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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with "friend"?

170 replies

kayzisbroody · 23/02/2008 17:15

I recently went out with a couple of friends. 1 is one of my closest friends and the other is someone we both know from a mother and baby club.
We went a did a bit of shopping and then went for lunch. While we were having lunch the friend I'm closest too said that now she is on maternity leave she feels a bit lonely sometimes so I told her about MN. The other friend rolled her eyes but said nothing.

Then ds did a dirty nappy so I went to change him. When I got back the friend who isn't really a friend said "I don't see why you changed him, I only change dd in the morning and in the evening no matter how many poos she does." I smiled and said that I'd rather change a pooy nappy straight away and she said "Well you do work instead of stay at home and you talk to wierdos on the internet." I didn't say anything to that.

Surely when I change my ds's nappy has nothing to do with me not being a SAHM or talking on MN. Also I don't think we're wierdos.

OP posts:
DRAGON30 · 23/02/2008 23:12

Not another one! There was a woman like that at DD1's Mother & Baby group a couple of years ago. Her baby really stank, poor dab, and everyone noticed. She said she only changed him twice a day too, as she had so much washing to do! She took no notice of any 'polite' comments, so finally, I went to the HV and said something along these lines - " I'm really worried about x's baby, she's not changing his nappy, and frankly I think he's being neglected if he's left to sit in shit all day. If you can't do something about it, I will be taking it further". The HV got very agitated, and said she'd see the doctor about it. To cut a long story short, Ms NoChange arrived at the group a couple of weeks later, and told us all about how she'd been "interrogated" by two HV's and a doctor at her baby's immunisation appointment, how she was "threatened" etc. I don't know how true that was, all I noticed was that her baby did'nt smell any more, and she actually changed him while she was with us! I don't think I REALLY would have gone to SS, but making a 'veiled' threat to the HV certainly worked for that baby. You could try that if your friend continues to let her poor baby suffer.

dingdong05 · 23/02/2008 23:43

Well done dragon30!

schneebly I was about to post the same story. My son had just turned 1 at the time it was reported and I could not believe it. Maybe it was knowing about that poor baby who died that has made me think that I would just have to say something to her...

You'd probably be more constructive than me kayzis, because my initial reaction is to smear shit in her hair, lock her in a room and refuse to let her get cleaned up for 12 hours, see how she likes it!
Well, it's a bother to me to unlock the door, and, after a while, she'll get used to this routine........
The I'd punch her in the face.

viggoswife · 23/02/2008 23:56

I get very panicky if I cant change DD immediately that she does a smelly one, if we are out of something. I cant understand how someone could justify leaving their baby to sit in their own excrement all day. Point her to this thread. What a disgusting woman in that story. Your 'friend' is of the same mould really isnt she? I would probably say something to her to tell you the truth and not really care if she fell out with me.

NorthernLurker · 24/02/2008 00:26

This is terrible - the poor sad little baby. Tbh - I wouldn't bother speaking to this woman - she has apparently been told before - and anyway this is something so basic to your baby's care that her not doing it has to be of serious concern. Just phone Social Services and let them sort it out. That child is being negelected.

Sarahjct · 24/02/2008 00:29

schneebly

DD (6 weeks) is changed before every feed (which is about 10 times a day at the mo!) and if she smells stinky or her botty feels waterlogged. I really like doing it at the moment, it's quite a feelgood thing, knowing how nice and clean I'm making her feel.

How can anyone look at a child, especially their own, and not want to do everything they possibly can to make their little lives happy and comfortable? I just don't understand people sometimes.

nappyaddict · 24/02/2008 01:11

gosh i change ds as soon as i know he has poohed. if he hasn't poohed i know i don't change him as often as some people but still every 4 hours so usually when he wakes up, lunchtime, in the afternoon and bed time.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 24/02/2008 01:28

Maybe it was a cunning ploy to find out who you are on MN. Say something outrageous and wait for the thread to appear

At least I hope so. Otherwise I just dont want to think about it.

