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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single mother DD, refusing to get a job.

349 replies

LiloAndS · 03/07/2023 00:41

Hello everyone.
My DD is 30 and a mum of two (9yo girl and 4yo boy). My DD fell pregnant with her eldest young, accidently and with her first, long term boyfriend. Unfortunately, he did not step up to the plate and left DD when she was halfway through her pregnancy and has had nothing to do with my granddaughter for her whole life. DD lived with us until granddaughter was around 2, then moved in to her own flat. Shortly after, she met a new guy who seemed lovely, but fell pregnant pretty much straight away. I will say, this was definitely unplanned and a very upsetting time for my daughter. She considered abortion multiple times, to the point where she had a consultation booked twice and had me drive her, but ultimately could not go through with it. New guy turned out to be not so lovely, and also wanted nothing to do with his child. DD was depressed for her whole pregnancy and struggled to bond with the baby inside her. Thankfully, she fell in love as soon as he was born. I want to add, my daughter is a fantastic mother, her whole life revolves around the children, they are happy, clean, well cared for, etc, etc. But the reality is, she has been on benefits all this time. Fast forward to now and her youngest has just been diagnosed with autism. He is only just learning to speak and has some challenging behaviour, I'll admit that. DD has been awarded DLA and carer's money for him. She told me today, work is not on her mind at the moment as her little boy needs her, and she has decided to dedicate the next few years to helping him develop. I just feel so sad for her. She could be going to college, getting a part time job and meeting people. I worry about her future. She has no partner to help or support her. I'm also ashamed to admit, I feel a bit embarrassed when my friend's talk of their high flying children. How can I encourage my DD to want more for herself? She is smart, beautiful, has so much potential in this life. Thanks.

OP posts:
Swrigh1234 · 03/07/2023 07:58

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 03/07/2023 07:54

I bet even if DD had a job, any job , OP would still be embarrassed and disappointed. She compares her to high flying children of friends, not just employed people. She also doesn't think much of getting a part time job in a shop. No matter what she did the target would always be that little bit higher.

Are you be inside OP’s head? Or just making up stuff to make your point.

MykonosMaiden · 03/07/2023 07:59

As an aside the outpouring of 'simple life' sentiment on this thread is hilarious when we have a COL topic, constant moans about how benefits aren't enough and how MN has loads of 'benefits bashing'.
At the same time MN also doesn't like high achieving woman, so it's probably the OP being a professional that's got people's backs up.
Hrmmmmm

theresalwaysguineapigcurry · 03/07/2023 08:00

It could be harder if OP's daughter starts work and really loves it and then has to give it up. The reality is that most ASD kids with challenging behaviour become more difficult to find childcare for as they get older.
I'm a single mum who has worked full time throughout their lives but I have loads of support and if I'm being honest, working is for my wellbeing as I don't find being a mum easy. Your daughter does and clearly gets a lot out of it. So let her be a mum!

The reality for me now as I'm looking at full on school refusal, no support from the LA and limited resources (I.e. not enough to pay for nannies) is that I'm likely going to have to give up my career.
My dd is 8. She has full on autistic burn out from me putting her in afterschool and bfast clubs, holiday clubs which don't have routine etc. I can't do it to her anymore.
When I spoke to the GP they said 'most in your situation will end up leaving employment' that's the reality. Unless you have full time support there's really no contingency plan.

Hibiscrubbed · 03/07/2023 08:01

This thread really shows the desire of Mumsnet To always fun for an OP, whatever the circumstances. She will always be found wrong by the MN collective.

However, if the daughter had posted: “I got pregnant with a waster at 21 who left, and then did it again at 26 with a second loser who fucked off. My son is nearly 4 and has ASD. I live off benefits but my mum wants me to get a job. She’s supportive but works herself in s professional job and can’t help with childcare. AIBU to want to stay on benefits and then maybe get a part time job in a shop or something in the future?”

The Mumsnet collective would be so offended by her poor circumstances she’d have been torn a new one for not wanting to work.

Hibiscrubbed · 03/07/2023 08:02

Gun for an OP*

Swrigh1234 · 03/07/2023 08:04

Hibiscrubbed · 03/07/2023 08:01

This thread really shows the desire of Mumsnet To always fun for an OP, whatever the circumstances. She will always be found wrong by the MN collective.

However, if the daughter had posted: “I got pregnant with a waster at 21 who left, and then did it again at 26 with a second loser who fucked off. My son is nearly 4 and has ASD. I live off benefits but my mum wants me to get a job. She’s supportive but works herself in s professional job and can’t help with childcare. AIBU to want to stay on benefits and then maybe get a part time job in a shop or something in the future?”

The Mumsnet collective would be so offended by her poor circumstances she’d have been torn a new one for not wanting to work.

