that kids dad wants to move them into gf parents home

[killwithkindness123]

Our kids are 4 & 5. Was with their dad 20 yrs before he left me last Sept and got a 24 yr old pregnant within 4-5 weeks of walking away. It's all been really difficult on me to say the least, dealing with being a single mum and having my world shattered along with the fact he moved on so suddenly with another woman 14 yrs my junior. Baby is due any day now and he's been asked to move in with her parents when the baby comes... Until this point he moved out of our home into his parents and has had the kids every other weekend there and they have just adapted to this and hearing dad has a new gf and new baby coming.

Their dad is now requesting when he has the kids they need to stay with him at his new gf parents house. I'm obviously not pleased as he's now integrating them into that family as well as the new baby and staying somewhere they've never been before or know. The original agreement was he'd be at his mums with the kids every other weekend (she's lives a stone throw away from the new gfs home) until kids adjusted etc but now he's changed his mind as he obviously doesn't want to be away from this new baby which I can understand but I personally think me and the kids have went through so much change from the moment he walked away that he's now creating another big change yet again we aren't even separated a yr yet! Am I wrong for thinking it's too much? I'm also just really devastated over the whole thing and the breakup of my long term relationship. We were first loves from 17 and obviously I'm finding it hard adjusting to this new life and finding it hard and lonely while watching him live this whole new life and moving on to another relationship immediately while he's ripped my world from under me.

Hes told me a few times of his regrets and we were going to fix things until this new pregnancy was announced. According to him he still very much misses me and the kids and the life he had at home with us... But obviously actions speak louder than words

Ah, I missed that @Name99. That’s positive news!

He might talk about her like she's perfect now, OP, but the shine will wear off. Their relationship has a shaky foundation, so the future is probably not so bright for them.

I dont know why I'm looking at it all through rose tinted glasses and like it's all sunshine and rainbows. Everyone here and the people closest to to me are saying the same thing, it won't last, wait until the honeymoon period wheres off. But look at me, I lasted 20 yrs, I wasn't going anywhere. He set the ball in motion,not me. I dint know I just see the girl maybe being like myself and lasting a very long time in it all, I just keep telling myself she'll not see the version I did. Whether I deserved it not, but I keep saying she'll not see that side to him or the ignorance in him or the side of if he's not comfortable and things not going as he wants them too. What I imagine is that he'll hang on for dear life, give her a better version seeing as he is older and fearful of ending up alone. He always said if God forbid we broke up he'd never be able to deal with being alone. He went straight from me to her without hesitation. From a long term relationship straight into the next. I cant even understand how someone can possibly do that??
There's so much to process and surely you can't just erase someone of 20 yrs, your first love in an instant, I definitely can't. I'm haunted by memories in the house, taking the kids places we went, things we enjoyed doing, shows we watched. All of that. All 20yrs of it! I'm baffled how someone can jump straight from one person to another without processing the loss, the pain or the massive change and the total grief. Maybe I'm just too soft. But I don't understand it. Plus would you not bring baggage from us into the next one?

When you really think about the baggage, OP, there's that he has kids he's got a duty to already, their relationship will have to deal with the changes of a new baby, he hasn't even got them their own home. As a grown man he's going to have to adjust to living with the inlaws, if they even let him. They'll probably not trust him and, in time, she's probably going to be insecure. How could she not be with the foundation of their relationship? He may be insecure as he gets older and feel she might prefer younger men who have more energy. He might cling on, but will she? Have you considered how you will handle it if he comes grovelling back and wants to come back to you? It might not happen but it could happen in a few months, a few years, a decade or more.

Long lasting relationships are not built from shaky foundations. They barely know each other and soon will have all pressures a new baby brings. Plus no home of their own and all the complications of living with her parents.
It sounds like she’s got a decent family. They aren’t going to tolerate him being abusive to her or failing to step up.
I’d anticipate it will all be over by Christmas. Don’t let him come crawling back to you
The freedom program is a good suggestion.

