Not to want to go out now ....

[pinkybluered]

A few months ago my friend asked me if I wanted to go out to her local social club for a band(not really my thing but haven't seen her for a month )
She lives 20 mins drive from me but it's a hour and two trains otherwise.
I don't have a car at the minute
Previous I have gave her petrol money and she's taken my home.
She's text today saying she will meet me at train station.
Also she has her kids so I would be sleeping on sofa and she will drop me at train station next morning.
So I would be doing a 30 min train then a 20 min wait then another 30 min train.
Probably having no sleep either as I won't sleep well on sofa
Aibu not to go ?

This.

Anxiety about passing out? Jeez. Just don't drink until you're drunk then! Why can't you have a few, pleasant drinks? If not just stay home, but don't moan when your friend doesn't invite you again/ you feel lonely/ bored.

just get a taxi from the venue straight home - like you say it's only 20 mins so shouldn't cost too much

I've read it all now. Shitty? I don't think it's her being shitty?

Now it's changed to no sleep due to anxiety, then the no sleep causing you to pass out rather than a hangover! Why on Earth would you be anxious not to sleep? Anxious about what?

@Puffalicious it isn't just about having a bit of anxiety ,I've got a anxiety disorder which does have a massive effect on me
I'm not saying the way I think at times is "normal"
I didn't so much as leave the house for a year -so yes to me it's a massive deal

Train - Durham - Darlington - Middlesbrough (52minutes) £10.40

Oof, you’re getting a surprisingly hard time here, OP

I feel you. I don’t have anxiety or anything, but I totally get this scenario of people-pleasing and the effort feeling like it’s out of balance.

A PP a couple of pages ago did mention whether this friendship has been outgrown. Our lives do change and so do our friendships.

I recently had this moment come to me. A very long time friend (though weddings, births, deaths) had fallen into a rinse and repeat cycle of doing what she wanted to do every time. During our last meeting, she “invited” me to a group activity she was organising. I realised the invite was no invite at all. Because I didn’t have the option to decline. Nothing good or beneficial would have come from a row or confrontation about it though, so I accepted, and then ghosted. I know ghosting is considered to be an awful thing, but I don’t owe her anything. I’d finally realised that her consideration of me had reduced to nil. Nada. Nowt. Making a conscious decision that I wasn’t going to answer another call was actually really freeing. I drove her home from that final meeting actually, so she didn’t have to take a bus.

My current circle of friends are considerate, fair and supportive. And wouldn’t give anyone a hard time for any last minute cancellations!

Well I certainly cba with all that for a local band. I'd bail but I'd also be honest as to why. It's a lot of travelling and I'm not up for it. Sorry to let you down.

I have no idea why you're worried you'd pass out in the train station.
I know everyone's experience of anxiety is different but as a fellow sufferer I have never passed out with exhaustion after a night on a sofa or during an anxiety attack. Not even close. Why would you pass out? And why on earth do you imagine this would happen in the train station?

OP, you clearly have some issues that you need to find a way to manage. Social events trigger anxiety in you. Displeasing other people makes you anxious too, so you end up trading the stress of the second in the short term for the longer term stress of the first.
You need a better strategy to avoid getting into these situations.
I'd suggest first off, you be honest with friends about what you struggle with. Tell them this means you're not always going to be up for certain things.
Then when something is suggested you think about it carefully, whether it's doable for you, before you accept.
For now, your best option is to tell your friend you accepted thinking you'd have a lift and really can't face thd train. But tell her now. The longer you leave it the worse it's getting.

Either get a taxi back afterwards or just don't go then?? If friend knows you've barely left the house for a year then i'm sure she will understand.

You’ve posted similar before? Or someone else has!

Having had zero sleep myself last night, it seems to me the chances of you passing out from lack of sleep are realistically nil.

That's a bit of a drip-feed. No suggestion of this in your OP! If friend is aware of your struggles just explain to her.

In future you'd be better posting in MH.

