Not to want to go out now ....

[pinkybluered]

A few months ago my friend asked me if I wanted to go out to her local social club for a band(not really my thing but haven't seen her for a month )
She lives 20 mins drive from me but it's a hour and two trains otherwise.
I don't have a car at the minute
Previous I have gave her petrol money and she's taken my home.
She's text today saying she will meet me at train station.
Also she has her kids so I would be sleeping on sofa and she will drop me at train station next morning.
So I would be doing a 30 min train then a 20 min wait then another 30 min train.
Probably having no sleep either as I won't sleep well on sofa
Aibu not to go ?

I kind of do this sort of thing all the time. It's no big deal

No matter what people here are saying, you've talked yourself out of wanting to go because you expected a lift. You'd be better just owning it.

Do you regularly pass out?

You are not going to pass out after a night out and sleeping on a sofa bloody hell you're being a drama queen. Just tell her NOW that you don't want to go because you think she's an arsehole not giving you a lift and she can end the friendship you clearly don't give a shit about.

In future don't agree to plans you have no desire to follow through with

Well tell her that then. Tell her when you agreed you thought you'd be getting a lift, but now you're not, you don't want to go. Then over to her.

Can you ask her / explain more clearly?

Hi friend, I have been really looking forward to seeing you but just wanted to ask about the Sunday arrangements. Thank you very much for offering to drive me to the station, but I've unfortunately got a few things going on that mean the train journey is a bit challenging for me atm.
Google maps tells me it's actually a shorter drive to my house from yours than it is to the train station. Is there any chance you could drive me home instead? Very happy to pay for petrol of course like always.

Has your friend paid for tickets to see this band?
If yes, get on the phone to her right now and say "I realise you have bought a ticket for me but I can't now come. I will bank transfer you the money for the ticket today but I cannot come tonight"]

The bank transfer her the money for the ticket. If you do it right now, she literally has nothing to complain about and she has a pre paid ticket to give to any given friend who is also interested in seeing the band you say you are not fussed about.
If anything she has won in this scenario.

Literally the only thing I would criticise you for is not telling her right now but stringing it out until the afternoon or beyond. If she can use the ticket, she has lost nothing.

I agree. Fortunately there's the occasional pp agreeing with OP so she can feel affirmed

I don't drive and go all over the UK by public transport and never expect lifts, ever, so am a little sensitive to this. It does sound as if the friend is fed up with being used as a taxi service whereas before it was okay so something has happened.

But I agree with others, tell friend today and expect fall out but at least you won't have to go

So much is self fulfilling prophecy. I won't sleep a wink. I'll have a hangover

I think it's personally shitty that she wouldn't drop me home when I always pay her petrol
I won't sleep a wink because of anxiety and I know I will feel ill on the Sunday because of it.
If she was driving me home I would be okay as I would feel safe In her car

You sound like an incredibly draining person to be friends with.

I think you're a bit of an arse really. The one time she doesn't want to drive a 50 minute round journey in the morning after a night out, you refuse to go because you can't be bothered to get yourself back on a train.

I'm

Can I ask why you're fine to get the train there but not back, what difference does it make?

Your friend just wants to go on a night out with her friend that has been pre arranged and to not have to take responsibility for other people (a break).

You would be very unreasonable to cancel.

Maybe think these things through before agreeing to nights out?

It’s horrible being on the receiving end of flakiness like this. But I agree with PP, let her know asap.

I'm really not a arse
I've spent years doing things I don't want to do to please others
I have anxiety which I take medication for and I get CBT
This time last year I couldn't even leave the house so this is a big thing for me
I wanted to see my friend but the whole train thing etc has triggered something In me which might not make sense to others

@YeahIsaidit as I've said In my head I have convinced myself I won't sleep so the following day I will be exhausted which might trigger my panic attacks
It's the thought of being miles away and that happening
River

She's leaving a 12 year old and a 7 year old unsupervised?

So your anxiety allows you to catch one train home if you met in the city ( but she won't) but not two trains?
So, you would have slept on the sofa,( like you have done in the past) if you had a lift home, you won't now, because you're catching the train? One hour one day and one hour the next.
If you have no car at the minute, how are you living the rest of your daily life, outside of your house?

Again 🙄 not the slightest inclination to feel/think/read about so many scenarios of why friend on this first occasion is not picking you up.

"Your friend is shitty" So don't go, block your friend and don't ever speak to her again.
Why are you asking aibu?

pinkybluered · Today 11:56
I get it.

So you only have one thing to do now and that is decline the invitation. And do it right now. If you do it now then by lunchtime any anger from her will have blown over because she wont have to do any driving at all. But to be fair to her, you cannot expect her to mind read you, nor can you expect her to offer what is essentially a favour more than she has offered you already.

Goodness sake, just message her now and say you cannot come, end of story.

You can’t assume someone will give you a lift every time. It’s your responsibility to sort your own travel. Just be careful you don’t lose friends if you’re this flakey all the time.

Bit of a swing and a miss there.

Nope, when making a proposal to meet up, I’d suggest something that was mutually convenient. Or the point of the meeting was proportionate to effort of travel.

Eg my friends who live a train and bus away, I drive to a town on their train route. Or if they’re coming all the way to me, it’s because I’m putting them up comfortably overnight following a birthday BBQ, and I’ll run them home next day. Not travelling an hour and half for a flipping social club band and sofa.

I don't understand how your house is 20 mins away by car for your friend and the train station is 24 mins away by car but she'd rather collect you from the train station, causing a longer journey for her and much more time and hassle for you. Have I misunderstood the timings and the train station is a 24 minute round trip?

Does your friend have other friends at the social club she could go with?

I think in your situation, I'd just kindly decline. Tbh, I don't have anxiety but not sure I'd be wanting to have the hassle of all those trains etc unless it was something I was really really keen to do!

Or if it's just a 20 minute drive to your friend could you see if an uber can take you or at least take you back the next day.

She lives in a village called usher moor
To get there from where I live Middlesbrough
I have to take a train to Newcastle to then take another train to Durham
So I'm passing the outskirts of Durham to get to Newcastle because it doesn't go direct

Her family and other friends are going yes as it's a small village

Just be honest with her and say that you’re really sorry, when you agreed you assumed that it would be the same as usual and you’d pay petrol money and not need the train, otherwise you wouldn’t have agreed.