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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Asking daughter to repay a loan

104 replies

Ladylinnet · 01/07/2023 08:59

3 yeears ago I lent money to my daughter, as the benefit office had made an error on her benefits, so sent a demand letter asking for payment. She was on phone crying. I said yes to lend the money. Got her to sign a promisery note. I didn't say I wanted the repayments at x pounds per month so would be complete in set time. I told her no rush, so when she had money to pay but if not pay less. But I wanted the money back. Money was £2k. She did pay £150 but even though she was asked can she pay money, never did. I did ask again, formally in a letter. But got back, oh I have mental health issues & I've been told people I owe money to cannot force me to repay. I did consult a debt collecting agency who said my daughter needed to come into the real world & realise she owes this money. This has now caused a major rift. She did say she would deduct money off that someone else owes her, but that isn't anything to do with me. She offered 10p a month, so likely to take over a hundred years. Am I being unreasonable.

OP posts:
OhFFS! · 01/07/2023 09:07

She's taking the piss. I'd be fuming. Not at the money as much as the attitude

Ariela · 01/07/2023 10:00

Token Christmas/birthday presents from now on to recoup?
Clause in will to give a % to charity from her share?

Various ways you can recoup.

St0nehenge · 01/07/2023 10:03

10p a month, she is taking the piss alright but I would let it go. To suggest such a low figure indicates that she feels you ought to have footed that bill. Maybe she compares herself with friends with wealthier parents.

Do you really want to lose your daughter over 2k? Obviously, if she ever asks for money again you can give her a flat no.

Maybe in years to come, she will mature and suddenly give you the money.

SquirrelSoShiny · 01/07/2023 10:05

I'm struggling to find the words to say here. It's just really sad your relationship has come to this.

Starlightstarbright2 · 01/07/2023 10:08

Is she not working ?
if not maybe agree to £10 a month . It’s not a lot but she won’t have much spare .

is she actually struggling with mh ?

your relationship seems quite broken considering you contacted a debt agency . That would be a bigger concern to me when struggling with mh

Whattodo112222 · 01/07/2023 10:09

10 p a month. I hope you laughed in her face before giving her a piece of your mind. She's taking the utter piss.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 01/07/2023 10:10

You are not going to get this money back, so you need to chalk it up to experience and let it go. I wouldn't be giving her another single penny for anything though. She has burned that bridge. Tell her you love her and will always support her in any way you can, but not financially again.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 01/07/2023 10:11

What are her financial circumstances now?

Chickenkeev · 01/07/2023 10:13

The way you write about her, the promisary note and the 10p a month suggests a very broken relationship. I would write this off tbh. Not expliclitly, but i wouldn't be expecting it back. But don't give any more to her.

Arightoldcarryabag · 01/07/2023 10:17

Is it worth losing your relationship over?

Legally, you could try to enforce through the small claims court but as repayment terms were not agreed at the time, they may agree with the 10p per month.

This sounds like your daughter values the money more than the relationship with you so I guess you need to decide what it means to you.

Were this me, I would write the money off as a lesson and maintain the relationship but everyone is free to make their own decisions on these things.

EmpressSoleil · 01/07/2023 10:58

I have 2 adult DC’s and I wouldn’t ask, nor would I need, them to sign a “promissory note” if I lent them money, so that suggests to me there were issues in the relationship already. Likewise you consulting a debt collection agency about your own daughter.

Write it off and just don’t lend her any more. Try not to be bitter about it. 2k to your own offspring isn’t worth falling out over. Maybe if she’s living the high life while you’re counting pennies, it might be different but it doesn’t sound like it.

RocketIceLollie · 01/07/2023 11:09

Na you're never going to see that money again. Leave her to face the music with her debt from now on. Just say you can't afford to lend money anymore if she asks again.

HuckingFellHire · 01/07/2023 11:14

How shameful treating your mother this way

Danikm151 · 01/07/2023 11:28

Some people can’t just write £2k off! I don’t know how others can just suggest that.

