To want to end relationship with my brother because I cba?

[MissChatterbox1]

Hello and thanks for reading.

Im going to sound awful for this post I know but I need to vent it and get impartial advice. I’m prepared for vipers.

Background: I have 5 half siblings. I grew up in the same house with 4 of them. We are all adults now with our own families and get on well but not close.
The fifth sibling was my dads son who is 15 years older than me and I did not grow up with and did not know or meet until after my dad died.

Met this sibling when I was 19 and they were 34. They have no other siblings.
He’s a nice man but due to the age gap and not being raised together we have 0 in common.
However due to him having no siblings he has tried really hard over the years to force a relationship.
He’s gone out of his way to make this happen. Travelling across the country to things like my graduation and the birth of my child. Sending presents and cards on birthdays and at Christmas. Always trying to ring me and arrange meet ups.
He has a wife and kids and they are also super enthusiastic to have a relationship.

Now this is where I feel an awful person. I do not reciprocate the feelings at all and find it smothering and a bit weird if I’m honest.
We have nothing in common other than sharing a dad neither of us really knew.
He makes more effort than me and my siblings do for eachother and is really over familiar. When he and his family come they insist on staying in my house when my own siblings get a hotel. I have a house with spare rooms so can’t really say no but it’s awkward.
They try and arrange joint family holidays which I make excuses not to do and send me drawings their kids have done in the post.

Because we weren’t raised together and there is a huge age gap it’s essentially a stranger trying to exert themselves into your life at every opportunity.
My other siblings I have little in common with but we have a shared history and familiarity so have our own banter and jokes and understand each others quirks and ways so I can spend a weekend with them and tell them to go away or whatever. When they’re being annoying. My nieces and nephews feel like ‘mine’ and it feels like family and not a weird chore i’m doing.

Since having my child my brother and his family have stepped it up a notch and constantly want to meet and be in contact as he’s an ‘uncle’ now.
Their kids ranging from 2 - 19 year old (massive age gaps) call me auntie and my DP uncle and it feels awkward as they are literal strangers.
My DB and his wife will try and give parenting tips on visits which comes across as rude as critical because there is no foundation of a relationship like our own siblings so it feels like a stranger/acquaintance saying it.

I have tried to distance myself over the years but they don’t get the hint. I don’t respond to calls and take days to reply to texts but they still persist. They will go through their calendar for that year until they find a date we are free for a visit even if it’s 6 months away. They send expensive and thoughtful presents for all our birthdays which makes me feel indebted to them to continue the relationship.
They've even tried to ‘book on’ to our family holidays when we’ve told them we’re going somewhere (saying they might come too and looking up tickets on their phone there and then, I’m not joking!).
They keep pestering to spend Christmas together which I’ve managed to bat off! We have loads of other very close family and now our own kids to be contending with, we don’t want to host strangers on top on Christmas Day and it’s weird they even want to spend such a day together.

I know it sounds selfish but I have loads of siblings already as does DP. Infact DP has 4 full siblings who also have families so between us we have loads of siblings, nieces and nephews which is difficult enough to keep up with. However my DB and his family demand more attention than all our siblings put together! Because they only have me as ‘family’ they put all their attention onto us.

I personally would be happy with just sending an annual Christmas card and seeing their updates via social media at most. I don’t have the time or interest.
But I don’t want to hurt them either. They are nice people. I understand they want extended family as they don’t have it, but I can’t provide it.

What do I do?

I’ve tried every kind of ‘drifting away’ method possible. I feel like the only way out is to have some kind of huge fall out and go no contact because they will go to such great lengths to maintain this relationship that there is no other way. Even if I up and moved to Australia I have 0 doubt they’d use their annual leave to visit annually. That’s how full on they are.

He's trying to get to know you over the years but can only go on what you give him. Which clearly isn't a lot!

Your other siblings don't need to be in touch much as individuals because you are in touch as a group. When you meet a sibling there will be a bit of 'Sib 1's had flu, poor kid, and sib 4 needs a hip replacement!' Everyone is in touch with everyone else, so no one needs to be in touch a lot.

Your other brother has only you to connect through. You are his kids' aunt, his only sister. If he isn't in touch with you, there's no third party connection.