To be honest, it’s quite sad to see how many women have such low aspirations for themselves. This must rub off on their children, especially their daughters and cycle of dependency and low aspiration continues.

MykonosMaiden · 03/07/2023 08:04

Hibiscrubbed · 03/07/2023 08:01

This thread really shows the desire of Mumsnet To always fun for an OP, whatever the circumstances. She will always be found wrong by the MN collective.

However, if the daughter had posted: “I got pregnant with a waster at 21 who left, and then did it again at 26 with a second loser who fucked off. My son is nearly 4 and has ASD. I live off benefits but my mum wants me to get a job. She’s supportive but works herself in s professional job and can’t help with childcare. AIBU to want to stay on benefits and then maybe get a part time job in a shop or something in the future?”

The Mumsnet collective would be so offended by her poor circumstances she’d have been torn a new one for not wanting to work.

@Hibiscrubbed you've hit the nail on the head!
I feel sorry for the OP. She's been driven away by a load of comments criticising her personally. Now that the more sensible posters have arrived...

Hibiscrubbed · 03/07/2023 08:08

Said ‘OP prejudice’ is also demonstrated on the thread with the woman whose husband packed in his job three years ago without telling the OP and expects her to support the entire family. Their kids are 10 and 12 and he refuses to work. He doesn’t do much at home either, but indulges in his hobbies all day. There’s plenty of posters calling her sexist for not wanting him to be a SAHP (he doesn’t do anything!)

But if a mother had posted saying she’d done what he did (jacked in work without warning) she’d be told to get back into the workforce post haste because her kids were 10 and 12 and because she needed to share the financial load.

On this basis, I don’t think I’d ever post a thread on here again. It’s quite demoralising.

NeonSoda · 03/07/2023 08:11

Swrigh1234 · 03/07/2023 08:04

To be honest, it’s quite sad to see how many women have such low aspirations for themselves. This must rub off on their children, especially their daughters and cycle of dependency and low aspiration continues.

Show quote history

I think it’s an incredible aspiration to do the absolute best for your children in a way that works for them.

Thats a much more noble aspiration than making money for some multi-national corporation.

Imagine if we lived in a world driven by kindness rather than greed…

formulaonecar · 03/07/2023 08:12

thecatsthecats · 03/07/2023 07:45

The smartest thing to do is be happy with a simple life.

Your daughter is a lot smarter than you.

I'd hardly call living on benefits as a single mum a "simple life"- it sounds super stressful and bloody hard work to me....

ArcticSkewer · 03/07/2023 08:12

Such a bunch of hippies living off the efforts of others on this thread. I'm surprised the wifi works so well in the communes some of you must be posting from

giraffetrousers · 03/07/2023 08:12

Hibiscrubbed · 03/07/2023 08:01

This thread really shows the desire of Mumsnet To always fun for an OP, whatever the circumstances. She will always be found wrong by the MN collective.

However, if the daughter had posted: “I got pregnant with a waster at 21 who left, and then did it again at 26 with a second loser who fucked off. My son is nearly 4 and has ASD. I live off benefits but my mum wants me to get a job. She’s supportive but works herself in s professional job and can’t help with childcare. AIBU to want to stay on benefits and then maybe get a part time job in a shop or something in the future?”

The Mumsnet collective would be so offended by her poor circumstances she’d have been torn a new one for not wanting to work.

I agree 100%

MykonosMaiden · 03/07/2023 08:13

NeonSoda · 03/07/2023 08:11

I think it’s an incredible aspiration to do the absolute best for your children in a way that works for them.

Thats a much more noble aspiration than making money for some multi-national corporation.

Imagine if we lived in a world driven by kindness rather than greed…

Show quote history

There's a lot of room in between the two.
Not to mention, you can make money for a corporation AND do your best for the kids. I'm glad to work with so many amazing women demonstrating this and hope to follow their footsteps

MykonosMaiden · 03/07/2023 08:14

ArcticSkewer · 03/07/2023 08:12

Such a bunch of hippies living off the efforts of others on this thread. I'm surprised the wifi works so well in the communes some of you must be posting from

😂 you win the thread

happyfoot · 03/07/2023 08:16

Imagine if we lived in a world driven by kindness rather than greed

Indeed. Unfortunately, kindness wont pay the bills though will it? If I asked my mortgage provider to be kind and allow me to not pay for a few months, I cant imagine they'd say sure, we'll be kind. Its not "greed" to want to be able to provide for your family and give them a decent life fgs. Money in itself isnt evil, its a means to live/survive. It only becomes evil if you make it your God and its all you care about.

NeonSoda · 03/07/2023 08:16

OnlyTheMoonWasWatching · 03/07/2023 07:34

Also, if her DS has at least middle rate mobility then your DD is receiving carers allowance.

