To want to end relationship with my brother because I cba?

[MissChatterbox1]

Hello and thanks for reading.

Im going to sound awful for this post I know but I need to vent it and get impartial advice. I’m prepared for vipers.

Background: I have 5 half siblings. I grew up in the same house with 4 of them. We are all adults now with our own families and get on well but not close.
The fifth sibling was my dads son who is 15 years older than me and I did not grow up with and did not know or meet until after my dad died.

Met this sibling when I was 19 and they were 34. They have no other siblings.
He’s a nice man but due to the age gap and not being raised together we have 0 in common.
However due to him having no siblings he has tried really hard over the years to force a relationship.
He’s gone out of his way to make this happen. Travelling across the country to things like my graduation and the birth of my child. Sending presents and cards on birthdays and at Christmas. Always trying to ring me and arrange meet ups.
He has a wife and kids and they are also super enthusiastic to have a relationship.

Now this is where I feel an awful person. I do not reciprocate the feelings at all and find it smothering and a bit weird if I’m honest.
We have nothing in common other than sharing a dad neither of us really knew.
He makes more effort than me and my siblings do for eachother and is really over familiar. When he and his family come they insist on staying in my house when my own siblings get a hotel. I have a house with spare rooms so can’t really say no but it’s awkward.
They try and arrange joint family holidays which I make excuses not to do and send me drawings their kids have done in the post.

Because we weren’t raised together and there is a huge age gap it’s essentially a stranger trying to exert themselves into your life at every opportunity.
My other siblings I have little in common with but we have a shared history and familiarity so have our own banter and jokes and understand each others quirks and ways so I can spend a weekend with them and tell them to go away or whatever. When they’re being annoying. My nieces and nephews feel like ‘mine’ and it feels like family and not a weird chore i’m doing.

Since having my child my brother and his family have stepped it up a notch and constantly want to meet and be in contact as he’s an ‘uncle’ now.
Their kids ranging from 2 - 19 year old (massive age gaps) call me auntie and my DP uncle and it feels awkward as they are literal strangers.
My DB and his wife will try and give parenting tips on visits which comes across as rude as critical because there is no foundation of a relationship like our own siblings so it feels like a stranger/acquaintance saying it.

I have tried to distance myself over the years but they don’t get the hint. I don’t respond to calls and take days to reply to texts but they still persist. They will go through their calendar for that year until they find a date we are free for a visit even if it’s 6 months away. They send expensive and thoughtful presents for all our birthdays which makes me feel indebted to them to continue the relationship.
They've even tried to ‘book on’ to our family holidays when we’ve told them we’re going somewhere (saying they might come too and looking up tickets on their phone there and then, I’m not joking!).
They keep pestering to spend Christmas together which I’ve managed to bat off! We have loads of other very close family and now our own kids to be contending with, we don’t want to host strangers on top on Christmas Day and it’s weird they even want to spend such a day together.

I know it sounds selfish but I have loads of siblings already as does DP. Infact DP has 4 full siblings who also have families so between us we have loads of siblings, nieces and nephews which is difficult enough to keep up with. However my DB and his family demand more attention than all our siblings put together! Because they only have me as ‘family’ they put all their attention onto us.

I personally would be happy with just sending an annual Christmas card and seeing their updates via social media at most. I don’t have the time or interest.
But I don’t want to hurt them either. They are nice people. I understand they want extended family as they don’t have it, but I can’t provide it.

What do I do?

I’ve tried every kind of ‘drifting away’ method possible. I feel like the only way out is to have some kind of huge fall out and go no contact because they will go to such great lengths to maintain this relationship that there is no other way. Even if I up and moved to Australia I have 0 doubt they’d use their annual leave to visit annually. That’s how full on they are.

'He's family' if you don't want a relationship with him then you don't have to. I'm sure you aren't the nasty person posters seem to think you are. But them what does it matter what randoms think? YOU need to decide what YOU want to do.

