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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The guy I’m seeing deletes my whats apps

53 replies

Anon12986 · 30/06/2023 12:32

Am I being unreasonable that I find it weird that the guy I’m seeing deletes some of our whats apps?

I realised this the other day when he accidentally deleted one of his messages he’d sent for me and him instead of just him. He immediately said sorry didn’t mean to delete for me as well. I asked why he was deleting messages as I thought it was strange and his response was he liked to scroll up our conversations and deleting some meant he could get to the more fun texts quicker, so basically in my eyes saying he likes to delete the boring texts. I still found this weird but it really played to a paranoia I have that he’s only really wants to talk to me for the flirty texts and doesn’t actually value me for me etc. I raised this and he said he keeps the flirty ones and the fun bantery ones we have. I obviously haven’t asked to see which he’s kept as that feels crazy. But I just can’t decide if this is seriously weird behaviour and if i’m over reacting by feeling really disrespected. I don’t know anyone else who goes through what’s apps and deletes messages.

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 30/06/2023 13:27

We aren’t exclusive

So why do you care if he's deleting messages you're sent him or not??

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/06/2023 13:27

*you've

SayHi · 30/06/2023 13:29

I think it’s really weird for anyone to re-read messages.

I can’t say I’ve ever scrolled back up to re-read any messages unless we’re meeting somewhere and I’m double checking the time.

If it was an issue with space then I understand deleting all of the ‘ok’ and ‘see you later’ messages.

But it sounds like he deletes all of the messages and thought of this excuse when you caught him out.

GoodChat · 30/06/2023 13:31

I didn't realise it was so normal!

Calmdown14 · 30/06/2023 13:32

This isn't just about the what's apps is it?

You are settling for the crumbs of a relationship he is offering when you clearly want more.

Ditch him and find someone who wants the same things as you in a relationship.

Original poster
Anon12986 · 30/06/2023 13:33

GoodChat · 30/06/2023 13:31

I didn't realise it was so normal!

Me neither, maybe I am being unreasonable lol

OP posts:
redskytwonight · 30/06/2023 13:37

GoodChat · 30/06/2023 13:31

I didn't realise it was so normal!

I didn't realise not deleting no longer needed messages was so normal!
Why keep them if you never need to refer to them again?

If we were still in a paper world and someone had left you a "gone out, back soon" note, would you keep that? If you wouldn't, why are digital messages different?

Also remember that WhatsApp messages (if text) may be small, but they do take up some space. If you never delete anything, will you be buying phones with increasingly more and more memory?

Original poster
Anon12986 · 30/06/2023 13:37

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/06/2023 13:27

We aren’t exclusive

So why do you care if he's deleting messages you're sent him or not??

As someone who’s never deleted what’s app messages from anyone it just felt weird. If you’re doing it to navigate messages more easily surely use search or star messages. It’s felt like a weird way to be using time to be going back and cherry picking which messages are interesting enough to keep but hey it’s clearly more common than I realised.

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 30/06/2023 13:38

He doesn't want his wife to see them.

He isn't keeping any. That's just a lie.

TheEponymousGrub · 30/06/2023 13:59

If he's deleting the boring ones, it's like he's curating a collection to represent a version of you. So, he's making a better version of you, in his WhatsApp. Isn't that a bit odd? Maybe harmless, but I still think it odd.

Original poster
Anon12986 · 30/06/2023 14:04

TheEponymousGrub · 30/06/2023 13:59

If he's deleting the boring ones, it's like he's curating a collection to represent a version of you. So, he's making a better version of you, in his WhatsApp. Isn't that a bit odd? Maybe harmless, but I still think it odd.

That’s kind of how I feel. It’s not like we’ve been seeing each other for ages and live together so are sending tonnes of life-min texts.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/06/2023 14:06

Feeling something isn't over-reacting. It's not even acting.

If you feel paranoid, set his house on fire, stamp on his laptop and throw a brick at his car, that's over-reacting.

If you feel paranoid, respect your feeling, and tell him you're not comfortable, that's being an adult. If his response makes you feel better, good. If it doesn't, reconsider the relationship.

GoodChat · 30/06/2023 14:09

@redskytwonight I'd just never thought to delete my messages. If it was at a point it was causing storage issues I'd delete old conversations but I wouldn't delete individual messages because, quite frankly, I can't be arsed.

Original poster
Anon12986 · 30/06/2023 14:09

Watchkeys · 30/06/2023 14:06

Feeling something isn't over-reacting. It's not even acting.

If you feel paranoid, set his house on fire, stamp on his laptop and throw a brick at his car, that's over-reacting.

If you feel paranoid, respect your feeling, and tell him you're not comfortable, that's being an adult. If his response makes you feel better, good. If it doesn't, reconsider the relationship.

