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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Asking daughter to repay a loan

104 replies

Ladylinnet · 01/07/2023 08:59

3 yeears ago I lent money to my daughter, as the benefit office had made an error on her benefits, so sent a demand letter asking for payment. She was on phone crying. I said yes to lend the money. Got her to sign a promisery note. I didn't say I wanted the repayments at x pounds per month so would be complete in set time. I told her no rush, so when she had money to pay but if not pay less. But I wanted the money back. Money was £2k. She did pay £150 but even though she was asked can she pay money, never did. I did ask again, formally in a letter. But got back, oh I have mental health issues & I've been told people I owe money to cannot force me to repay. I did consult a debt collecting agency who said my daughter needed to come into the real world & realise she owes this money. This has now caused a major rift. She did say she would deduct money off that someone else owes her, but that isn't anything to do with me. She offered 10p a month, so likely to take over a hundred years. Am I being unreasonable.

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 01/07/2023 14:45

readbooksdrinktea · 01/07/2023 14:41

This is so typical MN. "How dare you want your money back?"

Presumably, because it was a loan, and OP isn't made of money. How was it not supportive to help her daughter when she needed it?

It's the daughter that's royally taking the piss. YANBU, OP. You probably won't see the money, but I wouldn't bankroll her again in your place. It's cheeky as fuck to do this to your own parent.

Absolutely. Dh's adult ds ( nearly 40) owes that amount from 6 years ago. Has paid nothing back despite being in full time employment...yet goes on holiday. We have nothing to do with him.

wutheringkites · 01/07/2023 14:46

Unless this debt is causing op significant financial distress, I am really struggling to understand how her focus is the money and not the massively fucked up relationship she has with her child.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 01/07/2023 14:53

readbooksdrinktea · 01/07/2023 14:41

This is so typical MN. "How dare you want your money back?"

Presumably, because it was a loan, and OP isn't made of money. How was it not supportive to help her daughter when she needed it?

It's the daughter that's royally taking the piss. YANBU, OP. You probably won't see the money, but I wouldn't bankroll her again in your place. It's cheeky as fuck to do this to your own parent.

You should never lend money you can't afford to lose.

Iamgoingtohell · 01/07/2023 15:03

This happened to me with my daughter years ago. It was my savings and never got it back. I learned the hard way, not to give money I couldn’t afford to lose. Trying to get it back was secondary to our relationship and she was young at the time.
I will still give her money if she’s skint but that is only a £10/20 to see her through.
Its important to decide whether your relationship or the money is more valuable to you.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 01/07/2023 15:05

My child or not, the 10p fuck you would end the relationship anyway.

She needs a bite of a reality sandwich.

readbooksdrinktea · 01/07/2023 15:07

AuntieMarys · 01/07/2023 14:45

Absolutely. Dh's adult ds ( nearly 40) owes that amount from 6 years ago. Has paid nothing back despite being in full time employment...yet goes on holiday. We have nothing to do with him.

Yeah, I get that. I would react the same way.

ColourMeBlue · 01/07/2023 15:12

10p is a shocking amount to "offer" back.she obviously thinks you can afford to lose it,or she genuinely believes she doesn't have to pay it back.i owe thousands to various debts and I offer to pay £20 back a month as its literally all I can afford.it doesn't sound much but all debts added up each month is around £80-£100.I suppose the question now is do you want to lose your daughter over money?if not i would write the entire debt off and never lend her a penny again.absolutely nothing.

neveradullmoment99 · 01/07/2023 15:18

InSpainTheRain · 01/07/2023 12:05

I can see your point, but no way would I have a rift with either of my DS (now adult) about 2k. Let it go, but lesson learned.

This.
Your relationship sounds very strained. Very sad it has come to this.

diddl · 01/07/2023 15:34

Seems as if you rightfully didn't trust her to pay it back which I guess means that the request should have been turned down.

I think that you would have lost out either way.

She would have been pissed off at no "loan" and now she's pissed off that you want it back!

