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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why do people do parties with sleepovers but invite some kids to different bits?

164 replies

Laughingstock1991 · 02/07/2023 08:34

DD 11 was invited to a party yesterday at a kids house - there were 10 kids & she found out at the party that she was the only one that wasn’t staying on for the sleepover bit so was really upset.

Why do people do this? I think she would have preferred to not be invited to any of it rather than be invited to a bit of it and then go home when everyone else was staying.

Seriously, why do people do that? She’s been so upset. It would have been better if she wasn’t bloody invited to any of it!!

OP posts:
CrazyArmadilloLady · 02/07/2023 09:47

Definitely don’t say anything in the group - you don’t want to mark yourself out to everyone else.

SaltyCrisps · 02/07/2023 09:48

Quitelikeit · 02/07/2023 08:38

If there is only 11 girls in the class but only space for ten to sleep over then someone has to miss out

Realistically, if there's room for 10 then there's room for 11. They'll just be sleeping on the floor (unless the house in question is a mansion with 10 extra beds).

StackBlocks · 02/07/2023 09:49

I had this happen to me when I was about 10 and I still remember it now ☹️ I wouldn’t allow my DC to do something like this, I would sooner say nobody can stay over

SparkyBlue · 02/07/2023 09:49

That was a horrible and nasty thing to happen OP. Can you imagine even as an adult to have something like that happen. Normally I'd be very much in the say nothing and rise above it camp but I'm torn now on this and I think I'd feel like saying something to the parent because this was bullying behaviour and people like that need to be called up on it. Even if it's a case that the girls told the parents that OPs DD wasn't allowed to stay over any normal person would want to know that it had happened and would be furious with their DD.

Fizbosshoes · 02/07/2023 09:50

Agree with PP possibly OK if a small number were staying for a sleepover. Definitely not OK to single out one person. And the space thing is silly, if you could fit 10 you could squeeze in 11 (not that I'd want that many kids staying!) or you do 2 sleepovers on different days.
I can't believe there are people who think it's OK or there are acceptable reasons to secretly make it a sleepover for all except one child.
DD had a sleepover party once and 1 child requested to go home (because they didn't feel comfortable - which was obviously fine) and one parent said their child couldn't stay and they went home....and then changed their mind and came back!

CrazyArmadilloLady · 02/07/2023 09:53

You could maybe message the Mum offline and say something like ‘Thanks for having [DD], she enjoyed herself up until she was ejected! Hope the sleepover went well’.

It’s just a ‘thanks’ message, which you kind of need to send anyway. And obviously if you’re part of the WhatsApp group, she knows you know about the sleepover, so you might as well reference it.

Positive41 · 02/07/2023 09:53

Laughingstock1991 · 02/07/2023 09:34

I feel like saying something in the what’s app group as there have now been a couple of ‘hope you coped with the sleepover’ posts from parents even though it was never mentioned before.

Or I might just leave the group!

Do not do this OP! You will look petty. You have every right to be upset, it was horrible for your daughter. I would feel so angry too and want to vent. But silence is your power. The sleepover is finished and the family are terrible to have allowed this. But keep your dignity and say nothing. Your daughter will be ok.

Willmafrockfit · 02/07/2023 09:55

eitehr have a sleep over party or dont
dont have a party followed by a sleepover for the elite few

or in this case, leave one out! Angry

sevenbyseven · 02/07/2023 10:01

DD once went to a party where some girls were staying for a sleepover afterwards. She wasn't the only child no staying, so it wasn't as unreasonable as the OP's scenario, but she still felt disappointed as the others were chatting excitedly about the sleepover as she (and some others) waited to get collected. I wouldn't do it personally. Just make it two separate events, problem solved 🤷‍♀️

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 02/07/2023 10:05

That is just mean and any people who think it is reasonable on here need to think how they would feel if they were invited to something then ejected as a b list person.

Mugaloaf · 02/07/2023 10:06

Your poor DD. It feels so mean to leave one person out.

Watchthedoormat · 02/07/2023 10:23

I'm not sure all 10 would be staying over.
Very likely they were pretending to all be sleeping over to be mean to your DD.
( The girls pretending will have been promised by Queen B that they can stay the next week or whenever).
In my experience, in a group of girls of this age there always seems to be one who is bottom of the pack- and it's interchangeable. Can change on a daily basis. Unfortunately I think at this party it was your DD.
I find it hard to believe all 10 were sleeping over.

CurlewKate · 02/07/2023 10:25

"If there is only 11 girls in the class but only space for ten to sleep over then someone has to miss out"

Oh come on! They could squeeze one more in!
If one was staying and 10 were going-that's fine. Not the other way round.

johnd2 · 02/07/2023 10:26

Concentrate on helping your daughter with her feelings, not fanning them up by projecting your own feelings into the situation!
What difference does it actually make if one person was picked up or 3? So much drama and reading things into everything!
This reminds me of the thread about the Dutch class birthday helpers, so many people kicking off about it!

There are some things that need a parent kicking off, eg abuse, bullying, and other safeguarding, but party invites drama is strictly in the category of helping your child with their feelings, not adding to them!

