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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why do people do parties with sleepovers but invite some kids to different bits?

164 replies

Laughingstock1991 · 02/07/2023 08:34

DD 11 was invited to a party yesterday at a kids house - there were 10 kids & she found out at the party that she was the only one that wasn’t staying on for the sleepover bit so was really upset.

Why do people do this? I think she would have preferred to not be invited to any of it rather than be invited to a bit of it and then go home when everyone else was staying.

Seriously, why do people do that? She’s been so upset. It would have been better if she wasn’t bloody invited to any of it!!

OP posts:
Clymene · 02/07/2023 08:55

CherryLipgloss · 02/07/2023 08:36

It's mean to have just one child not staying on for the sleepover. But I think it's quite normal to have a big party and then a small number staying for a sleepover afterwards.

I don't think so. It's nothing I've ever come across thankfully. It's rude.

Onelifeonly · 02/07/2023 08:55

As a teacher of this age group, I wouldn't be surprised if birthday girl plus her inner circle ganged up and came up with a story for the parents that OP's dd wasn't allowed to have sleepovers or somesuch.

If lack of space was the real reason, why would she not have explained this in advance to your dd?

Only other explanation is a number of other non sleepover kids couldn't attend, but again, why wouldn't the birthday girl say so. They talk about this kind of thing endlessly at this age.

I wouldn't blame the parents, unless OP knows of a reason her family / daughter may in some way be 'unacceptable ' (different culture, for example).

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2023 08:57

Everyone who finds it odd that only smaller groups are invited to a sleepover after the party must have much greater tolerance than me for hosting kids overnight!

RicStar · 02/07/2023 09:00

Me and all the parents of DD friends would have gone out of their way to make sure this didn't happen, if this friend was the only non sleepover friend who could make the party we would have added her to the sleepover bit. Definitely DD has been to big parties 15+ guests were two or three friends sleepover before or after, but never 10 vs 1 - that is mean.

GlassWall · 02/07/2023 09:00

JunipeJuniper · 02/07/2023 08:48

As a parent there's no way to allow one girl to be left out. What a silly parental decision.

Show quote history

Mn is full of insecure, anxious people who struggle with friendships and see exclusions and slights everywhere. This seems to come up a lot on here with people getting almost hysterical about whole class parties and evening wedding invitations in a way that is about 80% projection.

OP, if your child was upset, point out that the birthday child wanted her there for the party, but presumably didn’t have enough room to have everyone stay over. Nine extra children in the house for the night is a huge sleepover and would tax many households.

InTheMiddleOfIt · 02/07/2023 09:01

That's really shitty of the host child and potentially the hosts parents too. They might have been fed some line by their daughter though.

Do you know the parents? I'd almost be tempted to ask if there was a reason but I'd only do that if I knew them well.

Hope you daughter is ok.

TheaBrandt · 02/07/2023 09:01

Parents raised by wolves?

This happened to Dd year 5. Birthday party then all bar 2 girls invited to the sleepover. The birthday girl spent the afternoon crowing to the two uninvited about how much fun they were going to miss. Dh did the collection when they got back I have never seen him so cross Dd2 (normally calm undramatic type) was in tears. As she said “I would rather not have been invited to any of it mummy”.

This was 5 years ago and I secretly still hate the bitch if a mother involved for doing that.

EnglishRose1320 · 02/07/2023 09:01

@NoSquirrels I don't think anyone is suggesting that you have a large amount for a sleepover. I think you tell your child to pick, large party with everyone with no sleepover or smaller party with just those that are sleeping over.

By the age that a child is old enough to have a sleep over, they are definitely old enough to learn manners and how to be polite to others/manage situations like who to invite etc.....

arlequin · 02/07/2023 09:01

@GlassWall but then you have 5 sleeping over and 6 not. Just having one left out is so mean!

TheaBrandt · 02/07/2023 09:02

Op happy ending as teens Dd is now the most popular girl in school and birthday girl….isn’t. Karma.

Original poster
Laughingstock1991 · 02/07/2023 09:04

To be honest, I just don’t get why they invited her! This whole ‘oh the birthday girl must like her’ doesn’t really wash if it was going to end with DD being the only one getting picked up. She was mortified!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 02/07/2023 09:06

EnglishRose1320 · 02/07/2023 09:01

@NoSquirrels I don't think anyone is suggesting that you have a large amount for a sleepover. I think you tell your child to pick, large party with everyone with no sleepover or smaller party with just those that are sleeping over.

