To want to end relationship with my brother because I cba?

[MissChatterbox1]

Hello and thanks for reading.

Im going to sound awful for this post I know but I need to vent it and get impartial advice. I’m prepared for vipers.

Background: I have 5 half siblings. I grew up in the same house with 4 of them. We are all adults now with our own families and get on well but not close.
The fifth sibling was my dads son who is 15 years older than me and I did not grow up with and did not know or meet until after my dad died.

Met this sibling when I was 19 and they were 34. They have no other siblings.
He’s a nice man but due to the age gap and not being raised together we have 0 in common.
However due to him having no siblings he has tried really hard over the years to force a relationship.
He’s gone out of his way to make this happen. Travelling across the country to things like my graduation and the birth of my child. Sending presents and cards on birthdays and at Christmas. Always trying to ring me and arrange meet ups.
He has a wife and kids and they are also super enthusiastic to have a relationship.

Now this is where I feel an awful person. I do not reciprocate the feelings at all and find it smothering and a bit weird if I’m honest.
We have nothing in common other than sharing a dad neither of us really knew.
He makes more effort than me and my siblings do for eachother and is really over familiar. When he and his family come they insist on staying in my house when my own siblings get a hotel. I have a house with spare rooms so can’t really say no but it’s awkward.
They try and arrange joint family holidays which I make excuses not to do and send me drawings their kids have done in the post.

Because we weren’t raised together and there is a huge age gap it’s essentially a stranger trying to exert themselves into your life at every opportunity.
My other siblings I have little in common with but we have a shared history and familiarity so have our own banter and jokes and understand each others quirks and ways so I can spend a weekend with them and tell them to go away or whatever. When they’re being annoying. My nieces and nephews feel like ‘mine’ and it feels like family and not a weird chore i’m doing.

Since having my child my brother and his family have stepped it up a notch and constantly want to meet and be in contact as he’s an ‘uncle’ now.
Their kids ranging from 2 - 19 year old (massive age gaps) call me auntie and my DP uncle and it feels awkward as they are literal strangers.
My DB and his wife will try and give parenting tips on visits which comes across as rude as critical because there is no foundation of a relationship like our own siblings so it feels like a stranger/acquaintance saying it.

I have tried to distance myself over the years but they don’t get the hint. I don’t respond to calls and take days to reply to texts but they still persist. They will go through their calendar for that year until they find a date we are free for a visit even if it’s 6 months away. They send expensive and thoughtful presents for all our birthdays which makes me feel indebted to them to continue the relationship.
They've even tried to ‘book on’ to our family holidays when we’ve told them we’re going somewhere (saying they might come too and looking up tickets on their phone there and then, I’m not joking!).
They keep pestering to spend Christmas together which I’ve managed to bat off! We have loads of other very close family and now our own kids to be contending with, we don’t want to host strangers on top on Christmas Day and it’s weird they even want to spend such a day together.

I know it sounds selfish but I have loads of siblings already as does DP. Infact DP has 4 full siblings who also have families so between us we have loads of siblings, nieces and nephews which is difficult enough to keep up with. However my DB and his family demand more attention than all our siblings put together! Because they only have me as ‘family’ they put all their attention onto us.

I personally would be happy with just sending an annual Christmas card and seeing their updates via social media at most. I don’t have the time or interest.
But I don’t want to hurt them either. They are nice people. I understand they want extended family as they don’t have it, but I can’t provide it.

What do I do?

I’ve tried every kind of ‘drifting away’ method possible. I feel like the only way out is to have some kind of huge fall out and go no contact because they will go to such great lengths to maintain this relationship that there is no other way. Even if I up and moved to Australia I have 0 doubt they’d use their annual leave to visit annually. That’s how full on they are.

I see that he’s a bit full on, and if you were just asking about limiting contact a bit and putting some boundaries in place I’d be on your side. But frankly you’re being totally unreasonable. You keep saying he’s a stranger - but he’s not, is he? He’s been in your life for multiple years, he visits, spends time with you, talks on the phone. Calling him a “stranger” is just mean.

You said you didn’t meet him until after your father died. Is there more emotion around your parents, your father having a previous life, etc, caught up in this rejection of him?

YANBU I find my siblings I grew up with hard work so see them rarely, I wouldn't have the time or energy for a half sibling I don't think. Some people are more people orientated I think and sounds like your half sibling is one of those.

We have difficult relationships with some relatives but relatives are precious. I think if you are feeling intruded upon it is going to create some serious ick. It sounds like you put up with it for the sake of a relationship but now you are in the full on resentment phase because you ignored the initial feelings. I would revisit your boundaries. Something between full NC and this level of contact might be possible unless you are way past that.

That’s quite sad. He only has you as a sibling while you have others. I feel quite sorry for him. You sound awful tbh. Maybe your other half siblings feel the same about you and you don’t get their hints about them not wanting to see you, have a think about that. Poor bloke deserves better!