It's astounding in 2023 to read so many posts from people urging this poor woman to just "be kind" and forget that she has any agency whatsoever in her life.

She's had years and years of putting up with someone with a biological link to her, much older than her, whom has elbowed in on her life, despite her having fxxk all interest in him and their genetic link.

Unbelievable.

So delighted that I am raising my daughters to bat this type of intrusive, unwanted attention away, .....brutally, if necessary.

I would absolutely hate for any of my girls to be tolerating this unwanted attention from ANY man, even one who rocked up and said they share their DNA.🙄

She doesn't want him in her life.
End of.

She doesn't owe him his Disney family dream.

Just because they share DNA does not mean because she has a vagina, she owes him his happy family connection and experience, when SHE does not feel any connection with him.

This sure as hell would not happen if she was a man.

He'd have been blocked, muted, left unanswered, the minute it was established there was no connection.

But on MN it is a parallel universe.

I'm so thankful IRL, my friends wouldn't tolerate this for a second and would have told their daughters to tell him back off firmly, and cut him off if he didn't listen.

Hear hear!!! No one is 'owed' a relationship with ANYONE for any reason.

If this was a neighbour or coworker forcing themselves into OP's life I have a feeling certain answers would be quite different. Because they share DNA that means that OP must allow this person into her life according to his 'desires'? No, it does not. It's a shame OP didn't cut this off earlier but she was young and impressionable. Just because she's allowed it to drag on doesn't mean she can't now put up stronger boundaries. Or go completely NC, if she so chooses.

This is one of the reasons I've never wanted to go searching for my birth family. There are too many horror stories of pushy 'relatives' planting themselves on doorsteps. My cousin's 1/2-sibling 'found' her and although the 1/2-siblings are respectful of her boundaries, her bio-mother keeps pushing for a mother/child relationship and my cousin doesn't want or need that and it's very upsetting to my cousin. And very unfair!

👏Sometimes being kind should jog on and close the door behind it.

I couldn't be bothered to read your life story. I got the point in two sentences. It baffles me that he wasting so much time and energy getting to know you. You're not worth it and you don't want it.

So tell him straight, like I'm telling you straight. But don't spend 8 hours waffling like you have here. Tell him you don't want him in your life and to leave you alone. Then block. Very simple.

I'm sorry but I feel.incredibly sorry for your brother and you don't sound the most empathetic person. Here is someone who sounds they have been ignored their entire life by your dad and his new family. He desperately wants to belong. He is only a stranger as you are making him one. How about taking the time to know him and his family, maybe find some common interests that the beauty of family you don't all have to be them same. Maybe take the stick out and enjoy that someone likes you and wants to spend time with you.

I think you may need to be direct and expect a response indicating sadness or anger, if you really want to have little or nothing to do with them.

YANBU. An hour long call once a week? It's too much. Imagine if you did that with all of your DC's aunts and uncles. Sweet lord.

I would tell you're brother that you'd like to reduce the calls to once a month. Just say that life is too busy/hectic and you can no longer fit it in.

In terms of an annual visit, I do think that is quite nice tbh. Even if you don't enjoy it all that much, it is a good deed to your brother - who has no one else.

It’s not the OP’s job to fix the harm done to her half-brother by their shared parent not being in his life.

She is allowed to say a firm no, and set boundaries.

Surprised to see so many replies advocating for fear obligation and guilt to govern the OP’s actions.

I think here lies the problem. You don’t need to do all of the reciprocal things. Set up boundaries! That could be one phone call a year if you think you would be happy with that level of contact.

The cut off and block without providing the opportunity to rectify his behaviour is what I found off.

If after being clear with him he is this forceful and intrusive then that is a completely different conversation.

Also I find this “it’s just a DNA link” really strange - maybe it’s just me.

Sorry I meant “just a DNA link” comments from other posters - not OP.

Why do you give a shit what strangers on the internet think? It’s your life and your family.

Clearly if you want this man out of your life, which you’re well within your rights to, then you’re going to have to be a lot clearer and more forceful about it. I wouldn’t waste any more angst or time on it.

Why do his desires outweigh the OP's?

One can feel sorry for the brother AND still sympathize with OP being 'overrun' by him. The feelings aren't mutually exclusive. It's up to OP's brother to manage his own expectations, not for OP to give into them. OP has the right to set her own boundaries and have the relationship that works for her, even if that's no relationship at all. Perhaps if the brother hadn't been so overbearing, the OP might have been able to find a comfortable middle ground. As it is he's pushed and pushed into her life and now she has no more 'give' in her.

And that doesn't make her 'not empathetic'. Empathy means understanding another's feelings, it doesn't mean giving in to them. Just because you may 'empathize' with my desire to live in your house that certainly doesn't mean that you have to give it to me!

Not sure it's been said but it sounds like he sees himself as a father figure to you.
I'd probably treat him the way you would your bio dad getting in contact with you at 19.

I am surprised you're calling him a stranger after ten years regular contact though. I think you've had your walls up from the start.
He's family, and sounds like a good one. Trust him a bit more. Speak openly and honestly with him.

Agreed.

I think the OP has huge empathy, that she has allowed this situation come to this point.

I would have blown up many many years ago, and he would have been told back away, or go away.

I have loads of empathy like lots of people on here, but also having boundaries is not mutually exclusive.

If she had written he'd like to meet once a year for a coffee I would be more inclined to feel sympathetic, but an hour a week is mental.

My husband is close to his siblings and can easily go 12 weeks without chatting, and when they do its usually about 20-30 minutes.

I cannot get my head around a weekly hour.

God, he sounds amazing. You don't deserve him though. Sickening as it is, you need to be honest with him, so that he's not forever making an effort in this unreciprocated relationship. You owe him this at least.
One day he won't be here though, and I wouldn't fancy having to deal with the guilt of that.

You really think someone who turns up on your family holiday abroad without an invitation is "amazing".

And honestly when he dies why would the OP feel any guilt? She isn't his parent. She has had a relationship with him - it is just he constantly wants more than she does. Why would she feel guilt. Will she have killed him? Why do women think they owe so much to make other people (mostly men) happy. Even christianity said "love thy neighbour as thyself" not more than yourself.

As an adopted person I’ve not gone down the route of contacting birth family members as they would be strangers with a dna link. So I can see your viewpoint and when you were a 19year old at uni with a 15 year gap with your brother- you had different wants and needs from life.

That being said I guess I’ve been like your brother with my SIl. It’s like she wants to have all the privileges of being part of a family but with none of the responsibilities, nice presents for her and her kids, being included in family meals without ever once reciprocating. Your opening post title includes the line because I Cba. We made so much effort with SIL but she does nothing because, ultimately, she cba. After many painful years we simply took the view she didn’t actually want us in her life and gave up. Has it occurred to you your brother may be getting to this point?

I’d ask you what you really really want with your brother , severely reduced contact/ no contact and then set boundaries and also look at how you communicate- are you ‘lying’ - ‘oh yes it would be great to get together, give me a call’ then he’s calling and making an effort but it’s not what you want?

I think you’ve got yourself into a very difficult situation, because after ten years of letting him into your life, putting up with him staying at your house, taking his lengthily phone calls and accepting generous presents, he obviously thinks you’re OK with all this. I can quite see from your point of view that he is intrusive and controlling - the expensive presents would make me very uneasy because there are always expectations attached - and I think in your situation, I would be inclined to back away gently - try not answering the phone for a couple of weeks; if he suggests coming to stay, say you’ll be staying with other friends at that time, just generally make yourself less available. Keep your holiday and other plans to yourself, and just don’t let them be so involved. You say if you moved to Australia, they’d come and visit - not unless you’d given them your address, they wouldn’t! You don’t have to pick up the phone, so don’t. You say you’ve tried drifting away, but they go to great lengths to maintain the relationship - how, if you don’t want it? I think you’re actually going to have to say something about the presents, because it seems they are using this as a means of guilting you into maintaining the relationship. You are going to have to set boundaries and make it plain, for example, that “We never have visitors at Christmas”. It is not easy, but you will have to be assertive and do what you want and what is best for your family, rather than being pushed into fitting into a relationship on their terms.

