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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single mother DD, refusing to get a job.

349 replies

LiloAndS · 03/07/2023 00:41

Hello everyone.
My DD is 30 and a mum of two (9yo girl and 4yo boy). My DD fell pregnant with her eldest young, accidently and with her first, long term boyfriend. Unfortunately, he did not step up to the plate and left DD when she was halfway through her pregnancy and has had nothing to do with my granddaughter for her whole life. DD lived with us until granddaughter was around 2, then moved in to her own flat. Shortly after, she met a new guy who seemed lovely, but fell pregnant pretty much straight away. I will say, this was definitely unplanned and a very upsetting time for my daughter. She considered abortion multiple times, to the point where she had a consultation booked twice and had me drive her, but ultimately could not go through with it. New guy turned out to be not so lovely, and also wanted nothing to do with his child. DD was depressed for her whole pregnancy and struggled to bond with the baby inside her. Thankfully, she fell in love as soon as he was born. I want to add, my daughter is a fantastic mother, her whole life revolves around the children, they are happy, clean, well cared for, etc, etc. But the reality is, she has been on benefits all this time. Fast forward to now and her youngest has just been diagnosed with autism. He is only just learning to speak and has some challenging behaviour, I'll admit that. DD has been awarded DLA and carer's money for him. She told me today, work is not on her mind at the moment as her little boy needs her, and she has decided to dedicate the next few years to helping him develop. I just feel so sad for her. She could be going to college, getting a part time job and meeting people. I worry about her future. She has no partner to help or support her. I'm also ashamed to admit, I feel a bit embarrassed when my friend's talk of their high flying children. How can I encourage my DD to want more for herself? She is smart, beautiful, has so much potential in this life. Thanks.

OP posts:
MykonosMaiden · 03/07/2023 08:26

SoupDragon · 03/07/2023 08:20

Depends on whether the thread competition is about who has the least empathy.

Show quote history

Or who is capable of the most nuanced, critical thinking, hmm?
To be honest many posters have given balanced views. Every single person has stated that OP is U to expect her daughter to work with a SN child.

That doesn't mean that financial stability is unimportant, and quite a few posters seem to think that supporting yourself is a choice, not necessity..that's whom @ArcticSkewer is taking the piss out off.

You don't even have to listen to anyone on here. Just look at the loads of threads from struggling women facing financial difficulties in their later years.

MykonosMaiden · 03/07/2023 08:27

*out of

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 03/07/2023 08:28

DD2 is a cleaner during her university holidays. She comes home and tells me that the boss is amazed at how much she cleans and to such a good standard. To me, this is way more important than her academic achievements too.

What is the cleaning more important to you than her academic achievement?

MotherofGorgons · 03/07/2023 08:33

Hibiscrubbed · 03/07/2023 08:01

This thread really shows the desire of Mumsnet To always fun for an OP, whatever the circumstances. She will always be found wrong by the MN collective.

However, if the daughter had posted: “I got pregnant with a waster at 21 who left, and then did it again at 26 with a second loser who fucked off. My son is nearly 4 and has ASD. I live off benefits but my mum wants me to get a job. She’s supportive but works herself in s professional job and can’t help with childcare. AIBU to want to stay on benefits and then maybe get a part time job in a shop or something in the future?”

The Mumsnet collective would be so offended by her poor circumstances she’d have been torn a new one for not wanting to work.

Absolutely agree. I too would have been disappointed in your place, OP. I don't understand all these weird posts about how your DD wants different stuff than you do. She may be frugal-great- but having 2 kids to deadbeat dads and not working is not something I want for my DD. I find it hard to believe other posters want that either.

Having said that, not much you can do about it. She may get back into work later. You will have to sit with your difficult feelings. You have my sympathy.

Hibiscrubbed · 03/07/2023 08:33

Never did I think I’d read this on Mumsnet in response to a young mother who had two children by two absent fathers and who had chosen not to work and to instead live on benefits…

I think it’s an incredible aspiration to do the absolute best for your children in a way that works for them.

😂

Such is the desire to harangue an OP…

MotherofGorgons · 03/07/2023 08:37

If the DD had posted, there would be very different responses.

I love how some posters are saying the OP should provide childcare. She's working. Good thing too.

NeonSoda · 03/07/2023 08:40

happyfoot · 03/07/2023 08:20

She is, which is great. But she is at the mercy of what the government deems to give her, which is not very much. Plenty of threads on here from people struggling to survive on benefits. Also, when her kids reach adulthood, what then?

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Then you get a job! I didn’t get my first career job until 37 and I’m doing fine.

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 03/07/2023 08:40

My DD is 30 and a mum of two (9yo girl and 4yo boy). .... . DD lived with us until granddaughter was around 2, then moved in to her own flat. Shortly after, she met a new guy who seemed lovely, but fell pregnant pretty much straight away

How long was she pregnant for?