I feel totally sorry for him fo you think the life he was given growing up was his choice. He wants to feel a family and loved and you can't take that into consideration. I see I'm not the only one saying it either. You really need to evaluate this situation and think how awful would you feel all alone. Cmon make the effort they actually sound like they go way out the way to show there care and your not even attempting to give anything back

I feel really sad for him and his family, but I do kind of get where you are coming from. If you are not feeling it, you are not feeling it. Such a shame.
I think you will have to say something if you really want to end things full stop. Be fully honest with him and say you find the relationship too much and want to step back a bit for now. He will be hurt undoubtedly, but you need to decide which you would rather do. Spend your time thinking up plans to dissuade them from visiting, or make a quick, clean break.

Hi Op I have four half siblings, only one of whom I grew up with. I feel absolutely no bond with the three I only got to know as an adult.

As usual mumsnet has shown it's finest empathetic users in splendid fashion.

People seem to assume that because you have a genetic link, when you meet it will be all hearts and flowers and getting to know each other. All three of my half brothers are pretty much strangers to me.

I'm sure some people will say I'm a horrible person, but like you I have met them and know I have no common ground with them. I feel bad for them because they all have different mums so are effectively each the only child of that union. However they all have grown up with half siblings of their own that they are close to. I'd be happy to meet up with them a couple of times a year for a meal, but it would be an effort rather than a joy. Whereas I'd walk over hot coals for my siblings (and have for the half sibling I grew up with, who I only ever think of as my sister iyswim).

My DS hasn't even spoken to our latest half sibling as she's now been through this scenario twice of having a new family member, realising they don't connect and doesn't even want to do it again.

I will also say that two of my in laws also found out they had a half sister as adults. Even the one that did try and forge a relationship eventually came to nothing. I don't think it's at all uncommon.

Don't beat yourself up OP, you can't choose your family and if it doesn't fit why force something that doesn't feel right?

I think responses here have been very harsh. Finding a sibling as an adult is totally different to one you’ve grown up with and the bottom line is you don’t feel comfortable with the high level of contact and closeness this man is pushing on you. And that’s ok.

How often do we read on here that women should assert boundaries and not let men trample over them in the spirit of being ‘nice’ or ‘kind’? Yet when a woman posts on here feeling smothered and overwhelmed by excessive contact from someone she feels no particular connection with, all that goes out of the window and she’s basically told she’s a massive bitch because he needs a family from somewhere. Ok then.

It sounds very intense and bottom line is you do not owe this man and his family any type of relationship you’re not comfortable with. Can you have a chat and explain that you’re really glad you found each other and you value having him and his family in your life but you’re finding it a tricky relationship to navigate, having not grown up together and being a naturally more private person. Ask him to give you a bit more space to allow whatever type of sibling relationship you might end up having to grow naturally and make clear that you’re feeling pressured. If he doesn’t back off then you might need to be a bit more blunt and risk a proper falling out. But that’s ok. You don’t have to sacrifice what you want and need in order to ensure this man gets what he wants and needs. And don’t let the typically wild responses on AIBU convince you otherwise.

I know they're not directly related, but could you bring him in to wider sibling group, so that the pressure is diluted?

Although you don't feel that connection. Your DC will, as he will have always been their uncle and his DC their cousins. It could be a source of support and connection that they are glad of.

It also sounds like part of your very strong reaction is nothing to do with your brother, but maybe with your mutual dad and whatever complications surround that.

But he's not a stranger, at all. He's your family.

You don't have to spend all the time with him but NC is just dramatic and selfish.

I definitely think you can enforce some boundaries here.

Family is so valuable - however they come about. I think cutting off a half brother like this is awful. He seems a wonderful uncle for your children (even though they have loads already).

He has no other extended family - can’t you make a tiny bit of space for him?

I find it so odd that people put genetic connections on such a pedestal. This is really no different from someone trying to force you to be their friend and to engineer closeness, except that this man feels entitled to because he is technically related to you. I have siblings I lived with growing up and ones I did not. It is a totally different relationship - you are so right that shared experiences and history are what build that feeling of "family".

If you don't want to have an "it's not you, it's me" break-up style conversation with him, all you can really do is ramp up the distancing. Ignore the calls, politely decline all invitations or suggestions to visit.

It's funny isn't it - so many posts on here will say - set your boundaries, don't put up with people trying to force relationships with you. And yet the minute, the very second there's some form of genetic link - all previous bets are off. It is expected you spend every waking moment together, allow them to walk over every boundary you have. Even if you don't like them, in fact especially if you don't like them the not-liking-them is actually your fault.

The OP feels no connection with this person - she didn't click, but felt some obligation to be polite, to be nice and now it's too much. She's chosen to use the word 'stranger' to describe that emotion.