OMG, never in my life have I seen such batshit responses to a MN thread. Are all these posters on crack?!

OP- YANBU, at all!! You quite frankly have been a saint to put up with the intrusion and intensity. I’m like you, meek and a people pleaser so I’d have let it get to this stage too probably as I’d want to try and be ‘nice‘ and not offend him.

However like you, I couldn’t put up with this any longer, why on earth PP can’t comprehend that it’s perfectly plausible that you wouldn’t have anything in common with him. We all have people we wouldn’t be friends with as we have absolutely nothing in common, otherwise we’d be friends with everyone. I can just imagine the stilted small talk.

I think I would probably just say, whilst you’re happy to continue a relationship, you don’t have the bandwidth anymore to be doing long weekly calls and putting tbem up when they come to visit, your other siblings stay in a hotel as they know you like your own space and from now on, you’d prefer it if he did the same. Be less available, respond to texts less and see if he gets the hint. Or you could ring him, tell him what you’ve said here and say unless things become less intense, you’ll have to rethink the relationship and see what he says.

Christ you sound like a right cow.

I can’t believe the harsh comments on this thread. If anyone feels overwhelmed by any relationship, in my opinion they are entitled to their experience. And it certainly doesn’t make the OP horrible. Just human. My advice is to meet up the two of you and have a sincere conversation where you explain that you’re finding all the attention a bit much. I have no doubt it will be a difficult conversation, but I think it’s the only fair way to set boundaries. This idea that because people “are family” they should learn to love one another is frankly bizarre.

And as for the emphasis some posters are putting on the generous presents and card sending and so on, this is not “love”. Just a sign of someone being very well adjusted to materialism. That’s okay, but conflating the two is not helpful. I don’t care much for the giving or receiving of presents and cards, but I am absolutely capable of love.

I think you should engineer a giant fallout. It's the most reliable way to get him to leave you alone. His feelings might be hurt but he will get over it.

The people saying “But he sounds niiiiice!!” are missing the point. I’m sure he IS nice, if misguidedly intense. That’s the whole crux of the dilemma. If he was a loudmouth bigot or a drunk/druggie constantly coming to the OP cap in hand, she wouldn’t need to worry about ditching him. The problem is that, while OP’s brother might be a perfectly nice man, she just doesn’t feel the same connection he does - in fact she feels suffocated.

Yes, OP probably should have done something sooner, as many have said. But just as many, if not more people have said “Can’t you at least tryyy?”. OP is damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t.

I think a lot of people have a romanticised view of long-lost relatives from TV and fiction. Look how often in soap opera an adopted child or undiscovered sibling will not only quickly become close to their birth family, but actually end up living with them. (Either that or they fake their identity to take revenge for being abandoned, but end up living with their family anyway when all is forgiven.) I imagine in real life that is incredibly rare. Even Long Lost Family, which features real people, by definition focuses on happy outcomes. You never hear about the people who don’t want to be found.

OP - Do NOT engineer a falling out as you suggested (I suspect out of sheer frustration). You will be setting yourself up for pleading phone calls, long letters begging to know what they did wrong, “I just want my sister back” and so on. Much better to try to distance yourself more naturally. You said you wouldn’t go on holiday with your other siblings - be truthful and say you’re just not interested in an extended family holiday, with him or ANY of your siblings. Tell him you don’t like house guests full stop. Cut the phone calls short. Find reasons to step back whenever you can.