nappyaddict · 24/02/2008 01:28

minouminou - ds' poohs don't smell either. they do after they've been in there a while but so i have to keep checking cos i don't want to miss one. unfortunately it does mean sometimes he's left for half an hour if i'v left him playing and i'm doing something in another room. id never leave him all day though

if i can see him doing one i don't change him straight away cos he does his poohs in two parts aswell like mumofdj's ds but i change him as soon as i think he's finished.

i'll also admit sometimes i have forgotten to do a nappy change because we have been out shopping or i've put him down for a nap an hour before he was meant to be changed or he's slept longer than normal and before i've realised it he's had the same nappy on for 6 hours but i don't do this all the time.

oh and yesterday i realised he'd done a pooh just as we were getting back in the car. we were going to the supermarket straight after so rather than take him back in b&q where we'd come from i left him for the 5 minute journey to tesco.

Original poster
kayzisbroody · 24/02/2008 07:40

I think I'm going to print out that story and this thread and if she doesn't do anything about it then I'll give them to her to read.

OP posts:
swiftyknickers · 24/02/2008 07:52

she sounds like a dick, whyare you friends with her? poor child

Original poster
kayzisbroody · 24/02/2008 08:35

We aren't really that good friends with her. She heard us talking about going out for lunch and invited herself along.

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 24/02/2008 09:20

I didn't read the article as from your reactions it was obviously very sad.

If you have already said something to the mother I would go to the HV and the GP and say what is going on. Once they know, and if they choose to do nothing, they are complicent in allowing a child to be neglected. This has pissed me off so much.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING NOW. THIS IS A BABY FFS!

msappropriate · 24/02/2008 09:40

you say shes in bed when her husband gets back at 7pm? (or I suppose a bit later if hes finishes work then and has a commute. )She must be pretty depressed if she asleep so early and doens't have adult company in the eveing. Even when I had a baby awake all night I had to have some evenings not in bed otherwise I'd go mad.

Original poster
kayzisbroody · 24/02/2008 09:40

The HV knows as she made the appointment for the GP. I'm pretty sure that the Gp is going to say that regular nappy changes is going to cure the nappy rash. I'm just hoping she'll take it on board.

OP posts:
Original poster
kayzisbroody · 24/02/2008 09:41

Msappropiate, I meant their dd is in bed so as far as he knows she is changed.

OP posts:
msappropriate · 24/02/2008 09:42

aaah ok!

BabiesEverywhere · 24/02/2008 09:43

msappropriate, I agree. I posted further down. I think she is depressed, to have so little maternal concern for her child. Hopefully she will seek help/AD/Counselling from the doctor on Monday.

Original poster
kayzisbroody · 24/02/2008 09:47

I think she may be depressed, I know her mum thinks she has PND but she has said to us that it's stupid and she isn't depressed.
I know she had PND with her son who is now 3 and she blames that on not having him in a routine.

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 24/02/2008 09:48

FWIW I had PND after all my children but they were still all changed every 2 hours and extra if dirty/leaked.

beautifulgirls · 24/02/2008 09:56

No seriously this has to be a wind up??

BabiesEverywhere · 24/02/2008 10:01

I am not saying depressed mother equals maternal neglect, I am wondering if this extreme maternal neglect might be linked to depression.

I have a very good friend who is a wonderful very attentive mother and suffers from depression.

Original poster
kayzisbroody · 24/02/2008 10:02

I wish it was. I really do.

OP posts:
TidyTink · 24/02/2008 10:33

OMG this really is awfull, my DD only wears nappys at night (shes potty trained) and yet she still has a touch of nappy rash which gets v itchy, im constantly using creams on her and if she wakes up in the night i change her.

Id hate to think how bad the nappy rash would be if shes left in her own mess all day, how sad

I would definately tell someone (HV/SS) if she doesnt change her ways!!!

currantbunmum · 24/02/2008 11:41

You really do have to speak to your HV about this woman, it is so cruel what she is doing to her DD. Her poor little bottom is constantly being burned by uric acid, how can this be anything but serious neglect?

Could anyone at the M&T group offer to change her DD when they are changing their own, she may slowly get the hint. But as she seems to brag about her behaviour rather than keep it to herself, she probably wouldn't.

Just feel so sad for the baby, and so angry at the mother

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 24/02/2008 12:29

Maybe demand to change the baby or you will be making a phone call?!?!