that kids dad wants to move them into gf parents home

[killwithkindness123]

Our kids are 4 & 5. Was with their dad 20 yrs before he left me last Sept and got a 24 yr old pregnant within 4-5 weeks of walking away. It's all been really difficult on me to say the least, dealing with being a single mum and having my world shattered along with the fact he moved on so suddenly with another woman 14 yrs my junior. Baby is due any day now and he's been asked to move in with her parents when the baby comes... Until this point he moved out of our home into his parents and has had the kids every other weekend there and they have just adapted to this and hearing dad has a new gf and new baby coming.

Their dad is now requesting when he has the kids they need to stay with him at his new gf parents house. I'm obviously not pleased as he's now integrating them into that family as well as the new baby and staying somewhere they've never been before or know. The original agreement was he'd be at his mums with the kids every other weekend (she's lives a stone throw away from the new gfs home) until kids adjusted etc but now he's changed his mind as he obviously doesn't want to be away from this new baby which I can understand but I personally think me and the kids have went through so much change from the moment he walked away that he's now creating another big change yet again we aren't even separated a yr yet! Am I wrong for thinking it's too much? I'm also just really devastated over the whole thing and the breakup of my long term relationship. We were first loves from 17 and obviously I'm finding it hard adjusting to this new life and finding it hard and lonely while watching him live this whole new life and moving on to another relationship immediately while he's ripped my world from under me.

Hes told me a few times of his regrets and we were going to fix things until this new pregnancy was announced. According to him he still very much misses me and the kids and the life he had at home with us... But obviously actions speak louder than words

OP, this is absolutely shit right now but it will get better.
I'm a couple of years further down this track than you and my life is the best it's been for decades.

Your instinct to keep things right for the kids will pay dividends but don't destroy yourself to make things easy for him. Its sounds as though you are the RP and as such you need to take time to be well, physically and mentally to give the DC your best. Whatever challenges his new way of living throws up for him, he had the responsibility of fatherhood when he chose to move on and he has to live up to it.
Secondly, karma doesn't exist. He's behaved like an absolute dick and if there was any justice he'd be shunned but we know our society just shrugs its shoulders at this type of shittery from men. Don't waste your time hoping or waiting for him to get his just desserts, it'll only hurt you and stop you recovering. Use the time he has the DC to do stuff for you. Its takes a while but when you're fitter/have new friends/new interests and feel better that will raise you in a way that him having a crappy life can't.

What a horrible situation for you OP. I doubt he has a cosy life TBH. Living with the parents full time, with a new baby, at his age would be just awful for most people.

Hi @killwithkindness123 You sound lovely. You have created a beautiful family with your kids that he is no longer part of, that is the consequence of his actions. It’s also very unlikely his new relationship will last, by his own admission they wouldn’t be together if she hadn’t got pregnant and a new baby and living with the new in laws isn’t likely to help. So I think he will come to regret his decision but that isn’t your concern. As everyone else has said, you can’t stop him using the new in laws’ place as his base, however I think it’s fine for you to point out your view is it’s too much change in too short a period to be in the kids’ best interests. Please get set up getting the maximum maintenance from him. You will feel happy again - stay strong, you’re doing great 👍

Gosh what a mess. I’d want to meet her parents (the homeowners) and check they were ok with this and there was somewhere appropriate for them to sleep. Are there other adults there too (her siblings) I can’t imagine they are thrilled she’s pg and living at home and is now wanting to move boyfriend and 2 children in.

They may not be that happy with their new life. It would be a very odd parent (in their 50s?) who wants middle aged cheater cliche Dave and his two infant school kids living in their house. Along with a new newborn. I doubt they want their daughter to be having a baby with a married cheating middle aged man with two kids who lives with his parents. A catch he is not! If your daughter was in a good relationship with a nice chap they would help/encourage them to get their own place.

It seems like they want MACC Dave under their watchful eye and not expecting their daughter to manage a newborn and two infant school kids and maybe move out for the first time in her life after giving birth. With only Dave to rely on.

I doubt it’s a bed of roses in the love nest.

He may appear happy but he knows you aren’t an option so he’s got to at least make the most of his new patch of grass.