ChocBananaSmoothie · 03/07/2023 08:40

cansu · 03/07/2023 07:13

Icedlatteplease
What utter nonsense. I worked full time for many years. I have two dc with asd. They both had a specialist education accessed via tribunal. They had speech therapy and ot. They have had much more than many others. My ability to advocate for them was enhanced by my education. I came across your outdated attitude of course namely that mum's of disabled children should be at home. If I had followed your advice I would have no pension, no career and be facing more poverty when my children had grown up.

If they aren't capable of supporting themselves, it gets harder when they are out of school age. I pick up a pathetic few hours teaching at the local university and even that's stressful, and not what I want to do or aimed for. I'm now training people to do what I want to do but can't. I'm considering just giving up. If I don't provide the care, it's either a group home or them barely leaving the house. At least this way they are active and have a full life. I'm working to reclaim a little of my own things but it's hard. School age is easy. There are so many supports and places they can go to do things. Now it's all down to me.

ChocBananaSmoothie · 03/07/2023 08:42

TheGreenSketch · 03/07/2023 07:34

I guess I’d be disappointed too if my daughter got pregnant twice with useless men who immediately went missing in action. I’d be sad that she’s so vulnerable and reliant on benefits to live.

That's obviously not an ideal any of us want for our children but the kids are here now, so it is what it is.

NeonSoda · 03/07/2023 08:43

MotherofGorgons · 03/07/2023 08:33

Absolutely agree. I too would have been disappointed in your place, OP. I don't understand all these weird posts about how your DD wants different stuff than you do. She may be frugal-great- but having 2 kids to deadbeat dads and not working is not something I want for my DD. I find it hard to believe other posters want that either.

Having said that, not much you can do about it. She may get back into work later. You will have to sit with your difficult feelings. You have my sympathy.

Show quote history

So… should she go back and unhave her children, should she convince the men to take her back, or should she concentrate on bringing up her children in the way that best works for them as a family?

We all get dealt hands that we didn’t expect in life. It’s how you deal with it that makes the difference.

MotherofGorgons · 03/07/2023 08:49

Personally I would have had an abortion. We may get hands we don't expect but twice?

At the very least, I would expect my DD not to blame me for working and keeping a roof over her head. WTF the posters blaming OP for working. Such bloody low expectations.

OP's income may well be needed in the future, regardless of all this kindness and love runs the world spiel you see on MN. SN kids are expensive.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/07/2023 08:52

Clearly she can't work when she has a disabled son that can only attend half days in nursery.

However I would be concerned by her ambition to 'meet someone and settle down'. She has accidentally got pregnant very early on into two relationships with shit people. Of course this can happen to anyone but some people do have insecurities and vulnerabilities that shit men like to prey on. The last thing she needs is this to happen again. Do you think she has any self esteem issues?

MykonosMaiden · 03/07/2023 08:54

MotherofGorgons · 03/07/2023 08:49

Personally I would have had an abortion. We may get hands we don't expect but twice?

At the very least, I would expect my DD not to blame me for working and keeping a roof over her head. WTF the posters blaming OP for working. Such bloody low expectations.

OP's income may well be needed in the future, regardless of all this kindness and love runs the world spiel you see on MN. SN kids are expensive.

Yeah , she can turn down an expensive dinner out but will she turn down help for her son? Probably not.
Or even her daughter.

MotherofGorgons · 03/07/2023 08:55

Yeah I missed her "ambition to meet someone and settle down" She needs a job before then. Otherwise she will repeat the pattern. If I were you I would at least encourage her to do some online learning.

Beezknees · 03/07/2023 08:55

SybilWrites · 03/07/2023 06:47

@Handholdplease85 no one is paid by the state to stay at home for 5 years with a small child. Benefit rules mean you need to start working when your child is 3 (in the absence of disability) . So I don't know in which country or which benefit regime the OPs daughter is apparently living.

They do now but they didn't used to under tax credits. 9 years ago Universal Credit didn't really exist, so OP would have started claiming under the tax credit system. The rules were different then.

Beezknees · 03/07/2023 08:56

OP's daughter I meant.

ItsBarbieBitchhhh · 03/07/2023 08:57

EL8888 · 03/07/2023 05:17

She hasn’t worked for 9 years?! But her sons only 4? Im surprised she’s been allowed to get away with this -l thought your child got to a certain age and you were made to look for work? I can see why you’re concerned OP, by the sounds of it she’s either never worked or not for any length of time and she’s 30. I appreciate her son has additional needs so requires more support. But it seems like this was a pattern before that

She also has a 9 year old daughter…..

BubziOwl · 03/07/2023 09:02

PimpMyFridge · 03/07/2023 07:07

Your DD sounds amazing op, not only coping well with the circumstances she was left with after being very badly let down by 2 people she presumably loved and trusted but happy with that. She could be eaten up with discontent and resentment but she's not she's giving the two most important people in her life an amazing stable loving home.

