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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want to go out now ....

147 replies

pinkybluered · 30/06/2023 09:58

A few months ago my friend asked me if I wanted to go out to her local social club for a band(not really my thing but haven't seen her for a month )
She lives 20 mins drive from me but it's a hour and two trains otherwise.
I don't have a car at the minute
Previous I have gave her petrol money and she's taken my home.
She's text today saying she will meet me at train station.
Also she has her kids so I would be sleeping on sofa and she will drop me at train station next morning.
So I would be doing a 30 min train then a 20 min wait then another 30 min train.
Probably having no sleep either as I won't sleep well on sofa
Aibu not to go ?

OP posts:

keely79 · 02/07/2023 08:33

If she is really a friend - call her and tell her what you have told us - that your anxiety is flaring up and that you don’t think you’ll be able to travel by public transport so is there any way she could drop you home rather than the station. But you completely understand if she can’t - and if so, you will make plans another time. If she knows you’re struggling, I’m sure she’ll be sympathetic

Crayfishforyou · 02/07/2023 08:38

Maybe your friend is tired of having to drive you around every time you see each other?
Take a book and some sunglasses for the journey home.
And when you get home you can have peaceful bliss

Boredofmyguts · 02/07/2023 08:42

Wonderwoman333 · 30/06/2023 11:57

She's leaving a 12 year old and a 7 year old unsupervised?

This is the bit I picked up on too!

GlassWall · 02/07/2023 08:46

5128gap · 30/06/2023 12:26

OP, you clearly have some issues that you need to find a way to manage. Social events trigger anxiety in you. Displeasing other people makes you anxious too, so you end up trading the stress of the second in the short term for the longer term stress of the first.
You need a better strategy to avoid getting into these situations.
I'd suggest first off, you be honest with friends about what you struggle with. Tell them this means you're not always going to be up for certain things.
Then when something is suggested you think about it carefully, whether it's doable for you, before you accept.
For now, your best option is to tell your friend you accepted thinking you'd have a lift and really can't face thd train. But tell her now. The longer you leave it the worse it's getting.

This.

TheBerry · 02/07/2023 08:51

I get not wanting to go, that feeling of dread, just wanting to curl up at home… I have anxiety too, I do understand, but also… you are using the anxiety as an excuse. I’ve done it too.

Don’t be flaky and cancel this late. Just suck it up and go. It might be a bit annoying and stressful, but you’ll be fine. This time tomorrow you’ll be back home. Be a decent friend.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 02/07/2023 10:40

Tbh, I wouldn’t be going to anything, that involved leaving a 12 year old and a 7 year old home alone, for any length of time at night.
And if you don’t want to go, then don’t go. Simple as that.

Hibiscrubbed · 02/07/2023 11:17

Seeleyboo · 30/06/2023 18:55

OP doesn't need to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable. How do you know what OP wants.

Show quote history

She’s seeking CBT to help tackle her anxiety. One of the methods is exposure therapy. A method of exposure is to…expose herself to the things that make her deeply anxious.

keojam80 · 02/07/2023 11:55

Anxiety aside. It sounds like a massive faff for something your not going to enjoy.
I would make your excuses. Do something else another time. It's not your thing, it's going to cost you money for something you don't like, your gonna have to sleep on a sofa in someone else's house. Would be a no for me too.

TammyJones · 02/07/2023 12:56

@keojam80
As above
Your 'friend' is making you jumps through hoops , for something you don't want to and helping- she's needs ti relax the day after - lol
Glad I don't have friends like this.
Glad some good food and settling down with a good film.
Let her do some running.

TammyJones · 02/07/2023 12:56

**not helping you - giving you a lift or a decent bed ti sleep in.

RLT24 · 02/07/2023 13:07

Ok your anxiety seems very severe and life limiting so I would definitely seek some support with that, however it is real and therefore you don’t really sound well enough to do the journey as you describe. You should be able to explain that to a real friend - do you feel you can? Just tell her your anxiety is really bad at the moment and you’re worried about getting the train home the next day after not sleeping and could she please compromise and give you a lift home but you’ll get the train there otherwise unfortunately you won’t be able to make it on this occasion. If your anxiety improves perhaps you can make that journey by train in the future. However you can’t really use the excuse of being too hungover as you are in complete control of how much you drink.