Daisydu · 01/07/2023 15:42

That’s a nice way to treat your daughter 🙄.

op, personally I couldn’t contact a debt collection agency over my own child owing me money. She should be paying it back, yes, and obviously don’t lend anymore, but you would rather lose a relationship with your child over it? I wouldn’t.

Iknowthis1 · 01/07/2023 15:47

I'd be interested to hear the other side to this story. I suspect that we're missing a big chunk of relevant information.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/07/2023 15:51

Doesn't look like OP is coming back to enlighten anyone so there's little point.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/07/2023 16:05

Your daughter is on benefits and you expect her to be able to pay 2k back? Right.

You're the fool who lent the money to someone with zero ability to pay it back.

BishopRock · 01/07/2023 16:44

I'd write it off, it's not worth completely ruining your relationship over, but I wouldn't lend any money in the future, ever.

xogossipgirlxo · 01/07/2023 16:55

This reply has been deleted

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PurpleButterflyWings · 01/07/2023 17:00

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Wow. actually JUST WOW. Confused What a horrific comment.

Ferferksake · 01/07/2023 17:15

I'm in a similar situation. My step GS needed money for a deposit for a car. I leant him £1500 towards it. He understood that I wanted it back and he said he would save up and give me £500 at a time. That was about 18 months ago and I haven't seen a penny.

Since then he has been on an expensive holiday with his gf and now they have a new baby. When I messaged him asking if he could start repayments, he ignored me. When I messaged asking if he would like something for the baby, he replied.

He'd also borrowed around another £500 from my DH in the meantime, which he has told SGS that he's writing off for him, to help with the costs of the new baby, but DH told him "you still need to pay Ferferksake back though".

When I take the gift for the baby I shall give him my bank details so that he can set up a standing order to repay it. If he doesn't do anything I shan't fall out with him, but I will remember it. I will never lend him anything again, but more than that, he will find that when I pop my clogs he'll be about £80k out of pocket compared to his sister. What was dividing by 6 can divide just as easily by 5.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 01/07/2023 17:16

Can your dd afford to pay you back? What's her current financial situation? Would paying you back mean she goes into debt?

Tbh I would have gifted her the money or not given it at all if you couldn't afford it/needed it back.

HighEndGrifters · 01/07/2023 17:21

Good grief, you couldn't make it up.😜

drpet49 · 01/07/2023 17:39

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 01/07/2023 15:05

My child or not, the 10p fuck you would end the relationship anyway.

She needs a bite of a reality sandwich.

I agree. 10p is so insulting and speaks volumes about the daughters entitlement and attitude.

Somanycats · 01/07/2023 17:46

InSpainTheRain · 01/07/2023 12:05

I can see your point, but no way would I have a rift with either of my DS (now adult) about 2k. Let it go, but lesson learned.

It's not the parent causing the rift though is it? This daughter is prepared to fall out with her mum over 2k. She doesn't value or respect her Mum at all does she? So there is no relationship left to salvage.

Dillydollydingdong · 01/07/2023 17:50

When we have children, it's our duty to help them out if we can. Both my sons need help from time to time. Give money - don't lend it if you can't afford to lose the money.

xogossipgirlxo · 01/07/2023 17:55

BishopRock · 01/07/2023 16:44

I'd write it off, it's not worth completely ruining your relationship over, but I wouldn't lend any money in the future, ever.

But what if OP needs this money too? Daughter is clearly ready to ruin her relationship with mother by offering to repay 10p monthly.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 01/07/2023 17:57

xogossipgirlxo · 01/07/2023 17:55

But what if OP needs this money too? Daughter is clearly ready to ruin her relationship with mother by offering to repay 10p monthly.

As has been said multiple times, you shouldn't lend out anymore than you're prepared to lose.

Personally, I think the relationship was already ruined when OP made her child sign a promisary note and wanted to send debt collectors to her door.

EmpressSoleil · 01/07/2023 18:56

when I pop my clogs he'll be about £80k out of pocket compared to his sister

How spiteful. But you'll have your revenge from beyond the grave so that's all good then! Deduct the 1500 or a little more, fair enough, never lend again, also fair enough. But the spite some people show on this thread baffles me.