Asking daughter to repay a loan

[Ladylinnet]

3 yeears ago I lent money to my daughter, as the benefit office had made an error on her benefits, so sent a demand letter asking for payment. She was on phone crying. I said yes to lend the money. Got her to sign a promisery note. I didn't say I wanted the repayments at x pounds per month so would be complete in set time. I told her no rush, so when she had money to pay but if not pay less. But I wanted the money back. Money was £2k. She did pay £150 but even though she was asked can she pay money, never did. I did ask again, formally in a letter. But got back, oh I have mental health issues & I've been told people I owe money to cannot force me to repay. I did consult a debt collecting agency who said my daughter needed to come into the real world & realise she owes this money. This has now caused a major rift. She did say she would deduct money off that someone else owes her, but that isn't anything to do with me. She offered 10p a month, so likely to take over a hundred years. Am I being unreasonable.

Neither a borrower or lender be.

The money is gone, and it's not coming back. Ideally, she would draw up a budget, formulate a payment plan and repay you fortnightly or monthly; but as she is not working this is unlikely to ever happen. Calling the debt collectors on your own daughter is a bridge too far.

Token mine would be congratulations the x I would have spent on you has now reduced your debt to.....£

Are you panning on leaving anything in your will to her? If so, make a clause that the 2k plus interest at 6%on a rolling up basis is accruing to be paid to a charity of your choice and taken from what she would have received.

Put this in writing and never lend her a penny ever again.

Planning - not panning. Fatfingers.

Why did she need 2K? Did the benefits office owe her that amount?

She was never going to be able to afford to pay that back. Surely you must have realized that when you lent it to her in the first place? Where is she going to get the extra money from when it sounds like she's struggling for money anyway.
I personally think that people should not lend money to others if they cannot afford to lose it. I also think you should only ever lend to the closest family members (and not random friends or second cousins) and again, only if you can afford to lose it. By the time someone is having to borrow money from family and friends they are really struggling and you aren't going to see the money again.

That said, she agreed to pay you back and has managed 150 quid in 3 years but I think playing the "mental health" card is out of order as it's manipulative.
Calling a debt collection agency about your own daughter is well out of order. I can see why that has caused a major rift.

If you pursue this further you will lose your daughter. Or you could let it go and never lend again.

I feel this too.. it's not so much the money it's the principal. Even if I'd write the money off I'd still do a formal process to educate her how in reality taking money you can't pay back will have far more implications which companies.

Go to a solicitor, make a will, cut her out.

Explain to her that you understand she won’t pay the £2k back. She won’t be getting any birthday presents, cards or anything spent on her and she will get nothing in your death.

Then continue the relationship as best you can.

Not necessarily showing that it indicates issues already

when my son , 2 years post graduation, moved rental he needed to find a bigger deposit and rental advance and couldn’t find the extra cash. We lent him cash and wrote an agreement he signed to say he would pay us back at end of time he was in rental and deposit was repaid. We will expect him to pay it then, as he’ll go for a bigger more expensive rental and bigger deposit. He’s now on 6 figure salary package, and we’re retired- so he can afford it and he knows we were helping him with cash flow- he was always going to get the money back anyway form rental deposit, and if he doesn’t that cos he’s a twattish pollock for not taking care to not loose a deposit and I’m not paying price for him and his fault share mates to trash a place. (He doesn’t do this btw)

other son needed to replace car. He’d been working 2 years and earning a decent wage to afford a car loan. Trouble is the idiot hadn’t racked up any credit rating by using anything like a credit card (to pay back in full each month) and with Covid hadn’t got 2 years rental payments for credit rating. Couldn’t get a loan could he 🤦‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️. So we leant him the loan instead. We made it conditional that he pays us each month by Direct debit as he would if he was paying a loan company. And he pays us interest (an amazingly low interest rate now 😉) as we took money from our savings we were earning interest on to supplement our income. He knew that, we were loosing a little of our income from reduced interest earnings. And we are acting as a bank loan for him. The other condition was he got a bloody credit card and used it to get a decent credit rating for next loan he might need🙄🤣

so all sorts of reasons to have written agreements with your kids. Teaches them that bank of mum and dad is now shut (it shut one year post graduation for arch 😉) and that anything we give them is that: a gift. Gifts are given to them for stuff they want but don’t need, or if we decide to help with a need. And we’re pretty generous. They aren’t under any delusion that no matter what they earn and how much or little they’ve got in savings they can merely ask to “borrow” money, expect us to merely pass it over, which they may then think is optional to pay back.

