as long as there are no safeguarding concerns, you can't stop him doing this.

This^
He’s treated you awfully and taken actions that are bound to have caused upset for your children. However what he does with the children and where he cares for them while he has them is really up to him, so long as they are safe.

I think if I were you I’d try to work out a compromise where by their time at his GF house increases slowly. So maybe they pop over for a visit one week, but stay at his parents, next week stay a day there etc etc. so they have time to get used to the place.

You mention it feels like they are integrating into his ‘new family’ sadly I think that is what will happen. If they do is that not better than them NOT integrating into this new life. Will he not be aiming to get his own place soon?

It must be very difficult to be going through this after being with him for so long. I wouldn’t allow him to talk of regrets to you….that hugely unfair and probably BS.

Fiddlesticks82 · 03/07/2023 08:16

What a man child

he moves back with his parents and now
onto his girlfriends parent

does he have no pride? Does he work?

putthatdownsteve · 03/07/2023 08:16

I know it’s really, really hard. I’m so sorry he’s suck a prick.
Stringing you along saying he had regrets. Awful
thing to do.

You do have to let go of everything though. You can’t control where he has the children on his time but it does sting.

AuntMarch · 03/07/2023 08:16

Yanbu for feeling the way you feel and it sounds like you are in fact being very reasonable in how you are dealing with it too. I agree his timing sucks, it would have been better for them to get to know the gf before baby is about to appear!

Fiddlesticks82 · 03/07/2023 08:20

What’s happened to your 2 year old?

veryfluffyfluff · 03/07/2023 08:21

Your kids are getting a sibling. You have so much power now to either help them view this as a positive or a negative. Choose wisely

JulieHoney · 03/07/2023 08:21

I can’t imagine the girlfriend’s parents are terribly impressed that not only is a 38yo man moving into their house but he’s bringing two children from his previous marriage!

Your ex sounds like a dick. I’m sorry he did this to you all.

veryfluffyfluff · 03/07/2023 08:22

Fiddlesticks82 · 03/07/2023 08:16

What a man child

he moves back with his parents and now
onto his girlfriends parent

does he have no pride? Does he work?

I imagine he's getting back on his feet after presumably letting OP have the family home and pay maintenance. Probably needs to save for a deposit on a new place I'd imagine.

Ilovethewild · 03/07/2023 08:23

Op, it must be so very difficult for you and the children.
althouth others are right you can’t dictate where he has them if there are no safeguarding concerns, I would want to know his longer term plans really for the childrens stability.

constant changes are difficult, is he planning on staying with gfs parents long term? Or just for a few weeks/months? Will he not see his parents?

he will find it hard to spend quality time with a baby and 2 young children who are unsettled, don’t have their things there? Is there space for them? Beds?
what sort of time does he have for contact?

certainly the children may enjoy time at grandparents house so removal may be hard, esp to stay with strangers?

slowly introduce a change,

are you able to co-parent together? Can this be transitioned?
what does gf think/ want? She is heavily pregnant and then will have a new born…

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/07/2023 08:23

Oh my God, those parents are going to be livid when they realise he intends to bring his two children to stay with them as well. The reality of it is that the household will be so busy with the new baby that your children won't be asked to stay very often anyway. I think at your children's age he should be just taking them out for the afternoon. He's got himself into a right mess. You must be devastated.

Toddlerteaplease · 03/07/2023 08:23

Are the GF's parents on bleats with this. They will already have dad and baby living with them. To put two more young children into the mix is a huge ask. Especially as they are not related to them.

Toddlerteaplease · 03/07/2023 08:24

On board!

Grandana · 03/07/2023 08:25

It must be awful, he's treated you so badly but this one is out of your control. Save your energy for other battles. It's not ideal but neither would it be great for your kids to stay with GPs in one house while their half sibling spends all their time in a different house. Realistically when the baby arrives your ex would be dividing his weekends between the two, at best. Better that your children are welcome where the baby is.

Fiddlesticks82 · 03/07/2023 08:26

veryfluffyfluff · 03/07/2023 08:22

I imagine he's getting back on his feet after presumably letting OP have the family home and pay maintenance. Probably needs to save for a deposit on a new place I'd imagine.

Show quote history

Before you leave a family and start a new one - you’re a fuck up if you don’t financially plan. And now he’s moving in to the home of his girlfriend and is probably the same age as her parents

AlfietheSchnauzer · 03/07/2023 08:28

No absolutely not I'd not be happy with that at all, you've no idea who those people are! Posters on here can try bombard you with the whole "He can do what he wants on his time" etc etc but if he had total strangers moving into his home and therefore being around your child, you'd expect to be consulted and to have a say - just as he would expect to be consulted about anyone you move in to your home.

Have you met these people?
Do you know where this so called home is? Is it a safe environment for the kids? Just because they're his GF's parents, doesn't mean they're nice people. Everyone gets old, after all, including abusive nasty bastards, perverts & paedos!

The only reason I'm thinking like that is because my friend's Dad, who I always thought to be a lovely, kind & jolly old man whom everybody around him utterly adored, turned out to be a raging, prolific paedophile.... Obviously I'm NOT saying all older men are to be suspected, of course not. But it's put that concern much further forward in my brain when it comes to situations like this.

Softoprider · 03/07/2023 08:29

OP How on earth were you going to fix things anyway? Were you going to let him have his cake and eat it?

It was depressing enough to read this let alone even think of being in this situation. He has been selfish and cruel to you and I hope in time you will realise you are far better off without him.
One day at a time. Do not allow his mess to interfere with your life now.

speluncean · 03/07/2023 08:30

if he had total strangers moving into his home and therefore being around your child, you'd expect to be consulted and to have a say - just as he would expect to be consulted about anyone you move in to your home.

You can expect this, you can want it - but you've no right to it and if he chooses not to do this you can't do a thing about it.

speluncean · 03/07/2023 08:33

And of course he's going to integrate them into his new family. That's not a bad thing.

Jongleterre · 03/07/2023 08:36

If the grandparents of his girlfriend are welcoming him and your children that is a good thing for you and your children because if they can open their hearts to embrace your children, it's less worry for you when they are away from home.

But, it's fully understandable that you are experiencing lots of different emotions.

It would be lovely if you could all get along for the sake of the most important people in all of this - the children.

He's gone, he's not your partner any more. Let's hope he and the younger woman make a successful go of things otherwise he could be meeting others and impregnating them which would make the situation worse.

Isthisreasonable · 03/07/2023 08:37

The new baby will be similar to the prospect of getting a puppy - dc will be excited. It may get difficult a bit further down the line if the dc feel they are being sidelined by the focus on the baby. Worth giving some thought to how you tackle them not wanting to go to their dad's once the shine has worn off.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 03/07/2023 08:37

speluncean · 03/07/2023 08:30

if he had total strangers moving into his home and therefore being around your child, you'd expect to be consulted and to have a say - just as he would expect to be consulted about anyone you move in to your home.

You can expect this, you can want it - but you've no right to it and if he chooses not to do this you can't do a thing about it.

I'm not talking about legal rights I'm talking about responsible parenting

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