Fake it until you make it op. Play uplifting music from your teen years (before him). Exercise daily. Make up (if that’s your thing). Nice clothes. Meditate every day. Read love yourself like your life depends on it.

As shit as it is do t think there's anything you can do. However my question would be what are the sleeping arrangements? Will the kids get their own room?

You are a trouper. How sorry I feel for you.
I'd share concern with the ex about your children leaving the stability of their grandparents while coping with a completely new sibling and home. I would ask whether he could stay with his parents every second visit to indroduce the new arrangment slower and I would state strongly that the kids are always welcome to stay longer with you while their sibling is new.
Your children's comfort is your main issue ... and securing your home legally.

It would be a very odd parent (in their 50s?) who wants middle aged cheater cliche Dave and his two infant school kids living in their house. Along with a new newborn. I doubt they want their daughter to be having a baby with a married cheating middle aged man with two kids who lives with his parents.

This so much. I have a 24 year old and there is no way she is moving a 38 year old man in here. She can stay and the baby can stay but I expect a 38 year old to be able to provide a home for himself. I also don't want his young kids coming and turning my home life upside down. I bet he's not comfortable there at all.

He's hardly responsible nor is she to be pregnant after 4/5 weeks of meeting. BUT as it's happening be prepared for your dc not to be visiting so much.
Tbh I wouldn't tolerate a pregnant dd, her waste of space dp moving in AND his dc too.
Pregnant dd yes, but not him.

It’s a very different proposition to kids seeing dad at grandmas. They know that house and are welcome there.
Logistically how will it work eg if they are all in one room with new baby.
In all likelihood it will all go wrong and he’ll soon be back at his mums.
Seeing your update and how you vaguely know the parents I’d try and keep communication open and stress you just want what is best for children. If it’s not working I’d want them to let you know.

I would want more information - do the DC get their own room away from their DF and his gf and the baby?

Maybe your ex has just decided this because it's easier for him? Maybe the gf's parents do not know any of this?

My DS and his baby would be welcome here but I wouldn't have a middle aged partner full time and her 2 DC every other weekend. Surely he needs to provide the home?

Just an update as I've ppl asking if the gfs parents know, no they aren't aware yet, he's building up the courage to ask. I'm sure they will, they are decent people but yeah they might not be overly happy about it I suppose but from what I can gather they will do what's needed for the youngest of their children (she's the baby of the house)
I understand they'll be good to my children and don't question that for a second.
I suppose its the hurt and upset in me talking here. It's really upsetting that I've been put through so much within the space of weeks from him leaving and doesn't seem like there's any let up in it. I've yet to go through the new baby being born and a christening and the excitement of the kids.

It's all very much took its toll. I've no idea on the sleeping arrangements either & if i was to reach out to her parents I'd have a mouthful from him if I'm honest.. I used to reach out to his mum at the beginning and was told I was being completely inappropriate contacting the woman who was in my life for 20 yrs and grandmother of my kids!

So to reach out to the gfs (even though there's a family tie in) will not go down well at all from him and most likely her. But yes this has all turned my world upside down and definitely affected my mental health, I've took a real beating with it all. If it was a year or so down the line that different. But we were sorting out our stuff together and planning on getting back together until I heard about her and then the pregnancy. The plan was to have a 3rd baby together right now so the kids are learning all this from another woman and the sibling is coming from another woman. So I'm broken that opportunity has been taking from me. Its an experience I wanted to share with my kids and its hard to know another woman has been playing step mum to my kids from the get go when he left, they were introduced very soon. Don't get me wrong the kids like her, I'm happy my children are adapting but it definitely is very hard on me. He's broken me like.

On another thread OP… you say your have 3 children with him!! So I’m bloody confused

I’d go along with this arrangement for now-tbh, I doubt it’ll last and your children may be spending the weekend at their grandparents’ house again before long.