A moment of clarity message, his response was basically you do you, I’ll do me. If I want to delete messages I will. Which is true he can, but hardly a considerate answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon12986 · 30/06/2023 14:10

GoodChat · 30/06/2023 14:09

@redskytwonight I'd just never thought to delete my messages. If it was at a point it was causing storage issues I'd delete old conversations but I wouldn't delete individual messages because, quite frankly, I can't be arsed.

Exactly my thoughts! It is way more effort than it’s worth.

OP posts:
TisforTucan · 30/06/2023 14:10

I can't get over how many people delete single what's app messages, I'd never have the time 😅. To me it screams there's someone else he's hiding the texts from.

beatingtheodds · 30/06/2023 14:12

ChimChimeny · 30/06/2023 12:52

I immediately thought he's deleting the flirty ones because he has a girlfriend/wife/partner who he doesn't want seeing them.
Can you remember what the message said that he deleted?

Thing is with this on WhatsApp it still shows a 'this message has been deleted' so if he did have a partner she will see the messages have been deleted.

I delete mundane messages. I cba to pay for extra storage and hate a cloggy phone.

beatingtheodds · 30/06/2023 14:13

Also you're not exclusive.

What's the problem?

If someone I had seen a couple times and wasn't exclusive with started hounding me because I deleted my messages id give them a swerve tbh.

GoodChat · 30/06/2023 14:15

To be fair @Anon12986 I've just checked my storage at 2GB of it is WhatsApp and most of that is data like photos and videos. Is he deleting GIFs or memes?

It's still pretty neurotic even if he is though Grin

ModestMoon · 30/06/2023 14:15

I wonder if frequency of texting makes a difference? I whatsapp all the time, and it would take ages to delete everything. I use the search function to find specific information, so I never have to scroll up to find old texts.

Do you maybe worry that it shows that he is not that into you? I used to delete most messages back when they took up space, but would spend hours rereading conversations with my then-boyfriend. It was actually the normal conversations rather than the flirty ones that I liked reading the most - opinions on the news, stories about his family, places we wanted to visit, whatever. This is the sort of thing you only do if you are madly in love, though! Which is what makes me think that perhaps you are looking for a more committed relationship.

ModestMoon · 30/06/2023 14:16

beatingtheodds · 30/06/2023 14:12

Thing is with this on WhatsApp it still shows a 'this message has been deleted' so if he did have a partner she will see the messages have been deleted.

I delete mundane messages. I cba to pay for extra storage and hate a cloggy phone.

Show quote history

If you press on 'this message has been deleted' and delete that message, then it doesn't show up anymore...

Original poster
Anon12986 · 30/06/2023 14:21

beatingtheodds · 30/06/2023 14:13

Also you're not exclusive.

What's the problem?

If someone I had seen a couple times and wasn't exclusive with started hounding me because I deleted my messages id give them a swerve tbh.

Tbf there has been no hounding but appreciate your pov

OP posts:
Deliaskis · 30/06/2023 14:23

TheEponymousGrub · 30/06/2023 13:59

If he's deleting the boring ones, it's like he's curating a collection to represent a version of you. So, he's making a better version of you, in his WhatsApp. Isn't that a bit odd? Maybe harmless, but I still think it odd.

To be fair though, don't we all do this in our memories? I delete from my actual brain all the dull things my DH has said to me, and remember the actual memorable stuff. I don't think forgetting, or in this case choosing to delete, all the 'can't find my car keys' means a person is curating.

I delete all the emails I get from DH, apart from the ones which say things like 'the new direct debit for the car loan is £xxx and will start on July 3rd'. Otherwise I'd have a folder full of emails saying pointless things.

Original poster
Anon12986 · 30/06/2023 14:25

ModestMoon · 30/06/2023 14:15

I wonder if frequency of texting makes a difference? I whatsapp all the time, and it would take ages to delete everything. I use the search function to find specific information, so I never have to scroll up to find old texts.

Do you maybe worry that it shows that he is not that into you? I used to delete most messages back when they took up space, but would spend hours rereading conversations with my then-boyfriend. It was actually the normal conversations rather than the flirty ones that I liked reading the most - opinions on the news, stories about his family, places we wanted to visit, whatever. This is the sort of thing you only do if you are madly in love, though! Which is what makes me think that perhaps you are looking for a more committed relationship.

Yeah I thinks that’s probably why I can’t decide what to make of it. I wouldn’t delete his messages because like you say I like to look back over them sometimes or find a specific one. I know he does sometimes too as he’s forwarded old ones to me. But I don’t know what’s making the cut and what he’s keeping / not keeping.

OP posts:
Wordsofthewise · 30/06/2023 14:26

My initial thoughts on this is, could he be keeping only the flirty messages to show his friends? You said you’re not exclusive, so if it’s seeing other women and also keeping their flirty messages, is he just collating flirty messages to ‘show off’ and brag about how all these women are flirting with him. That was where my head went but I may be way off, I personally find deleting the messages strange / more hassle than not and would feel uneasy about it too.

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