You could have a dc that's got barely anything in common with him, but is his uncle's spitting image. Traits skip a generation. One of my cousins bounced while he walked, was golden haired, and an anomaly in the living family. He's the image of a great uncle though- you can see it in photos.

I think the problem is you have indulged all of this over the years. He's not that strange to want a close relationship, you're not strange in not wanting that either but you're bonkers to not instill boundaries. You're a grown woman, how have you let this go on for so long? Even the uni visits, it's ridiculous you agreed to them instead of making it clear you're busy and ignoring him. How can he take the hint when you've just gone along for anything? And now you think the only solution is a massive fallout?

did not know or meet until after my dad died

Does this mean he was abandoned by your dad or did his mother stop them seeing each other? He obviously needs a family connection (whereas you don't because you have the other siblings) and is overdoing it. Of course you don't have as much in common as you do with those you grew up with but the age gap is not the real issue at all. I feel sorry for him.

Frankly you shouldn't have let things get to this stage. Try to distance yourself gently and definitely don't accept any more big gifts off him, it isn't fair.

I go on about the age thing as I think it’s really relevant.

If we’d met when I was 19 and he was 21 then chances are we’d have more in common. We’d both be at uni or similar life stages. We’d have an understanding of the current ‘things’ in our generation whether it be a popular tv show most other young people like or current topics effecting us like getting on the property ladder, finding internships, gap years or whatever.
Maybe we’d have friendship groups that would hang out together or something.

But your average everyday 19 year old female student tends to have little in common with your everyday 34 year working man with kids. It’s just a fact.

Now in my thirties I do have friends of all ages from 25 - 60 through work, hobbies and parenting etc. But that will be because of common interests. However I don’t have any 19 year old student friends and doubt I’d find anything in common with your average 19 year old student now. So the fact he really pursued the relationship despite the age gap, little in common and life stages etc I do find relevant.

I agree. They don't lovely and you sound horrible.

I don't have a brother, maybe he'd like me?

Poor man.

You need to be honest with him about what type of relationship you want or don't want to have with him and his family.

It will be awkward, but I don't think it's fair for him to keep spending money and time on you if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Just have an adult conversation with him and tell him the truth.

I feel a bit sorry for him too but the key thing here is that you just don't want a relationship with him and you're entitled to see that through. You don't owe anyone your time and so I'd be inclined to either, as kindly as possible, tell him that, or step up the hints.

Whilst I understand other posters saying he seems lovely etc. that's irrelevant. You are entitled to choose who you have in your life AND in your home and you don't choose him and his family.

What a lovely “problem to have”
you don’t know him as you haven’t made an effort to know him. You are all he has with a family link. I get that as I only have one DB and he is my world next to my DH and DC.
i would be trying to be a bit more compassionate and understanding. No you don’t have to go on holidays and Christmas meet ups but you bad make an effort. If not for him for his DC who haven’t got an aunt.

I actually agree with you OP and think you are getting some harsh replies. I would probably try and distance myself.

You say they grew up with no siblings, so they are probably very attached to the family link bur it doesn't mean the same to you. The age gap would also play a part.

Reading your updates @MissChatterbox1 I would really, really struggle with that level of intrusion.

The age thing-

He was old enough to realise it was significant despite having nothing in common with you.

Had you been 19 and him 26 for example, you may have had nothing in common and he may have had little interest in family.

When you have your own kids you suddenly notice the significance of family and relationship. You notice your dad was actually crap, and your mum narcissistic, or suddenly understand why mum was overprotective.

Had he been younger he may have had no interest in you at all.

You have none in him because he's just another relative and you have loads.

I'm so surprised you're having such battering on here. They may be nice people, but my goodness they're not your responsibility. Just because they want a close relationship doesn't mean you should be forced to agree. I think all you can do is continue to politely keep your distance but I think I'd be frank about not having capacity for anyone else at Christmas.

I think go NC because he's wasting his time and money. Poor bloke.

I agree with every word of this.

They sound very very intense - inviting themselves for xmas, trying to crash your holiday. you are not being horrible in trying to contain this relationship to what suits you.

I have mixed feelings about this as dh has a half sibling 15 years older (they had the same Dad). They have lived in different countries since ds was 10 yrs old & half sibling (hs) was 25. During those years when things were tough for dh - poor etc & hs was a fully functioning adult who made ZERO effort to stay in contact.

