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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get out of bed just to say bye.

700 replies

LadyDane · 30/06/2023 07:11

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

OP posts:
Generalisation · 01/07/2023 17:07

My kids are older now and 11 feels very little. I am probably a softie but the idea of an 11y old getting ready for school and leaving whilst the adult snoozes away, makes me a little sad. I know they would ‘survive’ but I would want to give them a quick hug and say goodbye.

When you have a 2 year old, 11 seems very old. I bet when your daughter is 11, she will still feel like your little girl and you will want to see her at breakfast before school.

However I do think your husband needs to take this role on and make it work. Making you do it is not on.

Freefall212 · 01/07/2023 17:12

yogasaurus · 01/07/2023 13:26

There’s a father leaving his child in bed without getting him up for school to tell him he’s validated and he matters.

Not sure about rabbits and magic carpets.

Show quote history

A good parent doesn't wake a child up early to then sit alone in a house for an hour or more. The child doesn't need to be up before dad leaves.

Just like OP doesn't wake her DD up before her early shifts to do the nursery run on those days. There is another adult home who can care for DD after Op goes to work so op just leaves for work and lets her DH do all the morning routine and nursery run. So on her late days when her DH needs to leave for work before son is up, she is now the adult home who could care for him.

Liz1tummypain · 01/07/2023 18:09

I think it would be kind for someone from the family to see him off to school. That;s my view. You only need to be up for 15 or 20 minutes and then back to sleep again.

Kittycat37uk · 01/07/2023 18:22

I used to work in a care home 12 hr night 4 nights on 3 nights off 8pm until 8am. I couldn't go straight to bed as I had children to get off to primary school and also 3 sc to make sure they got out of bed (because teenagers) to make sure they got to school on time it was hard but I did it because there was no one to do it for me as my partner as soon as I got in the door from my nightshift had to go out to his job. I then went to bed when I got home from the school run usually about 9.30am and slept till 2 30pm when I had to get up and get ready and pick kids up from primary school I then had to go home prepare and cook a meal for kids teas and sort out something for me to take to work that night before partner got in from work to take over childcare when I would then be back to work for 8pm till 8am the next morning. It was hard and I don't think I would have the energy to do it all again at the age I am now but to me that has been standard in family life, everyone pitches in and we all help each other as and when we can. I just think in relationships you get back what you put in and kids don't stay kids forever you won't get this time back again and you won't feel constantly run ragged or shattered forever.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 01/07/2023 18:43

I used to work until 2am and got up in the morning to walk my own kids to school/ make sure they had breakfast/ see them off - and then go back to bed if I needed more sleep. I wouldn’t get into a relationship with someone with a child, if I wasn’t prepared to do the same for their child(ren). It’s not the kids fault, and it sucks for them to have to get themselves off to school at that age, because the adults in their lives can’t be bothered to put them first. It’s not exactly a great role model for when he has children of his own.

HappyMe6 · 01/07/2023 18:45

I’d get up to say goodbye to him

doorstopper123 · 01/07/2023 18:48

Don't you get up to help with your younger child?

Pepsi2001 · 01/07/2023 19:18

Just get up, your being mean. He's just a child.

Monkin · 01/07/2023 19:20

I totally agree with this. IMO you shouldn’t treat stepchildren any differently from your own children. This little boy needs to feel valued, I’d say especially as he’s your stepson - & getting up (even if just to take an interest/check he’s eaten/give him a hug) doesn’t have to take long! You never know, he may even start bringing you a cup of tea in bed in a few years’ time, like my well-trained boy often does 😁

graysquirrel · 01/07/2023 19:25

In answer to this I recall a conversation with my DD (13) form tutor about mental health who noted he was sad that he was sometimes the first person the children had spoken to that day so saw his duty to check in how they were, had eaten etc.
I found it hard to believe a 12 yr old wouldn't have someone checking they were OK and sending them off for the day. So no, guessing from my reaction I couldn't do this.

Monkin · 01/07/2023 19:43

How is this misogynistic? Isn’t the father off taking the other child to nursery? It sounds as tho they’re sharing the parenting responsibilities fairly equally?

Catsmakemehappy · 01/07/2023 20:05

THIS

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 01/07/2023 20:18

LadyDane · 30/06/2023 07:11

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

@LadyDane I think there is more fiction, making it up as they go along, in some posters' responses to you than I have EVER seen in a mumsnet thread. I really do think there should be a basic reading and comprehension test before people can register to post on mn threads.

I have total sympathy and empathy with your situation.
To me it seems that your DH is being selfish and ridiculous re this with no understanding of the level of exhaustion that working that pattern of the shifts in the NHS causes. Enough sleep is a basic requirement in order to cope with everything coming your way on such a shift. Rarely adequate breaks, no decent food available 'after hours'.

This boy is 11, not 6!

Yourcatisnotsorry · 01/07/2023 20:24

Your DH can sod off but if it were me I’d ask the SS whether he’d like you to get up and make his breakfast/chat before school or if he’s fine to get his own. Some people (even kids) aren’t morning people and are perfectly happy not having to talk to anyone. I do think you should treat any kid that lives with you like you would your own though so if you think you would do it for your own child and SS wants you to I would do it.

There are some days I have a rough night (not drinking) and need to sleep a little later and my husband will take the kids to school without me seeing them. I need the sleep because I have a crazy intense job but it does make me sad not to see them in the morning.

WelshNerd · 01/07/2023 21:04

This reply has been deleted

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CherryLipgloss · 01/07/2023 21:11

Two thirds of the vote is in OP's favour.

Dressydress · 01/07/2023 21:19

Have you asked SS?

TrustyRusty68 · 01/07/2023 21:21

If I’m honest, I wouldn’t want my 11 year old getting up & taking himself off to school without seeing one of his parents / adults first. He absolutely could do this but I really believe that a positive start to the day creates a good atmosphere for the day ahead - therefore setting the tone of how the day will go. Could you get up with him for half an hour and go back to bed after he’s gone? I get that you’re tired & he’s not your son - but happy children work better at school & that means they’re happier at home :-)

trixie1970 · 01/07/2023 21:44

Bloody hell, I wouldn't want you as a step mum. 10.30/11pm is hardly 4 o'clock in the morning leaving you a couple of hours sleep!

I feel sorry for the boy. Put the boot on the other foot and think of how you'd feel if it was your own child and your husband was moaning about getting up to say goodbye and have a good day at school.

ButterCrackers · 01/07/2023 21:57

Can the dad start work later or if not possible could he drop his son at school early if there’s an early morning club. He needs to arrange how his son gets to school. You’ve been at work late and need to sleep for your own health.

Cucucucu · 01/07/2023 22:16

I agree with your husband

WelshNerd · 01/07/2023 22:18

Jesus Christ, who reported my post? I was being sarcastic!

Bignanny30 · 01/07/2023 22:18

I’m glad your not my step mum!

MidnightEagle · 01/07/2023 22:19

To be fair most adults probably go to sleep about midnight. I assume getting up to see your SS off would mean getting up about 8? So that would still be 8 hrs which seems adequate.

garfieldeatscake · 01/07/2023 22:22

A few years ago there was a very similar thread, but one huge difference the dh was the shift worker, and the dw was getting pissy that her dh wouldn't get up, the op got her arse handed on a plate, and was told she was being thoroughly unreasonable.
I guess what this shows is women simply can't win!