10p, you almost have to admire the cheek if it wasn’t so off putting

You don't sound very supportive tbh

Some wise person once said “Don’t lend money, give it”. That’s always stuck with me since. It really just means accept from the off you may never get it back.

I’d ask why is she loaning money to others (to pay your amount back form what they owe her) if she owes you money. She’s frectively re-lent your money to someone else

many many years ago, I lent money to a boyfriend for a good reason (long forgotten what actual reason was), he wasn’t in rush to pay it back, but gave me bots now and then, and I was ok with it. We then split up. He didn’t pay back at point of split and then when I asked he said he didn’t have enough to pay back. All very well, but 1 month after he and his new girlfriend took off for a two week holiday to an oversea destination - flights weren’t cheap in those days (1980s). I wrote a fairly strongly worded letter (🤣🤷🏼‍♀️snail mail only in those days) to say he must repay my money on return as he clearly had enough money to repay, and if he didn’t now why was he using my money to pay for his holiday when I couldn’t afford a holiday. He sent a string of abusive letters back how I was money grabbing, miserly, and jealous. I had no written loan agreement with him. Never did get my money back.

never again, when you lend money outside written agreements , people don’t prioritise it as a debt and treat the money as theirs. They’ll use, not budget to pay back, put paying back till tomorrow and tomorrow, then forget about it, and then get all hurt and upset when you have the termerity to ask for it back. Then the otherwise good relationship breaks down

yep, some people here can afford to right off £2000 , but to a lot of people that’s a lot and represents their own holiday, a down payment to a new car, a unforeseen maintenance issues, or just being able to go out for a fair few meals/days out. If you can afford to give £2000 away without a loan agreement written and signed, then just bloody give it in first place.

don’t lend people money without a good written agreeement including repayment terms and a DD, unless you can afford to gift it in first place.

Ha, yes, you said in few words what I took many to say at roughly same time. 🤣🤣🤷🏼‍♀️

True, I once gave my friend (with a less secure job) a week's pay. It was far less stressful to think, can I do this? yes. will I do it? yes I will. rarely thought about it after.

Why should she?

Op, I know a lot of posters will say it doesn't matter, but what are your financial circumstances? You said you wanted the money back but didn't mind when. Is it fair to say this is more about the principle to you? What impact does not getting this money back have on you?

What's your daughter's life like? Is she working hard? Looking after kids?

Does she have form for borrowing money and this is the last straw?

It's not the money. 10p per month is a massive FU

So true. This is a very unnecessarily sad situation.

You knew she had no intention of paying you back when you gave her the money, why else would you get her to sign an agreement.
Your relationship has already broken down when you contacted debt agencies about your daughter.
You will not get this money back,. There is only you can decide how you want to progress.

You could argue that calling debt collectors about your own child is a massive 'fuck you' as well.

It doesn't sound like either have behaved well and I'm guessing there's a long backstory to this.

Exactly this. I am guessing the OP is not innocent in all of this. And, after all, the OP did make her daughter. Gave birth to her, and raised her. She has to take SOME responsibility for what her daughter is.

As a few people have said, the OP is not very supportive of her own daughter. Calling debt collectors on here FGS. I re-iterate; I feel sorry for the daughter.

Because she's her mother?

Imagine consulting a debt collection agency about money you gave your own child, ffs.

This is so typical MN. "How dare you want your money back?"

Presumably, because it was a loan, and OP isn't made of money. How was it not supportive to help her daughter when she needed it?

It's the daughter that's royally taking the piss. YANBU, OP. You probably won't see the money, but I wouldn't bankroll her again in your place. It's cheeky as fuck to do this to your own parent.

It's pretty vile to call the debt collectors on your own child.