It’s an absolute pittance at around £70 a week, but your DD is receiving it because she is a full time carer. You are dismissing this though and feeling “disappointed”‘in her.

Yeah I was going to say this.

My friend split up with his partner and pays her a substantial amount of child benefit. His ex is also the registered cater for their very autistic son.

He’s not absent in their lives, but can only have them a certain amount of hours per week because otherwise she’s no longer their carer, apparently.

She lives in a lovely house that he pays for and doesn’t want for anything. But she can’t work or she would have to pay someone else to be her sons carer and that doesn’t make sense for them.

NeonSoda · 03/07/2023 08:18

happyfoot · 03/07/2023 08:16

Imagine if we lived in a world driven by kindness rather than greed

Indeed. Unfortunately, kindness wont pay the bills though will it? If I asked my mortgage provider to be kind and allow me to not pay for a few months, I cant imagine they'd say sure, we'll be kind. Its not "greed" to want to be able to provide for your family and give them a decent life fgs. Money in itself isnt evil, its a means to live/survive. It only becomes evil if you make it your God and its all you care about.

But she clearly is paying the bills so does it matter?

SoupDragon · 03/07/2023 08:19

I do wonder whether some of the posters criticising the OP's DD have experience of raising an autistic child. An autistic child who is only just learning to speak.

The DD is teaching her autistic child and helping him to maximise his potential.

get your blinkers off!

happyfoot · 03/07/2023 08:20

NeonSoda · 03/07/2023 08:18

But she clearly is paying the bills so does it matter?

Show quote history

She is, which is great. But she is at the mercy of what the government deems to give her, which is not very much. Plenty of threads on here from people struggling to survive on benefits. Also, when her kids reach adulthood, what then?

SoupDragon · 03/07/2023 08:20

MykonosMaiden · 03/07/2023 08:14

😂 you win the thread

Show quote history

Depends on whether the thread competition is about who has the least empathy.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 03/07/2023 08:21

I had the high flying career. Had to give it all up when I became a mum to disabled dd. Tbh I actually feel more fulfilled now, as I was always feeling pressure to perform in my career whereas I can be the best mother I can be on my own terms. Your DD has given you two beautiful children. Be proud of her.

Swrigh1234 · 03/07/2023 08:22

NeonSoda · 03/07/2023 08:11

I think it’s an incredible aspiration to do the absolute best for your children in a way that works for them.

Thats a much more noble aspiration than making money for some multi-national corporation.

Imagine if we lived in a world driven by kindness rather than greed…

Show quote history

Earning a living now counts as greed…apparently. And being funded by others is kindness. The sense of entitlement is astounding.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 03/07/2023 08:22

@Swrigh1234

Nope, not at all. But the language is very telling.

DD refused to get a job. She actually can't work and does have plans for a part time job in the future once her DS is more settled.

OP mentions in her first post she wishes her DD at least had a part time job. Then when she mentions that DD said that's what she plans to do, it's not enough (maybe because it's in a shop?).

Then we have the comparison with the high flying children.

I can keep going.

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 03/07/2023 08:22

Maybe I am pushy, but it all comes from a good place in my heart.

No, it doesn’t. It comes from a place of you thinking you know what’s best and right for others. You don’t.

Saying that is just an excuse you’re using to get away with doing/having done it.

OnlyTheMoonWasWatching · 03/07/2023 08:22

theresalwaysguineapigcurry · 03/07/2023 08:00

It could be harder if OP's daughter starts work and really loves it and then has to give it up. The reality is that most ASD kids with challenging behaviour become more difficult to find childcare for as they get older.
I'm a single mum who has worked full time throughout their lives but I have loads of support and if I'm being honest, working is for my wellbeing as I don't find being a mum easy. Your daughter does and clearly gets a lot out of it. So let her be a mum!

The reality for me now as I'm looking at full on school refusal, no support from the LA and limited resources (I.e. not enough to pay for nannies) is that I'm likely going to have to give up my career.
My dd is 8. She has full on autistic burn out from me putting her in afterschool and bfast clubs, holiday clubs which don't have routine etc. I can't do it to her anymore.
When I spoke to the GP they said 'most in your situation will end up leaving employment' that's the reality. Unless you have full time support there's really no contingency plan.

This is true.

To give you a little bit of hope, my DD burnt out at the same age and I had no choice but to give up work.

A few years in, her mental health has recovered (because she isn’t in school) and she has EOTAS which is funded by LA. It’s been a huge fight to get here (again, it just isn’t possible to work full-time and fight LA too as it’s a full-time job in itself!)

It can be done though if there is isn’t a suitable specialist setting and you fight back hard. It means that I am now able to work, from home, on the days DD is in an all day setting.

So, don’t give up hope long term.x