Not to want to go out now ....

[pinkybluered]

A few months ago my friend asked me if I wanted to go out to her local social club for a band(not really my thing but haven't seen her for a month )
She lives 20 mins drive from me but it's a hour and two trains otherwise.
I don't have a car at the minute
Previous I have gave her petrol money and she's taken my home.
She's text today saying she will meet me at train station.
Also she has her kids so I would be sleeping on sofa and she will drop me at train station next morning.
So I would be doing a 30 min train then a 20 min wait then another 30 min train.
Probably having no sleep either as I won't sleep well on sofa
Aibu not to go ?

It's a bit rubbish to cancel now as she won't have much time to find somebody else to go with

Ok so your anxiety is out of control on this one.

Hopefully she knows about it, so just be honest, as do it now.

I get you, OP. I have severe anxiety as well and there's no way I could cope with that journey, especially after a night of poor sleep, which makes me feel absolutely horrendous the next day. If she has other friends going, contact her now and bow out.

I'm worried about those kids left home alone though - I wouldn't have left mine for an evening out at 12, and definitely not with responsibility for a 7-year-old.

You sound pathetic and flakey.

Just don't go. If your anxiety is a huge part of who you are, surely this friend knows about it and will understand if it's too much for you to handle. If she's not a real friend, no loss to you if she takes offence. But I'm surprised, given that you do have an anxiety disorder, that you didn't check and double check the arrangements before you agreed to go. If you haven't been out of the house for a year, she might have forgotten what the usual arrangements used to be.

I wouldn’t go either tbh.

You expected her to drop you home and don't want to go now that you'll have to make some unexpected effort. Just own it and tell her. I bet you won't then have the issue again...

Just saw the update with anxiety disorder. Maybe you should have put that in the OP? Call her now so she can find someone else to come with her.

Is it just the journey home you have any issue with?

If so why not just ask if she can drop you home for petrol money.

I think YABU and dramatic but if she has other friends / family going then just explain to her why you aren’t coming and don’t go.

This makes absolutely no sense.

You are saying that your friend who has always dropped you home before now, wants to drive the same distance/amount of time in the opposite direction purely so you get the train home instead?

There is something you are missing. Perhaps your friend has other plans in the direction of the train station? Perhaps she doesn’t want to drive after a night out on the booze and is hoping you will make other arrangements? Perhaps she doesn’t want to cart her children on an hour long round trip to save you an hour?

Whichever way, it is not your friend’s responsibility to get you home.

If you don't want to go, don't go

@Seeleyboo this is exactly it !
It's so hard to explain and people look at you as if your stupid
It's stilly things like being in the living room and needing the toilet
In my head it was planned
Night out then back to her bedroom ,I could shut the door and then back In the car safely

OP doesn't need to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable. How do you know what OP wants.

I completely understand you. I am the same. People are saying go on a train or you're flaky for not being content with a sofa clearly don't understand. Only ever do what makes you comfortable and safe.

I'm puzzled. It's 20mins by car but hours by train. OK, but how is a taxi costing nearly 50 quid for a 20 minute journey? May have been mentioned before, but I confess not to have read the entire thread.

If your friend lives a 20 minute drive from her house to yours which will total 40 minutes why is she offering to drive in the opposite direction from her house to train station for 25 minutes, totalling 50 minutes?

I wouldn't do it. Sleeping on the sofa knowing the kids will probably get up early and wake me up, then spending 2 hours on trains getting home? No way.

I used to go to great lengths for night outs. Then one night I had agreed to do a 30 minute walk, 1 hour on a bus, and my friend had agreed to pick me up to get to her house in the middle of nowhere and then go out. On the day she said she wouldn't be picking me up, as she wanted to go to the gym and I'd have to get a taxi instead. So I said I wasn't going. If you're asking someone to travel to your location I think you should put yourself out a bit to help them.

I mean she had originally agreed to pick me up at the bus stop after the hour on the bus.

Of course no friend would except you to feel so uncomfortable.

I hope you are home and ok.

To me this sounds like a lovely friend trying to include you in a village family type event. Not a huge event you have cancelled and abandoned her last minute, and surely such a good friend is aware of your struggles. I really don't understand why anyone would be anything other than understanding with this.

If you have a severe anxiety disorder, which it sounds like you do, then surely you just can’t go. It’s not a case of reasonableness, it’s that your mental health is not in a place where you’d be able to manage the night out. I assume your friend is aware of your disorder?

Are you in treatment for it? It’s a shame it’s impeding your life to the extent that you can’t take public transport and it causes you to have catastrophic thoughts.

@Seeleyboo

im just going off what Op said about wanting to see her friend because she hasn’t seen her in a while. Op doesn’t sound like someone who wants to be cozy at home on her own every night.

Sort your own transport/ accommodation like amy other adult would

This sounds like a huge hassle, I would probably bail after too. I can’t see a problem her driving you home especially if you give her petrol money. I wouldn’t expect my friend to do all that travelling after being out knowing I could make it much easier. She’s being a bit selfish.

This whole thing sounds weird. You can't leave a 7 year old without an adult. Equally it's awful to pull out of an arrangement. 1 hr on a train is actually fun, get a coffee, read a book with no mithering, enjoy it.