Page 5 | To wonder why do people do parties with sleepovers but invite some kids to different bits?

Laughingstock1991 · 2023-07-02T07:34:35+00:00

DD 11 was invited to a party yesterday at a kids house - there were 10 kids & she found out at the party that she was the only one that wasn’t staying on for the sleepover bit so was really upset. Why do people do this? I think she would have preferred to not be invited to any of it rather than be invited to a bit of it and then go home when everyone else was staying. Seriously, why do people do that? She’s been so upset. It would have been better if she wasn’t bloody invited to any of it!!

Power0n · 02/07/2023 13:01

I'm a mother and I wouldn't allow one child to be left out of the sleepover even if my child was being 'horrid' I just wouldn't support this 'mean girls' behaviour.
It's different if they've invited 10 but only 3 staying for a sleepover. Admittedly my DD was in a situation where she wasn't invited to the after party sleepover and she was hurt as she thought they were close. Sometimes it's down to numbers sometimes it's down to which parents they would allow their child to reciprocate the sleepover at. It's sad to see your child singled out as it also dredges up our own wounds.

Power0n · 02/07/2023 13:03

@RecklessBlackberries framed it beautifully, not defensive but definitely direct. I wish you'd be my spokeswoman! 😆

orchardsquare · 02/07/2023 13:06

I agree with everyone else, though mine were never invited to a party like this and I never did sleepover parties either.
If I was doing one I'd either have a big party and then just one (or maybe two) friends staying over, or a sleepover party where all invited stayed for the whole thing, even if that meant only three or four invited. I found with parties though some parents have no social awareness whatsoever.

Theomummy2 · 02/07/2023 13:08

Is there a reason for it? Does your DD often get homesick etc.

as I had to do this when a similar age, had 6 girls round for my 10th party but 5 slept over, one girl we were really close with but never acknowledged her limits with sleepovers. Would always say yes then my mum and dad had to drive her home at 3am due to being upset.

jolaylasofia · 02/07/2023 15:42

i wouldn't have let my child go at all in that case

RedRobyn2021 · 02/07/2023 18:37

@Laughingstock1991

Let us know if you say anything, I am hoping they have a good reason. Feel so bad for your dd.

TheaBrandt · 03/07/2023 07:20

Maybe I’m petty but that family could fuck off in my mind. They wouldn’t be getting any goodwill / lifts / invites etc from me after that little episode. I would laughingly ensure all my friends knew about it too. Hope it was worth it for them.

johnd2 · 03/07/2023 10:49

Fizbosshoes · 02/07/2023 10:35

If my DD was upset about being singled out, of course I would reassure her and try to cheer her up, but at the same time I would agree that it was a mean thing to do. I wouldn't say oh don't be silly it's no big deal, because excluding one person is likely to hurt their feelings whatever age they are.
If my DD was planning a sleepover and planning to leave one person out, I would be advising her to change her plans and suggest alternative plans that are unlikely to make people feel excluded or singled out.

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Totally agree minimising feelings is quite harmful, ie "oh don't be silly it's no big deal,"

It's not down to the parent to decide how the child should feel or to protect them from difficult feelings.

nancy2022 · 03/07/2023 12:29

Do you know they definitely stopped? Did all 9 kids say to your daughter they would be stopping?

11 is such a difficult ages for girls and their friendships. Definitely send the message someone mentioned earlier.

If it's true. I'd have nothing more to do with that child's parents.

Dd had her 11th bday last month. I said either invite everyone or no one.

TheaBrandt · 03/07/2023 13:25

This would upset an adult! My sister is a super popular professional v undramatic type and this happened to her on a hen weekend organised by a vile other friend of the bride who had always been rather off with my sister. Dsis and one other were told “no room for you on the booking” and the other 12 waltzed off! It’s really not on!! Anyone with half a brain can see that.

The parents are either malicious or thick.