@killwithkindness123

He has got you so twisted up inside yourself with his blame game and pushing everything on you. I'm not saying you've been perfect, but it seems to me that you have been the 'reactor' and not the 'causer'.

I really think it would help you to find a good counselor and pick this all apart. You need to be able to put everything in its 'proper place' in your head and a counselor can give you the tools to do that.

@killwithkindness123 please listen to me. Take everything he tells you about his new relationship with a 25kg bag very large pinch of salt. Of course he's going to tell you how wonderful she is, that she's the complete opposite of you, that everything in the garden is blooming lovely. He wants to get at you. He wants you to suffer. He's controlled you throughout your relationship, he's always put you down, and he's not about to let go of that control. All this is deliberate. So was his talk of missing you, missing what he had with you - it was all to control you and make you think there was still a chance. He loved the idea that he was holding that over you, that you were genuinely thinking you could get back together. Nope, it was all about control to see how long he could keep you dangling.

You've talked about rose coloured glasses. Take them off. See his cruelty, his manipulation and his lies. Feel the weight leave your shoulders. And don't ever again believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

I am glad to hear you are not married OP, but I would go through CMS for maintenance so he can't use that as a form of control. I would do the online calculation as well for how much he pays - on an average wage (26K), he should be giving you at least £65 per week.

I also second counseling or the freedom program - you really have been through domestic abuse. Finally, restrict contact with him. You don't need to hear how lovely/popular/amazing she is. This is hypocritical, I might add, as he trained you never to attract male attention.

I'm currently waiting to do the freedom programme... Does anyone know what happens during it??

Well it looks like I need not worry about anymore contact from him. After speaking my mind and telling him I will not stop what he's going to do in regards to the children staying in the new gfs house but that I'm not pleased and if anything I think morally it's wrong how much change he's put myself and the kids through throughout 9 months...

He wasnt happy with me to say the least and threatened solicitors because he thinks I'm going to pull the kids away from him. Explained to him I never said that and something he knows I'd never try to do on our children. But I may as well have spoke to the wall. Was told to go fuck myself basically and the same conversation of if you hadn't have treated me like shit in the relationship. Told me he'd never be in contact with me again in any shape of form. I do not understand how he's took me saying I'm not happy about this but I can't do anything about it to meaning I'm going to pull the kids away from their dad and not let him see them again.... Im left baffled by it all to be honest

Good on you for telling it how it is. He's probably just upset because you made him face up to the wrongness of his actions and the hurt he's causing. He is trying to justify his actions to himself. I am predicting a world of regret and pain for him once the novelty is off his shiny new situation. It won't take long with a baby imminent and having to shack up with the inlaws.

He wants to make you the unreasonable one. One minute you were taking the kids away and he was getting a solicitor. The next breath he will never contact you again - is he still seeing the kids?

He wants to leave and look like the good guy, seeing his kids while you say you understand and are happy for him. If you act reasonable it doesn’t fit the narrative he has created.

Lots of material on the surviving infidelity website. His behaviour is normal and predictable. Don’t waste any of your time and energy on him, look after yourself.

Make sure you are dressed ready to go out when the kids go to his. 2 kids, a newborn, short term girlfriend and his in-laws under one roof is not what he planned when he started with this woman.

Cheaters have to make it sound rosy in la la land, if not they have burnt their (and their kids) world to the ground for no reason. And that would mean he has to admit he isn’t a good guy but a selfish person who chased ego kibbles.

Glad you’ve signed up for the program.
He has no intention of going to a solicitor re contact - it would take effort and money for a start. He can’t house the children as he has no house, there’s no way he wants them full time. What’s he going to demand I want to see them eow and you say fine.
I suspect he’s setting up to say the cliche my evil ex won’t let me see the kids sob story..then he can play happy families with new girlfriend.
Keep your communications child related. If possible avoid seeing him.
Nothing you did or didn’t do forced him to impregnate a 24 year old. His life choices.

