that kids dad wants to move them into gf parents home

[killwithkindness123]

Our kids are 4 & 5. Was with their dad 20 yrs before he left me last Sept and got a 24 yr old pregnant within 4-5 weeks of walking away. It's all been really difficult on me to say the least, dealing with being a single mum and having my world shattered along with the fact he moved on so suddenly with another woman 14 yrs my junior. Baby is due any day now and he's been asked to move in with her parents when the baby comes... Until this point he moved out of our home into his parents and has had the kids every other weekend there and they have just adapted to this and hearing dad has a new gf and new baby coming.

Their dad is now requesting when he has the kids they need to stay with him at his new gf parents house. I'm obviously not pleased as he's now integrating them into that family as well as the new baby and staying somewhere they've never been before or know. The original agreement was he'd be at his mums with the kids every other weekend (she's lives a stone throw away from the new gfs home) until kids adjusted etc but now he's changed his mind as he obviously doesn't want to be away from this new baby which I can understand but I personally think me and the kids have went through so much change from the moment he walked away that he's now creating another big change yet again we aren't even separated a yr yet! Am I wrong for thinking it's too much? I'm also just really devastated over the whole thing and the breakup of my long term relationship. We were first loves from 17 and obviously I'm finding it hard adjusting to this new life and finding it hard and lonely while watching him live this whole new life and moving on to another relationship immediately while he's ripped my world from under me.

Hes told me a few times of his regrets and we were going to fix things until this new pregnancy was announced. According to him he still very much misses me and the kids and the life he had at home with us... But obviously actions speak louder than words

In fairness yes he was to a fair degree...
He does love the kids and they do love him (which is the very reason im not fighting anything in regards to them all seeing in other). I cant really say anything bad there, now as mum I do feel a lot was left on my shoulders, in fact most stuff but no he definitely loves the kids, without a doubt. I'd say but now that he just has them every other weekend he's behaving as a Disney dad and on his best behaviour in front of her. Whereas here the kids would have witnessed him giving off to me when I'd upset him, the tension in the house etc but I mean this girl hasn't done anything to warrant that behaviour like I did...I doubtful that she will because I feel like I was the problem he says I'm the problem and she has his full trust and doesn't make him question anything

You've been a victim of years of emotional abuse and coercive control, you've been gaslighted repeatedly you don't know what the truth is
I've just read your old thread, he is a disgrace.
Keep talking to womens aid. Find your anger, it doesn't seem like it now as your hurting but you are free of his controlling mind games, how dare he dictate to you after he has left, how dare he say he doesn't want to lose you.
Your free of this shit
I understand the doubting yourself, my kids dad did this to me, it took me years to find my truth and myself again.
Abusive men like younger women who they have more chance if controlling that's why he's gone for someone younger.

My childhood sweetheart left me with 3 little ones many years ago. i think you are being so dignified and strong for your children and you should be so proud of yourself because I know how much it hurts. I know this won't help right now but it does get better. I hope you have loads of support you sound amazing!

Oh sweetheart none of this is your fault. He's a gaslighting twat. This is what they do to make you doubt yourself.

Even if you had done things he didn't like or approve of there are better ways to deal with it that getting a young woman pregnant.

The problem wasn't you. It never was, you will get to a point where you see this, it might take a while but you will and you will look back and realise him leaving is the biggest gift he could have ever given you. Look at the circumstances he is on now, are these the action of a perfect person, someone with morals?
You need to look up grey rock techniques when you are dealing with the worm who will come crawling back.

There is literally zero chance of me doing this for my daughters. They may well feel the same

@Name99 no I've definitely been made feel like I'm the issue and problem. My self esteem is zero as well. I feel like I became so co dependent on him and the relationship which I suppose is why I feel like I'm really struggling. I put my all into the relationship, I knew I was suffocating a bit with certain things but I don't think I'd have left to be honest. I really did love him. His insecurities really got to me because I definitely didn't want anyone else I wasn't flirting like he says. He was it for me and keeping my family together as I got come from a broken family myself.

Since the breakup I have still had him questioning things. Comments here and there about who I'm becoming friends with, I'm getting a bad name for myself, he does wonder if I've had men to the house etc, I genuinely haven't. Haven't felt like dealing with many ppl at all never mind hooking up with men. I'm not a one nighter woman and I'm still very upset about him that I can't even think about another man/relationship. He thinks I'd do it to punish him, I can't even bring myself to that, I'm just not built like that.
I would say there's still forms of manipulation going on but honestly I'm really questioning everything. I'm well aware there's plenty of ppl who would question him being controlling as well, he doesn't come across as that, he's pretty well liked. There's been the odd time I've had a video call with the kids and prehaps been dressed to meet a friend for a drink etc and he definitely wasn't impressed yet he's in another relationship... Hes happy. I've seen them together they look very happy... So I can't see this girl dealing with the things I did. She's been upfront and honest with him compared to what I done for the last few yrs of the relationship... That I created problems by doing that. I genuinely think I was the issue and this new relationship for him will be much more healthier and happier. I've come to believe I deserve all of this and it's definitely affecting how I feel about myself and my mental health... Unless I ever hear she's starting to get the sane things as I did I think that's the only way I truly believe, ok it wasn't me afterall

I think you need some support becoming free from his control and emotional abuse. Once you are you will most likely realise him leaving was a good thing for you. He is still on his best behaviour with this new woman but im sure his controlling side will come to light as soon as he feels powerful enough to show it. You are well rid of him but he will continue to control you if you allow him to.

