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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD crying because she's never picked at school

121 replies

GoblinAeroplane · 29/06/2023 14:28

Looking for advice on how to approach this.

My DD is 6 years old. She is happy at school, regularly has playdates, is very active and social etc. However she has, not for the first time, come home really upset that she has not been chosen as a birthday helper for her classmates. Each child on their birthday chooses 2 helpers for the day who get to hand out party food, help make them a birthday crown, and a bunch of other stuff. My DD has never been chosen for this role by anyone this year.

As we're coming to the end of the year, she's realised her chance is up, and she's been crying and asking me 'what am I doing wrong'? I don't know how to answer. I'm trying to be reassuring but it's tough.

This is done throughout the school, not just this one class, and I'm annoyed that instead of building her confidence, the school are tearing it down. She says every birthday she closes her eyes really tight and wishes to be picked, but it never happens. She never says anything or makes a fuss as she doesn't want to ruin anyone's day, but she's gutted.

AIBU to talk to the school about this? Should I raise it with the teacher, or not get involved?

Any tips for how to talk about this with DD would also be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 29/06/2023 14:30

I wish they wouldn't do these popularity contest things. Teacher choosing people to be helpers for stuff sure, because then they can make sure that every kid gets an equal opportunity. But things where the same kids inevitably get left out every time are just unfair, particularly at that age.

Original poster
GoblinAeroplane · 29/06/2023 14:51

That's exactly what it is, a popularity contest. She likes doing crafts so throughout the year she's even been practicing how to make crowns at home so when she's picked she can make an amazing one 😔

I just don't think it's acceptable for the school to do things that make 6 year olds cry. Her teacher is quite 'head-in-the-clouds' so I doubt she's noticed. Not sure what I should expect if I speak to the school about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoblinAeroplane · 29/06/2023 14:52

Although the voting is 50/50 so clearly enough people think it's okay

OP posts:
00100001 · 29/06/2023 14:53

What a weird system....

00100001 · 29/06/2023 14:53

What do they do for kids who have birthdays during school holidays?

00100001 · 29/06/2023 14:54

I'd raise the issue if your child being left out and crying, rather than the frankly bizarre birthday thing they have going on.

JulieHoney · 29/06/2023 14:55

It’s a shit system; the popular children will be picked again and again while others will never be chosen.

The teacher should know better.

wavingtreetops · 29/06/2023 14:56

I’m with you OP. I don’t understand how professionals working with children can think this is ok. It’s like they don’t understand children at all.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 29/06/2023 14:57

Your poor DD - that's a horrendous system. I would speak to the school and see if they realise how upsetting it is for those who don't get picked?

BunsenBurnerBaby · 29/06/2023 14:59

My DDs are 13yo and there are still occasions where this happens: put yourselves in groups. Dear God. The teachers should know better and I speak as an ex teacher who never did this. As an adult learner it’s still v awkward, too.

Clymene · 29/06/2023 15:01

That is a really shit system. I would have a word with the school. It sounds massively over the top and a bit crap for the kids whose birthdays are always in the holidays too.

Avondale89 · 29/06/2023 15:06

They should rotate this around the class. I don’t see why at this age all of the kids shouldn’t have a chance to be a helper, especially if they have birthdays that fall outside of term time.

ScentlessAprentice · 29/06/2023 15:07

She says every birthday she closes her eyes really tight and wishes to be picked, but it never happens. Oh this has made my heart ache for your daughter.

The school need to rethink this hideous popularity contest birthday nonsense. As @JulieHoney said, there will be children who are chosen over and over, and children who are never chosen. And yes that's life, not everyone gets picked for everything and some of us don't get picked for anything. But six is pretty young to be learning such a lesson.

Dacadactyl · 29/06/2023 15:10

You just have to tell DD, well don't worry you've not been picked this year, you have lots of years left at school to be picked.

Don't make it a big thing for her. Just tell her she can't always be picked. She will become more resilient as a result.

I wouldn't mention it to the teacher personally.

givemushypeasachance · 29/06/2023 15:11

My birthday was always in the holidays, I'd have been annoyed about that! What party food are they handing out in class as well? If they're going to do that sort of activity, with that age group, it should be done fairly.

Toddlerteaplease · 29/06/2023 15:13

That's a very strange thing to do in school. What happened to just handing out sweets at the end of the day. I never got too, as my birthday usually fell in half term.

