To want to end relationship with my brother because I cba?

[MissChatterbox1]

Hello and thanks for reading.

Im going to sound awful for this post I know but I need to vent it and get impartial advice. I’m prepared for vipers.

Background: I have 5 half siblings. I grew up in the same house with 4 of them. We are all adults now with our own families and get on well but not close.
The fifth sibling was my dads son who is 15 years older than me and I did not grow up with and did not know or meet until after my dad died.

Met this sibling when I was 19 and they were 34. They have no other siblings.
He’s a nice man but due to the age gap and not being raised together we have 0 in common.
However due to him having no siblings he has tried really hard over the years to force a relationship.
He’s gone out of his way to make this happen. Travelling across the country to things like my graduation and the birth of my child. Sending presents and cards on birthdays and at Christmas. Always trying to ring me and arrange meet ups.
He has a wife and kids and they are also super enthusiastic to have a relationship.

Now this is where I feel an awful person. I do not reciprocate the feelings at all and find it smothering and a bit weird if I’m honest.
We have nothing in common other than sharing a dad neither of us really knew.
He makes more effort than me and my siblings do for eachother and is really over familiar. When he and his family come they insist on staying in my house when my own siblings get a hotel. I have a house with spare rooms so can’t really say no but it’s awkward.
They try and arrange joint family holidays which I make excuses not to do and send me drawings their kids have done in the post.

Because we weren’t raised together and there is a huge age gap it’s essentially a stranger trying to exert themselves into your life at every opportunity.
My other siblings I have little in common with but we have a shared history and familiarity so have our own banter and jokes and understand each others quirks and ways so I can spend a weekend with them and tell them to go away or whatever. When they’re being annoying. My nieces and nephews feel like ‘mine’ and it feels like family and not a weird chore i’m doing.

Since having my child my brother and his family have stepped it up a notch and constantly want to meet and be in contact as he’s an ‘uncle’ now.
Their kids ranging from 2 - 19 year old (massive age gaps) call me auntie and my DP uncle and it feels awkward as they are literal strangers.
My DB and his wife will try and give parenting tips on visits which comes across as rude as critical because there is no foundation of a relationship like our own siblings so it feels like a stranger/acquaintance saying it.

I have tried to distance myself over the years but they don’t get the hint. I don’t respond to calls and take days to reply to texts but they still persist. They will go through their calendar for that year until they find a date we are free for a visit even if it’s 6 months away. They send expensive and thoughtful presents for all our birthdays which makes me feel indebted to them to continue the relationship.
They've even tried to ‘book on’ to our family holidays when we’ve told them we’re going somewhere (saying they might come too and looking up tickets on their phone there and then, I’m not joking!).
They keep pestering to spend Christmas together which I’ve managed to bat off! We have loads of other very close family and now our own kids to be contending with, we don’t want to host strangers on top on Christmas Day and it’s weird they even want to spend such a day together.

I know it sounds selfish but I have loads of siblings already as does DP. Infact DP has 4 full siblings who also have families so between us we have loads of siblings, nieces and nephews which is difficult enough to keep up with. However my DB and his family demand more attention than all our siblings put together! Because they only have me as ‘family’ they put all their attention onto us.

I personally would be happy with just sending an annual Christmas card and seeing their updates via social media at most. I don’t have the time or interest.
But I don’t want to hurt them either. They are nice people. I understand they want extended family as they don’t have it, but I can’t provide it.

What do I do?

I’ve tried every kind of ‘drifting away’ method possible. I feel like the only way out is to have some kind of huge fall out and go no contact because they will go to such great lengths to maintain this relationship that there is no other way. Even if I up and moved to Australia I have 0 doubt they’d use their annual leave to visit annually. That’s how full on they are.

They sound nice you sound horrible. Why wouldn't you want to have as many lovely people in your life as possible?

@oldestmumaintheworld Because I don’t have much in common with them so I’m essentially forcing myself to spend time with people I don’t feel any connection with?

Imagine a random person, of the opposite sex, 15 years old than you, that you have little in common with, coming and spending an entire weekend in your house with their wife and kids. Imagine them also ringing you weekly wanting hour long calls and putting you on the phone to their little children and teenagers to ‘chat’.