I also think maybe I created all this by being a huge walkover to make him realise I loved him, didn't want anyone else, him and my family were all that mattered.
I could list lots of things that during the relationship I thought this isn't right and it's really unfair, in things he said or his reactions but since the breakup and hearing how well him and the other girl are doing I definitely feel like shit and definitely feel I'm the issue. It doesn't help when you have to see them together either. I've avoided looking on social media etc as I'm in a very bad place, I'm trying to avoid as much as I can so I don't make myself worse but I've to hear a lot from the kids and then with how he's describing his new relationship to what he had with me has really made me feel like utter shit. I'm not sure if I'll ever recover. I'm questioning so much in my head I feel like I'm going insane and just feeling really hard done by and seeing him move on and hearing it all is devestating

Honestly I doubt it, this girl is very well respected she has 3 brothers and massive family circle. And as I said he's pointed out that much stuff about me she seems pretty damn perfect to me and a much better woman. I feel like he's moved onto much better put it that way. He may as well have said that to me.... I also can't see him doing it to her, he'll be afraid of her walking away. There's no chance he'll walk away from her like he did here, especially with the new baby. Plus given his age etc I'd say he'll propose very quickly as she very much wants all that. She's smitten with him too it's clear to see. I swear I can't see her dealing with the same because I brought that all out in him

Can you access any counselling op? You are far too hard on yourself.
They are very much in honeymoon stage, under a year together and not living together.
I’m sure in time he’ll be moaning she’s nagging him for not helping with baby, not providing financially etc.
If her parents are decent sort then it’s not a given he’s moving in and no doubt they’ll expect him to face his obligations.
She’s very young. Give it a little time and I bet the shine wears off.

Well she's not that perfect is she?pregnant and living with her parents.
Not ideal is it
And why wouldn't he walk away? he walked away from his other 2 DC.

OP, your self esteem is so low, I want to hug you and tell you how strong you are.
You are well rid of him.
I'm guessing in the 1st year of knowing him he didn't behave like this, his mask will slip eventually. I went through this when my ex moved in with someone else, all happy and loved up on social media. I thought it must have been me but I've got to a point where I don't care, she is welcome to him.
Where are you with the legal side of things with the house, CMS etc

Is moving an option? I don’t mean miles away as he needs to see kids but to another town where everyone doesn’t know your business and it isn’t getting back to him.
He definitely will be being judged for walking out on his partner of 20 yrs and 2 little children and getting a young woman pregnant immediately.
You have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors.

OP a you are making their relationship out to be all hearts and roses- it will be nothing of the sort, just look at the circumstances in black and white and be honest with yourself. You need to very much concentrate on you, THE FREE WOMAN! GF is at the beginning of her sentence with your ex. Honestly you have the world at your feet here. Get on the front foot, sort the divorce, realise how fabulous you are and just love your little ones. They will start acting out when DHs baby is born and will need you for stability. You are doing the right thing by trying to make sure they don’t see conflict between you and you are right to question their whereabouts and welfare when with him. Go and get that bouncy ponytail swishing and shake yourself down! He does not define you, that is all in your very capable hands- just believe it, then crack on girl!!

I know, and he has the cheek to say OP is going to end up with a bad name for herself!
Id guess most people will be laughing at the tragic waster he is.

I also think maybe I created all this by being a huge walkover

Let’s knock that bullshit in the head for a start!

He created this. He is the asshole here.

He chose to destroy a 20 year relationship and smash apart his family - with young children - because he wanted to shag a youngster. There is absolutely no way any of this was caused by you.

He’s the selfish wanker who knocked up a young lass 14 years younger than himself during a fling. He’s the feckless wastrel trying to get the grown ups to let him bring his existing children into their home.

I hope his balls shrivel and drop off. He’s a gaslighting shitheel and you are worth a million of him.

When you hit your angry stage, come back and we’ll all cheerlead for you.