RecklessBlackberries · 02/07/2023 10:27

Do you know the parents to ask them? I'd be calling them out for this (privately, not on a group chat). You can frame it as wondering if there was a reason you're unaware of:

"Hi, just wondering if there was a reason Chloe was the only one who wasn't invited to stay over? Is there an issue with the girls that I don't know about?"

Maybe from their response you find there was a mistake/thoughtlessness if other day guests. Or maybe you find out the parents are wankers and can at least know that for future.

Xeren · 02/07/2023 10:29

My DC is still too young for parties & sleepovers but when I was young this never happened.

If there’s only space for 10 kids, then only 10 should be invited instead of inviting more and then kicking them out.

The fact that only 1 child was excluded is particularly mean.

I would try to heap lots of love on my DC and reassure her that’s it not her, but their bad manners and turn down any future invites from them.

I bet they still expected a gift!

turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 02/07/2023 10:31

I am not as reasonable as some on here OP. I think its so bloody awful what happened to your child I would have to say something. The reason I would say something is to show my child that they have every right to be upset after being treated so badly and to show her we do not accept such behaviour. I would show my dd her feelings are more important than being nice. I would call out this behaviour for all to see. Terrible parenting by the party kids mother and the other girls. They are old enough to know better. I too have an 11 yr old girl and some of her friends are total cows aided and abbetted by their parents. Fuck em and their feelings after what they did to your dd, I am so sorry for your girl I really am. I am never one to shy away from stuff like this and I am one of those mothers..one who doesnt play games, one who is straight and honest and one who will not ever allow her own daughter to behave so badly and if they dont like it I care not one jot. My dd would never ever be allowed to behave so badly ..to do this to someone ,well what on earth are these kids going to grow up into.? Have your say,back your daughter and maybe just maybe they will think again before being so awful to someone else. They ougth to be ashamed,kids and parents but sadly they won;t be but it wouldnt stop me telling them exactly what I thought of their bad minded ways.

Fizbosshoes · 02/07/2023 10:35

johnd2 · 02/07/2023 10:26

Concentrate on helping your daughter with her feelings, not fanning them up by projecting your own feelings into the situation!
What difference does it actually make if one person was picked up or 3? So much drama and reading things into everything!
This reminds me of the thread about the Dutch class birthday helpers, so many people kicking off about it!

There are some things that need a parent kicking off, eg abuse, bullying, and other safeguarding, but party invites drama is strictly in the category of helping your child with their feelings, not adding to them!

If my DD was upset about being singled out, of course I would reassure her and try to cheer her up, but at the same time I would agree that it was a mean thing to do. I wouldn't say oh don't be silly it's no big deal, because excluding one person is likely to hurt their feelings whatever age they are.
If my DD was planning a sleepover and planning to leave one person out, I would be advising her to change her plans and suggest alternative plans that are unlikely to make people feel excluded or singled out.

EggInANest · 02/07/2023 10:46

Upsetting for your Dd, but I am not sure ‘people’ do this as a general thing.

Were other children invited for the afternoon only and didn’t come, I wonder?

whatkatydid2013 · 02/07/2023 10:55

Leaving out just one child is pretty mean. I think suggesting it’s the same to have a small number of kids go to party + sleepover and a larger number just party are being a bit silly.
I would never exclude a single child but equally I wouldn’t think twice to having the whole class for something in the day and only a couple of best friends staying over. My daughter has been to
parties where she stayed and ones where she didn’t and she liked both

electriclight · 02/07/2023 11:46

It's so unkind that I do wonder whether there's some sort of misunderstanding or miscommunication here. As a rule, parents don't set out to upset their children's friends. Could your dd ask about it? It seems more acceptable somehow coming from her. Don't flounce from the WhatsApp group yet. You'll feel like a dick after if you've got something wrong.

mondaytosunday · 02/07/2023 12:33

@Quitelikeit how would there be only room for ten? Part of the fun of sleepovers is squishing in.
Yea seems bizarre OP. I've ne et come across this before (though also never seen someone invite that many to a sleepover, 6-8 being the absolute max).

RedRobyn2021 · 02/07/2023 12:38

Feel so sad for your DD, that is so unkind.

I cannot imagine what the parents were thinking?

InTheMiddleOfIt · 02/07/2023 12:54

RecklessBlackberries · 02/07/2023 10:27

Do you know the parents to ask them? I'd be calling them out for this (privately, not on a group chat). You can frame it as wondering if there was a reason you're unaware of:

"Hi, just wondering if there was a reason Chloe was the only one who wasn't invited to stay over? Is there an issue with the girls that I don't know about?"

Maybe from their response you find there was a mistake/thoughtlessness if other day guests. Or maybe you find out the parents are wankers and can at least know that for future.

I'd be tempted to do this too.

Cheerupmaggi · 02/07/2023 12:57

That's so bloody cruel and I am sure it was done to be intentionally cruel too. I had similar when I was 12, it was NYE and we were invited to a friends house. It was all we talked about. Then a few days before the 'friend' said her mum had told her she could only have 5 instead of 6 going so she had to uninvite me. Definitely intentional to be cruel. It was humiliating hearing everyone talking about what fun they all had.
The girl probably told her mum your daughter couldn't stay over for some reason, the mum might have been oblivious.
I think I would comment saying 'glad they all had a good time, daughter is sad to have missed out' or similar.