Ah, the Swan song of an abuser
Take no notice of his empty threats, he's realising he is losing control.
I did an online freedom programme through zoom. Met some lovely ladies.
Opened my eyes to what had really been going on

Is he still living with his mum? If you are ok with her I’d just arrange for kids to go over to her at her house at weekend. Less you speak to him the better.

It’s much easier to blame you for everything than accept any responsibility for his actions, OP. What a man child.

Don't waste energy wondering what on earth he’s talking about, get on with your life and let him deal with the mess he’s created. Of course you’ll let him see the children-he’ll have to make all the arrangements though.

a much younger woman, who's absolutely stunning may I add and very liked and popular

She doesn’t seem to have had any qualms about sleeping with a partnered man (I don’t believe he met her after he’d left you), or shown any concern for the partner he dumped and his two small children. So I wonder how popular this charmer really is?

He has destroyed your self-esteem and confidence, OP. Although you love him, you will be better off without a vile man who has treated you disgustingly. One day you will be glad he’s gone. I hope that day comes soon.

This is awful, as someone who has a family member going through this right now and the female has seen light and finally left I am so sorry op. No one ever sees how controlling and manipulative it all is until it's too late.

Please take him to child maintenance and get more support, arsehole can't reduce it when he likes. Give yourself a big warm hug, you are everything and more, you deserve to be happy and it is not your fault he is a toxic piece of shit.

He's lying and it's not all roses, he lives with his young bit on the side who he accidentally got pregnant and now lives with her parents. He's also going to have a newborn, all over again with a partner who has no experience as a new mum, their sex life will bomb and he'll have no sleep for months.

But you are free from this, please start looking after yourself, learning to love yourself. You can be happy again. Just remember he's knee deep in shit right now and panicking for him to project like that.

@Grahambella yes he still sees the kids. From the moment he left he's never ever been stopped from seeing the kids...
Yes absolutely I'm broken by it all and having to co parent and see him while he collects the kids is soul destroying... But the children love him to bits, I could never ever mess with their heads by taking away them seeing their dad. As he has told me many times he walked out on me, not his children!!
But yes 100% seeing the kids. I'd never stop their relationship with their dad and for him either. I'm broken and hurt and jealous (as in he's moving on and I'm stuck and in a pit that I'm a single mum at 37 and trying to think on how ill navigate round a new life alone) but I'm not spiteful or bitter that because he's got this new life I'd let it affect him not seeing the kids.
So to say he's going to a solicitor now is quite mind blowing. He wants it all on paper the date he has his children incase out of spite I refuse to hand them over on days. Again, that's not who I am and I'm upset he's actually making me feel like that, that in his head I'm capable of that. I'm definitely the enemy in his head yet I've bent over backwards for him and have been quite accomdating given the circumstances... But he thinks he's the victim here, no doubt about it

But he thinks he's the victim here, no doubt about it.

It’s convenient for him to be the victim as it absolves him of all responsibility. Keep doing what’s best for you and your children, he can keep a record of when he sees them if he wants to (make sure you always text arrangements, don’t make them verbally). He can also pay for a solicitor if he wants to…which is unlikely once he realizes what it’ll cost.

I almost can’t bear reading your posts, OP. You’re so broken by him. He’s completely done a number on you. You currently believe all the abusive shit from the narrative he’s fed you, to make himself look good.

He’ll be running you down to anyone that will listen to him.

I hope one day you see this was ALL HIM, not you, and find the strength to laugh on his face and tell him to fuck off.

He’s a complete cunt. Truly.

I truly believe anyone hearing tale would have utmost sympathy for Op.
I’d be appalled if he was my family member or colleague.
Couples split but he’s barely out the door from a long term relationship and he’s got a young woman (who is a relative of Op) pregnant.
Op’s left caring for two little children while he swans around town with his gf.
In a few months you’ll feel so much better Op and see him for what he is.
No decent person behaves as he has.
Best wishes.