Yep, find your anger OP

To people thinking we ate married. No we aren't married. He proposed 2 yrs into the relationship I was 19 at that point. I said yes, but said wasn't ready for a wedding etc until later in 20s.
We never did marry but.. He then told only a week ago he couldn't marry me as much as he loved me and really wanted to marry me I'd put him through too much, he couldn't believe me etc I cried my eyes out. He just couldn't see that I didn't want anyone else. I spent 20yrs with him, I was in it for the long haul so I definitely wasn't looking elsewhere. I just really felt sometimes it was best to avoid telling him "oh I saw such and such and the shop we spoke or said hello"
I used to drive home telling myself this is mad just tell him, you aren't doing anything wrong. But if I did it resulted in something being said or him being annoyed. If I didn't, it avoided conflict unless of course I was found out or slipped up so obviously when he says he couldn't believe me I completely understand... But he fails to understand why I felt the need to do that. I knew it was wrong obviously.

to be honest I'd love to write my story here and just have complete strangers analyse it and give me their gods honest opinion on all the things that took place because honestly I've gaslight myself completely that I can't tell if it was abuse or if it was my fault. Its actually disturbing me so much that I can't tell if I suffered from emotional abuse or not. Womens aid say yes but I just keep telling myself you're only hearing my side, if you heard his you might think differently, like the way I do. I'm just so unsure about it all. He wasn't this way all the time, I had some really beautiful happy moments, we were best friends, other than those moments he'd be insecure about me or make me feel I can't go here or there because I knew he wasn't overly impressed... Its hard to describe. But no, there were a lot of very happy times too I romantise it all a lot. Its those moments I really miss and how I became very dependent on him as other than my sisters I had no one out side the relationship.

Sorry I rambled on, but no we weren't married so no divorce proceedings or settlements. The house is rented but we switched the tenancy into my name. Maintenance wise he pays me £50 every week into my account but not through cms.. It was £80 but he reduced it ages ago.

@JulieHoney thankyou for the comment..
he told me I made him deeply unhappy, he thought I was using sex as a weapon to punish him as I wouldn't put out very often. I was told many men would've went elsewhere (ultimately he did just that)
One night he was that annoyed I didn't put out that he slept downstairs and sent me a screenshot pretending he was going to sign up to a dating site... I did bring this up to him when I was explaining why I thought there was abuse. He told me it was a joke, he done it to upset me and make me think, because he felt ugly and disgusting thinking I didn't want him and how much I destroyed his confidence. Honestly things just became that much. My kids are 1 yr apart. I had postnatal depression after my daughter, I was snowed under rearing 2 babies under 2 and struggling. I didnt go anywhere, or see anyone. I done it alone while he was at work and didn't cope very well. I was up the walls by the time he came home.
So when I got the kids to bed I just wanted to rest, I was shattered. And my body changed so much that I felt like crap, I'd no libido and with the rows and all between us I just wasn't interested. I certainly didn't use it to punish him. He says if anything I was the toxic one. He genuinely doesn't see anything wrong from him. It was all me. He doesn't see my point or view whatsoever.

So he says he didn't walk out on the kids, he walked out on me because I made him feel worthless. So can you see why I'm confused. He's saying that and I'm just thinking omg I destroyed my relationship, the kids having their dad here. I've questioned myself as a woman, a partner, a mother. And the fact he's with a much younger woman, who's absolutely stunning may I add and very liked and popular compared to myself who kept myself to myself and my head down. He left because of me.

He's how old and moving in with his girlfriend's parents!? You were well rid.
Agree with those who say you don't really have cause to complain about anything other than his lack of dignity. I can only imagine how hurt you must feel op. Just be the stable one for them. 💐

You 100% have been suffering domestic abuse OP.
Everything he did he made a choice to do it. You haven't made him do anything. I'm so angry on your behalf.
I did the freedom programme which really helped me, I think you should do it too I had the same thoughts " is it my fault etc"
No none of it was.
Why don't you claim through the CMS, have you done a calculation?

I did bring this up to him when I was explaining why I thought there was abuse. He told me it was a joke

Abusers often claim they were joking, you are lioverreacting or you made them do it. I can't imagine it happens often that they say "yeah you're right, I've been abusive this whole time".

Read your posts back, it should be obvious to you. Be sad for your kids facing so much upheaval in such a short time by all means, but it is only because he's beaten you down so much that you aren't celebrating your own freedom. But you will, in time. Stay strong.

It's definitely not ideal but the only thing you can do is support your children and be positive. Also please stop making time for his regret stories, it will only delay your healing.

Everything he did he made a choice to do it. You haven't made him do anything.

This ^^ @Name99 is absolutely right, he’s chosen to behave this way, he’s an adult in his late 30’s ffs.

I know it’s hard, but please try to distance yourself from this mess and start divorce proceedings. You and your children deserve much more than this.💐

She's lucky that they were never married, the tenancy is now fully in her name.

Your free OP. Free of tiptoeing around him, double guessing about speaking to other men, free from being treated and spoken to like shit.