To wonder why do people do parties with sleepovers but invite some kids to different bits?

[Laughingstock1991]

DD 11 was invited to a party yesterday at a kids house - there were 10 kids & she found out at the party that she was the only one that wasn’t staying on for the sleepover bit so was really upset.

Why do people do this? I think she would have preferred to not be invited to any of it rather than be invited to a bit of it and then go home when everyone else was staying.

Seriously, why do people do that? She’s been so upset. It would have been better if she wasn’t bloody invited to any of it!!

Clearly some people believe just not inviting kids to things is fine and would never make them feel left out or excluded in any way but inviting day 10 to a daytime event and only 4 to a sleepover is really mean and makes the kids at the daytime bit feel like they are B list. I did say in another post I was possibly a bit unfair on my initial response but if you think kids won’t also talk at school/activities about what they have done at a party and the others in their wider group will be unaware it’s happening you are more than likely wrong. Short of inviting everyone to whatever you do to celebrate a birthday some people will always feel left out. Clearly the OP is a different scenario because all but 1 staying much like all but 1 or 2 in the class being invited to something feels like a deliberate attempt to make someone feel left out. In general though I don’t get people having an issue with doing different activities with different kids if you think not inviting some kids at all is fine.

That’s ridiculous to leave one out and have the rest to stay over. I can sort of imagine young girls (or boys as the case may be) being thoughtless enough to do this, but the parents should never have sanctioned it.

Im so sorry your Dd had such a miserable time.

I think it would be less of a problem if it was less than half the group - so more than half going home - but even then it would probably only work if the “main” daytime party was at another venue, so less obvious that some were staying on.

@whatkatydid2013 God you sound exactly like the mum the OP is talking about!!

Gosh, what a roundabout way of looking at things. As ever, MN is a window into another world.

Everyone who we wanted to attend our wedding was invited. To the whole thing. Day and evening.

Yes, I suppose some people technically were ‘excluded’, in that we didn’t invite the entire world to our wedding - just our friends and family.

Also, it is perfectly normal for tweens, teens and, well, people to have groups of friends that they are close to and regularly hang out with. And for just those people to be invited to a party. Of course you’re not always going to invite the whole class, school, or member of every extra-curricula activity your child is involved, or ever said ‘hello’ to…..!

Sorry - meant to quote this post.

I'm with you, I think it's shit to be invited to a bit but not all of it at that age, and the kids doing the sleepover will be excited about a bit you have nothing to do with. It's especially rubbish she was the only one not sleeping over. She leaves and everyone settles in for the night. I've never had the sleepover the same night as the karts because of this. Kids can come over the next night, or the night before, because I know I'd feel like crap knowing I wasn't invited!

If you genuinely see no difference between the two scenarios described I am as I would honestly think nothing of the one I described. I’m yet to meet a parent in real life that thinks it even vaguely inappropriate or unkind to invite many children to daytime/few to overnight activities as part of a kids birthday. Both of mine have been to parties like that where they didn’t stay over and yet had a good time. My eldest had been to ones where she stayed over and they all appeared to be happy. On the off chance there is one of my daughters friends that would be upset I’ll make sure parents know what we have planned and they can choose to just not come at all.

So it’s ok to host 6-10 and send 1 or 2 home? How do you think those children feel when their parents rock up to collect them leaving all the fun and they then have to sit at home quietly while their pals have sleepover japes?

Personally I take it as an epic fail if children leave an event I’ve organised bewildered and in tears - but maybe that’s just me 🙄

Seems Party mum has joined the thread.

If one person is left out then that's not fair. I can understand a party for 10 kids and maybe three or four have a sleepover after it though.

Nope what i said was it’s ok to invite lots (in my example 8-10) to the day and few (in my example 3) to the sleepover. Apparently that is seen by some as exactly the same as inviting 11 and having 10 sleepover, which I don’t agree with 🤷🏼‍♀️

That’s not what’s being discussed though is it 🙄. I still think that’s quite shit parenting though and never did it myself. Any one with an ounce of empathy or emotional intelligence would work that out.