Instead, I’d focus on seeing a solicitor and starting the divorce process. You and your children deserve a secure future so leave your ex behind. He’s in a messy situation that could get messier.

killwithkindness123 · 26/06/2023 00:18
Long story short.. Ive 3 kids with a man I spent 20 yrs of my life with

🤔

I wouldn’t assume they’ll say yes it sounds like he’s getting well ahead of himself.
I get she’s their daughter and they want to help her but letting a 38 yr old bloke and his 2 school aged children move in is a huge stretch. They can be supportive to her without him moving in.
Money wise (benefits) she may be much better off as a single mum living with her parents rather than living as a couple with him - he’s clearly not in a great position financially to support her.
I wouldn’t be letting him move in if it was my dc as I’d not see relationship lasting. Being supportive doesn’t mean doing what dc wants.

Op’s do change details like number and sex of kids to avoid being identified.

🙄 OP's often change identifying details.

So you're related to the other woman too?

God what a mess. But he will live to regret his decision don't you worry about that.

I'm sure he just wanted some no strings sex and now he's going to be saddled with another child by a woman he barely knows. It'll all go tits up......hold onto that thought.

I can’t believe he’s knocked up a young woman you’re related to. What a fucking mess.

He’s completely broken you, you said he was emotionally abusive, he’s manipulating you now, and he’s breaking you all over again.

Utter cunt.

@Fiddlesticks82 I'm aware I wrote 3 in a previous thread. When I wrote it I was kinda worried about the thread being found by either of them as ex knows I used mumsnet. So I thought by saying 3 it threw me out of the mix if he read thread. But I couldn't give a toss now if he dud find it. He wouldn't be impressed about me writing on here that's all. So thanks for pointing it out fiddlesticks I'm not sure what the big deal is. Truth is its 2 kids not that I'm sure it matters if I've 1, 2 3, or 60 kids to him. I'm still left in a awful situation. So apologies for that and being misleading in a orevious thread. But that's my explanation

Your update made me smile OP
Hes not asked permission from the grown ups yet😂

He is a loser, what a catch for their daughter, a 38yr old man baby and his 2 kids for them to look after as well as their daughter and a newborn.
I'm inclined to think they will say no.
Was he an active parent?

Yes as others will see thanks to fiddlesticks and my previous threads there was emotional abuse going on, in my opinion, but to be honest the man has convinced me otherwise so yes thats a whole other matter that I didn't want to mention on this thread because I'm very much having conflicting thoughts on that. I did do things to make him doubt me I suppose, I did think it was best to hide things to avoid arguments, conflict, walking on eggshells, accusations. He says I made him paranoid and I think perhaps I did, but there was a few other things going on as well (taking his insecurities out of the equation) that made me feel there was emotional abuse.. But because I've allowed him to put his side of things across to me and he's point blank said this is all my own fault. I've come to believe that! There's 2 sides to every story in my opinion and I've heard him out and yes I've definitely accepted the blame. I feel if I had of done this or that differently I wouldn't be in the position I'm in.

Although he has managed to say I as good as pushed him to this girl and the relationship and the baby resulted in me basically being a cunt. And in fairness I did confide in a person who then aired everything so I no longer confide in anybody in confidence. According to him I've made him out to be a jealous prick, but that is unfortunately what I was dealing with but again he's said I done that to him. The new gf doesn't make him question things and he fully trusts her etc. I was told men and women can't be friends let just say... But he openly tells me she has lots of male friends and it causes no issues between them. I didnt have any male friends but, I just spoke friendly to people or an ex maybe once or twice by just saying hello in the supermarket and it caused a lot of arguments... But again didnt have male friends, I actually didn't have any friends as I isolated myself a lot throughout the yrs we were together again to make him feel more secure. I felt the more contact I had outside the relationship the more shit it seemed to cause so I pulled myself away because of certain comments etc. The man never told me I couldn't do this or that but I was made feel uncomfortable. I learned what was acceptable and what would cause issues. So I'm very unsure if it was abusive or not because as I said I made these changes, I wasn't TOLD but I knew if that makes any sense. Therefore I'm definitely in 2 minds about it all and again with how the blame has been laid at my feet and what he's said I'm definitely questioning myself and thinking I was the problem. He's said I was the problem

You were not the problem.

And the best bit is you will never be in this position again. You can have as many make friends as you like.