Seriously, imagine a random person from your work you have nothing in common with and finding out your related and them then expecting annual family holidays, weekly calls and weekends away.

A lot of us don’t have much in common with our own families but we maintain relationships due to shared history and experiences which bonds us. If you took that away most people probably wouldn’t bother?

Poor man, making an effort and you want to reject him

Ahh I feel really sorry for him. You’re very lucky to have an extended family and people in your life who love and care for you, think of you, are kind and thoughtful. What a privileged position you are in and what a shame you can’t find it within yourself to allow him into your life in a more meaningful way.

He sounds nice, I'd treat them as good family friends who are part of your life. I think you are getting hung up on him being a half brother who's older and thinking the only people you should have in life are ones you grew up with.
What about Dh's family they were strangers till you met Dh.

The problem here is that he feels that there is an important relationship just because of the family tie, and you feel that the family tie is unimportant - having grown up with people is the thing that makes you feel that they are "yours". I don't think he's weird or smothering; you just have very different ways of thinking about family relationships. Also, you haven't "clicked" with him, so even after years, he still feels like a stranger.

There is no easy way out of this. If you want to cut ties with him and his family, you are going to cause an awful lot of hurt - you just need to decide if your desire to be free of him is worth the pain you will cause.

What does your DP think of your brother and his family? Does he like them, and not mind spending time with them?

You say he's a nice man, and you also say that he still seems like a stranger. Have you tried talking to him in more depth, and trying to get to know him better?

Cut him off if you really want to, OP - but don't underestimate the value of having people in your life who really care about you. I bet your brother would come through for you if you needed help.

How sad. He is your family. You sound horrible

Succinctly put!

It’s very overfamiliar. I wouldn’t like it at all.

The fact is he isn't a random guy, he is family, which he obviously thinks is important.

How do you still feel he is a stranger when he has stayed in your home? Surely you've talked during that time.

Your relationship is yours to do as you like, but if you don't want to continue with it, maybe speak to him honestly.

They sound like complete arseholes, being nice and sending you stuff.
Go NC

Imagine you're him, with no other family. You'd make the effort too.

I have exactly the same situation, an older half brother who I didn't grow up with and don't have much in common with and I make the effort because he doesn't have that many other people and he's my family.

Hmme, well if he's nice and you like him why have you not tried to get to know him? He's only a 'random: because you have some time in your head about only being connected to and making an effort for people you lived with. How do you make close friendships or don't you have any? Fair enough if you found him to be an awful person and wanted to distance (plenty of people do this with people they did grow up with). However, I'm not quite sure why you wouldn't give him a chance.

They sound like they are ecstatic to have you in their family OP, all that effort they are making really warmed my heart.

To be honest, if you can't be bothered, they are better off without you not the other way around. Ignoring them and wanting to stage a huge fall out with them so you don't have to talk to them, the issue isn't with them and i think you need to get to the bottom of why you feel this way.

If you do really want to push him away, then you need to tell him what you have told us. That should do it! It will cause a lot of hurt and there may be no going back. I've had family disregard me like I don't matter due to issues they have and it's not easy. I needed therapy so please do think about the effect this is going to have

I just hope you don't regret it if you do decide to cut him and his family off.

I find it odd you keep saying he’s basically a stranger when it seems you’ve been in each other’s lives for several years and regular contact. Perhaps you’re projecting feelings towards your dad into him as he sounds like a lovely guy and nothing is ringing alarm bells apart from your behaviour.

He sounds lovely and you sound incredibly ungrateful.

It stood out that you say you get on well with your other siblings but that you aren't close. Do you struggle with getting too close to people in general?

You also keep saying you have nothing in common with his family whilst at the same time refusing to do anything that might give you something in common. If you spent the time together that he seems to want to, you'd end up with lots of shared experiences that would give you stuff to chat and laugh about.

I feel really sad for him that he got you as his only sibling. I hope his future will be filled with his children and their families and that will give him the loving extended family he deserves.

I think, you need to be blunt and honest with him. In a 1-2-1

its going to be brutal, cos he does sounds like he’s doing his best, but if it’s not what you want, or you need it to back off a bit, then you need what you need.

Maybe you can couch it in terms of setting some boundaries, but, from what you describe, maybe you want zero contact.