It's a 40 minute drive from your friends house to yours. That's 1 hr 20 round trip for your friend (when she only gets £10 petrol money so is out of pocket) Vs 1 hr 40 for you on public transport. Honestly, I can see why she doesn't want to do that after a night out! Public transport in this country isn't amazing, but if you're not in a rush to get home for any particular time or make any particular train connections, there would hopefully be less anxiety around the journey. Take a good book or some headphones to listen to music and drink lots of water when you get in from your night out (or drink less alcohol in the evening?).

@pinkybluered

one night with little sleep will not make you ill and will not give you palpitations

OP is getting a bit of a bashing here. Clearly, not many of you can relate. I can OP. It's not so much the journey or the feeling ill or being alone or the time factor or changing trains or the kids or the sleeping on a sofa. It's everything that someone who has anxiety about not feeling safe feels deeply. I used to accept get togethers if I knew the plan details, but if anything was to change, I would start to get anxious about the changes. OP felt safe in the car....now a train....in a bed.....now a sofa....getting home without dealing with public....now full on trains and traffic...no kids.....now 2 who she will worry about in some respect. OP learn to say no. No... this is not what was planned or what we normally do. Then decline and get cosy in your own house with a bottle of wine and a film. Warm and safe. I get you.

I think as you've said you would go then it would be bad form to cancel now. It's a pain, I wouldn't be thrilled either, but I think you should just suck it up this one time. Next time, maybe meet somewhere more convenient to you as you don't have a car and your friend does.

I think you are catastrophising a bit though OP, you are hardly going to "pass out" on a train after one bad night's sleep. You will be fine, go for a nap as soon as you get home.

Can you borrow a car?

Which of your CBT techniques would be helpful here?

I've never passed out in my life
I'm aware it probably won't happen but the thoughts take over
CBT tells me to write down the negative thoughts and try and counter act them
You never passed out before
If you felt tired whats the worst that can happen etc
It's hard at the time when your caught up tho

What practical things could you do to minimise the disruption/relax on the journey
-eg
get a taxi for one of the journeys.
Treat yourself to a cup of tea at Newcastle
Take a book to read on the train and earphones
Download a sleep meditation to listen to on the sofa
Take an eye mask
You can get mini pillow sprays with aromatherapy blends designed for sleep

@Seeleyboo

But op would be safe on a train, in public etc .
so she needs to challenge these anxious thoughts and do this anyway in order to see that thoughts are just thoughts and that places other than her home are safe for her. Otherwise it could be a bottle of wine and a film on her own at home every Friday night and that doesn’t sound like something she wants.

OP, you clearly don't want to go. Just save yourself any further anxiety and stress and contact your friend immediately so at least she can try to find someone else to take your ticket. Either make up an excuse (illness??) or tell the truth - presumably, as a friend, she knows you suffer from anxiety?

Do it now and then do something (your CBT perhaps) to try and calm down. One night out is really not worth all of this stress.

Nah, I couldn't be fucked with this either.

Sounds like she's going with other people anyway if I read that right, so I'd just say you're struggling with anxiety at the moment, transfer her the money for the ticket and problem over

Op you are catastrophising. I say this as someone who anxiety disorder who has also done CBT.

You are imagining scenarios that are unlikely to happen and that is causing you to go into fight or flight mode and have symptoms.

The negative things you are saying about your friend having organised this meet up is your fear trying to convince you of reasons not to do something that could ultimately be a fun experience.

An important part of your CBT treatment is exposing yourself as much as possible to the scenarios that trigger your anxiety. Going to the gig, staying at your friends house and travelling back in the morning will be good for you. Plan the journey there and the journey back but don’t plan what you will do if you feel ill and can’t stay as that is just an imagined scenario that can’t help you and will only make your symptoms worse. Maybe you will feel anxious on your way back home on the train in the morning but you will have several techniques to help you cope including breathing and distraction.

I really hope you are able to see what your anxiety is doing to you here and that you go and have a nice time with your friend and feel a bit more able to tackle the next thing that comes.