So Misschatterbox - your emotions and feelings about this man are totally fine - they are your feelings and you are entitled to experience them. They are not wrong and you are not at fault.

What to do about it, is not so simple and frankly depends upon how brave you're feeling.

There's the Nuclear option of calling him and saying look, I'm sorry but I feel this relationship has run its course and I will be backing out. Wish you the best - Goodbye.

Or there's being more consistent with your boundaries, eg
tell him hour long calls are too much - family, work pressure etc. and certainly not talking to his youngest - that's just daft and forcing you and young nephew / niece into a situation neither of you feels comfortable with. So you either tell him - brief calls, or after 15 mins - say Oops young child has just kicked the dog and I've got to go.

tell him, that given the current economic situation the expensive Christmas / birthday presents are too much, and suggest a £5 limit and just for the children. Heavens I've had this conversation with my sister back in the day so totally appropriate.

when he asks to visit - suggest meeting half way for a day / overnight. If he want to visit you - tell him you feel uncomfortable with house guests so here are some local hotels etc.

Work out some phrases and practise saying them out aloud. Think through how he may counter them and come up with some responses.

If he doesn't take the hint - then he's just forcing a relationship on to you you don't ant and you're back to the nuclear option.

My bottom line on this - you don't owe this man a relationship just because you have the same father.

I too feel sorry for him. He hasn't had the benefit of a shared biography with 4 half siblings that you do and is happy to have found what he thinks of as extended 'family' in adulthood.

That said, I'm surprised he hasn't sensed something is off given your attitude.
What age is your child, @MissChatterbox1 ? How do they get on with him and his family? I'm tended to feel a child can never have too many doting aunties and uncles and in your place, would want to foster a relationship with extended family for that reason.

That said:

When he and his family come they insist on staying in my house when my own siblings get a hotel. I have a house with spare rooms so can’t really say no but it’s awkward.
They try and arrange joint family holidays which I make excuses not to do

I can see how this must feel really intense, particularly if you don't have that sort of relationship with your other siblings that you grew up with.

Did you always feel this strongly about it, or is since you've had a child the feelings are more intense?

Twice you've mentioned age gaps, it's not necessary. He is your brother full stop whatever age. Really irrelevant.
It's how people are as people bot their ages.

What about your other three siblings - does he have close contact with them too? How did/do they deal with it?

I think people are being really harsh.

I don't think you are an awful person for not wanting to have a close relationship with him and his family. But I think you need to be quite honest with him, otherwise it's not fair on him. He is thinking of you as a family and makes a lot of effort, while you find him a bit of a burden.

Agree, be kind. Turn the situation around and your him, how would you feel?

I’ve got no family if I found I had a half sibling when I had no others I’d make the effort to, he sounds lovely even if a tad over the top (if he’s never had a sibling he’s trying his hardest!) you sound quite bitter that you’ve got a half sibling which is a shame as you may need them one day!

You're allowed to have a relationship or not however you choose, that's up to you, this is your life.

However, it sounds as though you decided from the very beginning that you wouldn't be close to him and you've closed your mind to any of his attempts to build that relationship. I wonder if you resent him because of your opinion of your father, when in fact, you have that in common.

If you'd been open to building something with him you could have had a great relationship, regardless of age or any other circumstance. He is your brother.

Honestly, I think you're really lucky to have him. He's a half brother and takes a real interest in your life. My own full brother is OK but isn't even a tenth as involved with me. He takes some interest sometimes but generally no. I see him face to face about twice a year. I would like to have a sibling who I was more connected to.

What a horror you are. You don't deserve such a lovely man in your life.

@MissChatterbox1 is there a bit of a class or money or culture difference between you and your brother? You emphasise you have ‘nothing in common’ with him several times. Is there something about this that rubs you up the wrong way? Or is it the link with your dad you didn’t really know that you don’t like?

Though I can understand your feelings it might be better to just explain you find the problem behaviours a bit full on, and if he could just relax a bit might be your best bet for a quieter life.

All the posters saying "but he's family" make me wonder how you define family. For me, it isn't just having a DNA link to someone. If I found out tomorrow that my brother wasn't biologically related to me by some fluke, he'd still be my brother. Many of the posters saying he's your family are basing that on you having the same father (whom neither of you had much of a relationship with). So if either of you had a DNA test and found out that man wasn't your father, would he still be your brother?

I don't think the OP owes him anything on the basis of "family" however I can think that and still feel very sorry for the man.

The trouble is Op that you have a completely different view of this to your half DB. If he grew up as an only child he might have always wanted a sibling and be thrilled to have finally met you, whereas you already had siblings and just wanted a casual relationship. He's pushing for the close relationship he thinks you would have had but by coming on so strong he's actually frightening you off. Is there are way you can see him now and again but without it being a big intense occasion? If he keeps trying to get into your life uninvited I can see you falling out with him which would be a shame