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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want to go out now ....

147 replies

pinkybluered · 30/06/2023 09:58

A few months ago my friend asked me if I wanted to go out to her local social club for a band(not really my thing but haven't seen her for a month )
She lives 20 mins drive from me but it's a hour and two trains otherwise.
I don't have a car at the minute
Previous I have gave her petrol money and she's taken my home.
She's text today saying she will meet me at train station.
Also she has her kids so I would be sleeping on sofa and she will drop me at train station next morning.
So I would be doing a 30 min train then a 20 min wait then another 30 min train.
Probably having no sleep either as I won't sleep well on sofa
Aibu not to go ?

OP posts:
Pkhsvd · 30/06/2023 10:35

I’m really lost; the train station is 25 minutes from hers which she will take you to but she won’t drive 20 minutes to take you home?

RoachFish · 30/06/2023 10:35

pinkybluered · 30/06/2023 10:30

It was okay when she drove me home -otherwise altogether it's nearly 2 hours to get home for a 20 /25 min car journey
The train station is 20'mins in opposite direction from hers

Jeez, she keeps moving further and further with every update. First it was an hour to go by train, the 1.5 hours, now it’s 2 hours.

just don’t go. You don’t think she’s worth the effort and for some reason you think you will pass out from exhaustion from spending one night on a sofa.

Superdupes · 30/06/2023 10:35

I would do it this time as she's a friend and I wouldn't want to let her down, but after that I'd say I found it too much and not go again unless she was willing to give a lift.
It sounds though like you've already made up your mind.

Pkhsvd · 30/06/2023 10:36

I would be honest that you don’t want to let her down but you feel anxious about the long train journey the next day.

Ply12 · 30/06/2023 10:36

Story is all over the place!!

YeahIsaidit · 30/06/2023 10:36

So you don't want to go because you might be hungover and cbf with the train. Solutions are, don't drink so much you end up hungover or get a taxi, suck it up don't agree to something and then not do it, you were BU to expect a lift in the first place

OriginalUsername2 · 30/06/2023 10:37

pinkybluered · 30/06/2023 09:58

A few months ago my friend asked me if I wanted to go out to her local social club for a band(not really my thing but haven't seen her for a month )
She lives 20 mins drive from me but it's a hour and two trains otherwise.
I don't have a car at the minute
Previous I have gave her petrol money and she's taken my home.
She's text today saying she will meet me at train station.
Also she has her kids so I would be sleeping on sofa and she will drop me at train station next morning.
So I would be doing a 30 min train then a 20 min wait then another 30 min train.
Probably having no sleep either as I won't sleep well on sofa
Aibu not to go ?

Sounds fine to me. It’s what some people do twice a day.

She’s probably fed up doing all the driving. Be cool about it.

Nordicrain · 30/06/2023 10:38

Well, I wouldn't do it.

Original poster
pinkybluered · 30/06/2023 10:41

The train station is around 25 ish mins from her but it's in the total opposite direction to me
If she drives me home it's straight on the a690
But if she doesn't I'm going 25 mins the opposite way to get to train 1
To then wait in Newcastle for a train home
Then obviously I'm walking from station to my house
So it all adds up to nearly 2 hours

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkybluered · 30/06/2023 10:42

If you add in the wait time in Newcastle for second train

OP posts:
YeahIsaidit · 30/06/2023 10:43

pinkybluered · 30/06/2023 10:42

If you add in the wait time in Newcastle for second train

Even hungover, sitting on a bench for 20 mins waiting isn't that taxing. You're making up excuses to not go

Inmydreams88 · 30/06/2023 10:44

I don’t understand then, if she’s able to drive you 24mins to train station why can’t she just drop you straight home in the morning if it’s only 20 mins to your house?

What was your initial plan before she text you yesterday saying she would pick you up from the train station?

therealtalk · 30/06/2023 10:52

Best advice, if it’s causing you anxiety or worries, then don’t go. I understand people get frustrated by last minute plans cancellations, however, there’s absolutely no point going if you’re worried as you won’t enjoy the night. In some people’s world, 1.5 hour travelling isn’t a lot, but in your world right now, it might be too much. So listen to your feelings and go with your gut. If she’s your friend, she’ll understand

BaconMassive · 30/06/2023 10:59

Just say:

"Sorry I value an hour of my time more than I value our friendship"

because that's basically what it boils down to.