Fast forward to about 15 years ago- now dh is ab adult with a good career & we have a house & dc & hs suddenly reappears. Their kids are mostly grown up & they now have time for holidays & have decided that we have a nice house in a scenic location in another country & all of a sudden hs wants a close relationship

Poor dh was taken in at first & opened his arms (& house & wallet) only to slowly realise that hs has no REAL interest. No contact from one visit (holiday!!) To the next...books flights without even asking if it suits us...openly says they come coz it's a holiday.. doesn't put a hand in their wallet whilst here..etc

If they were great company or lovely & thoughtful it would be different. But they're dull company & spend ALL their time moaning & complaining about medical ailments despite only being in early 60s. Its hard work.

Dg is trying to pull back but hs has the hide of a rhino & doesn't take hints & just books the annual flights regardless. And gets odd if it clashes with something we have already planned.

It's v difficult not to feel we're being used for a free trip each year...

A lot of us don’t have much in common with our own families but we maintain relationships due to shared history and experiences which bonds us

Surely it’s also genetics? I guess try to imagine how you would feel if it was the other way round and you only had one half sibling and no other family and really wanted them to be a part of your life.

I really feel for him. He sounds nice!!

OP, you absolutely have my sympathy.

He may mean well but you feel as you do and that is absolutely your right.

You don't owe him a relationship or a part of your life.

Of course I can understand your value to him and his wish for a relationship, but he doesn't have any right to one.

That level of intrusion into my life like that would make me itch.

However much he wants a relationship with you because of his lack of family, you really are not under any obligation to meet that need.

Haven't read them, but these types of threads will attract the "women suck it up and be kind " posts, but as a post menopausal woman I think nope, you don't have to allow him to trample on your boundaries and constantly insert himself in your lives.

Staying in your home, tagging along on holidays? Nope.

Absolutely not, if that is not what you want.

I think you need to either have a chat or write him a letter.

You can try and do it kindly, but it will likely really upset him as he is so needy and is do intent on being in your life.

You can try and frame it kindly.
You have a really busy life, with a huge family and you simply are not able to, nor wish to give up all the time he requires.

You can say you have no wish to hurt him, that you really wish him well, but that you have X number of siblings and friends, a career, young children and you do not have the time.

Tell him you are happy to exchange cards, but beyond that you really do not have the time and space in your life.

This whole relationship from the beginning has been lopsided and about his needs.

Obviously you were very silly to have entertained it for so long.

Your choices are to suck it up, refuse to reply to his contacting you, or try and send a polite, 'kind as you can' letter, wishing him well but explaining you neither have the time nor the energy/interest in being closely involved.

You need to own that you are going to hurt him, and accept that.

You have indulged him for years when you didn't want to, which is why your other siblings find it so hilarious.

Most people would have put boundaries in years ago.

The alternative is to keep saying no to meeting up and have a conversation that tells him you are too busy and that you have other pressing priorities.

I do feel sorry for him, but as a woman there is always someone that needs our support, time, imput, and it gets very wearing.

Best of luck.

Recently my brother didn’t turn up to a holiday my dad booked and paid for. Said he was going to go then the day before claimed it was not possible.

he hasn’t got me a birthday present or card for 15 years. He never gets family present or cards even for Mother’s Day which makes my mum cry every year.

Id have your brother in a heartbeat.

Nobody has an absolute right, however "nice" they are, to insert themselves into your life, whoever they are. Nor try and bulldoze themselves into your own precious family holiday. Nor "insist" on inviting themselves to events you are hosting and staying in your home with their family.

However, if you want to get some distance and less intensity between them and you, you may need to stop hinting and be clearer about the level of contact you would be more comfortable with and put some proper boundaries in place. That will be hard given the time that's already elapsed but maybe that's what you may need to think about. 🌹

why not give him a call and say you’re really busy at the moment and feeling short of time and overwhelmed and that you will see him in the autumn (be vague) but you might be “off the radar” for a while.

then just ignore calls / texts etc until you want to meet on your terms in November or whenever?

COMPLETELY AGREE

I find many of the other responses really alarming. He sounds like he has absolutely no understanding of other peoples boundaries and needs.

Hm is it that he doesn’t understand or is it that OP hasn’t told him / made it clear to him?