Whattheactualwhatnow · 03/07/2023 13:34

There is NO world in which it’s ok to leave out one child out of 11, cannot understand how anyone is even debating that.

whatkatydid2013 · 03/07/2023 20:01

I think people agree leaving out 1 of 11 is awful but are split on if it’s ok to invite 10 and have 2/3 to stay. I may yet do that as I just don’t have another day near DD birthday to have a separate non sleepover party and I can’t deal with more than 3 of them overnight (not to mention that doing the whole set up with mini tent things, matching PJs/teddies & treat trays for the kids staying over is working out about £35 per child). If DD wanted to ask an extra 4-6 to come during the day for a make your own jewellery and party games afternoon followed by party tea and then send some home and have a movie in PJs and “midnight feast” for the sleepover crowd .

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 20:30

Some people certainly do think it’s OK to A-list and B-list kids’ birthday parties. But I’m certainly not one of them.

As I said upthread, DD is a group of 8, and they’ll all be sleeping over for her birthday next month.

I’m not sure how we’re going to fit them all in, or what they’ll all sleep on, but we’ll figure it out.

We’re not doing tents, teddies and … ‘treat trays’, but then again, she will be 13. I suspect the girls would all rather hang out and make their own fun, than some of them be excluded so that a small number get ‘the stuff’.

Each to their own.

whatkatydid2013 · 03/07/2023 21:19

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 20:30

Some people certainly do think it’s OK to A-list and B-list kids’ birthday parties. But I’m certainly not one of them.

As I said upthread, DD is a group of 8, and they’ll all be sleeping over for her birthday next month.

I’m not sure how we’re going to fit them all in, or what they’ll all sleep on, but we’ll figure it out.

We’re not doing tents, teddies and … ‘treat trays’, but then again, she will be 13. I suspect the girls would all rather hang out and make their own fun, than some of them be excluded so that a small number get ‘the stuff’.

Each to their own.

It must make it super easy if your child only has 8 friends. My 6 (soon to turn 7) year old has dozens so if she does invite more on the day she’s got a C list as well of the ones she won’t invite at all. Presumably I should tell her she can’t have the party she wants and instead rent a hall so we can invite everyone and no one is “B listed”? Or does that just sound a bit stupid 😂

Thepowerhouseofthecell · 03/07/2023 21:32

I understand that girls in yr6 can be nasty but why on earth would any parents facilitate this plan to leave one out?? Horrible.

Kennahevabescut · 03/07/2023 21:43

That is fucking nasty. You just have fewer sleep over so you don't single out one.

When i was a kid this wasnt done, you might have 8 to a party and just have one or 2 sleep over, its all so overkill now having 10 children sleep over.

whatkatydid2013 · 03/07/2023 21:46

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 20:30

Some people certainly do think it’s OK to A-list and B-list kids’ birthday parties. But I’m certainly not one of them.

As I said upthread, DD is a group of 8, and they’ll all be sleeping over for her birthday next month.

I’m not sure how we’re going to fit them all in, or what they’ll all sleep on, but we’ll figure it out.

We’re not doing tents, teddies and … ‘treat trays’, but then again, she will be 13. I suspect the girls would all rather hang out and make their own fun, than some of them be excluded so that a small number get ‘the stuff’.

Each to their own.

Actually my first reply was possibly unfair. In truth I suspect my daughters group of 4, who are besties is the equivalent of your daughters group of 8. She has many other friends but not ones that are also all super close to each other. It will be easier all round at that age to have a small group who are all close to each other than to have her all her close friends, which includes some who barely know one another. It might however be nice for her to still see them all. She has neighbour friends, dance/drama friends, hanging out at school friends (several groups) and family/baby group friends. The group she’s super close to are the ones she went to nursery with since before she turned one and who were in the same mini class together at nursery at end of first lockdown and then have gone through from reception in same class and who she also goes to out of school club and various activates with. We’ve only invited those to stay but we might invite some people from her various activities to come in the day because even though they aren’t all friends of each other they are all her friends and I think they’d all have a nice time together. I’m sure in reality your daughter has other friends than just those 8 but you wouldn’t think it mean to exclude them because they aren’t part of a unit that otherwise do lots together

Stompythedinosaur · 03/07/2023 21:49

Only one girl going home and ten staying over is awful.

