DD crying because she's never picked at school

[GoblinAeroplane]

Looking for advice on how to approach this.

My DD is 6 years old. She is happy at school, regularly has playdates, is very active and social etc. However she has, not for the first time, come home really upset that she has not been chosen as a birthday helper for her classmates. Each child on their birthday chooses 2 helpers for the day who get to hand out party food, help make them a birthday crown, and a bunch of other stuff. My DD has never been chosen for this role by anyone this year.

As we're coming to the end of the year, she's realised her chance is up, and she's been crying and asking me 'what am I doing wrong'? I don't know how to answer. I'm trying to be reassuring but it's tough.

This is done throughout the school, not just this one class, and I'm annoyed that instead of building her confidence, the school are tearing it down. She says every birthday she closes her eyes really tight and wishes to be picked, but it never happens. She never says anything or makes a fuss as she doesn't want to ruin anyone's day, but she's gutted.

AIBU to talk to the school about this? Should I raise it with the teacher, or not get involved?

Any tips for how to talk about this with DD would also be greatly appreciated.

I'd suggest they have a rota rather than allowing the children to pick.

I would tell the teacher. I bet other parents have already requested their child gets a turn. The champagne flute parent was probably trying to ensure her child wasn’t left out. So then it becomes competitive parenting.

So, when it was your child’s birthday, who did she pick? Did she pick the popular girl or someone else?

I don't know about popularity contests but I was voted for as class rep on the school council every year at secondary school. I'm pretty sure that it was because I wanted to do it and no-one else did. 😅

Though there was one year where one girl who I thought was really popular and confident bound to win put herself forward and I still won. I don't know why I'm mentioning this, I have just remembered it now about 35 years- perhaps just to say we often lack self-confidence for no good reason as kids and teenagers.

I’d hate this too OP. I would speak to the teacher. I understand why your DD is upset but I also don’t think it’s necessarily a genuine measure of popularity as some children may have one best friend but not be liked by some people, whilst others are evenly popular with everyone but have no specific best friends. The latter group are less likely to be picked as one of the ‘two helpers’ but may receive a lot more party invites. Could you try to focus your DD on the fact that she goes to lots of parties so everyone must want her as their friend and it’s more important to have lots of friends than be someone’s best friend.

This reminds me of PE teachers asking 2 girls to 'pick sides'. Awful practise that I presume doesn't happen anymore. This teacher should have a bit of sense and at least steer the girls into choosing someone who hasn't already been chosen.

This is the most absurd thing I've ever heard. I've literally never heard of a school doing this and I know a lot of teachers!

Have I been living in a bubble or is this a common thing?

This happened when I was at school!
I had health issues, so was always last to be picked and the person who "had" to pick me would groan and roll their eyes. Way to completely demotivate someone from sports or what.

These sorts of practices need to be stopped!

I have a 6yo DD too and this has made me so angry on your behalf! I would definitely bring this up with the school in writing. It's a totally unnecessary policy that is clearly detrimental to some children and effectively punishing them even though they've done nothing wrong.

Well, I can tell you a personal experience that may help.

I joined my primary mid year aged 5. Every child on their birthday would come out to the front of assembly and have “the birthday song” sung to them. Then they got a chocolate from the box.

My birthday was at the end of August. They called up all the kids with summer birthdays before we broke up. I was missed.

So almost six year old me was gutted.

Forty something year old me remembers it but has not let it define my life.

So yes, she will be sad for a little while. But please remember this won’t define her. She might remember but it will be “one of those things”. I think we forget that kids do get over this sort of thing eventually.

It’s a crap system but please try not to make it a massive thing - for her sake.

I would have a quiet word with the teacher about this - see if she can steer the next birthday child (if there is one) to pick people who haven't had their turn yet. It's a very unfair system. I still remember the sting of this sort of thing :(

I clicked YABU, but I think I ought to elaborate.

It's a totally unnecessary school enforced popularity contest. It doesn't even have the merits of get-yourselves-into-groups, which does at least teach them about using initiative to work with each other. It's cruel and she definitely won't be the only child secretly upset by it. And there would be so many other ways to make the birthday child's day special.

However, I think YABU to raise it - beyond mentioning it casually - because you don't want to make it a big thing, only to make your DD the child that got the birthday treat cancelled. What's more, it is teaching her a valuable (though sad) lesson that popularity contests are cruel, and a terrible determiner of who is and isn't nice. Sometimes other people are stupid and unkind for no reason. You can't control that.

This is the thing, we live in a village and most people who live here were born and raised here. DH doesn't want to be the outsiders who end the 237 year tradition of birthday helpers 😂

I really appreciate all the feedback. I think I'll try to brush it off as insignificant if my daughter brings it up again (while inwardly seething with devastation at my 6 year old having hurt feelings!) I just wish she didn't have to learn so early on that life, the world and the people in it can be a bit shit sometimes.

Is this the only thing she's being left out for?

Stupid system! Is it school wide or just this teacher?! I'm a primary teacher and I would know this would cause upset!

Oh bless her. I don't have any wise words on how you help her, but I am very angry with the school for playing into this favouritism shit.

Nah this is really shitty. I'm confused by the % of voting here! Surely it would be better to pull names out of a hat and make sure everyone had a turn at being the birthday helper. Your poor DD

I can't seem to vote, but you YANBU. This is just a shitty system. Your poor daughter. I've got really bad PMT today and this has really got me going!! I've been in similar situations with my DD and thankfully she's older now but heartbreaking is about the only word to describe it. X

I work in a school. I've worked in a few different ones and there is always something like this for children's birthdays. If you've never come across it then that's pretty miserable

What a strange thing for her school to do. I would designate her chief crown-maker for all your family birthdays so that her skills don't go to waste. (Once you've worn one of her fantastic creations on your birthday at pick-up time, she'll be in demand!)

This is a bit mental - what school has time for this faff for every birthday?

You may as well raise it.

If DD is failing in life’s popularity contest, then either she learns to fix it or she accepts it gradually over time.

Yoi are right to be upset. You love DD.

You can’t influence the behaviour of other but she can change hers. How do people interact normally? Can she select a child to be a friend and ask that person in advance to choose her?

Get a NT friend to give you some tips on how your DD can make it happen for herself. Or if not then to have realistic expectations so she k owe who is likely to pick her and who isn’t.

How many children in the class? That's really strange and quite honestly as a teacher I'm not sure how they are finding the time to do this every time a child has a birthday. If they are going to do it they should be ensuring all the children have an opportunity to take part. Do the rest of the school do this or just this one teacher?