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 30/06/2023 11:10

I couldn’t be arsed with this faff, no. If I knew my mate would have that sort of journey to get to me I wouldn’t be asking them to do it.

millymog11 · 30/06/2023 11:14

OP I havent read the whole thread but I have read some of your replies. I think this is one of those difficult "have i grown out of this friendship" cross roads in your life with this person.
I don't think you can legitimately demand that your friend makes extra journeys for you. You can sleep at her house, those are the terms she has offered. I think you need to say to her "I am feeling anxious about the journey and I would rather not come now sorry for letting you down at the last minute"

She might be cross about you being "flaky" you just have to take that and before you message her accept the fact that this might break your friendship with her and be at peace with that outcome if it comes to pass. She has not lost much by you pulling at of a night out if you tell her at this stage and if she is not prepared to look past it then your friendship with her has run its course and you need to look for new friends who better fit you at your current stage of life.

millymog11 · 30/06/2023 11:18

And also - if you are going to pull out of something last minute, then the mitigating factor is that you do it earlier rather than later (i.e. now not when she is waiting in her car at the train station for you to arrive on the train)

Your first post says you have not seen her for a while and this goes in your favour, its not like we are talking a friend you see every single day.
Bite the bullet and text her now. Then get something nice for yourself to do for this evening planned asap so if she texts you trying to guilt trip you or make you change your mind you have reasons not to (just dont go back on yourself, the evening will be even worse if she is secretly angry with you for debating the arrangements - just say cannot do, sorry)

Ignore people on here trying to shame you for this. Just say no. and say it now.

Maddy70 · 30/06/2023 11:20

Pkhsvd · 30/06/2023 10:35

I’m really lost; the train station is 25 minutes from hers which she will take you to but she won’t drive 20 minutes to take you home?

Yes this. It simply doesn't add up. If she is kindly driving you to the station that's still aalmost an hour of her driving you. Why is her time less important than yours ?

KarmaStar · 30/06/2023 11:20

You've arranged no child care as your excuse not to go.
That's not very nice.
It's not like standing around in the middle of winter.
You're not going to go so tell her now so she can find someone else to go with her.

Peony654 · 30/06/2023 11:21

I'd be annoyed if I was your friend and you cancelled today. You should have discussed travel arrangements sooner. I don't think an hour and 2 trains is much for an evening out - even where I live in London it takes an hour to get somewhere!

Sissynova · 30/06/2023 11:23

pinkybluered · 30/06/2023 10:16

It's not just about that
It's possibly being hungover and having to get two trains home plus a 30 min wait
So it's 1 1/2 hours travelling time

What a drama queen. Why on earth would you pass out from a hangover because you have to get two 30 minute trains?
Just control your drinking.
This is such an over reaction. You’re a grown adult, she shouldn’t have to drive you every single time in order to see you.

123ZYX · 30/06/2023 11:24

Are you saying her 12 and 7 year olds will be left home alone with no supervision?

Sissynova · 30/06/2023 11:25

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 30/06/2023 11:10

I couldn’t be arsed with this faff, no. If I knew my mate would have that sort of journey to get to me I wouldn’t be asking them to do it.

You would never make plans with a friend who chose not to drive and therefore had to get 2 30 minute trains?
What an insular life.

Playingchesswithpigeons · 30/06/2023 11:27

I'm not sure why your friend would drive for longer taking you to the station, than picking you up, it doesn't make sense.

Is it 20 mins, 25 mins ish 28 mins ish? etc. Does she come to yours and your not ready? Are there other occasions you could remember if she seems fed up picking you up & taking you home. Do you think she might feel, she pays for more things when you're out etc. Could she feel this is a one side friendship and she does more for you, than you do her? Do you give her £10 each way, or £10 total, Her house - to yours and return back to her house, then again in the morning will cost more than £10. Is she struggling financially and feels you might be taking the mick with your £10 offering?

There clearly is a reason, she's knows you have to catch 2 trains and she knows you have a wait between trains.

You write you worry you might pass out with palpitations/anxiety with no sleep, catching the train, or you might feel ill! This does sound very dramatic. Anxious or not. Are you usually this dramatic? It's a night out with your friend and a one off sleeping on her sofa!

She might simply be a bit fed up, of her going out of her way, additional costs in doing so. It also means she's leaving her children for at least 40-50 mins to collect you, then leaving them to go out, then leaving them again in the morning for 40-50 mins and it's simply easier for her, on this occasion for you to catch the train.

Have you thought at all about any of that?

Original poster
pinkybluered · 30/06/2023 11:29

I have suggested lots of times to meet in the actual city so I can travel home the same day
She never wants too
2 hours might not seem a lot to some people but is to me
I think it's personally shitty that she wouldn't drop me home when I always pay her petrol
I won't sleep a wink because of anxiety and I know I will feel ill on the Sunday because of it.
If she was driving me home I would be okay as I would feel safe In her car
Not being alone in the train station where I might pass out etc

OP posts: