To want to end relationship with my brother because I cba?

[MissChatterbox1]

Hello and thanks for reading.

Im going to sound awful for this post I know but I need to vent it and get impartial advice. I’m prepared for vipers.

Background: I have 5 half siblings. I grew up in the same house with 4 of them. We are all adults now with our own families and get on well but not close.
The fifth sibling was my dads son who is 15 years older than me and I did not grow up with and did not know or meet until after my dad died.

Met this sibling when I was 19 and they were 34. They have no other siblings.
He’s a nice man but due to the age gap and not being raised together we have 0 in common.
However due to him having no siblings he has tried really hard over the years to force a relationship.
He’s gone out of his way to make this happen. Travelling across the country to things like my graduation and the birth of my child. Sending presents and cards on birthdays and at Christmas. Always trying to ring me and arrange meet ups.
He has a wife and kids and they are also super enthusiastic to have a relationship.

Now this is where I feel an awful person. I do not reciprocate the feelings at all and find it smothering and a bit weird if I’m honest.
We have nothing in common other than sharing a dad neither of us really knew.
He makes more effort than me and my siblings do for eachother and is really over familiar. When he and his family come they insist on staying in my house when my own siblings get a hotel. I have a house with spare rooms so can’t really say no but it’s awkward.
They try and arrange joint family holidays which I make excuses not to do and send me drawings their kids have done in the post.

Because we weren’t raised together and there is a huge age gap it’s essentially a stranger trying to exert themselves into your life at every opportunity.
My other siblings I have little in common with but we have a shared history and familiarity so have our own banter and jokes and understand each others quirks and ways so I can spend a weekend with them and tell them to go away or whatever. When they’re being annoying. My nieces and nephews feel like ‘mine’ and it feels like family and not a weird chore i’m doing.

Since having my child my brother and his family have stepped it up a notch and constantly want to meet and be in contact as he’s an ‘uncle’ now.
Their kids ranging from 2 - 19 year old (massive age gaps) call me auntie and my DP uncle and it feels awkward as they are literal strangers.
My DB and his wife will try and give parenting tips on visits which comes across as rude as critical because there is no foundation of a relationship like our own siblings so it feels like a stranger/acquaintance saying it.

I have tried to distance myself over the years but they don’t get the hint. I don’t respond to calls and take days to reply to texts but they still persist. They will go through their calendar for that year until they find a date we are free for a visit even if it’s 6 months away. They send expensive and thoughtful presents for all our birthdays which makes me feel indebted to them to continue the relationship.
They've even tried to ‘book on’ to our family holidays when we’ve told them we’re going somewhere (saying they might come too and looking up tickets on their phone there and then, I’m not joking!).
They keep pestering to spend Christmas together which I’ve managed to bat off! We have loads of other very close family and now our own kids to be contending with, we don’t want to host strangers on top on Christmas Day and it’s weird they even want to spend such a day together.

I know it sounds selfish but I have loads of siblings already as does DP. Infact DP has 4 full siblings who also have families so between us we have loads of siblings, nieces and nephews which is difficult enough to keep up with. However my DB and his family demand more attention than all our siblings put together! Because they only have me as ‘family’ they put all their attention onto us.

I personally would be happy with just sending an annual Christmas card and seeing their updates via social media at most. I don’t have the time or interest.
But I don’t want to hurt them either. They are nice people. I understand they want extended family as they don’t have it, but I can’t provide it.

What do I do?

I’ve tried every kind of ‘drifting away’ method possible. I feel like the only way out is to have some kind of huge fall out and go no contact because they will go to such great lengths to maintain this relationship that there is no other way. Even if I up and moved to Australia I have 0 doubt they’d use their annual leave to visit annually. That’s how full on they are.

Agreed @Testina

I have very close friends of 45 years that have been there for me throughout my life, that I can't sit on the phone with for an hour weekly, yet the OP is "unkind and horrible" for not offering up this time to a brother she met when she was nearly 20, has zero in common with, and even less interest in🙄🤦‍♀️.

As for having white goods delivered to her home without consultation?

Absolutely presumptuous.

He sounds like an arrogant no all who hasn't an ounce of cop on or self awareness.

Who does this?

Not someone who thinks about YOU and what YOU want, or that YOU might want to choose your own white goods for YOUR house.

I would find such unbelievable arrogance infuriating.

But it is not at all about what the OP wants, it is completely about him and what HE wants.

OP has paid a high price for not growing up and moving on from being such a people pleaser.

Insisting he stay in her home is similarly disrespectful and not normal IMO.

He cares only about what he wants.

I can't believe most of these responses.

A grown man in his 30s repeatedly visited a 19yo girl in her uni halls, that he hardly knew, without being invited.

How can no one see how creepily intrusive that is?

The power imbalance with that age difference is insane. How many 19yo girls do you know who would have the confidence to say piss off to a man that age who claims the right to see her? "I'm your half brother aren't you pleased to see me".

Expensive gifts, that weren't asked for, aren't nice. They are controlling and manipulative. They are used to create obligation and guilt.

Op, now you've added updates, I withdraw my suggestion of a slow and gradual back-pedalling. Keep your family safe from the intrusion of these people. Withdraw.

I wish I'd done the same with my dad at a much, much younger age than I eventually did.

You might find he blows up at you and you see a very different side of him, when you start making boundaries.

🙄

I think people would see this very differently if it was an uncle rather than a half-brother. With that age difference, he's closer to most uncles in age.

Now is it obvious how icky it is?! This guy is an intrusive, manipulative uncle who has no care for your feelings and boundaries and revels in creating opportunities for you to be under an obligation to him.

I agree with so many of the recent comments from Mummy08m , billy1966 & Testina

There is such a power imbalance here with the age difference and when they first met OP being only 19. His behaviour is intrusive & pushy and if the pattern had already been established early on of him being more "senior" in the relationship then it is difficult to push back against that especially if OP is a people pleaser.

The gifts can be seen as controlling rather than generous. On how many threads do parents or inlaws contribute to a house deposit or private school fees only for the poster to later find they resent the degree of control & influence the donor expects in the young family's life? With hindsight it might have been better to decline the gifts but in the context described that would have been difficult.

How other people feel about their own family connections and how they believe they might welcome an adult half sibling into their own lives is not the point. OP is where she is and she is uncomfortable with the situation, telling her she is selfish, unkind and horrible is not helpful in my view.

I'd hate this, I have to have boundaries with everyone except dh and my adult kids whom I love to pieces and very protective of. I explain why there are reasons and if someone tries to guilt trip, cry or generally be a pain in the arse about it, they are gone. I hate drama and yes, I'm generally sang froid towards other people unless they are young, elderly, vulnerable or disabled.

People are really suggesting her brother is creepy for visiting her??? He's not some creepy stranger he's her brother!!!

Fine if she decides to have nothing to do with him, but there is nothing creepy about him trying to have a relationship. He's not sexually harassing her. That is beyond creepy to suggest.

@Testina thank you, that advice is brilliant. I will put on my big girl pants and make a boundary and see how he reacts. If he accepts it then it’s a big win, if he doesn’t then I have an ‘out’ and it’s also a win.

I know other posters will think that’s awful but after your post I’m also wondering if they would be able to put up with it in reality. If they would honestly be able to force themselves to enjoy a relationship with someone they have 0 in common with that pushes to spend constant time with them. That rings them weekly and puts their small kids on the phone to them, invites themselves over at Christmas and tries to turn up on their family holidays. The reality really isn’t as sweet as it sounds.

Surely you have something in common?

Do what you want, but don’t underestimate how lucky it is to be cared for.

Well this is just an incredibly sad thread.

You already know what you want to do. I don’t think you’re going to be swayed by strangers on here telling you you’re unreasonable. You’re just going to have to be a lot more brutal and to the point than you’re currently being.

@billy1966 thank you for validating what I mean about the age gap. You understand why this situation isn’t all sweetness and open arms from my perspective.

I feel so torn between feeling like an awful person who needs to maintain the relationship as I mean so much to him so should be grateful, and feeling justified in feeling how I do and ending it completely.

@Avondale89 not true. I am taking everyone’s opinions on board but the advice I’m receiving is mostly that I’m an awful person and the only way to not be an awful person is to continue this relationship forevermore.

I have TRIED. People are acting like I’ve not ever given it a chance. I was a bridesmaid at the wedding, I’ve hosted them in my home many times despite hating every minute, I’ve answered their calls, I’ve sent their kids presents at birthdays and Christmas. I’ve done more than give it a chance. I’ve given him and his family more attention and time than I have my other siblings whom i have an actual bond with.

Nothing has changed if anything it’s just gotten worse.

This wins the prize for the most irrelevant response to an OP. I mean, wtaf are you going on about??

OP, be blunt. Nothing else will work and they need to know. Maybe post a letter with some of what you've said here about not feeling any true connection.

It may not be sexual. I didn't say it was.

But it absolutely is harassment.

My dad was also intrusive, controlling and manipulative to me growing up. Kept making me feel under an obligation because of the blood tie even though he hadn't raised me.

No, he never sexually harassed me (thank god, I'm not downplaying how much more awful that would have been) but guys, come on. How bloody low are we setting the bar?! He didn't assault me so he's a nice guy...?!

My relationship with him was miserable and awful and I got nothing out of it except anxiety, fear, obligation, stress. Ok, the occasional expensive gift that I didn't want and wasn't worth the huge obligation cost.

I thought I'd regret going no contact. Its been 6 years and I haven't had even one twinge of doubt I did the right thing.

It's noticable how many posters are doing the classic he's family so you have to be nice to him but if you don't feel like he's family it's always going to be difficult. Be honest, if this was someones partner there'd be a few red flags here- he buys her presents she hasn't asked for, he visits without asking if it's OK and he's trying to push a level of connection that the Op doesn't want. Just because someone's family doesn't mean they can walk straight through all your boundaries

OP, i don’t blame you. It all sounds burdensome, intrusive and smothering. Perhaps his wife has a small family as well, and they are desperate for a connection. The only way to cope is to enforce strict boundaries, nothing beyond your comfort level. That will either work or cause him to be offended and distance himself. Win/win for you, either way.

I agree with everything @billy1966 and @Testina and @Mummy08 & others have said. You are not horrible /awful/cold/ unkind for not wanting this relationship. Ignore all the posters trying to tell you this; they can't understand what it's like in your shoes. Yes you made some mistakes in not putting your foot down earlier, accepting gifts etc but that's OK, you were young and unsure how to deal with a very pushy,weirdly insistent older man.

I also have half siblings I wasn't brought up with who I met as an adult. Some much older and some closer in age to me. They are nice enough people but luckily we all knew we didn't have enough in common to sustain any sort of long term contact. One is extremely and vocally religious with views I find unacceptable, that alone was a deal-breaker for me.

I think you need to write a brief, to the point letter. Not an email, a real letter in the post. Explain you understand he wants a close, high level of contact relationship but it isn't what you want or need. State you feel it's gone too far with visits and presents etc and you are now withdrawing so all that will now stop. Say you understand he'll be hurt by this and you are sorry, but it's what is right for you and your family. Wish him well, sign off. Don't reply to any response.

You need to have a conversation with him, or your resentment is going to build and you're going to really hurt him.

Obviously the set up above isn't going to be enough for him. It's your ideal, but not his.

How much, if any, are you willing to compromise?

If you actually gave him some attention he wouldn't have to try so hard and appear so needy.

You are coming across as selfish and severely lacking in empathy.

I don't think youre horrible at all.

Don't get me wrong, I feel a bit sorry for him wanting a closer relationship than you do - he clearly has an emotional need for a sibling, which you do not...So I agree with the advice you've had about boundaries (and think he's definitely overstepped natural boundaries).

I'd be careful about being blunt, but would restrict communications to Christmas and birthday cards.

Having come back to read more - yes, you definitely need to put boundaries in place. Be up front and tell him that some of his actions make you feel uncomfortable. If you can find a middle ground, then great. If he can’t respect that, that may reflect more on him. I do think you’ve been a bit dismissive, but I can see that his lack of boundaries has put you on the back foot all this time, and it’s hard to feel a genuine connection with someone so suffocating.

OP I confess to not having read the full thread, but I have read all your posts, so apologies if doubling up on advice. I understand the dilemma but what I think the biggest issue seems to be your reluctance to find some deeper empathy for your DB, while also taking control of your part of the relationship and providing an appropriate level of honesty. Of course, if you keep meeting with someone you’re “putting up” with and humouring and effectively lying to someone by omission they are always going to be a stranger to you and you will always feel their presence as an imposition. Because you say you’re a people pleaser and he is a lot older, it seems as though you’ve just tried to go with the flow and (now that no longer works for you) you think your only option is to cut the whole thing dead.

perhaps it might be possible for you to imagine, from his pov, what it might have been like growing up without his dad and later discovering he had a half sibling (but only after your dads death?) Do you know much about his childhood, whether it was easy and loving or not? Being a single mum can be really hard - he may have experienced some tricky times being raised by one (I am one, so I don’t say that with any judgement). Perhaps when he found out about you he imagined what HE would have liked when he had been your age (a sibling visiting uni) and tried to provide you with it? Perhaps he sees himself as a little bit responsible now your dad has gone and he is a lot older than you?

Maybe, by thinking about his situation empathetically and with a little less judgement you can reframe what he has been doing not as peculiar and desperate, but as an act of love (albeit and unwelcome one as far as you’re concerned). Some people (especially those deprived of close family connections) do feel that the biological connection is meaningful, and it does seem as though he has certainly been more than prepared to put effort into the relationship.

Maybe now you’re older it’s time to set aside some time, see him just the two of you and talk to him more honestly but compassionately about your feelings. Perhaps you can find a middle ground you’re comfortable with and say that, for instance, you’d love to meet up as families a couple of time a year for a day - while your kids are little can he come your way? When they all get older a day out together somewhere (national trust place / event) might work? It’s ok to say you feel you’re letting him down, that you worry you aren’t able to reciprocate the birthday cards/gifts etc. it’s ok to admit some fault and some frailty. It’s also ok to say you need some space and some activities and moments just feel too personal and intimate to share (eg Christmas/family holidays). it’s ok to say you don’t know if you can remember to always be sending birthday cards, and if you fail to then you worry he will be overly hurt. It would be nice to show some appreciation of the times (like when you were at uni) that he went out of his way to make a relationship with you.

Its complete fair to set boundaries, but the way you talk about it feels as though you don’t feel equipped to handle a more honest conversation and, as a result, stand to blow the whole thing up. It might be lovely for the children to have a connection as they grow. And for older children/teens to have connected older teens/young adults can be a real benefit for them (and for you as a parent).

Sorry, this is long. I guess I’m saying it doesn’t have to be so black and white. There actually is a way through this that could be mutually beneficial and enjoyable. Maybe it will always mean a bit more to him, maybe it’ll always feel a bit of a chore to you. But sometimes even a connection sustained by regular but brief meetings can become important and meaningful, if not to you then to others in the group.

I have family I only see a couple of times a year, but when you add that over a lifetime it is enough to form what feels like an important connection and on balance it’s definitely been a net positive. Perhaps you can build something that turns into the same and in 25 years you’ll be glad you did? (And perhaps your other siblings, instead of taking the piss out of him, could offer you some support and welcome him into the group by stopping by once a year, meeting him and his family etc. Even if it’s just essentially a lot of strangers having a chat over lunch, that’s hardly the most onerous annual event imaginable, and it may have emotional/practical benefits you can’t currently predict, in future).

Perhaps if you actually let him know you then you won’t constantly feel he is a complete stranger…

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Also, do give him the chance to understand and recalibrate before assuming you have to put your foot down - if he doesn’t know how you feel, how would he know that he needs to back off a bit? Just in general some transparency wouldn’t go amiss here.