Asking daughter to repay a loan

[Ladylinnet]

3 yeears ago I lent money to my daughter, as the benefit office had made an error on her benefits, so sent a demand letter asking for payment. She was on phone crying. I said yes to lend the money. Got her to sign a promisery note. I didn't say I wanted the repayments at x pounds per month so would be complete in set time. I told her no rush, so when she had money to pay but if not pay less. But I wanted the money back. Money was £2k. She did pay £150 but even though she was asked can she pay money, never did. I did ask again, formally in a letter. But got back, oh I have mental health issues & I've been told people I owe money to cannot force me to repay. I did consult a debt collecting agency who said my daughter needed to come into the real world & realise she owes this money. This has now caused a major rift. She did say she would deduct money off that someone else owes her, but that isn't anything to do with me. She offered 10p a month, so likely to take over a hundred years. Am I being unreasonable.

I mean any legal action would probably cost you your 2k so technically you wouldn’t be gaining them back?

10 pence a month?

I'd sit her down and go through her outgoings and incomings with her and make a proper plan.

Exactly @Chickenkeev while 2k isn't nothing to me. I could do a lot (around the house) with that, if I had already given it to my daughter then I would be more concerned about where she was in life (unemployed long term? struggling with mental health? owing money to her mother, her believing somebody else owed her money!) lots more to worry about here, not the 2k.

I also question that the social welfare or whatever it's called in the Uk demanded 2k back all at once. I used to work in the field of social welfare, not in the UK, but a ''natural justice letter'' went out to the person to let them know what the department believed the debt was and how it had arisen. they then had time to agree/disagree/offer up mitigating circumstances/information that might change the department's assessment. When the debt holder's side had been heard, only then was a debt recovery plan agreed and honestly, it is shocking how low the amounts agreed were. 10 euro a week. So I find it hard to believe that the UK benefit system demanded 2k back all at once.

Not sure how you thinking going through the small claims court for a debt evidenced by a promissory note would cost £2k…

That said even with a judgment against her the chances of getting the money back at any reasonable repayment rate are slim. And then there is the damage to your relationship.

Essentially the lesson here is don’t lend money to friends or family that you are not prepared to never see back.

So that from beyond the grave, the mother can send the message ''I never forgave you''. ???

I was mysteriously overpaid 2k ( no clue how) but they are allowing me pay back 5 euro a week. So tbf even though i'm piss poor it's manageable. They've been very accommodating to be fair to them.

Hmm. On the off chance that this is real, because I have serious doubts...

Your relationship with your daughter was already shit if you made her sign a promissary note or considered debt collectors to collect against your own child. I'd probably be seriously pissed off if an adult child refused to repay a loan I had given them, but I would never, ever, have considered promissary notes and debt collectors. To be fair, they wouldn't get a loan ever again either, but that is a different matter. But then I actually like my kids, and it sounds like you didn't much like her even back then.

Regardless of who you loan money to, my parents always gave me very good advice - never loan anyone money that you can't afford to not get back. I do think she's taking the piss and has issues, but equally I can see where she might have got that from.

Sorry this...

oh I have mental health issues & I've been told people I owe money to cannot force me to repay.
Who told her this?
Don't let her use MH issues as a get out card.

She's an adult and old enough to know that's not the way to treat people especially her own mother.

Some people can’t just write £2k off! I don’t know how others can just suggest that

She isn’t getting the money back anytime soon so it’s as good as written off in terms of OPs ability to use it. She’s been offered 10p a month which is as good as saying no. She could take the legal route but you’ve pretty much toasted the relationship forever then.

I think I'd probably chalk this one up to experience, it's not worth destroying a relationship over. Benefit overpayment is a tough one if you don't have the funds to hand back but it's not like she spent it on a holiday.

But I would point out to her that you're very hurt by her absolute lack of respect for your help when she needed it. And Christmas/birthdays would mean a card only for a very long time.

Why would you even give a token gift?

If you cannot afford to lose it, you cannot afford to lend it. Coupled with the fact your daughter was in a very difficult financial situation, it was clear at the start how this would pan out. The money is not coming back. I'm not sure what your financial situations are, if you genuinely need to pursue this money, I sense you may lose your relationship with your daughter.

It's funny isn't it you see some people standing by their kids who've murdered someone but owe your mum £2k youre worse than a serial killer. Seriously though, there must be more to this OP.

I have mental health issues & I've been told people I owe money to cannot force me to repay.

What a terrible attitude, a bank wouldn't take that nonsense from her. Is she looking to play the excuse bingo card?

Your daughter is a piece of work! I would give some serious thought to getting her to sign a promissory note again stating that she will pay you back a reasonable monthly amount £150 or accept legal consequences.

Does she also take advantage of you in other ways?

token Christmas present ? what, like a text message saying "that's 5p reduction on the debt you owe me' - as for the will, she should very explicitly be written out of me, with the reasons why so that she cannot contest the will.

Realistically it’s not worth throwing more money at the situation to try and get it repaid. Write it off, don’t lend money again. A situation where you’re sending formal letters for repayment and consulting debt collectors and she’s flippantly telling you to get lost sounds like you have a really poor relationship. If I could afford 2 k I’d give it to my kids in trouble, if they’d borrowed money they’d expect to pay it back, there’s some back story here!

Really?

Sorry I can't get over the fact that you phoned a debt collection agency on your own daughter.
You are both being extremely unreasonable.

I've not voted because although I'm edging towards YNBU, I'm not sure what kind of financial hole your daughter is in. She's either taking the piss, or she's drowning.

If she's still on benefits, she's already likely to be struggling very hard to keep the lights on and food on the table, especially with the cost of living crisis right now. She'll also be paying for fuel/public transport for job interviews or risk her benefits being stopped, unless she's on PIP.

Instead of threatening letters, have you sat down with your daughter and worked out her finances and a viable repayment plan? If she's offering 10p a month it really sounds as if she's overwhelmed and sinking. If she's depressed or anxious, she may not have been making the best financial decisions anyway, and this debt to you could very well be the last straw.

I'm not suggesting writing off the £2,000. It's a lot of money. But the cliche of never lending more than you can afford to lose applies here. If her choice was between paying you back and eating, what would you want her to do?

Unless we (you) know more about her financial situation, nobody should be judging.

It's the same in the UK. I know of someone who was overpaid housing benefit and the repayment plan was £20/month.

People who are reckless with money almost always seem to need large amounts urgently. Often turns out they're gamblers or using substances. Or living way beyond their means.

IF this is true and I were still in receipt of benefits and having to borrow from others because I was on my arse financially, I cannot imagine my parent consulting a debt collecting agency about me. If you told her you did that, no wonder it's blown up. By all means want and try to get your money back, but calling debt collectors is shocking.

I can't imagine lending making my daughter 2k and making her sign a promisary note in the first place - it's a pretty strong indication that your relationship wasn't very good to begin with, really, and if you try and take her to court over it, you'll likely lose your relationship completely.

So, what's more important? The remainder of the 2k or a relationship with your daughter?

I wouldn't let £2k ruin my relationship with my daughter.

It appears she's struggling with money so if you can afford it write off the loan. Your relationship is so much more important. Definitely don't lend her anymore money though!