I bet she does know how you feel, those questions like 'why don't you get a qualification and do something else' asked again despite the answer, give it away.
You've never said to her (judging by your posts) the above question added with '... If you'd like to do that and need help - that lets face it isn't easily available - I'll help with (the greatest thing standing in her way of that) the children'

Despite the fact as you said, you and your DH are both professionals, no other children, so presumably could afford to step back if you choose to do so... But you are as completely and firmly wedded to your personal priorities to the exclusion of any other consideration as she is! Because you won't give that up even though you really would like to see her make another choice. She isn't asking you to, but even if she was, the answer would be no wouldn't it, so your work comes before her, every time, no matter what.

The upbringing she had, lacked in important respects in her experience and she is determined (very driven and committed 💪) not to do that to the two people she has created... A commendable attitude. She is committed to her priorities and that commitment is in part so strong because of the experiences she had that you gave her. She told you she isn't repeating that and putting her children what she went through.
(Her upbringing might have been fine for some children but it wasn't fine for her).

So actually though you are riddled with disappointment in her, and sad to see her wasted potential as you see it, you wouldn't actually bend your life out of shape to make any alternative possible, even though you'd really like to see that happen.

I think you are more bothered about your own social status when these other high flyers are talked about, and anyway, whatever you are bothered about, your career is still the most important thing, so I think you need to let it go, truly, deeply and genuinely find a way to stop thinking 'she's doing a great job but...'

The hard part to getting there is that you deem a high flying career as the pinnacle of a life will lived, so reconciling that with recognising the real worth of other kinds of life is going to be tough for you.

So many children are created and then considered 'in the way' of their parents other wishes for life... Or neglected because parents aren't coping or... The list goes on... How fantastic your DD's children are so beautifully cared for. I hope you give her all the practical support you can to give her a break sometimes.

Perfectly put, I completely agree

Mumofsend · 03/07/2023 09:04

Looking after a disabled child is a job in itself.

My children are 8 and 6. Both are autistic and receive DLA. I'm a single parent. I only returned to work 6 months ago as realistically before then was impossible. I'm still heavily tied to only working part-time. I work 9.30-1.30 M-F, term time only.

My only advice is to keep her foot in the door, even volunteering a couple of hours a week keeps her CV fresh and the social aspect for her as an adult.

Maverickess · 03/07/2023 09:05

I get where you're coming from OP, I'd be disappointed if my DD were in your DD's situation, but mainly because she'd been let down by men who are all too aware that sex has concequences but they're absolutely free of those concequences and can just bugger off and the system we have not just allows it, but encourages it imo.

And societal attitudes that blame the woman every time, and ignore the man's input completely. I've read the full thread and only two posters have mentioned the father's role in all this. Many more talking about the DD being in the wrong for getting pregnant by deadbeats - we need to change the expectations and not allow men to be deadbeats, it shouldn't be an option, women don't get pregnant in a vacuum.

I have worked ft all through my DD's life, in traditionally low paid jobs, and I only had one and she's NT, and that was damned near impossible at times with the support of my DM who provided the gaps in childcare that weren't available to enable me to work ft.
I've always known though, that that has never been good enough for my DM, because ultimately she cares more about what other people think of her, and her parenting of me and how I turned out, than she does what I think and feel of her parenting of me and if I'm actually happy.

From what you've said your DD seems to be making the best of a bad situation, that's a great quality to have. And in reality, her DD and DS need to be looked after, if not by her then by someone else, who needs to be paid. The DSs care would likely be expensive and hard to rely on/come by (I have no personal experience, but from what I see/read generally) and combined with the cost of childcare for her DD too (aren't we always reading how expensive childcare for NT children is?) I would hazard a guess that it's actually cheaper for the tax payer to support her being at home, looking after the children than support childcare for both children in order that she works, just to be performatively working.

And she is only 50% of the equation here, there's another two people who should be involved, but are barely mentioned. That's half the problem.

MotherofGorgons · 03/07/2023 09:07

Nope OP, you don't need to give up your career that you have worked so hard for, and provide free babysitting for her. Don't do that. Put your work first. It may have to pay the bills in the future.
The way parents are supposed to bend their lives out of shape for their DC on MN always surprises me.

EL8888 · 03/07/2023 09:07

Catsmere · 03/07/2023 05:34

She has two kids, her daughter (OP's granddaughter) is nine and son four.

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I know @Catsmere just wondering why she wasn’t working / studying after her daughter was born

EL8888 · 03/07/2023 09:09

ItsBarbieBitchhhh · 03/07/2023 08:57

She also has a 9 year old daughter…..

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@ItsBarbieBitchhhh that’s my exact point. She can’t work because of her sons additional needs. What about her elder daughter?

LivinDaylights · 03/07/2023 09:10

I'd be disappointed too. It's one thing getting pregnant in not ideal circumstances, I'd support my daughter, but it's another not doing anything to put yourself in a better position to provide. What was your daughter doing before she got pregnant? Aged 21 I was final year uni, was your daughter not already in some sort of training? What happened to that? There isn't much you can do if she doesn't want to help herself, there's no point in offering to let her move back in to support her whilst she completes a qualification/trains in something as she's happy to sit on benefits. I understand how you feel, but it's her life.