I don’t want to say you are either of the reasonable, I just think it’s a rubbish situation that’s getting out of control.

His behaviour is clearly very intense and intrusive. But if you post in AIBU, you'll mainly get people wanting to tell you just how utterly unreasonable you are. Try again in Relationships, may be?

This strikes a bit of fear in me. I'm adopted and made contact last year with my 2 half brothers. One hasn't maintained much of a relationship and that's fine. He's been nice but we don't meet up or message. I send birthday and Christmas cards but that's it, more or less. He's the same with our other brother.
The other brother has fully embraced our relationship and our families have spent the year getting to know each other. We send photos of the kids, congratulate them on achievements and meet up regularly both with and without the children. I've also made a good friendship with my SIL.
If I thought he was feeling like you, I would be so upset. Not because it's his duty as family but because he knows me now, so it would feel personal.
That being said, dh and I have lots of siblings and prefer the company of some over others. We invite them on our own terms and we just say no if we don't fancy doing something. I'm not sure it has to be all or nothing.

I'm with you OP. I have a cousin like this (I have great close cousins on one side who I grew up with, and one on the other side who I never met until adulthood) and he seems a decent person as much as I can tell, but I have no desire for another person in my life when I'm barely able to find time to keep up with my own friends and close family. Life is busy!

However, it doesn't matter how you are related or how nice the person is. Nobody ever has any right to force you into a relationship you do not want. You make your own decisions. Be polite of course, but don't be forced. It's not okay.

As to how you slowly eke him out of your life, I suggest busyness. My cousin eventually got the hint but it did take a couple of years. I was always busy, rarely specified what I was busy with. The other option is to be honest in the kindest way you can, and again use busyness as a reason. It is really hard though.

I think you're being incredibly harsh. However, I also understand why. I grew up without a father, but I knew his name and I know he has 2 other children out there. I also know that part of me has spent years wondering what he was like (I know he died a few years ago) but also wondering about the rest of my relatives who I've never met.
I wouldn't want to force myself upon these people, but, there is always that thing of wondering who you are like, what personality traits you share etc and, out of morbid curiosity more than anything, if I had the opportunity, I'd love to spend time getting to know them. I have 2 other brothers, so it's not like I'm an only child, but I think, if I didn't have them, I would be even more keen to spend time with 'new' relatives that I'd found out about.

Can't you just see the visits with him as kind of like spending time with an older relative, something you don't want to do very often, but you know it's kind of a moral obligation once in a while? Failing that, maybe tell him that it's not easy for you to have people to your home anymore and meet up at hotels or restaurants?

I wouldn't like this either. I have a (younger) half-brother who, at one stage, kept trying to get in contact and I just wasn't interested. He's the son of my feckless, aggressive, estranged dad, from a second wife who I barely knew, they weren't married long. I felt cynical that my half-brother wanted support from me (financial or otherwise - I had reasons for suspecting this) but even if he didn't, he was a complete stranger to me. Anyway I managed to give cool enough replies that he gave up in the end.

I don't believe in the importance of a genetic link. If you haven't grown up together, and don't feel you want to be friends, you don't owe him anything. I chuckled at the pp who said "but you didn't grow up with your dh either, is he not family". That's so not comparable! You chose your dh, you love him, you have things in common with him (maybe age, values, interests, etc). You haven't chosen this man as family. You have nothing in common and you don't particularly like him. Who cares if he's a nice man. Millions of nice men out there that I don't exchange Christmas presents with.

Where you went wrong was going along with all this. Why invite him and his family to your house? You should have been much firmer and more boundaried from the start. This will require a long gradual back-pedalling.

I'm going against the grain here. I don't think you sound horrible; however, I do feel you could set some boundaries to. For example, have a conversation with him, one to one, and tell him that you are not comfortable with house guests, and he is to book accommodation and not expect to stay at your home.

He sounds quite lonely and desperate for a family connection which is quite sad. Try and see things from his perspective about him needing that family connection and perhaps with the boundaries in place, you can work on building a relationship.

I feel kind of sorry for him.

But also I don't think you're in the wrong to want to step back on the intensity of a relationship with someone you feel no affinity with.

Be careful who you shit on on the way up