By the age that a child is old enough to have a sleep over, they are definitely old enough to learn manners and how to be polite to others/manage situations like who to invite etc.....

Yeah, I guess we just disagree on this. To me, it’s like hosting a party at a venue - a 50th birthday, say - and offering overnight accommodation afterwards to my best friend and family, whilst other guests I love who’ve travelled might need to get a hotel. Or whatever. The party is the party, the sleepover is the sleepover.

TheaBrandt · 02/07/2023 09:07

Some groups bond by picking on an outsider.

I think it would be ok to have a crowd then have one maybe 2 best friends staying so the majority aren’t staying. But to invite 10 and reject 1 or 2 how can the parent not see that is hurtful?

Weedoormatnomore · 02/07/2023 09:08

Onelifeonly · 02/07/2023 08:55

As a teacher of this age group, I wouldn't be surprised if birthday girl plus her inner circle ganged up and came up with a story for the parents that OP's dd wasn't allowed to have sleepovers or somesuch.

If lack of space was the real reason, why would she not have explained this in advance to your dd?

Only other explanation is a number of other non sleepover kids couldn't attend, but again, why wouldn't the birthday girl say so. They talk about this kind of thing endlessly at this age.

I wouldn't blame the parents, unless OP knows of a reason her family / daughter may in some way be 'unacceptable ' (different culture, for example).

This

crostini · 02/07/2023 09:09

Maybe initially there were more girls who were only invited to the day bit, but they couldn't make it, so it ended up feeling amplified and weird that it was just your daughter going home, when that perhaps wasn't the intention?

If it's not that, it's horrible though.

whodawhodaeho · 02/07/2023 09:09

That’s shirty as she was the only one. Usually it will be 2 or 3 sleepover and 7/8 not because of space.

TheaBrandt · 02/07/2023 09:10

NoSquirrels that’s adults! These are pre teen girls - the sleepover is the main bit. Totally different set up. Have you ever parented girls of this age?

Tiredalwaystired · 02/07/2023 09:11

Another scenario could be that 15 kids were invited and OPs daughter was the only one invited for the day only that came?

We dont know for sure, but it’s possible the child wasn’t singled out and it just looks that way. Just an additional scenario to consider.

gettingoldisshit · 02/07/2023 09:12

It was spiteful of the party girl and her parents to do this! I absolutely would never have allowed my dc to do this to another child.

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2023 09:12

And on the ‘old enough to learn manners and how to be polite/manage social situations’ I agree, but I’ve always told them to say that their parents won’t have more than 2 sleeping over. In that sense, a larger party and then 2 sleeping over is actually nicer for sociability because they get to celebrate with all their friends not just the same 2 best friends every time.

As I say, I wouldn’t leave 1 child out, or any number that was a small minority if the main group was all invited. But 2 to sleepover after a party of 20+ doesn’t make my ‘how rude’ scale.

Dumbphone · 02/07/2023 09:13

Happened to my child (same age) the other day. I talked to him about it before the party, the rest are staying but you’re not - I’m not sure why etc, etc. I said in his position I wouldn’t want to go but it was up to him. He chose to go. When he got home we had a lovely evening together to make up for it.

I felt sad and annoyed, but it wasn’t my decision. I actually think anyone arranging a party in this way is pretty careless and not thinking about children’s needs tbh.

We only have space for four children to stay overnight so we only invite four. That’s it. If we wanted a big party and sleepover at another time, we would do them separately, because it’s not about convenience for me, it’s about making sure all children have a good time.

Original poster
Laughingstock1991 · 02/07/2023 09:13

@Tiredalwaystired possibly. But the parents would have known this so surely they could have squeezed DD in?

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 02/07/2023 09:13

I am shocked at the couple of posters thinking this is OK.

To single out 1 out of 10 is not OK. It is a closet way of bullying.

DarkForces · 02/07/2023 09:15

I do a birthday sleepover with 1/2 kids on a different day to the main party for this reason. Horrible for some to go home and others chatting during the party about the midnight feast 😞

Frogpond · 02/07/2023 09:15

What a bunch of little bitches. Were they nice to DD?