Your daughter is taking the piss. Go via small claims. Yes she’s family but the fact she’s family should be the reason she pays you back in a reasonable timeframe.

the relationship is already broken down so stick up for yourself.

AuntieMarys · 01/07/2023 11:40

I wouldnt have anything to do with her.

PurpleButterflyWings · 01/07/2023 11:44

@Ladylinnet

Never ever ever lend any money to anybody that you can't comfortably afford to lose ... You know your daughter - you should have known she'd never pay this money back.

You can always ghost her or go no contact for it if you want, or take her to the small claims court, IF you have it in writing that it was a loan.

But hell would freeze over before I went 'no contact' with any of my children, especially over money. Then again I wouldn't be demanding the money back off them either, if I knew they were really struggling and especially if they were on benefits.

I feel sorry for your daughter to be honest.

poetryandwine · 01/07/2023 11:50

This sounds very painful, OP.

You’ve said DD told you she has MH problems. What else can you tell us about the background?

Chickenkeev · 01/07/2023 11:57

Danikm151 · 01/07/2023 11:28

Some people can’t just write £2k off! I don’t know how others can just suggest that.

Your daughter is taking the piss. Go via small claims. Yes she’s family but the fact she’s family should be the reason she pays you back in a reasonable timeframe.

the relationship is already broken down so stick up for yourself.

I'd wager that if you can afford to lend someone 2k you can afford to write it off. PPs aren't saying it flippantly, more being realistic saying don't expect it back (10p a month like, wtaf!)

InSpainTheRain · 01/07/2023 12:05

I can see your point, but no way would I have a rift with either of my DS (now adult) about 2k. Let it go, but lesson learned.

Chickenkeev · 01/07/2023 12:06

An idea OP, but maybe get it written in to your will that this money is deducted from her share? That way, she doesn't get it 'for free' at least? My mum did this with me (albeit a house sale so a much larger sum) but imo it's fair and when the time comes (hopefully way into the future) i'll not be involved.

DeedlessIndeed · 01/07/2023 12:12

Your daughter has acted appallingly OP.

Poor mental health has nothing to do with not being able to pay back a loan, it's an insult to use that as an excuse. Her sense of entitlement is so distasteful.

10p a month is outrageous. Even a genuine offer of £10 or £20 a month and any extra help she could perhaps give you to work it off, with a sincere apology would be palatable. It would show that despite tough conditions she was willing to resolve situation and acknowledged the help you have given her.

Gateappreciation · 01/07/2023 12:12

She’s a cf! 2k is a lot of money.

What’s her circumstances more? Is she working? Even if she isn’t she should be paying at least £50-100 per month to pay it off.

Dustybarn · 01/07/2023 12:16

Your daughter has no respect for you and as pp have pointed out, the relationship seems broken. If it was me and I could get by without receiving repayment, I would not pursue it. I would tell her that the debt is forgiven but since you have suffered hardship because of her actions you will leave your entire estate to charity on your death. Then follow through on that. She’s rather old to have to learn that actions have consequences.

Aprilx · 01/07/2023 12:17

Your daughter should have paid you back. But I am truly stunned that you talk about a promissory note, writing to ask for it back and visiting a debt collection agency. This is surely not real?

Singleandproud · 01/07/2023 12:22

She should absolutely pay you back but never lend money you can't afford to lose.
From the short post you've written her circumnstances don't sound great.
She says she's got MH difficulties
She's borrowing money from / and lending to multiple people.
Someone's advised her she can't be made to pay money back - who was that person, a friend or a professional involved with her? - were they talking about your situation or a loan shark type transaction?
Benefits office made a mistake - did they or was she disorganised and not notify them of a change?

What is her situation now? Has she actually got the means to pay you back? If she's working and going on holiday then getting your money back should be a priority. But if she struggling on minimal UC and struggling to feed herself a different approach needs to be taken.

You obviously don't have to answer any of these question, if it was my DD I'd be looking at rebuilding our relationship and finding out what was really going on. But I guess that depends on your two personalities and what has happened in the past.