Original poster
GoblinAeroplane · 29/06/2023 15:20

For those asking, DD has a vacation birthday - they're given a school-birthday; the teacher assigns them a three-time date to be their birthday.

And the food is fruit cups. So the girl who always picked as helper for example, her mum brought in plastic champagne flutes filled with fruit and little umbrellas (of course she did 🙄).

But the voting shows more than 50% think IABU, which is what makes me think I shouldn't raise it with the teacher/school.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoblinAeroplane · 29/06/2023 15:24

Dacadactyl · 29/06/2023 15:10

You just have to tell DD, well don't worry you've not been picked this year, you have lots of years left at school to be picked.

Don't make it a big thing for her. Just tell her she can't always be picked. She will become more resilient as a result.

I wouldn't mention it to the teacher personally.

I don't expect DD to be picked for everything, I'm sure there's a valuable life lesson for her in here somewhere. But she's only 6 years old, and as her mum, I can talk to her about why she wasn't picked for the football team - she's bad at football! But what am I supposed to say about this? 'You weren't picked because... you're a bad person? Your personality is not good enough'. This is just straight up popularity, nothing else.

And I've been telling her all year 'oh there's plenty of time to be picked', and now we're here at the end of the year and it's not happened.

As we're approaching the summer vacation, lots of kids have their assigned school-birthday just now, so it's really hitting home for her.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 29/06/2023 15:27

It’s a shit system; the popular children will be picked again and again while others will never be chosen.

I agree. Popularity contests like this shouldn't be allowed.

When DD was at secondary school they used to have to do a big science project every summer. The teachers would mark them and nominate a handful in each year and get the pupils to vote. DD got nominated a couple of times and because she wasn't popular she never got a look in. One of her friends made the best project and got no votes at all because she wasn't popular.

Sugargliderwombat · 29/06/2023 15:32

I think gently ask the teacher whether there is a way to check everyone gets a turn as it's nearly the end of the year now. It's a stupid idea and system anyway, probably designed to be a treat but backfiring without them realising. They probably assume the treat is to choose the helper without realising how hurtful it is if you want to be the helper.

Could your daughter ask the teacher whether everyone gets a turn?

00100001 · 29/06/2023 15:36

A school assigned birthday?? Fucking hell....

Drummend01 · 29/06/2023 15:36

This is a silly thing that school do and it’s horrible to see your child upset about things like this.

You said the whole school do it so it’s probably something the teacher doesn’t even want to do and she can’t tell a child to pick certain birthday helpers. But maybe mention to the teacher DD is feeling a bit left out and wants to be helpful so is there something else she could help with. Like handing out books, pens etc to give her a confidence boost.

You mentioned she was practicing making the crowns, she could give the crown to the birthday person as a little gift couldn’t she, even if she’s not birthday helper? I’m sure that would also help her feel good

GrumpyPanda · 29/06/2023 15:42

GoblinAeroplane · 29/06/2023 15:20

For those asking, DD has a vacation birthday - they're given a school-birthday; the teacher assigns them a three-time date to be their birthday.

And the food is fruit cups. So the girl who always picked as helper for example, her mum brought in plastic champagne flutes filled with fruit and little umbrellas (of course she did 🙄).

But the voting shows more than 50% think IABU, which is what makes me think I shouldn't raise it with the teacher/school.

So it's not even a popularity contest but whose parents make the most effort bribing the birthday child?

johnd2 · 29/06/2023 15:52

I think I would talk to her about her feelings and try to understand them and help her to understand how it feels and give them words. I've no idea why you think the option involves suggesting she is a bad person or has some personality issue. In reality it's something inside the pickers head that probably has absolutely nothing to do with your child.

People spend so long trying to prevent children having difficult feelings but surely that's just going to teach them it's unacceptable for those feelings to happen.
So actually you are the one inadvertently suggesting the feelings are bad and should be avoided, while blaming things that are pretty much out of her control.
Rejection is part of life, teach them it's ok to be rejected, and it's ok to feel rejected, and it's ok to cry as much as you need to, just as much as it's ok too laugh.
And say if she needs to talk you'll be there to listen (and not fix, unless she needs help)
Good luck!

Topseyt123 · 29/06/2023 15:55

I can't for the life of me understand why any schools go in for this sort of bollocks. It just makes for bad feeling and competition amongst the children.

A school assigned birthday is just another level of twattery. Totally unnecessary, all of it.