My children have also not left an event bewildered or in tears when they were the daytime only guests in the scenario and nor did any of the others at the day bit. I’ve taken on board some are more sensitive about this kind of thing than mine are so will ensure if we go with that set up of inviting 10ish in day and 3 overnight I let parents know in advance and they have the option of just saying no to whole thing. If you think the answer in my scenario is a sleepover with 10 7 year olds then you can totally do that with your kids but I haven’t the energy/patience to stretch to managing that many overnight. I was responsible for less of them at cub camp and they were older and even that was knackering 😂

Would love to see how “sensitive” you would feel if you were out with 8 friends and they said “we’ve called you a cab” and binned you off while the fun continued…

I would call the mother and say that you’ve see small group sleepovers, but being 1/11 isn’t that - and you’d like to know if the other girls had fallen out with your child. Put her on the spot.

We had a situation where we could not have all party guests on sleepover, so I talked to the group of parents and suggested that we draw names randomly out of a hat to decide - then two people decided they were not up for the sleepover anyway for their own reasons, so it all worked out. I think it's OK not to invite everyone IF it's done in a way that doesn't indicate to people that they are some kind of top-tier/second-tier friend. That's just rude.

The party was the party, the sleepover was a separate event, basically.

It’s not if it’s on the same day - one runs into another and automatically turns the kids not invited into the B list. Just do the sleepover on a different day! And totally horrible to exclude 1 child out of 10. Just awful.

Well the analogy to what I was suggesting I would do for my child‘a birthday would more be more my friend inviting me to a wedding where there are only limited guest rooms at the venue and not offering me one of them so I can’t stay there and get up/join the group in the morning for breakfast but instead have to make my own way home or book something elsewhere. I have encountered that scenario more than once and I think it’s fine. I already said I don’t think the OPs scenario is fine so I don’t know why you are asking me if I’d be ok with the adult version of that?

This ☝️ Your daughter deserves better friends. Best she cuts ties with all of them and find a nicer group of friends. Also by showing your daughter her feelings are valid it means when she is older her future partner will not walk all over her. Hope your daughter is ok xx

This happened to me once in my early teens. I strongly remember the feelings; first I was confused thinking I'd made a mistake not bringing my overnight bag along then hurt and humiliation flooding through me. I tried to front it out but I knew when I left they were all whispering about me "so awks" wasn't an expression then, but the equivalent.

And you remember it all those years later. Frankly any adult that endorses or facilitates that situation is frankly abit of a shit.

Exactly.

This is the thing though, the birthday girl was a newish friend to me. The other girls were a very definite group of six, I was different to them, not so wealthy or pretty and had divorced parents. I was in school with them but not 'in their gang'.

Her mum is actually a lovely woman and I can imagine if my friend said "well there's a girl in school who has moved recently, I really like her and we get the bus home together. I want to invite her but the others don't like her and I'm afraid they will be bitchy to her" that her mum might have said well invite her to the day part so she's not left out. She lives closeby anyway so will be able to walk home.

Myself and birthday girl became very very close, living together and travelling a lot over the years. But I was never accepted into this gang no matter how many years then decades passed by. They had a certain vibe about them; often mistaken as a girl band in the 90s, three of them went onto work in the media with one being a fairly household face now on TV.

The feelings were always the same with every subtle rejection. She would throw a celebration for anything and want her good friends there, I'd arrive looking forward to a catch up with people I hadn't seen for a few years and find myself pushed out for photos or not included in the bottle of champagne or whatever. Subtle but consistent.

I heavily disliked them but kept my feelings to myself as my friend was stuck in the middle. Then I noticed something; two of the other women had a long-term best friend who the rest of them didn't like, including my friend. There was never any reason just "I can't put my finger on it, she's just not one of us, the vibe is always different when she's there".

I told my friend eventually to just meet us separately.

Couldn't agree more. So many adults trying to justify excluding children rather than having a separate sleepover.

What did you say when you collected your daughter?

I think if that’s genuinely the situation (but hard to imagine how that could be) you still shouldn’t only not invite one.