@Dixiechickonhols thankyou for the best wishes....

I hope everyone is right that at some point I'll get out of this pit and find something positive out of everything I'm going through...
I'm dreading this next part to be honest, this baby is due any day now and I know its all going to kill me. All I can hope is that I can soon find light at the end of this very long, dark tunnel. I hope the other girl eventually sees what I had to deal with that I know I wasn't the problem, well all of it anyway. I'm not claiming to be a Saint, no one is... But he's took zero accountability for anything and doesn't think he was abusive in any manner... Ive pointed stuff out and he doesn't see it, the blame is just turned on me in different ways. Even the time he tried to pretend he was signing up to dating site because I refused sex one night... I said do u not think that was wrong, he said no I don't regret that, I was hurting and wanted u to hurt too. Thought it would make you realise, says I do not regret that and sure I didn't sign up anyway, I just googled a dating site and screenshot it and sent to u. That's all it was.... you made me feel like shit, if I'd have been more up for it that wouldn't have happened... So that's just one incident alone I've pointed out and he doesn't think what he done was wrong, I was to blame for him resorting to that... like I feel like I'm going insane. He's an excuse for everything that happened that all leads to it being my fault. And the fact he has this new pregnant gf is my karma as well for treating him like shit while we were together. It's down right hurtful to know the man you love just hates you that much and I'm an enemy. After 20 yrs... Its really heartbreaking, all of it that I've spent 2 decades with this man and give him my all to be told I deserve this and then at other times its I still love you, we can't give up on hope after all the yrs and history we have together and having the 2 kids together... He flips and changes all the time. I'm just mind baffled by all of it.

And I just want to say a big thankyou to everyone who has took time to respond to me and trying to help me see this situation for what it is

I promise you @killwithkindness123 you will come out of the other end of this.
It doesn't feel like it right now but you will.
You're going to flourish when the dust settles and he is set for a pretty miserable time.

I can't think of anything worse than living with my inlaws with a newborn baby he is an absolute disgrace. An abusive, deluded, immature lover with no morals or self awareness.

@killwithkindness123

Please, please, please stop talking to him about the past and his behaviour. You will NEVER make him see your side of the situation and he will NEVER admit that he was in any way at fault for your break up. It's hurting you far more than it's 'helping' him. Save your breath to cool your porridge. And if he brings shit up, hang up the phone or just say "Listen, you said for me not to discuss the past, so that goes for you too".

So he said he'd 'never be in contact with you again', eh? Well wouldn't that be a blessing!! Take him at his word and DO NOT contact him, not even about seeing the children. If he wants to see the DC let him make the first move. And if he wants to 'formalize' the child access, all well and good. Just remember that you don't have to sit back and just wait to see what he 'decides'. That may have been the way it was in the past, but it doesn't have to be that way now. Spend some time thinking about what YOU would be happy with long term, because you have a right to submit your choice too. If you haven't seen a solicitor, now may be a good time to see one if you truly think he's going down the 'legal road'. And I'm not telling you to 'get nasty' but now is not the time to 'play nice'. Stick up for yourself and what you want, for yourself and DC.

As far as the new baby, I know it will be hard but try to remind yourself a newborn is not a bed of roses. And that he will be dealing with a crying newborn waking at night, changing nappies, cleaning spit up off clothing, and all the disruptions and mess a new baby brings. AND the fact that (TMI) his gf is going to be emotional, exhausted, and 'out of bounds' for sex. I doubt very much that he's going to be Mr Joyful at all that. You, on the other hand, will be living in a peaceful home and getting a good night's sleep. So although you may shed some tears, please remember to take your 'little happinesses' where you can.

I hope you can look back one day and see yourself as better off OP. That stunt with the dating site is abusive and ridiculous. You're allowed to say no to sex sometimes! Please take care of your own needs. With the baby due any day, you don't need to take the kids to meet this baby. Let him take care of it. Save yourself from as much pain as you can.