Also she needs to start meeting you halfway or take turns coming to your area and vice versa not you always going to her area.

It’s extremely concerning that she is leaving 2 kids aged 12 and 7 at home alone - that is not ok.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 02/07/2023 13:33

Lots of this really isn't adding up tbh...

Coolhwip · 02/07/2023 13:59

She has changed the goalposts on the usual arrangements so you are perfectly entitled to say no.

I wouldn’t want to go either.

Say no and save up for driving lessons.

doorstopper123 · 02/07/2023 14:05

Just go. You may have fun

Why don't you invite her to yours next time?

ohdamnitjanet · 02/07/2023 14:54

2 hours for you is a long time tbf, but your 25 min car drive is nearly an hour for her and quite honestly I wouldn’t want to do it, plus I’d want a drink. Go this time, be a good friend and suck it up, but don’t say yes next time.

Tillow4ever · 03/07/2023 16:17

Out of curiosity, I just looked up your journey on Google maps. It’s 30 miles, 44 mins drive each way. If your friend would pick you up and take you home, that’s 120 miles, and almost 3 hours in the car to do you a favour for - that you give her a tenner for in fuel. Even if you gave her a tenner each way, she’d be doing that trip at a massive loss, that’s nowhere near enough to cover her fuel. That might be the real reason she’s making you get the train! Or maybe she doesn’t want to leave her kids alone for that length of time.

Why is your friend leaving such young children alone whilst you both go out drinking? That’s incredibly irresponsible. The 12 year old should not be responsible for a 7 year old.

I’m sorry about your anxiety, and hope it improves. But I think this situation is likely because your friend is fed up with you taking the piss. Does she give you food whilst you’re there too? Does she ever come to yours? Sounds like it might be very one way…

MichelleLG · 04/07/2023 02:42

So it's ok for your friend to go out with you and have to be sober (or enough ) to drop you off everytime, but this time she wants to go out and relax the next day so you have to get public transport so your going to bail 🤣 your some friend. Add how my hours your friend drove you up and down the road ?

Ddcg12 · 04/07/2023 02:52

Seeleyboo · 30/06/2023 12:45

OP is getting a bit of a bashing here. Clearly, not many of you can relate. I can OP. It's not so much the journey or the feeling ill or being alone or the time factor or changing trains or the kids or the sleeping on a sofa. It's everything that someone who has anxiety about not feeling safe feels deeply. I used to accept get togethers if I knew the plan details, but if anything was to change, I would start to get anxious about the changes. OP felt safe in the car....now a train....in a bed.....now a sofa....getting home without dealing with public....now full on trains and traffic...no kids.....now 2 who she will worry about in some respect. OP learn to say no. No... this is not what was planned or what we normally do. Then decline and get cosy in your own house with a bottle of wine and a film. Warm and safe. I get you.

I agree, This all sounds too overwhelming for you considering you didn't leave the house a year ago I completely understand. Tell your friend the truth if she is a true friend she will understand and if he family are going then your not letting her down she can still go. If your worried about this now it's not going to be an enjoyable night. Stay at home and rearrange something else that is more suitable.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 04/07/2023 05:26

Hibiscrubbed · 02/07/2023 11:17

She’s seeking CBT to help tackle her anxiety. One of the methods is exposure therapy. A method of exposure is to…expose herself to the things that make her deeply anxious.

Show quote history

Exposure therapy needs to be done properly, usually working with a psychologist. It is a gradual process where you are exposed to the situation/thing causing anxiety/panic in small manageable steps. It isn't just jump in there and face the thing making you anxious to the point of panic. That would be likely to result in a big step back from the progress OP has made. No good therapist would advise their client to do this.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 04/07/2023 06:26

I wouldn't go. You can meet up with her another time, when you can handle it. Baby steps. 🙂

crackfoxy · 04/07/2023 15:15

You don't have to go. Your friend does not have to drive you anywhere. Just be sure of arrangements in future so you don't let your friend down last minute. On this occasion it is clear you don't want to go so don't.

FoodFann · 04/07/2023 15:18

Maybe an air bed would make it more comfortable

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