But I've done parties with 15 girls doing an activity and just a best friend staying over, and I think that's pretty normal and (I hope) not hugely hurtful.

drpet49 · 03/07/2023 21:52

TheaBrandt · 03/07/2023 07:20

Maybe I’m petty but that family could fuck off in my mind. They wouldn’t be getting any goodwill / lifts / invites etc from me after that little episode. I would laughingly ensure all my friends knew about it too. Hope it was worth it for them.

I would do this too.

Positive41 · 03/07/2023 22:06

whatkatydid2013 · 03/07/2023 21:19

It must make it super easy if your child only has 8 friends. My 6 (soon to turn 7) year old has dozens so if she does invite more on the day she’s got a C list as well of the ones she won’t invite at all. Presumably I should tell her she can’t have the party she wants and instead rent a hall so we can invite everyone and no one is “B listed”? Or does that just sound a bit stupid 😂

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You sound stupid.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 22:17

whatkatydid2013 · 03/07/2023 21:46

Actually my first reply was possibly unfair. In truth I suspect my daughters group of 4, who are besties is the equivalent of your daughters group of 8. She has many other friends but not ones that are also all super close to each other. It will be easier all round at that age to have a small group who are all close to each other than to have her all her close friends, which includes some who barely know one another. It might however be nice for her to still see them all. She has neighbour friends, dance/drama friends, hanging out at school friends (several groups) and family/baby group friends. The group she’s super close to are the ones she went to nursery with since before she turned one and who were in the same mini class together at nursery at end of first lockdown and then have gone through from reception in same class and who she also goes to out of school club and various activates with. We’ve only invited those to stay but we might invite some people from her various activities to come in the day because even though they aren’t all friends of each other they are all her friends and I think they’d all have a nice time together. I’m sure in reality your daughter has other friends than just those 8 but you wouldn’t think it mean to exclude them because they aren’t part of a unit that otherwise do lots together

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Parties for 13YOs are different from parties for 7YOs - we are past the stage of inviting everyone and their dog, and now it’s just the group of good friends who always hang out.

This will no doubt evolve again as DC get older and have actual parties, and the guest list broadens out again.

I would still be loathe to only invite some for a sleepover, but honestly - each to their own.

I would say that it’s probably a good idea to wait until the B-listers have left, before setting up all the sleepover paraphernalia for the A-listers!

DisappearingGirl · 03/07/2023 22:24

That's really horrible. Remember the other parents probably had no idea your DD was left out. But I would not trust the birthday girl's parents again.

I don't think I would say anything to the parents directly. However in your situation I would talk to DD about it and would not be afraid to show how angry I was at them leaving one child out. I would say to DD it was really mean and that some people get a kick out of leaving one person out. I'd say to DD to be wary of the birthday girl in future.

And I'm someone who normally tries to model not making a big deal out of things! But in this case I'd be validating DD's feelings.

DoryWasMenopausal · 03/07/2023 22:25

Agree. Ridiculous!

whatkatydid2013 · 03/07/2023 23:14

CrazyArmadilloLady · 03/07/2023 22:17

Parties for 13YOs are different from parties for 7YOs - we are past the stage of inviting everyone and their dog, and now it’s just the group of good friends who always hang out.

This will no doubt evolve again as DC get older and have actual parties, and the guest list broadens out again.

I would still be loathe to only invite some for a sleepover, but honestly - each to their own.

I would say that it’s probably a good idea to wait until the B-listers have left, before setting up all the sleepover paraphernalia for the A-listers!

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I was never at an age I had only one set of friends who I always hung out with to the exclusion of everyone else. If my kids end up in that situation maybe I’ll feel like they need to behave differently but for now I think the whole concept that doing different things with different people means you are making a value judgement on their worth as people is plain weird. Clearly some people will not be invited however you do things. The idea inviting someone to say an evening do at a wedding excludes them but not inviting them to any of it doesn’t is bizarre to me but that’s effectively what you are suggesting.

Hankunamatata · 03/07/2023 23:18

Imo you invite everyone to sleep over who attends party or you do it another night. No one needs to be made to feel like a second tier friend. I tend to do sleepovers on different weekends to party if it's a large party